Feeling so down about age gap - please please help

[munchymoo]

DH and I started ttc number 2 in January this year, sadly I've spent the best part of this year getting pregnant and then miscarrying twice in a row. DS is 2.10 years old, will be 3 in January.

Alongside all the pain and loss of the miscarriages, I have become totally obsessed and depressed about the age gap. I know it shouldn't matter, a healthy child is all that matters, but it's taking over my thoughts and I feel so miserable I want to curl up in a ball most of the time.

If we conceive quickly, and I don't miscarry again, the minimum age gap will be 3.8 years, but is much more likely to be at least 4 years apart. All I can see is the fact that they are too far apart to get on, we'll always struggle to find activities that suit them both, DH and I will have to split to do something with one each, and family life won't gel. As they get older, DS will hit the teenage years and DC2 will be left behind for years.

We never planned a small gap, and I know you can't plan these things (!) but we wanted 3 years, and had I not have miscarried we would have had 2.9 years first, and then 3.3 years gap. Now who knows.

I feel so, so low. Please help.

We have a 20 yr old, 16 yr old and a 7 yr old! Big gaps! No problems. Life is good! Lots of love in our family, and that's what's important. Don't over think it op.

There’s exactly a two year gap between my dc.

They don’t like the same activities, they don’t like the same tv shows, they don’t like the same foods, they don’t like the same toys and they don’t really play together...

I know twins that are absolute poles apart too.

I do however know a few families with bigger age gaps and their children seem to rub along just fine 😊

I have almost 5 years between dd1 and dd2, also started trying when dd1 was 3 with a few mc.

The age gap works so well for us, I had mat leave with dd2 when dd1 started school, so I got to do school run and spend the day just with dd2 and napping

5 years between DS1 and 2. They are the best team ever. Yes, activities are at different times so a bit of a pain but they like cheering each other on. They are superfans for each other. And with a t year age gap, no physical fights.

DS2 and 3... only 2 year age gap. Yes they play more giggly games but most often end in drama. They like different activities so again I'm driving at different hours and different locations.

The big gap is easiest to be honest.

I've Only read your op and wasted to share what we experienced. I'm so very sorry for your losses; it's extremely hard especially when others around you seem to have no issues conceiving second children.

Due to illness after my first and then several miscarriages there is a 5.5 age gap (5 school years) between my first and second sons. I felt similarly sad and also wondered if family life would be haphazard as a result.

I absolutely love love love the age gap.

My eldest settled happily at school while I was pregnant and had the benefit of my 1:1 prior to school (I worked 2 days a week) - he's quite a full on/ spirited/ energetic child and I do think in retrospect he would have found a sibling challenging when younger. And also been very jealous.

As it was he was getting very keen for a sibling in the few months before I successfully conceived. He was and still is over the moon with his little brother and I must say, given that I and my sister had an up and down relationship with 3.3 years difference, this is really lovely to see.

I'm finding I can give a lot of attention to baby (5 months) while ds1 is at school which really helped with breastfeeding and recovering from elcs (he took aaaaggges to feed in the early days, is very large and a very hungry baby).

Several friends have had 3 or even 4 in the same time - their eldests have the same age gap as their youngests so it's really no different regarding trips out there.

I'm in a local fb group for mums with an attachment ethos; at least everyday there's a post about struggling with two young children, two youngsters fighting, not being able to give enough attention to a baby or preschooler due to the other one. I've not had any of this and I fact think their relationship is better as a result.

Don't underestimate how low repeat mcs can make you; it is both extremely sad, anxiety inducing and frustrating to keep going through it. 

Oh and I know of friends with 5 year age gaps and they idolised their older siblings.

Sibling rivalry was really bad for me at home and actually got to point where my younger sibling could be extremely nasty and bullying. It wasn't healthy for either of us, mum tried so many things but it was just pure jealousy. We are much closer now but it was extremely hard at times and did damage my relationship with her and my self confidence in dealing with conflict. It's much less likely to occur with a larger age gap and easier to deal with due to their different ages if it does occur.

A friend has 6 and 5 years between her 3 boys and they have all always adored each other.

