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Original poster

To choose not to work after DC? Why?

284 replies

Marghe87 · 25/01/2019 11:27

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

  • giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
  • giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
  • putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
  • stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
  • what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

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Lbwestf123 · 26/01/2019 14:49

Yes because you see everything through the gender ideology lense. Which is why... after multiple answers to your questions you won’t accept it.

And think that insulting PPs is fine because you are obviously morally right about women working.

Artfullydead · 26/01/2019 14:50

I'm not insulting anybody - if people have chosen to take it that way then that's a shame, but it's an important discussion.

It's a gender (or sex) issue. Men don't stop work when they have children, women do. Until that is addressed, it's an issue for women generally.

Lbwestf123 · 26/01/2019 14:52

Why is it an issue if they are choosing to do it?

Do you want to force women to do what you want?

Do you think we should be societally conditioned into doing what you think is morally right?

Interested in this thread?

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cluelessclaudia · 26/01/2019 14:52

But Artfully, I know of many enlightened schools where part time leadership posts are available. Women still don't want them.

Artfullydead · 26/01/2019 14:53

No. You are turning this into a personal attack, which isn't what I am about here.

So a woman wants to stay at home- OK. The man wants to go out and earn the money - OK.

Why do they want that? Why do you think the woman doesn't want to provide for her family, why does the man not want to stay at home with the kids?

Ribbonsonabox · 26/01/2019 14:55

Some people just dont give a shit about getting paid for things. Why would it be a worthwhile career to be a teacher or a carer or a cleaner or a gardener just because you were getting paid for it? Why is it a 'waste of education'to do these things for free for your family if you have the opportunity to?
This thread is distressing. We should be supporting each others choices.
What does alarm me is all the work that is done by women for free being ignored and devalued. Like its worthless because it's not directly bringing in money. I do think this is actually what holds women back. The world seems to want to pretend that things like caring for a house and being there for children dont actually exist or are some sort of half arsed hobby! The upshot of that is that even women I paid employment find themselves expected to do the lions share of domestic organisation within a family without anyone acknowledging that. I dpnt think it's very family ist that we all pretend that to be of any value in this world we have to adopt the lifestyle of your average man and join in pretending that work traditionally done by women is worthless and irrelevant.

augustangst · 26/01/2019 14:55

So she can watch Jeremy Kyle?

Lbwestf123 · 26/01/2019 14:56

Thousands of years of evolution is your answer....

0x00 · 26/01/2019 14:58

Why do they want that? Why do you think the woman doesn't want to provide for her family, why does the man not want to stay at home with the kids?

In my experience it's more like the man wants a bigger salary so he can buy himself a shiny new MacBook/bike/guitar and the women as much as new shiny things are nice is much more interested in having freedom than in having new shiny things. And its not like the man doesn't want freedom and the woman doesn't want a new MacBook, it's just the woman wants freedom more than a MacBook and the man wants a MacBook more than (24/7) freedom.

Ribbonsonabox · 26/01/2019 14:58

What I mean to say is that the general view of being a SAHM meaning you're on the doss or lazy or it's a waste of education is the reason why men dont often do it.... the reason why paid jobs in these areas are paid less than jobs traditionally associated with men... and the reason why when women do want a paid career no acknowledgement is made of the pressure on them along side of that to take care of domestic tasks....

Artfullydead · 26/01/2019 14:59

Evolution goes forwards, not back Grin

Clueless, I don't personally know any but glad to hear it. In any case, we need to go back don't we? Why don't they want it?

In my utopia (ha!) I'm not just talking about schools but about the workplace generally.

Turquoisesea · 26/01/2019 14:59

But I am providing for my family emotionally and by physically being there. Financial contribution is not the only valid contribution when having children & that’s the point you are missing. Having carried a child for 9 months & giving birth to it you are bound to have a more physical need to be near your child when they are little than a man. Why is that so wrong?

Lbwestf123 · 26/01/2019 15:00

Forwards to what?

