To choose not to work after DC? Why?

[Marghe87]

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

• giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
• giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
• putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
• stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
• what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

So the way to avoid that Lb is ...

Not really much we can do.
Unless we can find a way for women not to carry children which I suspect a lot of women would not be for (artificial wombs, mainstream surrogacy).

We should celebrate women for their abilities to give birth and appreciate how valuable being a parent is.

women leaving to have children is often a net negative to the company

Exactly why I was sacked when I got pregnant. They were worried I’d need sick leave and time off for appointments, they’d have the hassle and expense of hiring and paying for cover, on my return they’d have to accommodate pumping milk and needing to leave on time and sick days if the kid was poorly, etc. Then when they realised it was illegal to sack me they thought up an official excuse why I was no longer required.

It’s not just women that employers are prejudiced against though. It’s anyone who might need special accommodations that are inconvenient and expensive. Especially if the employer thinks they might become demanding and litigious and “cause trouble”. That can include disabled people or religious employees who want prayer breaks etc.

I think an approach to shared parental care is the most positive and thus with it an approach to shared earning - in other ways that both parents in a partnership see it as their responsibility to provide financially for the child and both see it as a responsibility to care for the child.

Even then... children are pretty much dependent on an adult till they’re 18 some even longer.

But Employers aren’t exactly accommodating to part time workers.

My partner could not work part time. He would not have got the promotion he got if I he had to leave for our son early.

We would be worse if that was the case.

Is it unfair? Yeah but if you work in sales you pretty much have to work as hard as possible.

And it's that which needs to change.

I think an approach to shared parental care is the most positive and thus with it an approach to shared earning

The modern workplace isn’t set up to facilitate that though. All that will happen is neither parent will progress their career because neither will be fully committed to their job and willing to work long hours and go on business trips etc. Progressing shouldn’t require that all-consuming commitment, but it does. If you don’t commit then the promotion will go to the other guy who does.

Exactly. ^^

But things can change, things should change, and if we want equality they will have to change.

We shouldn't just shrug and accept the status quo.

Things won’t change today or tomorrow or next week though. Right now one of us has to work 12 hour days and regular overnight trips while the other does the majority of childcare.

BowBeau

Yes...and also how does it work for all of those people whose partners work long and varied shifts with overtime at short notice, or whose partners are self employed? There's a whole world of work out there that isn't just 9-5 and career driven. It's difficult to share work and childcare if your partner is a plasterer and needs to work long days and take on work as and when it comes.

That's all clean and tidy- and I don't disagree with it - but there are many instances as described above where it doesn't work.

I do know families in which the man is the main carer, too, but they're in the minority. It doesn't really matter who does it but it often works where one parent is more flexible while the other puts more energy into working

Unless the marriage ends, and there's the problem. It also means that childcare and housework are largely seen as women's work.

*But things can change, things should change, and if we want equality they will have to change.

We shouldn't just shrug and accept the status quo.*

We're not shrugging, we're saying that in many cases we actively choose this life.

The marriage might end but parental responsibility does not

I think we have equality in the law.

Men and women are fundamentally different so of course socially and culturally they will behave differently.

We should encourage men and women to break barriers or whatever but I don’t think we need to guilt women into fields they don’t want to work with and not spending time with their children!

Raspberry88
Spot on. Most well paid jobs require flexibility and long hours. Thus only one parent can commit to that. Usually the man - either because the woman has less earning capacity or more innate desire to SAH.

Sigh.

Children don't stay children.

They still have to be raised for 18 years and in order to be good functioning members of society raised well.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought I was negatively impacting my son in what I perceived to be selfish choices.

I think Aunt Lydia put it best when she explained it was preferable to have freedom from, than to have freedom to.

I do know families in which the man is the main carer, too, but they're in the minority

Many men would feel emasculated by not being the breadwinner, and many woman would feel unattracted to a man who wasn’t dominant in their relationship. It’s not PC to admit but loads of women (the majority?) want a man who is stronger, taller and richer.

I recall a study several years ago which concluded that an extra inch in height or an extra $40k salary added the same amount to a man’s attractiveness rating.

Children don't stay children but, arguably, their early years are important so it is vital that each family chooses the set up which works best for them - emotionally, financially, practically.

Most people are already doing that without overthinking gender dynamics or what if's then replan st different stages, if need be

My “success” as a person isn’t dependant on what job I do or how much I earn. I judge success on how happy or contented I am with my life and choices. You asked earlier why my DH has got the better job & earning power, the reason is I was never motivated to have a career and he was. We are both equally intelligent but while he was at university getting qualifications I was travelling round the world because that’s what I wanted to do. Nothing to do with poor little old me not getting my foot on the career ladder, I didn’t want that. Before we had children I always worked, when the DCs were little I was at home & now work part time and will probably go back full time at some point in the future. My DCs are happy and that means more to me then a great career. I don’t feel vulnerable, I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time or my life. I feel like I’ve done a really important job. I actually feel like I’ve had it easier than my DH as he has had the pressure of succeeding in his career, been through redundancy etc so I actually think I’ve had the better deal!

Turquoisesea I definitely understand that. I feel like I have the better end of the stick as a SAHM. I get to stay home with my baby and see his development, I don’t have to do an unpleasant commute, and I don’t feel stressed and don’t have to deal with office politics and being told what to do. Spending these early years with my DC is really important to me and tbh I don’t care how it impacts my long term earning potential, having this time with my DC is my priority.