Feeling so down about age gap - please please help

[munchymoo]

DH and I started ttc number 2 in January this year, sadly I've spent the best part of this year getting pregnant and then miscarrying twice in a row. DS is 2.10 years old, will be 3 in January.

Alongside all the pain and loss of the miscarriages, I have become totally obsessed and depressed about the age gap. I know it shouldn't matter, a healthy child is all that matters, but it's taking over my thoughts and I feel so miserable I want to curl up in a ball most of the time.

If we conceive quickly, and I don't miscarry again, the minimum age gap will be 3.8 years, but is much more likely to be at least 4 years apart. All I can see is the fact that they are too far apart to get on, we'll always struggle to find activities that suit them both, DH and I will have to split to do something with one each, and family life won't gel. As they get older, DS will hit the teenage years and DC2 will be left behind for years.

We never planned a small gap, and I know you can't plan these things (!) but we wanted 3 years, and had I not have miscarried we would have had 2.9 years first, and then 3.3 years gap. Now who knows.

I feel so, so low. Please help.

I have similar feelings and have had a miscarriage this year also. I wanted a 2 year gap and am still trying for dc2 - if it happens this months the second child will be 3 and a bit. Logically I know it doesn't really matter, but when you have a set idea on something and it doesn't happen it can be hard to come to terms with.

I have a 4.5 year age gap. They are now 16 and 12. They get on great and always have.

I have 4.5 years between mine. In comparison to all my friends with smaller gaps, I think I have had it easier. DS1 was old enough to help with DS2. He started school when DS2 was 4 months old, so I got 1:1 time with each, and was at home on mat leave to settle DS1 into school. Didn't have two sets of full time nursery fees at once. Didn't have a toddler and a baby. Etc.

Have never had a problem with activities etc.

Honestly, you will be fine. for your losses

My DD and DS are exactly 3.8 years apart and get on so well. We've enjoyed many happy holidays and experiences together despite the age gap. They are 11 and 7 now, one has just started secondary, the other still at primary, and they are incredibly close. I think it's more about your children's temperaments and personalities as to whether they get on, rather then just the age gap.

OP I am so sorry for your losses. It must be extremely difficult to deal with that pain but still have to carry on as normal for your DS. For what it’s worth, my DS will turn 4 in January and we have just started trying for number 2. There are plenty of advantages to a bigger age gap. There is no perfect answer. You are entitled to mourn for the family unit you thought you might have, but you can also be excited about the one that is to come.

I'm sorry you have had such a hard year, but there are many advantages to a bigger age gap. My experience with my DC and my DGC, both 5 year gaps, is that the older child has the emotional maturity to really appreciate the arrival of a baby and the physical maturity to do most of the self care skills that are so tiring with a toddler. I also have a very close relationship with my sister who is 7 years my junior.

6 years between DC 1 and 2 for me, they are pretty close, DC3 was born 15 months after DC2, they are very close, but actually so are DC1 and 3 who are nearly 8 years apart.

DC2 and 3 being 15 months apart was very intense, and really very hard work.

I am pregnant again after suffering a MMC in the spring. If all goes well there will be a 3 yr age gap between DC3 and 4. I think 3 years will actually be pretty nice, DC3 will have started preschool and I will have that time to focus on DC4 1 to 1. Lots of families plan their families so that their DC is just starting nursery or school when they have a baby. It isn't a big gap at all.

I've got a 15 year age gap so I wouldn't worry. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

I have seen really really lovely relationships between siblings with 5+ years. I went to a toddler class and in the summer hols the older brother of a little girl came in. The gap was at least six years as the mum said she wasn't ready to even think about conceiving again till her eldest was five. I think the gap was bigger than that though. Anyway, the boy absolutely beamed looking at his little sister at the class and they played so happily together aftewards. I've seen this with other siblings with similar age gaps too.

As others have said, there is no
ideal age gap, pros and cons to each.

I have 5 siblings, my sister is 3.2 years older than me, she's the only one i get on with

Sorry for your losses, it does sound like you might be overthinking the age gap thing though (or as a pp described upthread referring your pain onto this possibily non-issue? It might be good to speak to your GP about the way you’re feeling?).

I’ve got nearly 6 years between mine & it has never been an issue, they love each other, make each other laugh & have a great relationship most of the time! I’ve got lots of friends with siblings smaller age gaps who seem to spend a lot of time refereeing with the kids vying for attention!

We’ve not had the issues with activities that you describe & have always done loads of stuff as a family. Now DS1 is more independent (age 15!) I do get to do more one to one stuff with DS2, but that’s great, taking one swimming or on a trip into town is much easier with one!

