Ex partner wants a phone call every night from children

[DearPru]

Split a few months ago from my ex. Children live with me and see him whenever he’s free. He’s been requesting a phone call every night before they go to bed after he gets home from work. I was happy to do this at the beginning as it was all so fresh and I didn’t want to upset the children anymore than possible. But now it’s becoming a bit of a pain as I have a faulty phone which means that if the children call him the phone disconnects when they’re holding the it, so unless I’m physically holding the phone to their ear for however long the chat goes on for, it hangs up and i have to call him back. Apart from that it’s smack bang in the middle of the bedtime routine so as much as I have no issue with the children chatting, I’d rather it didn’t mean i was stuck while the phone call goes on.
I messaged him tonight to explain this and said I don’t mind doing it when it’s a quiet night but if it’s been a hectic day or manic night then I won’t be phoning. His response was ‘I want to speak to them everyday so youll just need to’
Do any other parents who co parent know if a nightly phone call is the norm? Am I being a bad mum by saying it can happen when it’s suitable?

It's all about control with men like this. Get everything sorted legally. Get a formal arrangement for visitation. He can still not turn up, but equally you don't have to make yourself available when he feels like it. He wouldn't get nightly calls in court, it's restrictive.

I'd reply to a shit message like that 'nah, you can call them.' And I wouldn't be sitting around holding the phone up. Phone cuts out, kid put its down, whatever, phone call ends.

Or I'd say 'we're out tonight. That won't be possible.' And then ignore. He doesn't want to speak to the kids, he wants to know that when he says jump you jump.

Yanbu

My dh works late and is never home for bedtime (apart from one weekend night) sometimes he calls to talk to the dc but most of the time it is at the worst possible time and I tell him sorry he can't!!

It is hard doing bedtime alone but having to fit a phone call makes it even more difficult.

You don't need to proactively contact me and offer. If I'm free and it's a holiday I'm off I will contact you.

Translation: don’t make me feel guilty for not having my children on my time off- I was planning on ignoring the fact I was a father and enjoy having a child free social life.

Get them to phone me tonight please

Don’t.

We spoke to my Dad daily when my parents separated, it was really important to us. I’d enable it.

And also op - if he's saying he'll let you know when he's free, I would respond 'this is your only opportunity to make this arrangement. Otherwise I'll be making plans myself. If you don't let me know by x then I'll take it as a no.' And if he gets nasty I'd tell him I won't be responding to aggressive texts and they'll be kept as evidence.

Get mediation sorted and a solicitor. This guy is a knob and until you have that sorted you'll be dealing with this shit every week.

I'd reply to a shit message like that 'nah, you can call them.'

I wouldn’t reply at all.

I think it is about control. I’m trying to be reasonable for the kids but I’m fed up dancing to his tune to keep the peace.

The kids aren’t bothered about the call and sometimes it’s so hectic at bedtime that I genuinely forget. Then once they’re sleeping I’ll get a short message from him asking why the didn’t call.

What happens if I arrange mediation and he refuses to attend?

I wouldn’t arrange mediation. Tell him DC are available on X day from Y time til Z time from now on. (Work out what suits you and the Dcs routine best- in your shoes I would make it every other weekend Friday-Sunday to give you a chance to see friends/go out/chill at home child free) tell him that’s going to be the contact routine from now on. He will object, argue, say it’s not happening and that he won’t turn up. That’s fine. Reiterate that they DC will be available for contact next Friday at 6pm and will never waiting for him. Say nothing more. He may offer an alternative which works for you, in which case agree to it. But if he doesn’t (he seems to like flexibility to suit him) and just doesn’t turn up don’t ring or text asking where he is. Just carry on as normal. He will soon realise he isn’t going to be able to stamp his feet and get his own way all the time at which point he will visit a solicitor to force you to bend to his will. The solicitor will advise mediation for him to sort.

You don’t need to arrange mediation. You’re already seeing your children. If he wants different access then he needs to sort mediation.

Will be waiting for him.

(Btw- do not tell the DC when he is supposed to be coming. If he lets them down it is devastating to them. My Dc were really badly affected by it)

I don't think that would look very good for him op. I don't know about the uk but here mediation is the step you have to take before court. If you refuse mediation then it can move straight to court.

I'd tell him to buy them a phone and that it isn't your job to make sure they call.
He is a parent and you are a parent, there's no together anymore and he just has to accept it.
He can't say "you'll just need to" he is your ex, not your boss.

