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Original poster

Feeling guilty for wanting to formula feed preemie?

71 replies

FakeTurtle · 15/10/2019 23:18

Hi,

I had my baby at 31+6 (now 34 weeks corrected) I've been exclusively pumping in that time, so baby has been only on breast milk.
The trouble is I hate pumping. It makes me feel uncomfortable, it stresses me out, and I would have never have chosen to do it in the 1st place. I felt like I had to because he was premature.
I'm considering moving onto formula now because the pumping is making me miserable. But I'm struggling with guilt over the decision, I feel like as soon as he moves onto formula he's going to start going downhill. My partner is saying that I'm not doing what's best for baby, that I'm only thinking about myself and he will guilt trip me for the rest of my life about it.
If baby starts to go downhill because I stop pumping I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself. Is it okay to formula feed a premature baby? Does anyone have any experience?
Thank you

OP posts:

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DartmoorChef · 15/10/2019 23:20

Your partner is a twat. Do what is best for your mental health. If the medical carers say its fine, then it's fine.

57Varieties · 15/10/2019 23:22

No experience but when your partner grows boobs and can lactate he can have an opinion!

57Varieties · 15/10/2019 23:23

Honestly of all the things in parenting worth getting guilty about blooming infant feeding isn’t one of them

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WellErrr · 15/10/2019 23:24

Honestly, babies do better on breast milk. However, you need to weigh that up against your mental health

Is donor milk an option?

Celebelly · 15/10/2019 23:26

Your partner sounds spectacularly unsupportive. Is he supportive of you pumping, as in practically supportive?

If you can persevere with it for a while longer then I think it would be good - premature babies are one of the situations where the benefits of breastmilk are uncontested. But if it's affecting your mental health to a degree where you are struggling then formula might be the right option. Can you access donor milk?

WellErrr · 15/10/2019 23:27

Also, what is it about pumping that makes you miserable? Is it the time it takes? Are you finding it uncomfortable?

You don’t sound happy about stopping so it’s worth exploring exactly what the issue is. Once you stop, restarting will be very difficult, and feelings of guilt (from your post, not me projecting) may affect your mental health more adversely than the pumping is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 23:27

My partner is saying that I'm not doing what's best for baby, that I'm only thinking about myself and he will guilt trip me for the rest of my life about it.

Wow. OP, that is beyond disgusting. That’s an unforgivable thing to say to you.

You do what feels right for you and your baby. Pumping is masses of work, it’s exhausting, and if it‘s time to stop then pat yourself on the back for having done so much already and happily move on to formula.

Do you have support from family or friends, your midwife or HV, to counteract your partner’s awful attitude?

Whoops75 · 15/10/2019 23:28

My son was early not premie and got very constipated from formula.
I had to try a few to find one that suited.

The time is short really.
Skin to skin might help while pumping and do tell your dh to piss off.

Celebelly · 15/10/2019 23:30

Also no one really enjoys pumping. It's not an enjoyable thing and it can be stressful. I did it exclusively for three months and now I'm sick of the sight of a pump! There's a balance for each person on weighing up sacrificing personal enjoyment for what you think is better for your child. Where that tipping point is will be different for each person.

Have you made pumping as comfortable as possible? Handsfree pumping bra? Good double pump? Delegating sterilising and faffing about with bottles to DP? I hated pumping in the hospital until I discovered pumping bras so I didn't have to hold on the flanges!

gracepoolesrum · 15/10/2019 23:31

Firstly, your partner sounds absolutely awful and staggeringly unsupportive.

Secondly, your baby will come to no harm through formula feeding. When my DD was born we were in neonatal for quite a while and I think most babies were FF. It's honestly fine.

Having said that, how much longer are you likely to have to pump for? At 34 weeks you might be close to actually being able to breastfeed. Might be worth asking the medical team if you can have a go? If you want to breastfeed it would be a shame to have persevered with pumping for so long to not reach your end goal. That assumes you want to breastfeed, if not then go ahead with FF and don't feel guilty.

Wannabegreenfingers · 15/10/2019 23:31

My preemie was formula fed as I couldn't pump. He thrived. Fed is best, no matter which way. Tell your partner to grow up.

heynow12 · 15/10/2019 23:32

Hey,
My LO was born at 27 weeks. I pumped for ten weeks whilst she was in hospital and have bf since so I completely understand your frustrations, it is very hard work with a preemie.

Not sure where u are at with your journey but do you have the option of donor milk whilst your LO is still tube fed? I only ask because I was told that while mine was tiny the doctors wouldn't give formula. It was my breast milk or donor milk. Donor milk might take the pressure off until they are able to have formula??

I know it's crap for you but breast milk is so important for prem babies. It's easier for them to digest and helps prevent NEC. Pumping is soul destroying, I hated it too but you've just got to focus on why you're doing it and know that it's such a short amount of time in the scheme of things.

If it's really affecting you and causing you stress then speak to the doctors about it. Having a prem baby is stressful enough as it is so don't beat yourself up over This. Discuss your concerns and see if you can go down the donor route if formula is not suitable just yet.

