Feeling so down about age gap - please please help

[munchymoo]

DH and I started ttc number 2 in January this year, sadly I've spent the best part of this year getting pregnant and then miscarrying twice in a row. DS is 2.10 years old, will be 3 in January.

Alongside all the pain and loss of the miscarriages, I have become totally obsessed and depressed about the age gap. I know it shouldn't matter, a healthy child is all that matters, but it's taking over my thoughts and I feel so miserable I want to curl up in a ball most of the time.

If we conceive quickly, and I don't miscarry again, the minimum age gap will be 3.8 years, but is much more likely to be at least 4 years apart. All I can see is the fact that they are too far apart to get on, we'll always struggle to find activities that suit them both, DH and I will have to split to do something with one each, and family life won't gel. As they get older, DS will hit the teenage years and DC2 will be left behind for years.

We never planned a small gap, and I know you can't plan these things (!) but we wanted 3 years, and had I not have miscarried we would have had 2.9 years first, and then 3.3 years gap. Now who knows.

I feel so, so low. Please help.

I’m sorry for your losses OP, but if you think about it, many people have a much bigger gap between their oldest and their youngest child - and most manage to find things to do as a family. Try to stop thinking about ‘minding the gap’ and concentrate on your DS; 3 can be a lovely age!

I'm really sorry for the difficult year you've had and you've done so well to just carry on. I haven't had your experience but I am 4 years younger than me sister and 4 years older than my brother. We all played together growing up and actually the gap was brilliant for my mum is the older one was that bit more mature when the younger was born. She also says she is so pleased she had those gaps because she had a chance to watch each child grow up as the youngest for 4 years and she got to know us (in her eyes) better than if she had much smaller gaps and been distracted by a new baby.

Is there another reason why you might feel just so low about the age gap? Have you seen it not working in other families?

I think this might be transferring the emotions from your losses onto this particular concern and amplifying it out of proportion.

I was 5 years apart from my sister and we got on really well. There are advantages to bigger gaps, like the older one is able to babysit, the younger one has more attention from parents..and eventually it doesn't matter at all. Closer gaps could have disadvantages like more competition between siblings. i don't think you can know in advance. Getting on is more about personality than age.

Have you thought about counselling to deal with the pain of the losses you've gone through?

You poor thing. I have a 5+year age gap between my two and can assure you that it is lovely so far - I'm relishing the baby stuff which some of my friends with a toddler and a newborn didn't have energy for, I have time with the baby while the big one's at school, and I know several sibling groups/pairs with big age gaps who get on really well. Similarly, very happy only children (I am/was one). What you planned hasn't worked out - but whatever turns up may be wonderful.
But that may not really help with your issue right now. You're feeling awful and it sounds like the age gap obsession has become an intrusive thought that won't go away. I get like this over a variety of different things and it's shit. Can you talk to your GP about how you're feeling? x

In my experience 4 years is not a massive gap in practical terms. For the first couple of years you may well have to modify activities (obvs for the newborn stage!) but after a couple of years there will be less need for that I think. Whether siblings are buddies growing up is also, mostly maybe, down to personality/ interests etc. It might be helpful to actively think of the positives to a 'larger-than-you-expected' gap, like extra time and attention spent with each child individually. Sorry if this is not helpful, I've had similar worries in the past. I have a 4 year gap, it's not what I planned but it's worked out fantastically well.

Sorry for your losses.

However, there is no perfect age gap and you are creating problems that don’t exist. Just because there is a bigger age group, doesn’t mean they won’t get on, plus having a closer age group doesn’t Guarantee sibling friendship either.

You will still be able,to,do plenty of activities with them despite a four year gap. Don’t write,off your future - there’s plenty of good family life ahead of,you yet.

4 years between my brother and me-never was an issue growing up tbh! Family stuff was all done together, we played together all the time and we're still close as adults, I really wouldn't worry OP

I will be having my second a month after dad turns four. We planned it that way! There are loads of upsides. I've had plenty of time to focus just on dd and I'll have time alone with the baby when she's at school.

4 years between DH and his brother. They are super close and always played together as kids. DS1 and 2 are 5 years apart (also had MCs). They adore each other and love playing together. Play doh. Trains. Kicking a ball around. DS1 loves doing ‘baby stuff’ with his brother. He reads to him in the morning. DS2 absolutely adores his big brother. Yes, sometimes we have to do things separately but in the grand scheme it has been no problem at all.

