Ex partner wants a phone call every night from children

[DearPru]

Split a few months ago from my ex. Children live with me and see him whenever he’s free. He’s been requesting a phone call every night before they go to bed after he gets home from work. I was happy to do this at the beginning as it was all so fresh and I didn’t want to upset the children anymore than possible. But now it’s becoming a bit of a pain as I have a faulty phone which means that if the children call him the phone disconnects when they’re holding the it, so unless I’m physically holding the phone to their ear for however long the chat goes on for, it hangs up and i have to call him back. Apart from that it’s smack bang in the middle of the bedtime routine so as much as I have no issue with the children chatting, I’d rather it didn’t mean i was stuck while the phone call goes on.
I messaged him tonight to explain this and said I don’t mind doing it when it’s a quiet night but if it’s been a hectic day or manic night then I won’t be phoning. His response was ‘I want to speak to them everyday so youll just need to’
Do any other parents who co parent know if a nightly phone call is the norm? Am I being a bad mum by saying it can happen when it’s suitable?

He’s got more energy to argue than me. I’m just happy we’re no longer together. He’d fight to the end if he thought I wanted more money so for the sake of a tennner, he can have it.

Is he on national minimum wage?

I just punched the numbers into the calculator and the only way it's £50pw is if he's full time on NMW.

If you think he's on even a bit more I'd apply to CMS to check.

He gets about £1200 per month in his wages. Not sure if that’s minimum wage?

Also monthly at £190 is £2280 annually. £50pw is £2600. Are you sure he's not short changing your DC? £320 would go a long way for activities or uniforms or the like for them.

He works Monday - Friday office hours

It's hard to know if that's before tax or after tax. It's probably worth pursuing some of these things - CM done properly through CMS, access and visitation agreed properly through mediation etc.

To answer your actual question though, my DP and his XW call the children every single night no matter who has them. DC are 3 and almost 6. But they just put the kids on speaker phone and go about their business.

A former partner and his XW didn't allow each other to call as it wasn't legally enforceable apparently and became a very tit for tat situation. So people do it different ways.

Both situations however were 50/50 custody. If he only sees them once a week I'd allow every night on speaker phone or 3 set nights a week or something.

I'm assuming your children enjoy saying goodnight to their father so why not get a second hand/cheap box standard phone just for these good night phone calls, they're less than £15 from argos. Or maybe family member/friends have one they no longer use you can borrow for the time being?

I’m definitely happy for him to call them. I think I’ll just suggest the cheap Nokia phone for them to use when they fancy and when he fancies phoning

I want something in writing about visitation too I just wasn’t aware I could do this as I’m sure I asked last time on here and people said that I couldn’t force him to see the children but if I stopped him seeing them then he could go through courts and something be drawn up then. I’m definitely looking into mediation.

Thanks for everyone’s advice.

Some of the comments on here are absolutely fascinating.
I'd suggest re posting on the lone parent page for a more experienced view.

He does sound like he wants it all set up to suit his needs, not necessarily the children. If hes not seeing them often the whole phone call thing is likely to drift away after the novelty wears off for him.

Regarding access you are correct you cant get access written up to force him to see them a d mediation wont force him to either, it could all get written up but then he just doesnt turn up and there is nothing you can do.

Actually, I've changed my mind in this since reading your later posts. I hadn't realised he was so dismissive of everything you want and that he wasn't too bothered about actually seeing them.
I'd tell him you will give him every other weekend. If he cancels (without a really good reason, like hospitalisation or death), he doesn't get to rearrange.
Given the young age of the DC, the phone is pointless. Tell him you will try to face time a couple of times per week, if he sticks to his share of proper visitation.
Take back some control here. And definitely go to CSA and get those payments up.
Sorry OP. I thought from the first post that he was at work and that's why he couldn't see them at set times. I didn't realize he was prioritising his social life at weekends.

