Becoming a stay at home mum - what do I need to think about?

[H007]

I am shortly to become a stay at home mum after working part-time since DD1 arrived (7 years), since then we’ve had DD2 who is 2 next month so I’ve been a working parent for a while. Changes in the demands in my partners job means that it would be really difficult for me to keep working in my job. My question is... is there anything I need to consider before jumping into this? What do other SAHM’s do about pensions etc?

The "I'd be in the same position if we were/weren't married" is just NOT true!!

@countessvonboobs

We are planning on paying into a pension fund for me, however I just wanted to know what other SAHM were doing regarding their pensions. For example what companies they were using etc.

I’m not saying I’m going to not do anything while I’m being a SAHM I’m probably going to use the opportunity to consider a career change. But the situation above occurred I wouldn’t be looking for a comparative job to the one I have now as it’s not something that is available in my local area.

I get the whole marriage thing and the points people are making, and that they are honest opinions.

@cheesycheesytwist the comment was about whether I was in work or not. As I work so far from home if we spilt I would probably have to quit my job.

Good luck OP - you've had good advice on here but it doesn't sound like your listening to it.

Get married (even if it's a trip to the local registry office) - you're leaving yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position otherwise.

what I use to get paid minus childcare

What is the thinking that childcare should be taken off your salary?

As the financially weaker partner it is absolutely in your interest to get married and not in his interest to do so.

As someone who resisted marriage in principle for years , I strongly encourage you both to arrange a civil ceremony. No fuss, no bother but get both of you to sign on the public record that you are now a unit for property and financial purposes.

If you really don't want to that, do a power of attorney for each other. Marriage much simpler.

s company have ensured that we as a family are no worse off financially.

That sounds good, but again I wonder why you are having childcare knocked off your former salary and how much you are paying into your own independent pension to replace the employers contribution and savings?

Good that you are thinking things through, now is very much the time to line things up to suit you.

I would also think and get agreed as s PP has said how to ring fence your own time. When he acts as sole parent, to keep him in touch with what your life is like. I work full time, in groups the dominant tone is often luck her at home all day, in private people talk ruefully about coming into work (albeit high stress technology roles ) for some peace.

If you can get everything agreed up front (and I would encourage you to arrange three monthly review to see how it's working out and make any tweaks necessary ) it can be great. Treat it like a project which demands resources to deliver to any objective rather than domesticity where the mothers demands often come at the bottom of the heap where people do often mothers are expected and valued for sacrifices

OP,

Here’s my advice( SAHM) for a long time.

1. First and foremost, ENJOY the time you have with your family. Not everyone gets to experience it and it really is a privilege.

2. Don’t lose sight of who you are along the way.

3. If you have a DH it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about expectations.
   Eg, My husband and I share all responsibilities equally when he comes home from work. He has high standards at work and so do I !
   My DH provides well for his family and so do I. He comes home to a well organised, calm environment every day. We work together as a team.

4. Find joy in what you are doing. So important.

5. Stay connected to people. Isolation doesn’t help anyone.

6. Finance - work out what’s acceptable to you. My DH and I share everything 50:50. Neither one of us feels entitled to more than the other.

Judgements- Be prepared to come up against a LOT of judgement from people. More importantly though take absolutely NO notice of it. It’s nobody’s business how you live your life.

Sick days- I’ve always loved the days when my children are sick and I am there to look after them. There’s something so comforting about it. I remember being sent to school ill as a child because my parents had to work. It was awful.
My DH also appreciates being able to go to work without stress on these days too.

Look after yourself aswell . Much the same as any job it has it’s ups and downs.
Overall,I wouldn’t change any of it. Good luck 👍

@teaandcrisps what am I not listening too?
I’ve listened to everything. I can’t make the decision on getting married in isolation.

Having read the advice, are you going to get married?

@finallyathome that is very much our mentally that it’s a trial period and reassess.

The pension thing is what I was hoping to find out more about by posting this. I would need to set up a new pension, the one I currently have will be put on hold.

Financially I don’t think I explained it right we will be in the same position minus what we currently pay for child care which is fine as we won’t have childcare fees. He will pay into my account what I currently have for my personal spending and food which is the same as we have now. So in terms of how much money I have in my account it will be the same near enough and he will have no control over that.