I'm sorry for your losses but agree with other posters that there is no perfect age gap. There's 2 years 10 months between DS1 and DS2 and 4 years 7 months between DS2 and DS3 - all 3 squabble with each other, all 3 play together, all 3 love each other. Each son is very different - we manage to find things for all of us to do together as a family despite the 7+ year age gap between DS1 and DS3 and you will too.

And yes DS2 got lots of 1:1 attention when DS1 was in school. Also more importantly, DS1 had his own group of friends so never really felt jealous.

I’m 32 weeks with my planned third and my elder children will be 5 and 3.7. It feels like a good age gap to me! DD2 won’t be far off starting school so I’ll have some time to dedicate to the baby. I had 19 months between my first 2 and I feel far more positive about this gap!

Most of the siblings I know who are two years apart fight like cat and dog and hate each other. Too much rivalry between them.

4 years is a good gap imo

4.5 years between me and my brother and we were best pals right through childhood and our teens. Plus by the time I was 6 I was able to get him up and give him breakfast so my parents got a lie in. 

Their is 3 years between my youngest and middle child and 4 years between my eldest and youngest. We do loads of things together and activities that all the kids love. My eldest will play with his little sister and she follows him around, always has to be sat next to him lol. Don't get me wrong they argue most days too but they do have a special bond.

There*

Age gaps really aren't that big of a deal. We're expecting DD2 in feb and DD1 is just 5 years old.

I hated the idea of having two at home, under 5 years old. The thought was a nightmare! Now, I can have bonding time with baby while DD is at school and she is independent enough not to rely on me all day every day like a baby

Conceiving our second didn't exactly go to plan and we have a 5 year age gap...-honestly it's fine don't stress about it. You will find things to do together, you have lots of time to focus on the baby because the older child is at school so they both gets lots of one on one time, the eldest is more independent so that helps a lot...I am finding now a bit tricky as eldest is 13 and full of attitude and doesn't want to do anything with us but I think that's standard teen behaviour rather than an age gap thing!

My best friend and her sister are tight as anything. They holiday together twice a year. Supporting each other through everything. Six year age gap.

Good luck OP

Im a month away from having our second. My son is nearly 6. I had all the same worries as you, as we hoped for a smaller age gap. However, this is the family we have and we are so lucky. Our son is old enough to be so so excited about baby coming and doesn’t appear to feel threatened by a new one st all. We are hoping their relationship lasts right through adulthood when a 6 year age gap will be irrelevant. Last year we met a family with three children with 8 years between each one (ages 7, 15 and 23). They had planned it as a sych as they said it gave them so much time with each child and the family were all on holiday together and very close. Things will be just fine. Best wishes for your family and you.

I've got a small gap between dc1 & 2 and a larger gap between dc 2 & 3 and much prefer the bigger gap. There's 6+ years between dc1 & 3 and they get on brilliantly and have a lovely relationship. Dc 2 & 3 play together loads, have bath and story together etc and all 3 hang out as a gang and all enjoy stuff together.

I have two siblings, when I was 10, one was 12 and the other was 15. Both myself and the eldest always fell out with the middle one, but the eldest and I got on great. Even now as adults we all get on, but the eldest and I get on the best.

I have a 5 year age gap between mine. Planned for about 4.5 but I also had a mc in between them. Honestly, it's perfect. I truly don't know how people manage with a smaller gap. They are the best of friends and it's been so much easier than if my older one was 2 or 3. I think I would have lost my mind. My older one was in school and more independent and had her own life to an extent away from home, so she wasn't pushed out when her baby brother came along. She's helpful and can entertain herself and very protective of him. She's also old enough to be patient when we have to do things for him and can't always do what she wants. And with her in school, ds and I get lots of one on one time like I did with her, which is lovely.

I think it is normal after such a hard year to be focusing on the things you've lost. You haven't just miscarried, you have lost the family unit you imagined each time.

However, when you have DC2 you won't be comparing potential babies to one another, you'll have a real little person that wouldn't have been here otherwise. I can understand how all consuming this feels right now but I think it will fix itself once you see how your family is going to be.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

I have very small gaps between my three. DC2 and DC3 get on like a house on fire. DC1 and DC2 fight all the time and don't get on.

My conclusion with siblings is that it's all about personalities. You can have a huge gap and they can be best friends and a small gap and they can hate each other.

I honestly think you should look at it that way. You might have a 4yr age difference but if they don't get on it will be personality not the gap.