A long time ago all I wanted was an ickle baby - but now I've got a nearly 6 year old boy, and I need some new parenting techniques: Cod, GDG, Steven Biddulph - anyone with boys please come and advise me

[Anchovy]

I've just come back from a 2 week holiday with DS, and its really brought it home to me how much he has grown up. He's just finished Reception, and will be 6 in October. His recent report was great - he's doing well at school and having fun and has made some good friends friends - so there are no real educational/developmental concerns. He is also a real little poppet (his younger sister is known at home as the Queen of Mean, so it all evens itself out!)

But he's become a boy. He fiddles with everything all the time. He's getting a bit impulsive, and clumsy. He's extremely inquisitive - in a very intelligent but very tiring way. He's very sassy with his responses - sometimes very funnily so, other times borderline inappropriate.

My parenting to date has been focussed on - well, how to clean the umbilical stump and weaning and sleeping through the night and gymboree and potato printing and play doh. I need some new resources...

Anyone want to give me any advice on how to move on to this next stage...?

and anchovy I bet you already have the techniques because they develop without you noticing

listening, discussing

bribes and rewards

strong and firm boundaries

pick your battles

revel in boyishness

repel rudeness

also consider employing specialists eg sports clubs, beavers etc
'boy stuff with boundaries' I have heard it called

Give him a Rubik cube

Hi

I've got 4 boys and have found 'Beyond Toddlerhood' by Dr Christopher Green really helpful. Loads of practical advice and he's got two boys himself.

Don't like Biddulph's stuff, personally.

Had to LOL as your description was my 6 year old to a tee (also ahve 4 and 7.5 year old boys)

Boys need fresh air, lots of food 9healthy food, MuckDonalds's doesnt count LOL) and space to grow into being men. Taht can involve quite a tricky combination of giving them freedom * and curbing excesses,a nd this amkes boundary setting very important

I agree that activities are good- beavers, Badgers (slightly older, st johns ambulance small kids section), sports clubs, whatever- anywhere they get to develop who they are iin an environment where boundaries are fixed and have good reasons.

DS2 does tend towards the inappropriate comments at the moment, I find 'saying that hurts feeling because...' usually prevents a recurrence, although we have iossues over blame (today is an example: ds2 breaks ds3's toy. I see him. he runs off. He trips. Mum you hurt me becuase you caught me- er no dear, you caused me to catch you because you destroyed ds3's toy).

Role models are also important, decent caring compassionate people theyca n look up to and don't seem to girly (which sadly is still a swearword for most 6 year old boys)

A lot of it is about letting them find themselves now, giving them chances to explore that and yes, take consequences when needed.

• may well be true of 6 year old girls as well, how would I know? LOL

Ah, yes, Bubble - had forgotten that you were another one over-flowing with boys.

Is Christopher Green the same one who wrote "Toddler Taming"? I'll take a look.

Skim read the first chapter of the Sreven Biddulph book yesterday (birth present; unopened!) and it seemed to say that this was the time when fathers became very important and needed to be very involved with lots of projects. I liked the sound of that!

Peachy, that is all really helpful/interesting.

I think one thing I've noticed is that I probably cossett Ds a bit more than I should - partly because he is my PFB, partly because we live in London, partly because I lump him and his younger sister together and partly because I am a control freak! One thing I need to do, I think, is stop treating him and his younger sister exactly the same.

Anchovy -would love to know how you got past the fiddling with his 'willy' then!

I would love my ds to fiddle with his hair, foot etc.

We make sure our ds has exercise everyday and this helps to calm him ( he's not 6 though 3.4 but very boyish) bike rides, long walks, he swims 3 times a week and is going to start fun with tennis in sept (NOT TO BE PUSHY but to wear him out!)

He has plenty of daddy time rolling on the floor grrring at each other (I'm 26 weeks prgt so can't do that myself!) Give him responsiblities our ds gets the bowls out at breakfast and put them on the sink when finished your ds could do a bit more...

Lots of talking (and listening) about feelings and how others feel when you are over the top and agressive (not saying your ds is at all)

We live in a street of boys so he is out a lot with them (we seem to be breeding our own marauding gang as my dh pointed out!)

Team games very good -football rugby at weekends.

..and a good all round acceptence that he is a boy, will fiddle, smell, be energetic and agressive but be the most lovely and fun person you could meet.

Hope some of that helps

Anchovy I was just about to say that about this age that your ds is coming to being mentioned by Biddulph as the time when dad, or male role models, become much more important.

I think it's about handing them over a bit; to dad, to clubs and activities. It's about not thinking you can meet all their needs yourself, or at home, like you can when they're toddlers.