WellErrr · 15/10/2019 23:36

Secondly, your baby will come to no harm through formula feeding.

Being supportive doesn’t mean lying.
Formula feeding puts babies at higher risk of many complications including infections and gastric problems. The longer OP can feel supported to give her baby breast milk, the fewer complications the baby is at risk from.

This needs to be weighed against the impact on OP’s mental health. But stating opinions like the one above as fact really doesn’t help.

Whoops75 · 15/10/2019 23:38

Milk bank is a good idea.
Is this an option?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 23:41

Your partner is a dick.

I assume you're home with baby? No issues with baby's bowels?

I can't see why formula would make your baby deteriorate if he's currnetly healthy.

If your partner hates you so much he'll guilt trip you forever for not tipping yourself into possible depression, he should be your ex

Original poster

FakeTurtle · 15/10/2019 23:48

Wasn't expecting so many responses, thank you for the replies. Baby is currently on the low dependencey unit in hospital, he's struggling with his oxygen desaturation so I'm scared that by stopping that will get worse.
I've tried to speak to my partner about being unsupportive but he doesn't understand. He thinks that because I'm a mum now that I should abandon all my hang ups (thats what he likes to call it) and make my son my first priority. (He absolutely is my 1st priority which is why I'm struggling so much with this decision)
If my baby was full term I would have formula fed straight away but I didn't have that option sadly. I would even rather breastfeed than pump so I might take that under consideration.

OP posts:

57Varieties · 15/10/2019 23:48

Being supportive doesn’t mean lying.
Formula feeding puts babies at higher risk of many complications including infections and gastric problems

This is good advice weigh up both sides.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 15/10/2019 23:53

Please do not feel guilty.

I FF both my preemie babies .

The best thing for your baby is an emotionally content mum - not whether baby is breastfed.

I say that as a mum & a nurse.

My 2 are teenagers now , thriving beautifully , really healthy, happy, in top sets .

Do what is best for your family unit. No one else.

QueenEnid · 15/10/2019 23:55

@FakeTurtle nothing to add much other than a hug. I'm so sorry your partner isn't being more supportive.

Have you given breastfeeding a go? I pumped for 5/6 months with both of mine as I didn't like breastfeeding personally.

You should do whatever makes you feel best and whatever you're comfortable with. No one other than you gets to make the decision about what you do with your body xx

ICJump · 16/10/2019 00:04

Have you tried hand expressing? Just wondering if that is less horrible than a pump. That way you could provide some breastmilk and keep your supply going so when baby is ready for direct breastfeeding you could try that.

qwerty3 · 16/10/2019 00:16

My baby was born at 33 weeks, ventilated and had other issues. I didn't plan to breastfeed after difficulties with my first, but felt guilty that she was early so I managed to pump for a few weeks.

In the end a neo natal nurse told me it was okay to stop if it was making me unwell. I needed the permission to stop as I felt so guilty and I was so grateful for the compassion she showed me.
(She told me that I should tell the other staff/ nurses that my milk had dried up to stop being pressurised to continue).
My child is now 15 years old, in great health, does well at school and is rarely ill so it doesn't appear to have caused her any harm. I understand that breast is best, but formula is okay too and it is your choice.
You have given your baby the best start. If you can't continue, that is okay. Really.

MissMarks · 16/10/2019 00:22

Is there any reason you can’t feed your baby from the breast??
I appreciate the mental health concerns but the health benefits to the baby are huge- it absolutely is miles and miles better than formula- formula simply can’t replicate it. I would keep going as long as you can.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 16/10/2019 00:37

If you think your mental health is suffering then definitely FF. If pumping is just a pain in the arse, well this is one of many times where you need to decide if you do what's convenient for you or what's best for him. Only you know which it is.

JenniferM1989 · 16/10/2019 00:52

MissMarks, can you show us these 'huge' benefits please? I breastfed my son and he's a very happy little boy but suffered colic and reflux and gets croup every year and 4 or 5 colds (nothing big, just a normal cold). I've yet to see these huge benefits compared to my sister that formula fed her daughter of the same age but never gets ill and never suffered colic or reflux 🤔.

I'll come back in the morning to see your scientific evidence that there's huge rewards and health benefits for breastfed babies. To me it's a total myth. It's best because of the bond it creates and that is literally it. Healthline are trying to say it will make babies smarter 😂

TheBrockmans · 16/10/2019 00:55

No experience but when your partner grows boobs and can lactate he can have an opinion!

In fact men can produce milk, especially with the use of a pump. Look up a few stories on Male lactation, suggest that it would be a great way to help him bond with the baby and share the responsibility with you then turn the pump onto him. Either he will embrace the concept and share the pumping effort or he will suddenly decide that formula feed isn't such a bad option. I would be taking advice from your health professionals not your dh especially if your mental health is suffering. Talk to a midwife/ neonatal nurse. Oh and take a long look at dh and see whether he is controlling in other areas of life.

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