Becoming a stay at home mum - what do I need to think about?

[H007]

I am shortly to become a stay at home mum after working part-time since DD1 arrived (7 years), since then we’ve had DD2 who is 2 next month so I’ve been a working parent for a while. Changes in the demands in my partners job means that it would be really difficult for me to keep working in my job. My question is... is there anything I need to consider before jumping into this? What do other SAHM’s do about pensions etc?

@wombatchocolate we’ve discussed most of that. As I’ve previous said I’ve told him we need to get married and he said okay.

@Mookatron thank you for that, that was
the type of info I was looking for especially about the child benefit I will look into that!

@goldengummy that’s how much less he will be taking home from what we are both taking home now. 5/7 years his how long this current role is. I plan on being a SAHM until DD2 goes to school than look for something part-time and local. I plan on using this time to slightly retrain to allow for more flexibility in the location that I work.

Great that the marriage part is sorted then!

Look at it this way. Right now everything is great in your relationship. But when you plan ahead for anything, you need more than a Plan A. You also need to look at worst case scenarios.

So at the moment, were you to find he was cheating, you could afford to leave. That's what you need to maintain, because if you can't choose to leave, you have no choice about staying. There's a reason why so many women who have no income get stuck in unhappy marriages. Not that yours will become that, but by giving up work, even married, you severely limit your future earning potential.

So do whatever you need to to ensure you will always have the choice to leave, if the need were to arise.

@RJ not really when comparing to how it planned out with DD1 because if I continued to work we would still have childcare costs for both children before and after school. Currently OH works full time in 4 days and the other day we have a nanny. He wouldn’t be able to do this and we would need childcare for both days until 3 then pre and post school/nursery. In addition his wage will increase each year he is in this role.

Yet another voice saying don't do it unless you are married.

TBH I don't think your DP should change his job this way, if he's going to be away a lot that's going to have a massive impact on his relationship with his kids.

It's also putting massive pressure on you to put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position. If he wants to work away from home so much, it should be incumbent on him to cover the costs of the additional childcare so you can continue in your career. He should not expect you to change your life to facilitate him.

I think you both need to think about what is important and either moving to be closer to where you both work OR both getting jobs closer to where you live. No-one should be forcing the other into being an effectively single parent without a job.

I wouldn't worry about being isolated OP, I have a far far busier social life now I'm a sahm than I did when I worked. I meet friends almost daily

@soaring that’s why I want to keep money in my personal bank account and have a joint bank account too.

@Count he will actually see DD1 more this way as currently he works late anyway and the quality of the time he spends with them will be better.

I'm a sahm/housewife of 30 years and my advice is:

make sure you are covered if you divorce.
Pension provision is important, it doesn't have to be a pension scheme though, mine is in property as less risky.
You don't need to be married as long as you are covered.
Joint bank account and one of your own, access to all money.
You can find a job after being unemployed for many years, don't listen to those who say you can't. Of course they won't be high paid career jobs but lots out there.

SAHP was an excellent thing for my family. Enjoy it OP, if that's what you decide. However as others have said, go in with your eyes open. You need:

• Marriage (do it before you hand your notice in, not after)
• Life insurance
• Keep up to date with pension payments
• Joint account, joint money everything shared
• Be realistic that this could well mean the end of your current career

It sounds like he has not given much thought to how vulnerable this situation might make you.

When does the new job start? When would you be likely to become a SAHP? When are you likely to get married?

I'd just say all of these things are clearly connected with each other and should tie up with each other. They are all decisions which needs to be made at the same time, and one shouldn't be a response to the other, but the family situation seen holistically.

Lots of career women become SAHP quite happily. They have a great time and lots are so glad they had that time. They are usually those who have financial and practical security behind them and strong relationships where decisions have been made jointly at every level. They are also often those who expect to return to work with a less high powered career (not always but often). Bearing in mind you already work part-time, perhaps the shift in both home time and also career isn't so significant.

You will be able to return to work if you want to, as long as you are realistic about needing to use childcare etc in future. Most people don't want to or need to get to the top of their game.

I have had 15 years at home with the kids, and not regretted it at all. Husband worked away often, three years with Monday to Friday, and tbh that was the best time. Lots of time with the girls, then at the weekend, lots of quality family time with no pressures of having to do shopping or washing or cleaning, just having fun.

Don't really qualify as a SAHP now, as older DD now left home, and younger doing GCSE's. However, still do a school run, don't shoot me, there are very good reasons for this, and still support DD2 in various ways, again for reasons. So, glad I am still able to commit to her 100% when she needs it.

