Feeling guilty for wanting to formula feed preemie?

[FakeTurtle]

Hi,

I had my baby at 31+6 (now 34 weeks corrected) I've been exclusively pumping in that time, so baby has been only on breast milk.
The trouble is I hate pumping. It makes me feel uncomfortable, it stresses me out, and I would have never have chosen to do it in the 1st place. I felt like I had to because he was premature.
I'm considering moving onto formula now because the pumping is making me miserable. But I'm struggling with guilt over the decision, I feel like as soon as he moves onto formula he's going to start going downhill. My partner is saying that I'm not doing what's best for baby, that I'm only thinking about myself and he will guilt trip me for the rest of my life about it.
If baby starts to go downhill because I stop pumping I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself. Is it okay to formula feed a premature baby? Does anyone have any experience?
Thank you

Very true sleepingstandingup I'm true preemie mums can be judgemental too.

Your mental health is more important than breast milk.

Meant I'm sure not I'm true.

Namechange3007surely you realise that not every baby in NICU is pre 37 weeks and that of those post 37 weekers lots of the Mom's will struggle to nurse just through the sheer trauma of the experience?

Yes I do know that, I spent 6 and half weeks in 3 separate NICUs.

Thank you again for the replies!
I'm going to try and speak to someone about it and see what they advise as well. You've all been very helpful. I really enjoyed pumping at first because it felt like the one good thing I could do for my baby (I didn't get to see him afterwards for a little while). Now it's just become so stressful - especially with the way my partner is about it all. He has become very controlling since baby was born.
Thank you all ♥️

Hi Turtle

I won't comment on your partner and his opinions.

Regarding bf a premie, you have done the worst bit of exclusively pumping. From 34 weeks they are capable of coordinating sucking and swallowing so you should be fine to attempt feeding from the breast directly. USE A NIPPLE SHIELD. No one told me that till way down the line and it was essential for good latch and keeping her awake bizarrely. Mine was a 30-weeker and by the time she left hospital at 36 weeks, we could have exclusively bf. We didn't and I carried on pumping and bottle top-ups because we weren't told about the nipple shield benefits till way too late.

Anyway, point is, you're about to enter the next phase and before you know it you could be bf only and no more pumping! Try thinking of it as a week at a time maybe and set mini goals?

I agree your MH comes first but with two caveats:

1. do make sure you won’t regret the decision later. My DD was prem and turns out she has some minor SN and it gives me comfort to know I did everything possible for her in those early days including pumped BM (of course no evidence it had any positive effect but I like to think it did and if I hadn’t I’d always wonder).
2. consider why you hate pumping and if it could be improved for you. For example the SCBU that DD was in had mobile pumping units and screens so I could sit by her cot and pump, so much nicer than being in the poky pumping room. I also rewarded myself for midnight pumps by eating chocolate hob nobs during pumping . If the pump is uncomfortable look into a different pump or different flange size (ask the nurses), makes a big difference.
3. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could reduce the frequency of pumping

Good luck and hope your baby comes home soon, NICU is tough x

Sorry just saw your update. Yes your partner is being a dick but try not to let that influence your feelings about bf v ff, make your own decision rather than reacting to his behaviour iyswim.

It is a tough one. First thing I want to say is that you've done brilliantly to pump until now. It is hard work, painful and pretty damn miserable getting up through the night to pump as well as going through the trauma of having your baby in NICU/SCBU and no one can truly understand what it feels like unless they've experienced it themselves. I think it comes down to how your supply is now, if the baby is thriving and whether you want to be able to breastfeed when you finally get to take your baby home. Realistically if you do plan to breastfeed, then you are going to have to keep going with the pumping for a while yet (my 30 weeker came home at 7 weeks but was on 3 hourly bottle feeds made up of my milk plus a fortifying powder as he still tired too quickly to be exclusively breastfed though I managed to eliminate bottles entirely about a month later). For me personally, I kept going with pumping as while he was in hospital it was pretty much the only thing I felt that I could do for him and I was struggling to sleep anyway. BUT my supply was good, there was an amazing NICU nurse who was amazing at (inflicting horrific pain) unblocking the inevitable blocked ducts which come from longterm pumping and there was a great feeling of camaraderie with other preemie mums in the milking room. If your little one is 34 weeks now you are getting close to the magic turning point of them being able to start to suckle, breathe and swallow. Could you keep going long enough (another couple of weeks) to see if breastfeeding works for you both? Or have a chat with the staff to see what the other options are (mixed, donor, formula). Well done and best of luck whatever you decide.

