My child's presence annoys me so much I am starting to resent him - I'm scared!

[oldrosie]

I am really struggling with feelings against my adopted son. He irritates me so much that when he is around me my heart races and I want to scream. I don't scream btw. I just have these really hateful feelings towards him he annoys me so much and it scares me.

Every tiny little things he does annoys me. They way he talks, the way he acts, the way he plays dumb, they way he makes annoying noises, the way he hits the annoys the other kids behind my back slyly. I can't help but just not like him - even my mum says the same thing when she stays with us. I've tried different tactics like shower him with praise to give him confidence and the opposite to be harder on him and nothing works.

He is not particularly naughty just needy and attention seeking and I want to give him more attention but he just wants more and more of everyone and everything.

He has no interests he just walks round complaining about being bored and not knowing what to do. We suggest things and he just says NO. NO is his favourite word.

He is also very clingy and is always trying to hug and kiss me and that annoys me too because a second before he's just been annoying.

My other children act up but can reason with them and are charismatic and I love being round them.

I've tried to talk to my husband about this and he just adds to the problem by laughing at his silly behaviour and putting him on a pedestal.

Please say help I feel so stressed by this and it's been months now and it not got any easier.

Hi @Italiangreyhound

Thank you so so much

This is brilliant

I definitely need some outside help! This is why I posted here I feel completely at a loss.

My daughter is 5 and I adopted the boys recently though I've been there 'mum' for 18 months.

I do think I'm suffering with some sort of post adoption depression for sure. It's been intense periods of love and commitment and discipline and helping them realise their interests and potential and encouraging them to pursue stuff - the list is endless.

Im going to seek some therapy for sure. I dot. Have anyone to talk to. My mum does like him she also just finds him difficult to communicate with too. It's been good to be able to be honest with mum and for her to understand to be honest.

So you have adopted them but their birth dad is your partner? That's pretty different from adopting children as a couple.

Definitely get professional help. The way you’ve described, your feelings, they need airing to SS and your adopting people - the ones you can contact - and ask for their help.

You’ve come on here however if you just leave this, and think it will go away, well it won’t and your adopted child will be affected - but you have named it and raised it - good - but please no one here on Mumsnet can solve it by just saying it’s fine just keep on.

What you’ve described is serious enough to get some professional help so please please get this and be as honest as you are now.

Ultimately, if these feelings don’t get worked on and resolved. If you still feel the same. Then it is better your adopted son goes to another family surely OP?

Then it is better your adopted son goes to another family surely OP?

He is with his brother and father! OP has apparently adopted her stepsons who she had known for 18 months in April and she was really struggling with then ....

OP " It's been intense periods of love and commitment and discipline and helping them realise their interests and potential and encouraging them to pursue stuff - the list is endless." If I can be honest you are taking on too many things and so are they. An 8 year old does not need a lot of outside interests, IMHO. My son does no outside clubs at the moment. Over the last 5 years he has done swimming most years for about two terms outside school (and a tiny bit in school) and he attended one outside club and some adoption related theraplay.

I've tried to get him to join scouts or something but he is not interested. And I feel school and home life is enough for now.

If your 8 year old really wants to go to outside clubs I'd try and limit it to not too many. IMHO it is a lot of pressure for them.

This isn’t making much sense, but I agree that this little boy deserves better.

One outside club for one term, I mean.

Well the drip feed was quite late!

I think there may be a lot more issues then for the OP in that case. I do very much worry that this step child is being foisted in step mum who resents this and the Dad is not the one doing the bulk in the parenting. The boy is vulnerable here. And he might be a reminder of OPs partners ex etc. a lot of stuff. I’d go to proper counseling OP maybe with your partner too. The child could get really scapegoated and dynamics skewed and Hines,th it shouldn’t really be all on you. Maybe your DP should pay for some childcare. This child needs a lot and it might be best it doesn’t all come from you but a neutral third person.

"My mum does like him she also just finds him difficult to communicate with too. It's been good to be able to be honest with mum and for her to understand to be honest."

I'm not really criticizing you for talking to your mum about your son but I think the danger is that if she also finds him annoying, it could be an echo chamber for you.

You said "Every tiny little things he does annoys me. They way he talks, the way he acts, the way he plays dumb, they way he makes annoying noises, the way he hits the annoys the other kids behind my back slyly. I can't help but just not like him - even my mum says the same thing when she stays with us." Which suggested to me that everything he does annoys your mum too.

