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Original poster

Ex partner wants a phone call every night from children

151 replies

DearPru · 29/07/2019 20:17

Split a few months ago from my ex. Children live with me and see him whenever he’s free. He’s been requesting a phone call every night before they go to bed after he gets home from work. I was happy to do this at the beginning as it was all so fresh and I didn’t want to upset the children anymore than possible. But now it’s becoming a bit of a pain as I have a faulty phone which means that if the children call him the phone disconnects when they’re holding the it, so unless I’m physically holding the phone to their ear for however long the chat goes on for, it hangs up and i have to call him back. Apart from that it’s smack bang in the middle of the bedtime routine so as much as I have no issue with the children chatting, I’d rather it didn’t mean i was stuck while the phone call goes on.
I messaged him tonight to explain this and said I don’t mind doing it when it’s a quiet night but if it’s been a hectic day or manic night then I won’t be phoning. His response was ‘I want to speak to them everyday so youll just need to’
Do any other parents who co parent know if a nightly phone call is the norm? Am I being a bad mum by saying it can happen when it’s suitable?

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Original poster
DearPru · 31/07/2019 20:17

Thanks Mrs Bert. I think he’s clinging onto whatever he can still have a say in. I don’t mind the phone calls but I hate feeling like if it’s too manic and I don’t manage it that I’m going to have a cheeky message from him.

I just replied tonignt to say. Bedtime routine was manic and they’re in bed. If he wants to talk to them, he can phone here and if they’re able to, they’ll answer. I genuinely forgot. They’re small and they’re hyper at bed and the only thing I’m concentrating on at that time of night is getting them to bed and getting peace and quiet =p

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MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2019 20:32

You aren’t his staff!

That is word for word what I was going to say!

WhatsInAName19 · 01/08/2019 18:05

I'm fuming on your behalf. What a twat he is. It's really ALL about controlling you. He doesn't give a shit about his kids.

I totally agree with PPs that you should send him an email (maybe even CC solicitors? Not sure if that's a good idea but I'm sure someone could advise) setting out the contact that you are offering, due to the children's need for some routine and stability, and their need to spend time with their father. "The children will be available for contact between 6pm Friday until 6 Sunday every other week". If he doesn't show up, he's missed the boat until the following fortnight. And definitely as one PP said, don't tell the kids he is coming. If he lets them down it will be so damaging. My DH is in his 30s and still has issues stemming partly from this. If he is unhappy, the ball is then in his court to seek mediation or take you to court. It's not your responsibility to take ownership of all of this.

I'd be very careful about making any arrangements RE the phonecalls. I think you need to keep it very "off the record" and very loose in detail. The last thing you want is a situation where you can never make plans on certain nights, kids can't have playdates etc because he has clung onto a "promise" that you'd always have them available for a call. And with the phone, as annoying as it is, I think I might just take it on the chin and buy a cheap PAYG handset. You don't want him buying them a bloody iPhone or something, and then when one of them flushes it down the toilet he is after you to replace it. Or as someone said, he's got a tracker app or something. I'd probably just avoid discussing it as much as possible really and stick to your current very loose verbal offer that if he wants to speak with them, he can buy a house phone and HE can make the call, and if you are available (meaning that you are at home and that you aren't too busy with bath and bedtime or whatever) then the kids will answer. If you're busy, tough. He has ample time EOW to see them.

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TowelNumber42 · 01/08/2019 18:40

Your response was too long and explanatory. You are still acting like he is judge and jury. You didn't need to respond at all. Do not call him at all any more. He can call. You can choose whether to pick up. You can tell him by the power of just not calling him and ignoring any shouting or responding "Phone if you want, we'll answer if we are able."

Original poster
DearPru · 01/08/2019 18:43

Well he’s agreed to fortnightly full weekends, Friday evening until Sunday evening. Means I have some free time to myself as well. Let’s see if he sticks to it. I also mentioned if on the weekends I have the girls, if he’s missing them too much and they don’t have plans then he’s free to have them over. I doubt he’ll take me up on that offer though.

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BlueJag · 01/08/2019 18:48

I'm amazed they can hold a conversation. Our son would struggle with daily phone calls and he is 13. I'll say FaceTime for a few minutes would be better they see each other he may even be able to read them a small bed story.
My absolute respect to you for managing the daily phone calls.

Penelopepeace · 01/08/2019 18:51

When I fostered a Social Worker stopped nightly calls from a parent as it was too disruptive to our nightly routine and she felt it was controlling. The child still had regular calls, but not every night at a fixed time.

Original poster
DearPru · 01/08/2019 19:09

I’ve told him that the timing of the calls is the most inconvenient time of the day for me. They’ve not spoken to him the passed 2 nights but maybe if he speaks to them less on the phone it’ll encourage him to try and physically see them more?

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JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/08/2019 19:15

That’s great about the weekend contact! Much easier than I expected that to go. Maybe there’s hope yet! Hope he sticks to it OP. Remain firm. Refer back to MN and this thread for support.