Joxer makes sense. It makes him do all the work. I guess it depends on whether you want it formalised or not. I'd make sure everything was done over email so there's a trail, I'd be reasonable in my responses but I wouldn't be dragged into arguments. This is what I'm offering xyz, show some flexibility at times but if he is inconsistent or unreliable that's on him and he will only make himself look bad.
Write down every visit, every time he turns up and drops back etc.

Thanks for all the advice folks.

I’m going to see how a discussion about Friday to Sunday visitation goes. If he wants a phone call every evening he’ll need to get the a phone to do it on.

He’s draining the life from me and I’ve not got the energy to fight.

^yep!

Everything in text or email. Keep good records of everything that happens (whether he turns up or doesn’t or is late etc) and don’t get emotional in messages. Whenever he contacts you, read it, put the phone down. Go away and do something else and when your brain has had a chance to process his message and you know what you want to say and are calm, then respond without emotion, just facts and details. Never respond immediately to a text or email.

Honestly? I'd get mediation and CMS sorted asap.

I'm 4 years out from a controlling dickwad and it's only in the last 6 months I've had the courage to ask him to pay the legal minimum. :( I was terrified of "setting him off" by broaching the subject previous.

I've also only in the last 6 months had the courage to say "you said 4pm" or "that time isn't going to work for me because it's not what was agreed in [January]". It's exhausting. Sometimes I go out just so I'm not here when I've got a feeling he'll pull a fast one.

At the beginning he was phoning all the time and coming over twice a week after work... within a couple of months he had a gf and now he'll go 2 weeks at a time without getting in touch with them.

I felt utterly stifled at the beginning - I was still trying to get my head around our break-up and having to spend energy playing stupid games for his benefit.

Anyway - upshot is - I'm now this close to doing CMS and mediation because he's still full of shite. I asked him to buy new school shoes at the weekend... he said no.

Not read the entire thread, but want to add that this is exactly what I did with my ex. We split up when the kids were 6 & 8. It just became routine. It only stopped when the DC became older teens. My ex is an utter prick & I did this more for the kids & me than him, so I could speak to them once regular visits were sorted. I bought them a cheap phone & this is what was used to receive the calls on. I didn't want him calling my personal phone unless absolutely necessary because it was a domestic abuse situation.

He’s draining the life from me and I’ve not got the energy to fight.

Because you're putting so much energy into doing what he wants. Try a little "if...then" SO:

"If you tell me that you're coming then I won't arrange anything." If he does't, hard cheese if they aren't available.

"If you pay for a phone then you can call them." If he doesn't, you call when they want to talk to him. Every couple of days maybe.

"If you pay the minimum CS amount then you're not a cockwomble" OK maybe not the last one.

Why can’t he call at a more convenient time? I rush home from work to make it home in time to put my dc to bed. But if I couldn’t, I would find a good time to call them. I’d call from my office before I left so it was earlier and I wouldn’t be interrupting bedtime. If it was an ongoing issue, I’d adjust my working hours so I was home earlier and could have them more overnights or at least be able to talk to them when they weren’t exhausted and grumpy.

He calls when it’s convenient for him. As usual

You don't have to answer when he calls. In fact you shouldn't. You have left in body but not in spirit.

Start calling the shots. If he has a mantrum take that as a sign you are doing OK.

You are still in "discuss" and appease mode. If you are to build a happy life for you and the children you have to break out of that mindset.

All you have to do is send one message saying you've decided that more regular scheduled contact is in the best interests of the children. You will make them available for a phone call between 6pm and 6.15pm on week nights should he choose to call. You will make them available for contact every other weekend from 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday. Then you do nothing. Nothing. Don't respond to anything at all without checking how to respond with the MN hive mind first.

@towelnumber42 haha! Thanks for the advice. I forgot to phone again tonight. Bath and bedtime routine runs away with me and before I know it they’re in bed and he’s messaging asking why they’ve not called. I’ve enough on my plate here without having to factor in making sure I fit a phone call in for him x

Did you respond to his message? Don’t. You don’t answer to him. You aren’t his staff!

Family solicitor here.

Yes it's about control, and invading your space and time, as is his dodgy timekeeping and unreliability.

Put your foot down, one or two calls a week are plenty, but not at bed time, and not for ages. Little kids are hard and you have things to do.