Yes I do know that, I spent 6 and half weeks in 3 separate NICUs so you know support shouldn't be a gestation issue.

Re dropping feeds OP I had to do this, had to drop the 2 am pump for my sanity. Didn't massively affect my supply but going home at 3 months did

Op, its a big problem that your partner is being controlling. It's worth talking to the staff about this too. if you are still under the care of a midwife I believe they can help you access support. Even with the NICU staff, if you tell them that you have decided to formula feed then they can at least help you to explain it to your partner that it is not detrimental to the baby.

Maybe give yourself a deadline (say 37 or 40 weeks corrected would get baby the most important bit) or start combi feeding, with formula or donor breast milk. You need to take into consideration three things, your mental health, your babies health, and your feeding options. You do not need to consider your partner in this, his role is to support you and the baby in what's best for both of you. Not just fed the baby, for both the baby and you.

I had 2 premature babies. My youngest and my eldest. One was 2lbs at 32 weeks. One was 2.5lbs at 36 weeks.

My motto in life is ‘life is hard. Made especially hard with children. Do whatever you can to make it easier for you’. I Damaaged my pituitary gland after the birth by massive bleed. Which meant I wasn’t able to reduce any hormones. Including prolactin. So that meant no breast milk. However I didn’t know this at the time. I bruised my boobs so black. The breastfeeding lady nearly fainted when she saw them. She was horrified I felt I had to go to this level to feed my child.

When I was on neo natal. They said if I breastfed. I’d have to show them they had good blood sugars over a week. However if I established bottle feeding. We didn’t need to test blood sugars and she could be out tomorrow

No brainier for me. I still wasn’t producing milk. She was having breast milk from a donor. So I went straight into bottle feeding.

I don’t give two hoots as to what people think. My child was fed. Loved. Happy. Healthy. But mainly they were alive. And so was I.

Do whatever you feel is best. Happy mummy. Happy life. It’s so very true

@TheBrockmans

Men only lactate is they produce prolactin. For men to produce it usually means they have what’s called a prolactinoma. I know endocrine

He has become very controlling since baby was born.

Please talk to someone about this as a matter of urgency. Some men become abusive, or more abusive, after babies. It gives them a level of control they didn't have before.

Look after yourself

Baby will thrive with a happy mum.
Definitely sort out your partners controlling behaviour now as DS certainly won't thrive with a controlling father who makes his mum unhappy.

I second what @MrsTerryPratchett said. Please seek help, even if it's just someone to talk too.

Just wanted to say that when mine were babies I was so anti-formula and (I'm ashamed to say) a bit judgey about formula feeding. Now I say that mums have enough pressure, and caring for a preemie must be a huge added stress. Breastmilk is best but, especially given your feelings about pumping, formula feeding is fine. Good enough is good enough, as they say. Parenting can be one big guilt trip - there are always ways to feel that you're not doing enough, that you're letting them down, that you're not measuring up in all sorts of ways.

I'm sorry your partner is an arsehole. Hugs.

My DD was born at 30+5 earlier this year. I never wanted to breastfeed either but felt guilted into it because of how early she was. I tried expressing but my milk just never came in so she was given donor breast milk for a couple of weeks. Then she was put onto special formula for prem babies, which shes had ever since.

She came home from NICU after 6 weeks when she hit 5lbs (she was 2lbs 8oz at birth). Shes now 5 months old and thriving!

Please don't beat yourself up about this! I felt awful about giving up expressing but i just couldnt do it any more when i was getting so little! (A measly 1ml after 15 mins pumping). Im so glad i did though, my little girl is doing beautifully and it did wonders for my mental health. Thats what you need with a baby in NICU!! Best of luck

I've breastfed for 5 years in total, loved it. Tried pumping so someone else could give a bottle, hated every second and could hardly produce any milk. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable and disjointed from my body. I can understand how you feel.

As a mental health & physical health nurse its so warming to see the women on this thread prioritising mums mental health above b/f.

This is so crucially important. In my role it meant that i felt able to assert myself when i had my preemies because i knew that b/f is not an antidote to the trauma of having a prem baby.

My health came first so that I could meet my own emotional needs and those of my baby.

These outcomes are in my opinion are much more important.