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Original poster

Becoming a stay at home mum - what do I need to think about?

117 replies

H007 · 10/02/2019 09:16

I am shortly to become a stay at home mum after working part-time since DD1 arrived (7 years), since then we’ve had DD2 who is 2 next month so I’ve been a working parent for a while. Changes in the demands in my partners job means that it would be really difficult for me to keep working in my job. My question is... is there anything I need to consider before jumping into this? What do other SAHM’s do about pensions etc?

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CountessVonBoobs · 10/02/2019 09:17

You say partner - are you married?

OhHolyJesus · 10/02/2019 09:29

This is an interesting question, one I wished I had asked! I'm back at work now but looking back I would have considered or done some of the following earlier :
Joint bank account
Considered pension and personal savings
How much monthly spend was and where savings could be made
Agree who was paying for what- what does your partner expect of you or are they paying for everything
Worked out my 'worth' in mummy calculator
Looked at courses to do whilst being a SAHP so to keep in touch and up to date with the industry I'm in
Consider what types of roles PT or otherwise I would do once childcare hours kicked in at 2/3 y o (even volunteering)
Made an agreement about free time, making sure I got the same as him

Overall for me it worked out fine, 3 years off and got a local PT job I love but it made a bigger impact/power shift in my marriage than I was expecting and I want to be clear that it was 100% my choice, DH was and is very supportive and it was 100% my choice to return to work. I have no regrets.

Wallywobbles · 10/02/2019 09:30

Think about how you are going to keep you hand in so that you can go back to work, make sure you keep up pension contributions. Before you jump into this please do some pension calculations. Do you have a career - will you be able to go back to it? If your DP decides to up and off what actual protection have you got, because if you're not married its a very dangerous path to tread.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Wallywobbles · 10/02/2019 09:31

Its also potentially very isolating, and can really limit what you can talk about. Not my first choice.

TheJobNeverEnded · 10/02/2019 09:35

Attitudes to money is the main one and then attitudes toward your new role.

As you have a baby at home you need to have an agreement in place about responsibilities when your partner comes home from work. ie does he think you will just be doing nothing all day and therefore can do all housework/cooking/cleaning and have his dinner on the table when he comes in.

As you are unmarried, what is the situation with the house you are in? Owned/rented?

Joint account from which you can spend money rather than going to him to ask for money.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade.

TheJobNeverEnded · 10/02/2019 09:36

There is also a SAHP thread under being a parent too.

TeddyIsaHe · 10/02/2019 09:37

Are you married? Because if not, giving up your job with absolutely no legal protection should you ever split is an absolutely terrible idea. Speaking from experience!

Original poster
H007 · 10/02/2019 09:39

No we are not married.

Yes I have a career, but the main issue is with the changes he is undertaking he will be working away from home Monday-Friday this is for 5-7 years. This will make it difficult for me to return to work as the days I currently work I leave at 5.30am and do not return until 8pm with the travel and traffic. It isn’t a job I could do nearer to home really. We could move, but all our family live in nearby towns/villages.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 10/02/2019 09:40

I’ve worked very part time for a few years but basically been a sahm. Unless your work/life balance is totally unbearable or your partner is happy for you to continue as a sahm indefinitely I just wouldn’t do it. I’m finding it really difficult/stressful to get back to more work. I don’t think the economy is particularly improving so I doubt it will get any easier.

Didiusfalco · 10/02/2019 09:40

Maybe the changes he is undertaking aren’t okay/don’t work for your family then?

Original poster
H007 · 10/02/2019 09:43

We have a joint bank account and separate bank accounts he will transfer what I use to get paid minus childcare into my account and use of the joint account will continue as is.

We own our home.

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 10/02/2019 09:43

If you're not married, don't do it... even if you are, think very hard about it.

titchy · 10/02/2019 09:43

If you're going to do it get married. If you don't you could find yourself homeless with two kids and no career to fall back on.

I can't believe there isn't a middle ground though, or that him working away from home is fair. It isn't.

CountessVonBoobs · 10/02/2019 09:49

It really doesn't sound like him working away will be workable for your family, then, unless a) he's literally doubling his already high salary and b) you were looking for an excuse to give up work anyway.

Honestly, women who do well in long days in a career oriented job do not tend to be natural SAHMs. And as PPs have said, the scenario where the woman quits work to enable the man taking a promotion/more demanding job tends to create a massive all pervasive shift in the power balance, and not in your favour.

I've lost count of the posts on here from miserable women with kids trapped in awful relationships which include the line "and I can't leave, because I'm a SAHM, I have no money and my job prospects are totally fucked".

Think very very very hard, then think again, then get married, then think some more.

