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Original poster

Am I lazy ??

109 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 22:47

So basically DH has told me tonight I'm lazy and that I take him for granted he says he loves me but wants to change a few things in the relationship , its come as a bit of a shock to be honest but these are basically his issues

  • I am at home on maternity leave with 7 month old , I dont really make his tea for when he finishes mainly because I find it difficult with the little one , he thinks meals should be ready for his return , he has asked that I start to do this
  • night feeds- these are rarely now needed as little one is a good sleeper like her mum. Problem is I genuinely cant wake up in the night as I'm so tired so husband feeds little one despite being up for work at 6:30am. he has advised that he feels this is unfair. To be honest I never really give it much thought

Says I never make him a brew , also I wont change the bed and get him to do it as it hurts my arms changing the duvet

I do all the shopping, feed and look after baby in the day , put clothes in washing machine and also buy all the birthday cards we need for the year ,I sometimes go off to bed for an hour at night ( can often turn into 3 hours ) as I feel tired all the time * was bad anemic after the pregnancy)
Iv been crying all night about this and hubby now feels bad he says
Who is right ? Should I do more ??
I entertain our child all day and buy all her clothes , take her baby groups act

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 26/10/2019 22:50

Your husband seems to think your maternity leave means you now qualify as his servant. Bring him cups of tea??? Are his legs broke? Why on earth can’t he make his own tea? Why can’t he change the bed? Why can’t he cook dinner? Does he really never expect to look after himself and his home anymore now that you’ve had a child? Confused

CherryPavlova · 26/10/2019 22:50

Are you being serious?

Queenoftheashes · 26/10/2019 22:53

Oh just drown him

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Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 22:55

Queen of the ashes Smile

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 26/10/2019 22:58

He is being a twat.

How often are the night feeds? Once a night or once a month?

Celebelly · 26/10/2019 23:00

If your baby isn't waking in the night that often, what's making you too tired to wake up? Might be worth seeing a GP, particularly if you are having to nap for three hours on top of sleeping all night.

Does he ever make you cups of tea? Does he pull his weight with chores? Are you happy with his contribution to your family life?

Tbh the night feed is the one thing where I think there is a chance he isn't BU. Not that dads shouldn't do them ever, of course they should, but if she's otherwise a good sleeper and you're getting mostly unbroken nights, then I would probably do the occasional night feed if he was up for work, assuming he pulled his weight in other ways. Or at least split them rather than say I just won't do them. But that's from a perspective of someone with a DP who does pull their weight so I'm inclined to want to make life better for him too!

AllTheFours44 · 26/10/2019 23:01

You put the clothes in the machine. Who takes them out to dry, iron/fold and put away?

And buying birthday cards is the most random contribution to family life I’ve heard in a while!

Honestly, from the little you’ve told us, the 1 to 3 hour naps and inability to get up for any night wakings make you sound either unwell or lazy.

spice3 · 26/10/2019 23:02

I'm a bit undecided on this one.

I'm home on maternity leave and my DP goes to work. I often worry that I take him for granted because I don't do enough, so I make an effort to cook dinners, make cups of tea etc (I also don't put the duvet cover on).

I don't think what he's asking is bad dependent on other circumstances.

Is he doing a lot outside of that? Or is he just expecting to sit on his ass and do nothing once he's finished working?

I feel guilt and like I take my DP for granted because he does do so much and look after us including washing, dishes, cooking meals, DIY chores at weekends, going shopping if there's a few bits I need etc.

Does your DP do all this stuff as well? Or is he really looking for you to do everything at home?

Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 23:02

He works full time in the day and does loads for me and DD , he is a lovely man in all respects very respectful and kind and laid back
I think I prob need to do a bit more to be honest

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/10/2019 23:03

Maybe need to serve gp about tiredness. Was your anaemia treated?

Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 23:03

Tonight he did the washing , played with DD ran me a bath and made our tea

OP posts:
Beacauseisaidso · 26/10/2019 23:04

You are not lazy OP, sounds like DH hasn't adapted Ty o being a parent, is this your first baby?
Also I presume you will be going back to work at some point so the current arrangents are temporary a anyway??

popcorndiva · 26/10/2019 23:05

To be fair i think you should do the night feeds as he has to be up early. When on maternity I did do 90% of the housework, fitted it around naps, when DS was playing with toys etc. Maybe go and see your GP if you are very tired and check bloods.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 26/10/2019 23:05

Btw OP if he is asking for things to change don’t forget that works both ways. Have a think about what aspects of his behaviour he could do some work on.

Mayborn · 26/10/2019 23:06

Everyone is different and it’s hard to say without knowing a bit more. What time does he get home, what time does baby go to bed? Does baby nap in the day?

Can’t really judge the rest of it but in my case DH has long and stressful job and gets up early (earlier than yours). I would never have asked him to do a night feed, I could catch up on sleep in day... he couldn’t fall asleep at desk. I did have dinner done most nights but that’s because I tried to be efficient and he isn’t home until 7.30. By then I’m starving and don’t want to wait so was easier to Make dinner when I had time in the day and reheat later, put something in slow cooker, or else mostly make / eat what kids eat (bolognese, chicken stew, pasta, soup etc. Batch cooking helps, then there’s also Cook / ready meals / pizza etc for when you’re really tired. The hardest bit tbh was planning ahead which if you do, makes life much easier for everyone, esp when combined with online shop.

I did not do this without morning, but I did do it and didn’t think it was unfair. DH is also a great dad and works hard in other ways.

Duvet thing is rubbish, no reason for him not to do

InkyFANGERSInkyFace · 26/10/2019 23:07

You're not lazy. You're tired and potentially fatigued - the fact you're so exhausted and doing the bedding hurts your arms, I'd be worried about there being something more to play here. Because it sounds like your get on with more but you feel very bogged down and very exhausted.

inwood · 26/10/2019 23:07

Why can't you wake in the night? That sounds odd to me.

Runbikeswim · 26/10/2019 23:07

I think you need to get checked at the docs and if you are otherwise fine you have slight laziness 😀

Ilovelala · 26/10/2019 23:09

I think there's a lot more to this so I would say I'm not sure. Obviously the cups of tea thing is silly but think that has been taken out of context. When I worked full time and my husband was home it was nice to come home to a dinner but at the same time I understand it was sometimes all a bit manic and he hadn't had a chance which is fine.
Birthday cards I must say is a strange point to make.

I suppose the real question is do you feel that you do enough? Being on maternity leave doesn't make you his servant but also means you have extra time when the baby sleeps or sits in swing/bouncer /playmat or whatever so there needs to be a balance and only you know what's really going on in the home

wildgirls · 26/10/2019 23:10

I hate the whole ‘reverse’ calling thing. But this is one. Right?!

Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 23:13

Baby doesn't sleep in the day as sleeps all night from around half nine until.7:30 in the morning
Dh has just nipped out and come back with flowers, said he sorry for calling me lazy , I just love sleeping alot to be honest and seem tired at times , he is a wonderful husband and works hard for us , I'm gonna start making the cup of tea and food at night from monday and build upto doi ng other tasks slowly

OP posts:
Mayborn · 26/10/2019 23:14

wildgirls after the most recent update
”Tonight he did the washing , played with DD ran me a bath and made our tea“ I’m inclined to agree!!

If not, then runbikeswim has nailed it!

Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 26/10/2019 23:14

I dont understand what reverse calling is sorry so cant answer that
Temp.situation until I'm back at work early next year

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 26/10/2019 23:15

Like others say you could have some deficiencies so might be worth a trip to your GP. Failing that,yes you do sound lazy,sorry. You don't change the bed because your arm hurts.. 🤦‍♀️🤔so how do you manage picking up your child etc. I know how hard it can be with a little one but you have said he does a hell of a lot and he will do a night feed even though he's up early for work. And will make dinner sometimes. He sounds a lovely,supportive man.

Celebelly · 26/10/2019 23:16

Yeah I think with a baby who sleeps like that you are being unreasonable not to do the night feeds while on mat leave if I'm honest. You need to see someone about your tiredness as if you're going to bed at a decent time you'll be getting at least eight hours. I haven't had eight hours in a block for almost nine months but still don't need three-hour naps!