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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Becoming a stay at home mum - what do I need to think about?

117 replies

H007 · 10/02/2019 09:16

I am shortly to become a stay at home mum after working part-time since DD1 arrived (7 years), since then we’ve had DD2 who is 2 next month so I’ve been a working parent for a while. Changes in the demands in my partners job means that it would be really difficult for me to keep working in my job. My question is... is there anything I need to consider before jumping into this? What do other SAHM’s do about pensions etc?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Sonicknuckles · 10/02/2019 18:46

Hear hear OP.

RJnomore1 · 10/02/2019 19:41

I don't get the logic of that last sentence.

Many women work hard and either cant work because they genuinely can't afford childcare or have to because they can't afford not to work.

Being a sahp through choice is a luxury and partly (mostly) to do with the usually sheer luck of choosing a partner who can afford to maintain two adults on their salary.

I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but it sounds like you're suggesting those who don't have that choice just haven't worked hard enough.

titchy · 10/02/2019 19:45

I would suggest that what we are showing our children is that sometimes you need to make sacrifices for a family

It's always the mum that makes the sacrifices though isn't it?

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Mookatron · 10/02/2019 20:01

You would never say choosing to work and have children is a luxury, if you had the choice and yet it's exactly the same type of choice.

As for 'sending messages' to your children, sending the message that you prioritise them over work is as valid as modelling life as a working parent. Agreed, it's more often women who SAH, but that is not a given and that is changing.

Original poster

H007 · 10/02/2019 20:39

@titchy more often than not... but I suppose that is a result of living in a patriarchal society where generally men have a much higher earning potential than women.

OP posts:

Original poster

H007 · 10/02/2019 20:41

@RJ not at all. But I certainly do not believe that being a SAHM is being a bad role model for your DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

H007 · 10/02/2019 20:44

@Mookatron I always felt that being able to work part-time and have children was a luxury a luxury based on my work paying well enough and being flexible enough for it to work for us. I imagine for some people being able to work and have children is a luxury as is staying at home for others.

OP posts:

RomanyQueen1 · 10/02/2019 20:50

OP, I agree with most of what you have said except for the term sacrifice.
I haven't sacrificed anything, but I did decide to give up a brilliant career, everything I'd worked for, for years, because I wanted to. I was luckily we had discussed this so many times and dh was as much for it as I was.
There was no sacrifice and I'd hate my kids to feel like I'd sacrificed a different life, that makes it sound better and it wasn't.

People should do what is right for themselves first and their partner, as long as you agree and are on the same page, its FA to do with anyone else.
Some people think I'm a fool, but I wouldn't want their lives, so I don't care.

InDubiousBattle · 10/02/2019 21:15

I've been a SAHM for just over 5 years op and it's been a wonderful, valuable experience for me. Dp and I are getting married because it's cheap and easy. You'll want to shop a round for life insurance but it's relatively inexpensive and wrt pensions, I was self employed so didn't have to give up a scheme and start afresh. I n my experience mn is pretty hostile towards SAHMs, there's often some good advice in the mix but often a vibe that it's only something done by fools. I've had some negative reactions irl too (probably the only negative for me) but the positives for our family have been huge.

Springwalk · 10/02/2019 21:26

I second getting married too, you need some protection, you could be left destitute with your dc. Hard to imagine now, but not impossible.

In terms of SAHM experience it is pretty amazing spending time with your lo. You will enjoy creating memories for them, weaving a special childhood that will be treasured. Join clubs and make some grest friends, this is key to getting the most out of it.

Keep up your own hobbies, free time and dinners out with friends.

Being free of work can be very very liberating. You can write a book, travel or follow your dreams. It is a privilege obviously, but make sure you are protected

cptartapp · 11/02/2019 07:18

No OP I'm not saying SAHP are a bad influence at all.
I'm just saying the knock on effect it's having on the DD of a family I know very well.

cptartapp · 11/02/2019 07:20

Interestingly, the same didn't arise when the older brother chose his options.

Original poster

H007 · 11/02/2019 07:44

So because a teenager is struggling to decide on what options she wishes to do it’s because her mum is a SAHM but because her brother didn’t it’s because his dad worked.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 11/02/2019 08:07

You could be left destitute with your dc

Except that she would have half the house, account in her name and a percentage of her high earners salary as maintenance for the children. Also, she would presumably get another job before actual destitution. The hyperbole around this issue is sometimes just ridiculous on here.

redtulip12 · 11/02/2019 15:22

I completely disagree with this talk about Sahm and dd's.
Both my daughters benefited from having me home with them. They are bright girls doing well at school and with a firm idea of their future careers (medicine). At no point have they mentioned not working in the future etc etc. They were brought up to understand that they were lucky that I was able to stay at home with them. That I had worked hard up until that point and that it was a joint decision for me to become a sahm parent. They now see that I have gone back to work, enjoy working and that the extra money is needed if we want to have nice holidays, pay for them at uni etc.

RomanyQueen1 · 11/02/2019 16:06

Gosh, my dd wouldn't be where she is now had I not been at home. I gave her the best possible childhood I could and for a good 4 years my life revolved around helping her achieve her goals and ambition to follow her dream.
That was far better for her than me working and her going to school and childcare.
She knows she would have struggled without me there to help.

user1474894224 · 11/02/2019 22:43

Hi Unmarried SAHP here. I continued my existing pension. We have life insurance.

I love being at home. I love taking and collecting the kids from school everyday. I love that I can go to assembly/harvest/nativity etc etc with no hassle. I love that kids can do clubs after school.

I do feel like a taxi driver at the moment - as that is the life stage we are currently at. Baby groups were far more social than just dropping and collecting kids.

I love that I can volunteer at clubs/school etc

I love that the kids get a meal at a decent time that I can eat with them (clubs etc allowing).

I do get lonely sometimes. It's important to make time for you. And not to feel guilty making that time - whether that's gym during the day, an evening class, or I like to have a day out occasionally without the family.

Cherish the time, as it won't be forever. I do realise that I am my kids are lucky we can have this. Don't listen to the mumsnet voices of doom who always say you and DP will split up and you'll be destitute. (I do do some work from home in my old field. As and when it suits me......It keeps my hand in and keeps my CV up to date.) We are about to get married - but has nothing to do with these posts. We are just ready now to do it.

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