Now out the other end, and supporting aged DM, almost another full time job, and doing various charity work......

Am married, no pension, but lots of joint savings, life insurance, joint ownership of everything and anything. I control all the finance .

Can I ask why people are saying they need to be married?
i've known married women be badly off just the same when divorcing.
If you are financially covered what difference does it make?

OP, I think you are thinking carefully about this which is a good thing.

I am the main earner in our house, DH Is the SAHP. He says that whilst he wouldn’t have swapped it for the world, it is isolating, and now the DC are in school he is struggling to restart his career. Retraining will cost a bloody

I think for you a good place to start would be to browse some of the relationships threads here, get a feel for the curveballs life throws at you, and ask.. ‚‘how are we prepared for this situation‘

I think those on here cautioning you against it are thinking of the possibilities that your DH will at some point change and disengage from you, or family life.

The OP on this thread deals with it admirably because she had a back up plan all along

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3503786-Think-I-ve-had-enough

She remained in the workforce, all we are saying is if you cut that option off, make sure you STILL have the option to get out of the relationship ther DOESNT rely on your DP cooperating with you. That’s the worst case you need to plan for.

Can I ask why people are saying they need to be married

If they split, OP currently has no claim to her boyfriend’s pension and she would not be taken in to account for any financial settlement- he’d just have to pay maintenance for the children.

Additionally, if anything happened to him, she does not have an automatic claim to his life assurance/death in service benefit nor inheritance. Her boyfriend may currently have a will to show she gets everything, but he can change it at any time without telling her.

Be careful what message you're sending your DD by quitting work. My well-off friend is a long term SAHM and her teenage daughter is now choosing options with a view to what career she might want in the future. She seems baffled by the very thought.

just

Thank you, I always wondered why people said this, I presumed that if everything was financially secure there were no problems, and if named on the mortgage would get 50/50 of everything.

RomanQueen1

If you’re married it doesn’t mean you’re set financially, but it does mean that you are entitled to a share of the marital assets that the court considers fair. If there are zero assets, then you’re not going to be better off. If there are assets like equity in a house, pensions and future earnings then the court will split them.

A lower earning spouse may receive more than half the equity in the family home, a portion of their spouse’s pension, spousal maintenance ( separate from any child maintenance) for a few years, child support and any state benefits they’re entitled to.A lower earning partner will receive child support and then any state benefits they’re entitled to. When the youngest child hits 18 that stops.

Thanks for that. We are married and I've always protected myself for any eventuality but it wasn't in the conventional way of pension, but property in my name.
We were both on the mortgage too.
No life insurance but ok in the event of illness or death.
I suppose there are various ways we can protect ourselves and we should make sure we are covered whatever the eventuality.

CPtart, are you seriously telling me your friend does not expect her daughter to choose a career because she is a SAHP ??!
I find that hard to believe. Surely it’s every child’s right to choose what they want to do with their life?
If my children are happy and healthy and doing what feels right for them then I’m happy. End of.

What I'm saying is the daughter finds it hard to comprehend she will ever be expected to work for very long. The thought of a career or of juggling work and motherhood is a mystery to her. She has never known her mother, her role model, be anything else but a SAHP and have her at her beck and call all her 14 years.

Get married op , coats around £100.

I left a very well paid job to be a sahm. The difference was I am married. We have a single joint account used for everything and each year my husband set up Ida's for each of us. Everything was equal apart from his pension, however I was aware that if we split I could claim half of this. It has worked really well. We are a team.
I have since gone back to work part time but don't regret the time with my children and don't think about the career I could have had. Everyone is different. Do what works for you as a family but do think about the security of marriage, if it's something you were planning in future anyway.

cptart

I think that is unusual and might be the way the child was raised. Although, many kids aren't sure when it comes to options.
I've raised 3 dc as a sahm and all three have a good work ethic and mostly known what they wanted to do.
My dd has no intention of being a parent let alone a sahm, so I don't think OP needs to worry about messages given to kids.

My parents had a very traditional division of tasks. What it taught me was that it was a lot more interesting and rewarding to work OTH.

@ctpartapp are you actually suggesting that SAHM’s are a bad influence to their daughters come on this is 2019. I would suggest that what we are showing our children is that sometimes you need to make sacrifices for a family once you have children, and that we want one of us to care for our children rather than consistently relying on other people to care and raise them. We are also showing them that work hard and you’ll have the opportunity to choose whether you wish to be a SAHM or work rather than have that decision forced upon you.