Your idea of forwards hahaha
Thats so funny

RomanyRoots · 26/01/2019 15:00

Artfully

I know several mums who are HOD, HOY, and SMT in schools.
My dd school has just had a new HT who is male, the previous was female.
The head of my ds primary schools were all female and we moved quite a lot, this was always the case.
There are as many if not more women in these jobs than male.

Some of us don't have to consider working post dc because we just don't want to, out of choice and the backing of our dh.
I didn't consider it for a moment, I too am a feminist and societal expectation was not going to make me continue working, when I didn't want to.

Artfullydead · 26/01/2019 15:00

Exactly Ribbons but that's just the point - if the attitude is that women should do the childcare and housework, even if they work outside the home, then that won't change.

When men have to do it as well, because it's a shared task, it will go up in status.

0x00 · 26/01/2019 15:04

When men have to do it as well, because it's a shared task, it will go up in status.

My husband probably does more of the housework than I do at the moment (which makes me feel bad for him I have to say) because a) two toddlers are exhausting and b) I have 5 projects on the go and alongside 2 toddlers that's like all my waking hours during the week (I'm having a bit of a laze this weekend though - although I am trying to have no zero days in terms of the projects so I need to at least write one line of code today or something! Maybe install ngnix in a jail on my test webserver).

Lbwestf123 · 26/01/2019 15:06

I’m suffering from morning sickness so my other half is doing everything when he gets home from work in the house.

He’s not once mentioned how it’s not his societal role!

0x00 · 26/01/2019 15:09

Literally the only reason I can think of to want a job is for the structure of it that forces you to achieve things where if it's all stuff you set yourself to do it's easy to kind of get lazy or let things slide.

But in reality every single time I have had structure imposed on me in life I have rebelled against it in very silly and self destructive ways, so I need to learn to master my self and not hope that someone else can master me to put me to good use.

Parker231 · 26/01/2019 15:11

The problem lies in schooling - why are girls aiming low and setting for minimum wage jobs in a higher number than boys?

I always wanted to return after maternity leave to my job as an accountant for an international consulting firm. DH is a doctor and has been 100%supportive and we’ve been joint parents at home and picked up the slack when the other couldn’t.

Ribbonsonabox · 26/01/2019 15:11

Artfullydead men wont gave to do it to unless it's actually publicly acknowledged as something important that needs doing! Otherwise they will just ignore it

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/01/2019 15:11

I was a sahm because I was made redundant. Used redundancy to help pay bills etc. Then DS was severely ill, in and out of hospital - had a flexible pt job at the time but almost impossible to do whilst having a sick child wired up to machines and monitors.

You can't lump all sahm in the same boat.

Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 15:35

Of course it’s a personal choice and no one else’s business on an individual level. No one’s trying to tell anyone else what to do. But at the end of the day (a) this is a discussion forum it would be a bit quiet if no one ever expressed an opinion on anything and (b) at a societal level it IS an important debate.

RomanyRoots · 26/01/2019 15:36

My dh has higher standards than me, and although he more than pulls his weight around the home, often does the bits I've missed.
He's at home a lot though as self employed, so we both get the best of both worlds.
There's no way we'd have had the family life we have or the freedom to manage it how we wanted to if both of us worked.
Finances and who earned what didn't really come into it. Dh loves his work, it's not a job and he will never retire. I was a HR tax payer earning more than him, but wanted to be at home for the kids and to give them the opportunities they would have missed.

Artfullydead · 26/01/2019 15:42

They aren't at school parker : the problem is more with university and graduating as far as I can see.

Theunreasonableone · 26/01/2019 15:48

I haven’t RTT because there are loads of replies but one of the most common reasons I have heard from women is that they can’t get flexible or part time working once they have a baby. These are women on average salaries working as teachers, administrators, PAs etc. It’s just not worth them going back to work five days a week and trying to find childcare on an average wage. It’s easier for women to find part time work in a supermarket, with shifts they can fit around their partner or another family member’s work hours. On the flip side if you are a high earner then it’s possible to go back to work full time because childcare is far more affordable.

I’m very fortunate because I work in the Public Sector and was able to go straight back to work in a part-time capacity after ML with my first child. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice working, a salary, pension etc to be a SAHM. And felt it would be even too difficult to get back into work if I took a break to be a SAHM.

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