Feeling so down about age gap - please please help

[munchymoo]

DH and I started ttc number 2 in January this year, sadly I've spent the best part of this year getting pregnant and then miscarrying twice in a row. DS is 2.10 years old, will be 3 in January.

Alongside all the pain and loss of the miscarriages, I have become totally obsessed and depressed about the age gap. I know it shouldn't matter, a healthy child is all that matters, but it's taking over my thoughts and I feel so miserable I want to curl up in a ball most of the time.

If we conceive quickly, and I don't miscarry again, the minimum age gap will be 3.8 years, but is much more likely to be at least 4 years apart. All I can see is the fact that they are too far apart to get on, we'll always struggle to find activities that suit them both, DH and I will have to split to do something with one each, and family life won't gel. As they get older, DS will hit the teenage years and DC2 will be left behind for years.

We never planned a small gap, and I know you can't plan these things (!) but we wanted 3 years, and had I not have miscarried we would have had 2.9 years first, and then 3.3 years gap. Now who knows.

I feel so, so low. Please help.

3.5 years between my two sons. They’re in to the same things (gaming obsessed), are in the same group of friends, six of them ranging across a span of 4 years from eldest to youngest, are doing the same belts in karate, in the same trampolining groups and in the same swimming team! We have never had issues of what to do as a family that suits everyone. Soft play, the farm, the zoo, swimming, parks, play dates were always a hit when younger. Now it’s theme parcs, skate parks, bowling, cinema etc. They are best friends and of course like all siblings, mortal enemies at times!!

if grandparents are on hand to help out, they’ll find a gap easier too!

I'm in the same boat! A 2 year old and 3 miscarriages. I've thought about the age gap as we didn't want a big one, but I can see pros and cons to a bigger age gap now. Like when my DD starts pre-school/school I'd get the one to one time with a potential baby that she got with me. It's shit but in the end most people end up happy with their lot when it comes to children. Wishing you a better 2019 when it comes to the quest for number 2!

DS1 and 2 get on brilliantly, no sibling rivalry; there's 9 years between them (full siblings.) DS2 and DD3 actively seem to hate each other and there's 28 months between them.

OP we were in fairly similar position. Around DDs 3rd birthday we started trying for number 2. Ended up having 3 miscarriages over the next 10 months. Conceived again when she turned 4 and now 36 weeks. So will have just shy of a 5 year gap. I feel sad that they won’t be close as children and will struggle to play together but saying that my DD is so excited about becoming a big sister.

I have seven years between my living children. They love each other. When I was going through my early losses and telling my oldest child that their baby brother wouldn’t actually be coming home to play with, yes it was hard. But they understand a lot more when they are a bit bigger. Two year olds are really tiny in the grand scheme of things. Three year olds only a smidge more. Just infants, really.

We never have trouble finding things to do. We are years on now and into teens but they are close and loving. The older one tells the younger one tales of the day they were born and the younger one loves to hear about how they kept their sibling up all night screaming and how the older one changed their nappy or when the baby was sick on their t shirt. It’s a gift to your older child to be able to remember all of this - to watch their sibling grow and change. It’s a gift to the older one to allow them to play with the toys for longer, to be silly and little for longer, all on the pretence of doing it for the little one. It’s a gift to the baby to be born into a home with a capable sibling, someone else to hold them, care for them and love them.

I wish you luck OP.

I had 3 kids , first two close together loads of competition and arguments, then 3 rd came along 5 years later, middle child and youngest have always got on brilliantly, played together all the time. If I did it again I'd choose to have at least a 4 year gap between each kid.

So sorry for your losses.

I have a to-the-month 3 year gap and it's been tough going, especially the year they were 1 and 4. Even now they're 3 and 6 I feel pretty overwhelmed some days. They fight a lot.

One of my friends also has a 6yo, and just had a baby. The 6yo has been understanding, excited and happy about the whole pregnancy process and new born period. It hasn't rocked her world like it did for my DS1.

I hope you won't also have a 6 year gap as I know you want to conceive ASAP but I just wanted to say there are pros and cons either way

I'm so sorry you've experienced what you have, both the losses and your feelings about the age gap.

To reassure you about the gap; I have a 10 year gap between my sister and I and we've always been incredibly close, still are at 32 and 42yo. My brother and sister have a 5 year gap and again have always been close, more so growing up when he took on a very protective role of his baby sister.

DH has a 2 year gap between him and his sister and they hated each other until they were adults!

We have one child aged 15m and I personally would be contemplating having another (if we decided to do so) in around 3 years, making around a 5 year gap.