I loved having DS1 to focus on when he was little & we spent a lots of time together & as a result are really close - having that time with him was really precious. Also, because he was at school when I had DS2 I felt like I could focus on the baby in the day & spend time with him - he loved being the ‘big brother’, having a later bedtime etc.

I wouldn’t have wanted them close together in age & certainly haven’t worried about it, it really doesn’t have to be a thing

I've got a 23year age gap between my Dd's 😂😂

I have a very nearly 7 year gap between my boy and it's wonderful. They adore each other!!

So so sorry for your losses.

I have DD who is 4.5 and DS who is 4 months. Obviously we're only a little way in but so far it's been really nice. It was tricky at first because DS was born just before the summer holidays, but after that DD started school so once she's there I only have DS to deal with. I do miss spending time with her but she'd be at school whether we had DS or not!

They adore one another. He finds her utterly fascinating and she just loves him and wants to look after him. She also is pretty understanding when his needs have to come first. He unfortunately doesn't understand the opposite, but sometimes he just has to wait! He's a fairly placid baby (DD was a stresspot!), which really helps.

Please don't worry about the age gap too much. Very best of luck

*boys not boy

I'm sorry for your losses.

My ds is 7 and has a 12 year old step sis. So 5 year age gap and they are so close and play so well together. She loves coming to us and getting to be young again, playing with toys and great make believe games. From his side he has amazing imagination and has learnt so much from her. The age gap is perfect.

I am the youngest of four and BY FAR got on best with my eldest sibling who is 8 years older. We were inseparable. I also fought alot with my closest by age sibling of 2years...

I don't think the age matters at all its all down to each childs individual personality.

I am very sorry for your losses xx

3.5 years between me and my brother and we are really close as adults- we've only ever spent one christmas apart despite both being married m. We fought as kids but that's fairly normal I think.

There will be a 3.7 year gap between my children after miscarriage too and it's bigger than I wanted but my little girl is so excited about helping to feed the new baby and bath it. I really wouldn't worry

I have just over four years between my two, I wanted 3 years but due to various reasons, including a miscarriage, that didn’t work out. They are now 2y9 months & nearly 7 and I can honestly say I love the age gap, they play together, she loves going to watch him play football etc and gets fussed over by the big kids. I also enjoy the 1-1 time with each child when we do split and do things seperately. I am so sorry for your losses, but can reassure you a 4 year gap is really lovely.

My cousin's get along great and they are 5 years apart. They call each other their best mate even at times. Hes now 23 and she's now 18. They even worked together at one stage, have mutual friends, go clubbing together now etc. He's just her big brother looking out for his little sister. It's nice.

I’m so sorry you have had such a bad year, and I hope you get the healthy pregnancy you want soon. I have a four year age gap between my first two. I’m pregnant now and will have the same gap. It’s meant to be the optimum gap for child development - you have way more time and attention for the kids and can hel them individually with homework etc. But that’s not why we had the gap, it was simply that my husband is very close in age to his siblings and felt they would all have got along better had they been more spaced out. My first two play brilliantly and my oldest is so kind and caring towards his sister, loves reading to her, he built her a batmobile out of an old box tonight while I made dinner. That could have been the case if they were closer in age, but the advantage of a gap is that they are not competing with each other so much.

Sorry you've had such a bad time. I have a very slightly smaller gap, it wasn't the plan, but it's great. A few if my friends have a similar gap and swear by it! On a practical level it's good because the older one can, in theory, toilet themselves, don't need to nap, can get themselves a drink/snack, don't need a pram, are less likely to need you through the night/dress themselves... A long list. Good luck OP.

I have two sisters. One is 18 months younger and one five years younger. I have always been much closer to the younger one. The age gap was never an issue.

I could have written this years ago OP, I remember the feelings you describe very clearly. I felt so upset that we weren't going to have the family I'd imagined and I found it very hard to let go of that. Looking back it was the pain of repeated miscarriages and the lack of control that I struggled with, along with seeing all my friends have their second child - but I did focus very much on the gap like you. We eventually had our DS as our DD turned 6 and it has been absolutely lovely. They are now 15 and 9 and I am completely happy with the gap, there are lots of advantages and I never had that exhausting time of looking after a toddler and a baby. Looking back the only slight regret I have is that I missed out a bit on enjoying time with my DD when she was small because I was focused so much on having another baby. Be kind to yourself OP and though it's hard, maybe try to let go of the idea of a 'perfect' gap. I remember the time when I finally realised that things were not going to be how I planned and I just let go of it and accepted we would have a different family than I thought. It's heartbreaking right now but things can get better and however your family grows it will be ok in the end.

There is four years between my two girls and they are best friends. Please don't worry. There was 21 months between me and my brother and we never really got on and still are not close at all.