He has no right to demand that from you. If contact with his children is so important then he needs to arrange regular actual contact.
The calls are possibly a way of ensuring you are not off out with a new man etc. Suggest call in morning? Surely he would love this if his chats are all about the kids so then you can relax at end of day.
My ex actually took me to court to try and force me to get he to call him. The judge said not a chance! X

Thanks folks. Trying to get him to see them more is proving difficult. He gets shirty when I ask him if he can see them. It’s as if he can’t bear the thought of me having any free time.
I text him regarding getting a cheap handset to use. This was the conversation

“Might be an idea to get them a cheap handset that you can phone anytime. My phones faulty and is a pain to do calls on.”

His reply
“Buy a cheap home telephone for a fiver and I will call on that”

My response
“But we're not always home. I'm not buying anything for you to get nightly phone calls. If you want that then you can buy it yourself”

I think he should buy them a cheap basic phone and call them.

First off, your ex should be doing the phoning, NOT the other way round. He's trying to control you so he can make you feel unsettled and to upset you, can you not see that?

Secondly, at least he wants to remain in frequent contact. My ex hardly phones the dc, and my eldest is starting to question/get emotional about it.

Tell him to get cheap Nokia mobile for £15 and to top it up. It's not up to you to call or to pay for calls. That is his responsibility.

I’m trying to keep everything sweet and I know the minute I start putting my foot down I’ll hear the ‘shes making it difficult for me to see the kids’ line. I’ll be made out the be the bad one.

Can you suggest he gets a cheap tablet and can FaceTime them just before bed, then can have a quick chat and read them a story? Then he might feel like he is part of the bed time routine.
If he won't then put your phone on speaker and leave them to it. If they touch the photos and it hangs up that's it for the night.

The really good thing about divorce is that you no longer have to care what he thinks about you or what he whined to his friends. You don't have to justify the decisions you are making.
Anyone with half a brain will know that if he really wanted to see his kids, he wouldn't be sitting in the pub with his mates instead on a Saturday night.
You know you wouldn't deny him access and in time your children will know it too - it doesn't matter what he tells other people.

Very good point plar. Sorry your ex was such a bastard to you.

I know some people have suggested FaceTiming but from experience I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. It gave Ex access to my home and me in a way a phone call didn’t. He would say, “where’s mummy?” And the DC would swing the phone around to show where I was or carry it round the house to find me showing him all the rooms. He could see if I hadn’t tidied up or if I was dressed up (like I was heading out) or if I was looking an absolutely disaster. I hated it. I hated the calls too, but FaceTiming even more so.

**I’m trying to keep everything sweet and I know the minute I start putting my foot down I’ll hear the ‘shes making it difficult for me to see the kids’ line. I’ll be made out the be the bad one.

No matter what you do he will paint you as the bad one as anything else sheds light on his parental short comings so just crack on and do what's best for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Happy mum- happy kids.

The only way I was able to get my exh to fix up as a parent was to act like I couldn't care less if he saw the kids or not and just got on with my life without him.

Was him being controlling part of the reason you broke up?

Would you ask that if it was a mother who wanted to speak to her kids every night?

Yes

If she was only seeing them occasionally when it suited her & not committing to seeing them on a regular basis etc.

He’s not there looking after them, dictating they be at home at a set time so he can (make sure the OP us st home, not out possibly enjoying herself IS CONTROLLING)

Yes he was controlling while we were together.

How old are the kids?

The fact that he only wants them one night a week rings alarm bells to me - if he's so concerned about having contact he will make an effort to physically see them more often rather than relying on a phone call. They might grow to find this a bit tedious but again it depends how old they are. I certainly wouldn't be giving in to his demands (unless it's what your kids want) unless he takes more parenting responsibility.

Sounds far more like control to me than Dad wanting to say goodnight to his kids.

I'd give them the phone on speakerphone and leave the room.... set a timer for 5 mins then go back and say "say goodnight to Daddy then". Don't engage in anything more with him.

They’re 3 and 5 and I don’t think they care for a phone call they’d much rather see him.

I messaged yesterday to ask if he wanted to have them next week and this was his reply

‘ You don't need to proactively contact me and offer. If I'm free and it's a holiday I'm off I will contact you. Get them to phone me tonight please ‘