Original poster
DearPru · 08/08/2019 12:19

His latest message -

I think it would be easier if you gave them dinners on Sundays so I can spend more time having fun with them because bringing them home for 5 is fine but realistically I would need to give them dinner at 3 for them to eat it and allow us time to travel. Is that ok?

We had agreed he would drop them here for 5pm to allow me time to bath them before bed. Now he wants me to do their dinner and bath so he can do more fun stuff?

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TuckMyWin · 08/08/2019 12:28

Tell him to do dinner at lunch and then tea in the evening before dropping them home, so it doesn't take so long.

Original poster
DearPru · 08/08/2019 12:30

@TuckMyWin thank you. I’ll suggest that. I don’t want to be rushing about trying to squeeze in bathtime and dinner in an hour

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Kanga83 · 08/08/2019 12:30

I applaud him for wanting to talk to them everyday! I wish my dad made the effort to make me feel loved and wanted like that when he left. He doesn't owe you a new phone, but he could ring back when it disconnects.

TuckMyWin · 08/08/2019 12:32

Make sure you make it clear you're saying no though. 'No that won't work for the girls as there won't be time before bed for both dinner and bath. You could do dinner at lunch and then tea in the evening if you're finding it tricky'. Or something along those lines.

MondeoFan · 08/08/2019 13:03

I would try really hard to carry this on, I know it's hard and sometimes it's plain inconvenient but you are helping the children maintain a relationship with their father. Everyone will thank you for it later on

WhatsInAName19 · 08/08/2019 13:33

To be fair, 5pm is quite early for him to drop them off having been fed their dinner. Can he not sit them down for dinner at 5pm and return them to you by 6pm? Even if it means taking them to a cafe or restaurant near your house? Then you still have an hour to do bath and bedtime. I don't think he's being massively unreasonable about the timings, although it's a bit twatty of him to say it's because he needs more time to do his Disney dad routine whilst expecting you to pick up more of the boring stuff. He should be sorting their dinner, he just needs a little more time to fit it in.

Original poster
DearPru · 08/08/2019 14:14

Exactly. I’m on the routine of dinners and Baths Etc all week and every second weekend he gets no interference from us at all to just relax.
Surely if he wants more time to more fun things with them then he should make more time to see them?
I get 4 days free to myself every month and he’s already trying to get me to do more for him in the days I’m supposed to be doing my own thing

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TuckMyWin · 08/08/2019 14:40

How do you feel about doing bath before bed? Because you're right, he should be doing more of the routine stuff, so depending on how you feel about what time they are dropped back, you could turn it on its head and say for him to drop them back later in their pj's, ready for bed?

Original poster
DearPru · 08/08/2019 14:49

@TuckMyWin I’d love that but he doesn’t drive and to get them home he has to use public transport. I’m happy doing the bath as long as it’s just a quick bath then bed straight after. It’s not fair for him to have fun filled days and leave all he tedious routine jobs to me because they're not fun

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JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 08/08/2019 16:05

I also think 3 is really early to be having dinner. Presumably he has to feed them at 3 because it takes so long to get them back to you for 5 on public transport? What time do they go to bed at? 7? I would tell him you will change drop off time to 6 so that he can feed them at 4, he has an extra hour to do “fun” stuff and then drop them back to you ready for you to do bath and bed (and supper. They’ll need something to keep them going to the next morning)

titchy · 08/08/2019 16:15

Proper meal at lunchtime. Picnic tea on bus/train. Home for 6.30.

ajbellamy · 08/08/2019 21:24

He's gone from seeing the children every day until god knows how many times a week. He would find it very difficult to accept the new situation. However he needs to respect the children's routine. You need to tell him a time they're available for a phone call as you know their routine best. It will eventually be less and less, it happened with my children's dad. Now he never rings.

TowelNumber42 · 08/08/2019 22:21

What time would they normally eat on a Sunday if they were home with you?

Rainonmyguitar · 14/08/2019 14:06

‘ You don't need to proactively contact me and offer. If I'm free and it's a holiday I'm off I will contact you. Get them to phone me tonight please ‘

Honestly, I would just stop ringing him. If he rings and you're home then fair enough. I would also tell him the kids are busy the next time he randomly demands them. It took me a long time to start standing up to my ex. I tried so hard to keep the peace for a long time but in reality, he was taking the absolute piss.

He never had them over-night, switched days at the drop of a hat, wouldn't commit to a regular schedule - he only saw them for 3/4 hours one day midweek. So I told him he either commits to a regular schedule, including maybe one weekend a month - he said he'd have to check him and his girlfriends calendar Angry. He knew I was deadly serious...he fucked off and we haven't heard anything since, life is so much better without him

Original poster
DearPru · 23/08/2019 20:19

Just a quick update. Thanks for everyone’s advice.

The Friday - Sunday alternative weekends seems to be working nicely. No problems so far. We only have contact regarding the kids and I think he’s slowly realising he doesn’t and can’t have control over everything like he normally would.

I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice.

Thanks again =]

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