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Original poster

Ex partner wants a phone call every night from children

151 replies

DearPru · 29/07/2019 20:17

Split a few months ago from my ex. Children live with me and see him whenever he’s free. He’s been requesting a phone call every night before they go to bed after he gets home from work. I was happy to do this at the beginning as it was all so fresh and I didn’t want to upset the children anymore than possible. But now it’s becoming a bit of a pain as I have a faulty phone which means that if the children call him the phone disconnects when they’re holding the it, so unless I’m physically holding the phone to their ear for however long the chat goes on for, it hangs up and i have to call him back. Apart from that it’s smack bang in the middle of the bedtime routine so as much as I have no issue with the children chatting, I’d rather it didn’t mean i was stuck while the phone call goes on.
I messaged him tonight to explain this and said I don’t mind doing it when it’s a quiet night but if it’s been a hectic day or manic night then I won’t be phoning. His response was ‘I want to speak to them everyday so youll just need to’
Do any other parents who co parent know if a nightly phone call is the norm? Am I being a bad mum by saying it can happen when it’s suitable?

OP posts:
Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 20:54

@banjodancer I did think this myself. If he saw them more often it would be better for both them and him but I think he sees the weekend as his only time off work so if he saw them more than one night he’d had no time to himself.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2019 20:57

if he saw them more than one night he’d had no time to himself.

So being a parent then. I have less sympathy for him wanting to chat with them when he doesn't seem to want to see them very much.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 29/07/2019 20:59

Absolutely not. Oh gosh no. This is dreadfully controlling. Once mid week in between contact is more than sufficient (if required at all!).
Post this in lone parents, you will get far more sensible replies.
This would not be ordered in court. So don't worry about stopping it.
My partner rings his daughter (and likewise her mother rings her) on special occasions only. It is seen as having the right to a private family life. This is overbearing and intrusive, and with more context, quite likely designed as a control (to ensure you are always home with the children).

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hsegfiugseskufh · 29/07/2019 21:00

Once mid week in between contact is more than sufficient (if required at all!)

Would you be happy with that if it were your child i wonder?

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:00

My family have said the same. If your desperate for calls every night you should make the same effort to see them. He picks them up Saturday lunchtime and drops them off Sunday before dinner. I had said it would be good if he could feed them on Sunday evening then I’m just bathing them and dropping them into bed. He agreed but then this weekend showed up with them just after 3pm. I text to say that he has to text when he’s heading back with them so I know I’ll be home. I’m not just sitting at home when they’re not here.

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 29/07/2019 21:01

The parent who doesn’t live with their little children wants to speak to them every day by phone.

I really can’t see a problem with this and if the roles were reversed I’m sure you would want to speak to your kids everyday. Just help the kids to do it. It is called being nice and reasonable on behalf of the kids.

Wildboar · 29/07/2019 21:05

I think you need to get some regular contact time. Do you work? Also I presume your eldest is at school so wouldn’t you like some weekend time too? I would suggest he has them every other weekend Friday night through to a fixed time on Sunday. If there needs to be changes then it’s agreed in advance and if not suitable for one parent then the usual time applies for collect and drop off.

I would add in a mid week contact time if possible such as Wednesday after school until bedtime.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 29/07/2019 21:07

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl if I chose to see them once a week, I expect I would be, yes.

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:07

@wildboar yes I’d love some free time at the weekend but I sort of got adjusted to the fact that as the primary parent here with the kids that I’d be the one left with less free time than him.
I work but only part time. He works until 6pm so it means by the time he’s home it’s passed the kids bedtime so no option of midweek contact.

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 29/07/2019 21:11

The thing that makes me laugh with men like this who use work as an excuse - I'm sitting next to a man who has put his child before absolutely everything else, taken pay cuts to see her. Lost his job to be a significant part of her life. Went back to uni so he could re-train doing something that would enable him to earn more and pay for her better, whilst still allowing him to play a full part of her life.
Men who bleat about woe is me get no shrift here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/07/2019 21:12

The face to face contact is a seperate issue though isnt it? Presumably hed still ring the other 4 nights a week even if he saw them more?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:16

I actually think most single parents would love this

They wouldn’t. I promise you. It’s extremely restrictive and intrusive.

middleeasternpromise · 29/07/2019 21:17

You are still quite early in the split but you do need to think about how this is going to work going forward. The face to face sounds suspiciously like you're ex sees nothing different from the split ie you're on hand to facilitate his relationship with his children. I would get into mediation quickly and start working out a balanced parenting plan - fixing the weekend arrangements so you know where you stand. I wouldn't be facilitating nightly phone calls my ex used to use calls to check up on me very difficult for the kids and as others have said not likely to be court ordered. However you need to consider what presidence you are setting by doing it in the short term.