If that is the case then talking about your shared feelings towards him may be reinforcing, if that makes sense.

One of the things that helps me is that when I am loosing my cool with ds or dd my husband can step in (if it is outside work hours) and he can take over. So I am not forced to deal with every issue.

I have a fair bit of experience with adoption and I would absolutely get some help/support. Are you in the UK? If so then your first port of call should be your LA post-adoption team to see what they offer. I would also suggest joining a therapeutic parenting group, there is a national network with local hubs, search it on FB, there are closed groups I believe.

In terms of your son he is absolutely attention seeking as a survival strategy. It doesn’t matter whether the attention is positive or negative just that it’s there. As a strategy it’s very successful - you say yourself that you give him more attention than the others so he’s doing a good job. Think of it that the behaviour is not the problem, it is the solution. He has found a way to get his needs met and, right now, his need is for you to have eyes and ears on him as much as possible even if that means he’s irritating you.

My final point would be to say that he absolutely, 100% knows how you feel about him. Kids with any kind of trauma can read the adults around them like a book and I would be shocked if he didn’t also know how your mum felt about him. I know that might be hard to hear but in my experience it’s always the case. You need to find what you do love and admire about him and focus on that as much as you can. Is he funny? Inquisitive? Smart? Good at anything? Stop thinking about him as a problem kid and start thinking about him as a kid who has problems.

The fact that you’re here and asking for help is a great first step, don’t stop until things start to change. Good luck

This is probably a lame comment but you say he makes noises- could he have autism or something? That could explain why he just replies with 'no' in circumstances where other children might realise it's not the best answer.

Have you adopted your step children?

This is a huge difference from you and your husband adopting an unrelated child and would change the type of help you need .

I'm an adoptee and people are much more aware of the trauma that comes with being relinquished now than they were 50 years ago , hopefully you've done some research into this . The Primal Wound is a starting point.

your first port of call should be your LA post-adoption team - when a partner of a birth parent adopts their partner's children surely that is more of a legal thing and not the same at all as adopting a child through the LA/agency etc? Would the partner of the birth parent then have the same or even similar issues as a new adopter? And would they be entitled to any of the support described? If so, then surely just get this thread moved to the adoption boards?

Why did you go through the legal process OP? Is their mum still alive/still around? Was there a legal or financial issue that you formally adopting them could resolve?

If you adopted your step kids. OP I would investigate what support you are entitled to. There may be similar issues to adopted children generally, not fully but certainly in part. Especially if the bierg mum is no longer alive or no longer has contact. All guess work here OP as I don't know your circumstances but if you gave legally adopted these boys then you should be entitled to help.

Sorry ...birth mum is no longer alive or no longer has contact. All guess work here OP as I don't know your circumstances but if you have legally...

I am suggesting that part of this is you projecting your anger onto this child that is arising from your reactions to someone else other than him. Could be someone in the present or your past.
This usually is the case if the reaction is out of proportion to the events trigger it.
Had you brothers yourself as a child? Sometimes when we have kids our unconscious is reminded of when we were children.
Sometimes our Anger for someone else is directed onto someone else. If you are really angry with your husband, your unconscious won't let you be angry with him in case he leaves you. Then you will process this as feeling anger because someone is 'making you angry'.
I would suggest some counselling for yourself. You feelings could be do with the adoption, or it could be other things getting to you as well. Just a suggestion based on speculation with the information you gave. So could be wrong.

OP you really need to be clear here to get the correct advice. It makes a huge difference if you are a step parent who has now adopted. Is their mother dead, or unable to care for them in some other way?

If they are your stepchildren, your DH should be taking the lead in this. Why isn’t he?

I know this is old, but if you happen to see this, please seek out an FASD diagnosis for your son. He sounds exactly like my AS. And FASD is extremely common and extremely underdiagnosed among adopted children. Don't feel guilty about not wanting to be around him. It's your nervous system protecting you from what you sense as threatening behavior (threatening to your peace and sanity). It's a struggle. I feel like I spent my whole life avoiding people like my son and then ended up having to live with one. There are supports and resources to be found though, both regarding FASD and your own attachment struggles.

