Ex partner wants a phone call every night from children

[DearPru]

Split a few months ago from my ex. Children live with me and see him whenever he’s free. He’s been requesting a phone call every night before they go to bed after he gets home from work. I was happy to do this at the beginning as it was all so fresh and I didn’t want to upset the children anymore than possible. But now it’s becoming a bit of a pain as I have a faulty phone which means that if the children call him the phone disconnects when they’re holding the it, so unless I’m physically holding the phone to their ear for however long the chat goes on for, it hangs up and i have to call him back. Apart from that it’s smack bang in the middle of the bedtime routine so as much as I have no issue with the children chatting, I’d rather it didn’t mean i was stuck while the phone call goes on.
I messaged him tonight to explain this and said I don’t mind doing it when it’s a quiet night but if it’s been a hectic day or manic night then I won’t be phoning. His response was ‘I want to speak to them everyday so youll just need to’
Do any other parents who co parent know if a nightly phone call is the norm? Am I being a bad mum by saying it can happen when it’s suitable?

can’t force you that should say.

@joxergoestostuttgart - aww that’s awful to hear. How sad he can just walk away!

Well regarding child support he said that’s what the amount the child maintenance calculator gave him when he looked into it. I did read that if I went through child maintenance people that I’d likely get less?

I think some PPs are ignoring a lot of what you're saying and imagining him to be this super amazing, doting dad who just misses his babies like crazy and is desperate to speak with them every single day. If that were the case, he wouldn't be seeing them only one day a week because he needs a "day to himself" and chopping and changing days and times depending on whether there's something else he'd rather be doing. His reply to OP was also very rude, as is the fact that he changes plans and announces at short notice when he will be taking/bringing back DC without the courtesy of a discussion with OP.

I think you need to get tough, otherwise you are in for years of being pushed around by this arsehole. You need to set firm boundaries regarding contact. That doesn't mean that you both can't be flexible if you choose to be, but that needs to be by prior agreement between both of you and not on his orders. Fair enough if he asks if it's ok to swap and you're happy/able to do so. It's not OK for him to unilaterally decide this and force it on you. He needs to commit to his contact periods for the sake of his kids who need reliability from him, and he needs to be prepared to sort alternative childcare if something extremely important comes up, not just assuming you will have them when he gets a better offer. He sounds extremely controlling and unpleasant.

Regarding the phone, I would completely disregard his wishes and consider only your DC. Do they want these phone calls every night? If they do, I would tell exH that you are happy for the calls to continue as the kids enjoy them, but that you won't stay home specifically to have the calls. So if you have plans on a particular evening, there won't be a call and that's just tough. You don't need to explain it further, if he gets arsey just end the conversation. He needs to learn how to co-parent with you, not just lay down the law.

If the roles reversed and you were a man saying this, most would be calling you unreasonable and controlling.

He has every right to want to speak to his children and this is not something you should have a say over, it's reasonable and beneficial for the children.

The issue with your phone is your own problem and one you as an adult will have to address, he is not obligated to buy you a phone to facilitate speaking to his children. When they're older, he can buy them their own to stay in touch.

As parent's we do things that we mat not like but we know are in the best interest of the children, and this is one of those situations.

Try to maintain an amicable relationship at least for the sake of the children.

Don’t take his word for it, it’s in his interests to lie. He doest want to give you money.

Contact CMS and put in a claim. They will calculate it based on his income. If he works full time you will get more than £190. Unless he is paying for other children too? and make sure and tell them he has them less than once a week. He will try and say he has them more to reduce his payments.

How old are the children? Do they enjoy it? My sister's ex did this, their children really didn't have a lot to say and it very quickly fizzled out.

You let him work out how much he owes without checking it? I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Hopefully he has been honest but I would certainly be double checking that!
And if the sexes were reversed... I think most posters would be saying why the hell do you only see your babies once a week?

If the roles reversed and you were a man saying this, most would be calling you unreasonable and controlling.

Ugh I really wish people would fuck off with this "if the sexes were reversed" bollocks on every other thread. How many mothers do you know who see their kids once a week if they can be arsed?

I would tell him the situation and get him to buy a cheap phone and when he does ring leave it up to them to talk to him while you can get on with something else, if they put the phone down or aren't wanting to talk much then I wouldn't be trying to ring him back or anything.

He has every right to want to speak to his children

Yes, he has every right to want to speak to his children. He has no rights over OPs phone or time. He can buy them a phone and call them on it.

and this is not something you should have a say over

When it requires her phone and her time she always has the say.

I just checked there and it says I’m entitled to £50 per week from him. So he’s only paying £10 less than what they say he should.

Genuinely gobsmacked by some of the replies on here. This isn’t for the benefit of the children, it’s all about him and what he wants, as evidenced by the fact he’s happy to keep his two infant children up past their bed time to ‘talk’ to him. AND the fact that he’s got the OP phoning him! If I were you OP I’d force his hand and tell him that this needs to be discussed and agreed as part of wider arrangements for contact - he doesn’t get to cherry pick and if he was that bothered he’d be bending over backwards to see them.
It does sound like a form of control to me. And whilst yes I would hate to not speak to/see my DC every day if I was in his position, I’d also not be pushing for something that has no clear benefit to them, but I WOULD be having regular contact and sticking to it.

And actually if you phone works for what you need it for and a new one would be purely to enable this then I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he buys it.

@Plar That is awful! How ridiculous of him to suggest that knowing the children would obviously miss out on things. I wouldn't want to have to speak to anyone on the phone for 2 hours every day! And I suppose if you said no he would turn around to say you were trying to stop him from being a good dad or something!

Some replies are making me sound like a nasty ex when really the more he speaks or see them the better! I just don’t want to have to jump when he snaps his fingers and I don’t appreciate his cheeky responses when I’m trying to be reasonable and discuss things.

@Plar my blood boiled for you just reading that! What a selfish prick! Please say you’ve since put a stop to it?

Are you certain of his salary OP?

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart - fairly certain. Unless he’s had a pay rise. I know what was on his payslip before he left.

Plar my friend had similar. Her ex would phone and want to know what they were having for dinner, if he didn’t think it was good enough he would tell the DC to tell mummy to make something else. (There is never anything lacking in her dinners! Proper hearty meals every night) he would decide when bedtime was and DC would come off the phone and say “daddy says we have to go to bed now, you keep us up too late”

As long as you’re happy with it OP. Remember that’s the legal minimum. He can pay more.

my dad travelled with work.cant remember a night i didnt speak to him.it makes all the difference.speaker?x

Mediation is a business style meeting to formalise arrangements it's not legally binding but courts expect to see you use it before going into court. The mediator is experienced in family law and is often really good at telling entitled people just how the courts are likely to handle demands. I would start setting some boundaries OP otherwise you're going to find yourself dragged all over the place because he says so

Mediation is definitely something I’m going to look into. Thanks

I know he’s able to pay more because a friend of mine is separated from his wife. Earns less than my ex and pays her £220 per month for 1 child. I just never bothered to argue with him about the money because it’s not worth it with him.

I know the feeling well. I’ve had nothing since November.