I agree with keeping up the communication with him particularly about feelings etc. Important that you bring up a boy who can TALK! At least until they're teenage.

Oh and I think you have to accept that boys want to fiddle with things, and probably break them. Gulp. You'll probably only go mad if you try and stop that happening!

oooh and we don't push the 'arty, crafty' stuff (though god knows I tried!) as he really does not like it!! IN fact he see colouring in as a form of punishment...

When the boys fiddle, we both say in a clear but faintly disinterested tone 'I'd rather you only did that in private thank you very much', and then just move on to something else. Seems to work so far.

I think you're right anchovy. It will be time to stop thinking of them as 'the kids' and treat ds in a more grown up way. I remember noticing that my brother and my mum had much more 'grown up' discussions than I did with her, when my bro was about this age. She spoke to him that way and he responded.

DS1 loves the arty stuff, I think perhaps 9and something I ahve to pinch myself and remember) that as much as they are boys, future men etc, they are individuals too.

I agree with the treating them as an individual. My ds hates the arty stuff whereas my friends son loves it. My ds was moving furniture around his room (at 2.6+) in order to climb on the shelves, her's was staying in bed until she came into the room.

My brother is 35 and still fiddles with his hair whilst reading the paper with his foot jiggling. Drives my dad nuts!

Agree with the advice about giving them things they can fiddle with, with impunity. Like a Rubiks cube, old cardboard boxes, sticks in mud. We took an old broken radio to bits and asked DS to try to put it bck together again -- he enjoyed trying, anyway!

The impulsiveness is so very common among boys at this age, I'm lucky that DS isn't like that, but I don't know what the the solution is, either. Maybe you should Start a thread about that alone!

Not all boys should be tired out everyday, have to manage DS (now 7) quite carefully or he gets too tired very easily, and that creates its own problems.

Have to say, if the worst you have to deal with is some impulsiveness, fiddling and a little bit of sass, sounds like you're doing a great job.

"It's about not thinking you can meet all their needs yourself, or at home, like you can when they're toddlers." Yes, I like that - I think that's really true: thanks HG.

Also agree re accepting that things are going to get fiddled with (eeek!) Ds is insatiably curious (as his report said: "Ds has a lot of very interesting thoughts and questions about the world around him and is enthusiastic about sharing them with the class" )and almost can't help himself touching and opening things. I love the idea of an old radio or similar for him to play with - he is very good with and very absorbed by lego.

We are buying him a bike this weekend (he currently has a tag along) and DH has told him that learning to ride it is their project for the summer.

The bike sounds a great idea especially if it ds + dh's project.

I'm going to try the 'go fiddle in private' thing

Glad it was helpful anchovy. I think the bike thing sounds GREAT.

My ds is a year younger but I occasionally see fleeting flashes of what's coming...it's so weird, this changing from an overgrown toddler to a BOY....weird but exciting.

I think (not so) small boys just need an amazing amount of space in order to dilute the clumsiness / fiddling / fidgeting - and since it never stops raining ATM they need good waterproofs so that you can chuck them outside when they are doing your head in!!

Agree with that squiggle

One of the reasons we took up camping, besides its good and uses their byish skills if they ahev to invent stuff to do outside (bugs, sticks, mud) rather than watch TV.

Agree re need for space - I think that may be why DS has suddenly started seeming a bit clumsy. He really isn't - he is actually quite precise but suddenly there seems to be a lot of him!

tis a gangly growth-spurty age as well - they just get used to running, climbing etc then sudenly they shoot up 3in and their centre of gravity etc is way out and they fall over all the time...

Are you me Anchovy????

DS (PFB AND ONLY) will be 6 on Sunday - and is getting SO grown up. Is a real daddy's boy which is lovely. Fiddles with everything, touches everything. Getting cheeky - but funny with it so gets away with it!

Must hunt out my Buddulph book - unread so far!

Mine loves football and DH takes him every Saturday and he will start tennis in September.

Has just gotten interested in colouring - but only when he wants to.

Have just been to Ikea and Tesco with him today. He was very good and got a reward of MacD's for lunch and they proceeded to "be" a Jedi warrior all around Tescos.

But he still had a lovely long cuddle in bed with me this morning!

And KewCumber - I thought that too yesterday. At least it seems like only yesterday we were at that stage.

Must go - he "NEEEEEDS" me for some lego assistance.

Oh - a bonus of having a boy (am from a family of girls) - I have discovered I really enjoy making Lego things that come with instructions!

Great thread. I can see my almost six year old in some of these descriptions.

The space issue is important, I think, and schools seem to be picking up on this as well.

Does your DS do anything outside of school, Anchovy?