Being parent to the naughty kid

[theworstwife]

My DS is the naughty kid in his new reception class, he’s the only one put on the clouds. In preschool he was the only one with a sticker chart. This week a little girl pointed at him in the queue for class and said that’s the naughty boy - everyone looked at us like we had the plague.

He’s a kind, empathic, fun child but he can’t sit still or stop making noises and he struggles with transitions from one task to another. I am constantly trying to help him but it’s so difficult to get him to listen. I don’t think he has ADHD or anything like that but he just can’t control himself sometimes. He was on the clouds again today (no one else is ever on them) for making silly noises at group time. He was trying to be good so he could go to soft play this weekend. I was so frustrated with him and disappointed that i have probably been more punative than I should have been. I don’t shout or loose control but I have told him how cross and at a loss I am which I now wish I hadn’t.

I find it so hard having the naughty child - I feel everyone assumes it’s our poor parenting but I genuinely don’t think it is. I hate not doing things by the book and myself was a v disciplined and quiet child so I’m finding him so hard. My DH is great with him but it’s me that is dealing with school as I’m on mat leave. I really don’t want him to be labelled the disruptive child that everyone wants to avoid. I don’t know what to do next. I am meeting with his teacher in November so hopefully she can give me a clearer picture of how far outside the norm his behaviour is. I guess we could see an educational psychologist or something privately but I don’t know if that’s OTT. Any other naughty kid parents with advice?

Starting internet school at 10 not 20.

Being constantly punished, told off, accused of being lazy or lying day after day for years damages self esteem and perception of self as a learner. It does not modify behaviour symptomatic of an underlying condition, promote a growth mindset or build resilience.

When teachers use punishment (clouds) they are unable to make reasonable adjustment - they argue that the rules apply to all DC and their 'system' would collapse if the 'naughtiest' child were exempt. So even though punishment does not work, they keep at it. DS1 was kept in every break and lunchtime for weeks. I pointed out that it wasn't working but the teacher dug her heels in as if it were a battle of wills and said it's ineffectiveness meant that they had to punish him more and for longer.

What I found re cloud was ds would be moved down for not meeting expectations.

But the teacher wouldn't move him up when he did learn and meet them - because he should be doing that.

He's autistic! Lots of things he should be doing naturally as the norm need to be taught. You'd at least think you'd reward him for the effort of learning and confirming to social norms 🙄

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain I think this teacher may have the same ethos - she comes across as very rigid and business like for someone nurturing 20 or so 4 year olds. I can’t imagine she will be open to any modification to her working practices.

@Mumof21989 they are so little and it’s hard not to get caught up in the expectations of the school and loose perspective. I hope your DD will feel happier at school soon. We have writing homework to do today - joy!

@theworstwife I know and I feel it at the other end of the scale to you. I wish my child wasn't the one who was shy with poor social skills. It's not like I have not socialised her. I feel like I am also at the start of a negative road of meetings with teachers etc. These poor kids are clearly starting too young x

She then comes home and takes her moods out on me

or - she then comes home and can 'let it all go' in a space she feels secure and loved after masking all day which took all her coping strength to deal with.

My DD already has senco helping her that's great, she's so lucky school are really on the ball and are involved in supporting her.

Non-disruptive quiet pupils are often ignored in schools.

I feel like I am also at the start of a negative road of meetings with teachers etc
It's not negative if they want to put strategies in place to help your daughter. Many parents would love their children to be in a school that was taking a pro-active lead like yours appears to be.

IMO ASD DC's failure to modify behaviour following punishment is interpreted as proving that he 'doesn't care' (rather than indicating that the system is faulty as it is, at best, not universally applicable.). It cannot accommodate the idea that 'caring' does not lead to behaviour modification.

OP, you will know that differential diagnosis of a life long neurological condition will take time given no obvious signs and the fact that the same diagnostic principles will mean that when symptoms can have multiple causes you wait and watch and rule out the more common causes (hearing problem, parenting problem).

Aside from mental health being key and for life - you have no choice but address real life problems with your son at school. To do this you might need to follow a diagnostic route. In the meantime, or if you don't, I would prioritise your DS's mental health. Maybe a change of class or school would help, transition from reception to KS1 or from KS1 to KS2 - or maybe things would get worse. It all takes time so the main thing is to focus on reducing the number of negative/stressful experiences DS has in the meantime until you all have a clearer idea of your DS's needs and how best to meet them.

@lookingfortreasure the benefits of a diagnosis are huge. They're covered by the Equality Act, more likely to get an EHCP which legally provides for their educational needs, medication, understanding from a parental perspective of strategies they can use, and understanding for them when they're older of who they are, why they feel the way they do, and what their strengths and challenges may be.

A bit of an update. I spoke to the teacher and she has a pretty good idea of who DS is which was reassuring. She wasn't too concerned with his behaviour in terms of 'naughtiness' and said she agreed the cloud system is something they are looking at changing as a school. She noted he struggles with concentration, maintaining eye contact (has been a problem since he was a toddler), social norms and other peoples boundaries and impulsive behaviour. She is going to ask the school SENCo about him.

I have made an appointment with the GP which unfortunately can't happen until mid November as there are no appointments. He seems to be making a few friends which is good. I am trying to make sure he is getting lots of exercise and sleep and trying to be more understanding of his impulsive behaviour. He did OK at school yesterday so hoping we can finish the half term on a positive note. Thanks again everyone for your advice

Really glad the teacher was receptive and sensible....wishing you all the very best on the road ahead, OP