I would understand but this doesn't sound like minor irritations that you can get over. You said things like " Every tiny little things he does annoys me. They way he talks, the way he acts, the way he plays dumb, they way he makes annoying noises, the way he hits the annoys the other kids behind my back slyly.
This just sound nasty, childish and damn right spiteful. Kids can be irritating sure, but not to the point where your child's voice and noises he makes irritates you. This is him and that's going to be there for the long term until he grows up. They don't sound like minor things to me. I had a bf like that once. Even him breathing irritated me. This is normal talk towards a bf, not towards your own child.
The fact that he's adopted makes this even worse. He's already come from an unstable background. One where he hasn't known love from his biological parents and most probably already felt unwanted. I hope to god he never picks up on your true feelings. So cruel that he loves you so much and you feel this way towards him. I can't be nice about this sorry. You and your mum sound like a pair of witches.
He deserves a home where he is loved!!!!!

You are a horrible parent and you need psychological help. You need to see a therapist. It's not the child, it you.

This thread is 5 years old now. Why resurrect it just to say something horrible?

Hi OP, I'm just here to say you are doing a wonderful job. The fact you are on here trying to get help and answers for your child shows you really care. I, too, came here because of the same problem. My daughter acts like this as well! She is my bio child, not adopted, and she drives me absolutely crazy. Everything you've described is my daughter to a T. Also for her this is not a phase, she has been acting this way since the minute she was born. She's extremely demanding, needy, extroverted and talks all day. She acts like she can never do anything on her own, ever. Here lately she cant even go pee on her own (she's 5). It's exasperating. She is absolutely bored with everything. We buy her toys, shes sick of them by the next day and never plays with them again. She wants all of the attention from everyone all of the time. I take her so many places and do a ton of activities with her. Nothing sticks. I give her so much praise and attention that it has now mentally and spiritually exhausted me. I know this is not typical/normal because she has an older brother and he never behaved this way. Also I was a daycare teacher and have worked with thousands of children. Never dealt with these issues. I'm starting to wonder if she has a genetic predisposition to anxiety or maybe adhd or autism. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I'm at my wits end.

This is such an old thread and (hopefully) the op is doing well now and got past her issues.

It sounds like you are struggling and need some support, I suggest you start your own thread so people can give you some valuable wisdom.

All I can offer is that kids are annoying at times, they are full on and needy but have no idea how mad they can drive you and it’s not intentional so you can’t make them aware of it like you would with an adult peer.

You are probably trapped in a cycle where your daughter annoys you then picks up on those feelings and feels insecure and does more to gain attention.

Try rewarding the good and ignoring the bad but concentrate on making her feel safe and loved. Don’t burn yourself out by giving constant attention, if shes bored give her age related jobs she can do like picking up toys, dusting, making her bed or just anything to make her feel she’s helping and useful.

I am probably the wrong person to give advice as I don’t have kids. I’ve read lots of similar mumsnet posts as I helped raise my niece and nephew but felt similar.

I know it’s not the same but I really struggled with my whinging whining nephew who was always “bored”. I realised he got next to no attention at home and tried love bombing him, giving him jobs and responsibilities and sending him outside when he was annoying me. He got a lot of praise and felt proud that feeding my cat was “his job”.

Would you consider a small pet? Something for your daughter to get unconditional love from and feel like she’s needed?

Again I don’t have kids so my advice isn’t probably worth much. I do understand your feelings of guilt and frustration though and hope you can build a healthier relationship. I’d suggest getting outside support as well in case you do get burned out hiding your feelings.

Hopefully people who experienced similar will come along and can give you proper advice and support.

I too hope that the OP’s and her DS’ loves have improved over the last few years and they’re both in a much better place now.

I also agree that you’d be better starting your own thread @Mrc2f.

If your DD is becoming bored easily I would have a serious cull of her toys.

Get rid of anything that she’s grown out of or hadn’t played with in a while. Have a look at what’s left and pack most of it away if you have room. Try to leave around 3 toys out. DC concentrate much better on a tou if there isn’t a lot of choice. You can swap the tots after a day or two for ones you've kept but not put out.

Also, it’s fine for a child to be bored and it’s not something you can necessarily ease with possessions. It’s also not advisable to get her a new toy everytine she’s bored as she’ll soon link those feelings with shopping and reward rather than looking for something constructive to do.

What does a typical day look like when she’s at home? Does she do things around the home even if it’s things like helping with making lunch or baking?

Does she have any responsibilities say changing a pet’s water and does she have time outside each day and plenry of exercise?