Can you not find a different job? One that doesn't take you out of the house from 5.30am until 8pm?
You will be so lonely with no job to go to and no partner to come home in the evening. My sister is in this position and said it's the worst mistake she's ever made.

@joysandsorrows thank you. Can I ask what do you do about pensions?

He can’t make the decision to take this job in isolation.

The best way to protect yourself is through marriage. You’re making a big sacrifice by offering to give up work, viewing it as what’s best form your family in the long term. Is it worth it when he won’t commit to there being a long term?

@justhereforthepoostories as far as I’m aware you can’t get married to yourself therefore it needs to be a discussion held with someone else. Someone who doesn’t happen to be in the house right now. It will be a conversation we will have though.

If you’re married, then if you split you can be awarded a % of your husband’s pension, spousal maintenance to cover the transition to returning to work and a higher % of shared assets to offset the difference in your future earning potential.

So shortsighted op. Your youngest will qualify for tree childcare next year, your costs will drop and you will be worse off. I hate this false maths : oh my wage just covers childcare. No it doesn't your family expenses are higher because you both have children that need childcare.

That really can't be a factor.

2 things you haven't covered:
Do you like your current career?
Have you considered live in help?

@pinkhorse two of my best friends are SAHM’s with one of them being in the same situation as me expect her OH is away much more. I don’t think I will get lonely I have lots of friends who work PT also Plus plenty of family. In fact I will be able to help my mum care for my Nan also.

Have you currently got a final salary pension? You won't be able to pay into that anymore and you'll end up paying into a money purchase pension if you take a personal pension etc. That's a big hit potentially.

@RJnomore1 the childcare costs aren’t an issue?

So pay for childcare and go part time? Honestly, giving up a career to enable your partner to opt out of family life by working away constantly is a really bad idea. You have no protection, nothing to fall back on, no pension etc. You’ll have no independence and rely on someone else for money. It’s just not a good idea.

In your shoes OP about a year now - I left a professional career when one of my kids was diagnosed with SEN. A few learnings from my experience:

If your husband is working away for days at a time and you can afford it try to get a babysitter for a few hours a week for yourself - being a SAHM can be a 24/7 relentless job and you need some time just for you - whether it’s to go to the gym, get a haircut or just have an hour where you are answerable to no one. I have this and it was essential for my mental health.

The isolation can be absolutely crushing. Work colleagues may not necessarily be friends but they are adult contact. I found being a SAHM incredibly lonely but made a rule that I was going to try and meet a friend at least once a week. It made a huge difference.

You can be very busy as a SAHM but not necessarily mentally busy. Having come from a professional career where I was dealing with complex issues daily the mental boredom of being at home was very difficult.

I found being financially dependent very hard - my DH is great and there has never ever been any question but that all earnings are joint earnings to be shared by both of us but it made me feel very vulnerable.

On the plus side - it is lovely being around my kids more, especially for that period after school. Working long hours you don’t necessarily get the same insight (depends on the child) so it has been a real privilege to have that.

OK I'm not feeling your listening to just how vulnerable a position your putting yourself in. What company you put your pension into is the least of your worries.

You are currently an unmarried working partner. If u were to split now, you have a job and career - and that gives you choice. Whether it's to go part time or move closer to your job or change jobs.

If you split as an unmarried SAHM having spent years out of the workforce your choices would be far more limited.

If you're not getting how vulnerable this makes you then I guess your DP doesn't get just how much you are giving up. Otherwise he'd be the first one saying we need to get married or have a civil partnership because you are giving up so much for him!

Have you had that conversation with him?

@joysandsorrows

Everything @joys said.

MN tends to be pretty down on SAHM's.

Also I would think carefully about why - having been together several years and with two DC - you aren’t married. Do you object on principle or is one of you just not keen on the idea.

If you are afraid to raise the topic of marriage with your partner now it really is a massive red flag for becoming financially dependent on him. You are not going into this scenario as equals.

MN isn’t down on SAHM mums. It’s just in this case op is giving up so so much for a very bleak outlook if anything at all was to go wrong. And everyone here is just explaining why it would be an awful idea to not protect herself.