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:20

What does mediation involve? If visitation agreed on is he not able to change his mind whenever it suits him? is it though a solicitor I get mediation arranged?

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:24

OP is there a time by which you need to start the bedtime routine? so could tell him he can phone every night but you’ll be ending the call at X time to start the bedtime routine.

In your shoes I would tell him to buy a cheapy phone for his contact with DC and that phone calls will be ended by X time each evening.

My ex used to phone to speak to DC when they were small and they used to get bored of it very quickly and wander off yabbering on about something else and leave me talking to him or EX couldn’t make out what they were saying so he would tell them to put me on the phone to translate. I hated it. I split up with him because I didn’t want to have to speak to him! Having to speak to him on then phone whenever he pleased defeats the purpose!

Also he needs to be consistent with his contact. Fancying a night out isn’t a good enough reason to bail on seeing your DC when you only see them once a week.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:27

He works until 6pm so it means by the time he’s home it’s passed the kids bedtime so no option of midweek contact.

SO are you keeping them up out of bed for his phone calls? I wouldn’t facilitate that at all.

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:29

@joxergoestostuttgart - this sounds similar to me. The youngest blabbers and I have to repeat what she’s saying when I hear his responses show he’s not made out a things she’s said.

When its suitable for him to talk to them it’s normally 10 minutes before bedtime so they get off the phone and hop straight into bed.

The night out thing irritates me to or even him messaging to say ‘I’ll have them Sunday overnight instead’ without as much as a discussion is infuriating but I feel there’s nothing I can do about it. If he doesn’t show up to take them then I can’t go to his house and leave them at the door. I think he knows this too so he just does what suits him

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 29/07/2019 21:32

Either you or him buy a cheap phone for the kids to use just to phone their dad. Can pick them up for about £30.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 29/07/2019 21:32

It is not your role to organise his relationship with his children.

He can do proper EOW contact with him picking up Friday and keeping them for a full 48 hours. Midweek every other week too - properly, 24hr contact, so pick up from school/daycare and keep overnight, return to school, be responsible for them that day if they’re sick and can’t go. He can’t use work as an excuse not to see them - you need to work too. He doesn’t have a Special Man Job that can’t be disturbed. And his social life / Me-time is really not important here.

Is he paying maintenance?

If he can’t be bothered to disturb his life to see his kids for a decent amount of time, regularly, on a fixed schedule, then really, he doesn’t care about them enough to need a nightly phone call.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:33

Yes my ex used to do that too. Except he Would lie and say he got called into work. (FB always gave him away)

I eventually refused to make them available outside of the agreed contact times. So if he said “i’ll Have them next weekend instead” I would tell him that didn’t suit and that Dc would see him in another fortnight at agreed contact time.

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:35

He pays £190 per month for both children. I ideally wanted something down that we both agreed to regarding visits but he said i couldn’t force him to agree to anything he didn’t want to.

I did contact a solicitor that I’d used previously during our split to ask about visitation but they never got back to me so I didn’t chase it up.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:35

Can pick them up for about £30.

Can pick them up for £0.01 on carphone warehouse plus a £10 top up.

Original poster
DearPru · 29/07/2019 21:37

How is the relationship now between your ex and the children @JoxerGoesToStuttgart ?

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:40

How is the relationship now between your ex and the children

He walked away from them 2 years ago and we haven’t seen him since. He lives a 5 minute drive away.

FWIW £190 isn’t enough maintenance if he is working full time. It should be around the £250 mark as a minimum. Contact the CMS and put in a claim.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/07/2019 21:42

but he said i couldn’t force him to agree to anything he didn’t want to.

Well then he can’t do even you to agree to anything you don’t want to. Including phonecalls that inconvenience you and keep the DC out of bed. It works both ways.