Helpmedecide123 · 10/02/2019 09:53

You are making yourself incredibly vulnerable, OP. What's your contingency plan for:

  • your relationship ending
  • your partner becoming ill and unable to work, or even worse, dying
  • funding your retirement

There are no definites in life and you would be wise to think carefully about how you would provide for yourself and your children if the shit hit the fan.

Do you spend a lot of time with family during the week?

Original poster
H007 · 10/02/2019 09:56

His change in work requirements is what is best for our family in the long run, he has a far better earning potential in his career than I would have in my career and his company have ensured that we as a family are no worse off financially.

My post was to enquire whether there was anything I needed to consider regarding pensions etc. Things I may not have thought about.

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 10/02/2019 09:56

Are you happy with putting your career on hold to facilitate his? Is your DP aware of what he is asking you to do? What will happen to your career prospects if you spend 5-7 yrs out - the level that you would re-enter would likely be lower than where you are now!

That you are unmarried leaves you vastly exposed. Let alone the power imbalance around money, household management and bringing up children that will inevitably play out in your relationship.

I wouldn't do this without a plan b for my career- working from home, study path, building your own business...
And if you're not planning marriage have some kind of pension, voluntary NI and savings contribution in place.

Does it work for your family if he takes this job - maybe it's just not the right time.

RJnomore1 · 10/02/2019 09:57

You really really shouldn't do this without being married.

Things to consider:
Pension
Disposable income
Loss of career prospects
Long term impact on family finance from your reduced earning potential
Lack of adult and professional contact
Lack of structure to your day (this would kill me personally)
The way others will view and treat you (is your self esteem robust to cope with out your professional identity)
How to ensure you are engaged outwith your children so as not to emotionally burden them
Financial security should your partner leave or die

Auntiepatricia · 10/02/2019 09:59

You’re leaving yourself completely vulnerable to your DHs whims and goodwill for the rest of your life. I certainly wouldn’t do that without being married.

Original poster
H007 · 10/02/2019 10:01

@helpmedecide123 I realise I am making myself vulnerable at the moment but I am thinking about the longer term future.

In answer to your questions;

  1. There would be no difference here than what would occur as it currently stands. Even if we spilt up now I would have to quit my job and find something nearer to home, or move away from my support network.
  2. He has insurance for this and I am the benefactor.
  3. This is why I started the thread to find out more about what other SAHM’s are doing to find their retirement.

Yes I see my family regularly almost daily.

OP posts:
DonnaDarko · 10/02/2019 10:03

I don't think you should do it without being married. You will be far less secure. I know everyone wants to believe that they will be with their partner forever, but you have to protect yourself.

DP and I have been together for 4 years, and we have a two year old. As much as I love him and imagine us being together until we're old and grey, I won't give up my job for him. I've gotten a new job which will benefit us as it makes things more flexible, but I wouldn't have done it if their hadnt been obvious benefits to me too (yes, I am a little selfish).

I echo over posters on here that you should think about how you will get back into the job market. It can be quite competitive out there so you should think about ways to continue develop your skills - training , volunteering or advisory work could be done on a part time basis, and some of it from home. I've known well qualified people to struggle to get back into the job market after only a little time out.

dietcokemegafan · 10/02/2019 10:05

Don't do this unmarried.

CountessVonBoobs · 10/02/2019 10:06

Even if we spilt up now I would have to quit my job and find something nearer to home, or move away from my support network.

But you would be doing so from the position of being currently employed, which always makes you more attractive to employers, and having a track record of up to date skills. Having to find a job with a career break of several years to negotiate is a different ball game altogether.

People are not saying definitely don't do it. They are telling you the risks honestly. And if your partner is expecting you to do this, he should realise that he is asking you to make a huge sacrifice and that he consequently needs to make a serious commitment to supporting you long term and taking responsibility for you. The best, simplest and most foolproof way he can do this is to marry you. It should be the least he can do.

CountessVonBoobs · 10/02/2019 10:07

And he should pay into a pension in your name as well.

Cheesycheesytwist · 10/02/2019 10:15

I'm a sahm (by choice, left a professional career and not looked back) and this is what I can think of off the top of my head:

  1. Get married
  2. Ensure your pension contributions continue at the same level as they did when you were working (or even better, at a level that matches his)
  3. Get excellent life/critical illness cover
  4. Joint account with full access to finances and totally equal money each month
  5. Discuss how it will work with down time, eg when he's home things should be 50/50
  6. Make sure being a sahm is what suits YOU, if you won't be happy he doesn't take the job, end of story. You don't have to sacrifice your career unless it's what you want. This is a joint decision
  7. GET MARRIED (please please please don't even contemplate stopping work if you're not married)