Last night I heard DS asking DD if he could borrow some hair product and then arranging to pick her up from their Dad tomorrow. The brief conversation ended with “have a great day tomorrow, love you”.

There is a 5 year age gap, the gap doesn’t matter, but has its advantages for DD who often gets lifts with a cool older brother who slips her a few quid now and then for doing jobs he doesn’t want to.

My niece and nephew are less than two years apart and fought from the moment the youngest could speak.

Children will either get on or they won’t. It’s down to personality rather than age difference.

There is only just over a 12 month gap between me and my sister and she is undoubtedly my best friend so I wanted the same kind of age gap for my own children.

However, due to circumstances, including a miscarriage, the second baby wasn’t born until my first born was 3.5 years old.

They are now 4yr 9m and 14 months and their relationship is adorable!!!! My oldest son adores his younger brother and they follow each other around the house and are an absolute pleasure to watch and be around. The eldest is always telling me how much he loves his baby brother and how they are best friends.

It also timed nicely that a few weeks after the second was born my first one started pre-school three days a week so it meant that I had those three days to have quality one-to-one time with the baby which was really lovely.

My son started school this September so I don’t have the stress of dealing with two children at home at the same time (which is hard!) and instead I have 6 hours a day where I can simply enjoy being with my youngest.

There have been lots of benefits to having a bigger age gap and as I said, they have a wonderfully loving relationship.

Admittedly, I do wonder how their relationship will alter as they get older and the age gap becomes more evident and their interests change etc but for now I’m just thankful for what I have and will deal with the future when it arrives.

I think I agree with others that this is your grief / anxiety misplacing itself.

There’s 3y9m between my two and they are as close as other kids who are a couple of years apart. Definitely growing up together.

There were 2 years between my brother and sister - they aren’t close at all. 8 years between me and the youngest of them and I’m closer to them both than they are to each other.

Family dynamics is about so much more than age gaps - personalities play a much much much larger part.

Thank you so, so much everyone for your amazing replies. I feel so much better reading this, the support I've gained from this post and all your replies is immense

I think there is definitely misplaced grief and loss that I'm projecting onto this issue, as I feel it's all so out of control and that is so hard when it's something you want so desperately. If someone could tell me I'd be pregnant next month I'd be fine with the gap that we have but obviously we just don't know how long it will take.

I think I've conjured up a picture in my mind of what my family would look like (a few lovely years with DS, then pregnant, then three year old DS running around the park whilst I have newborn DC2 in sling etc. etc blah blah) and actually having to adjust that picture to something different, something unknown is really sad and painful I guess.

I'm not sure why I've got it in my head that smaller gaps are good, bigger gaps are bad, it's probably that quite a few people said to me when DS was between 12-18 months that we'd better get on with another one soon so he'd have a sibling to play with! Thus implying that if we had a bigger gap, it would be rubbish and he wouldn't have a sibling he'd get along with.

The frustrating thing is actually, when DS was about 17 months, DH and I were discussing the idea of TTC again, and we had a bit of a drunken night where we intentionally didn't bother using a condom, and then I got so freaked out the next day I took the MAP. I wanted to enjoy DS more before another baby came long, and I equally wanted to enjoy DC2 without having a young toddler to care for simultaneously. Regrets are hard to deal with but I need to take from that the fact that I clearly wasn't ready.

Everywhere I look I seem to see families with approximately 2 year gaps, it seems to be the "norm" and it's probably just where I'm at at the moment but every time I go to a toddler group or a playgroup I see mums with children the same age or younger than my DS, who either have a little baby with them or are heavily pregnant, and the sadness and grief and anger well up to the point that I can feel it as a physical heaviness in my stomach and I feel wretched.

I just thought that's what we'd have and it won't happen and I need to find a way to accept whatever our new family will look like and I don't know how to do it. I'm trying so hard.

This thread has made me feel positive for the first time in ages (although I know right now it doesn't sound like it!) and I'm so grateful to everyone who took the time to reply. xxx

An age gap of 4.5 years here. They are the best of friends. They get on well 80% of the time. It’s great.
My eldest is mature enough to understand why my nearly 4 year old is so unreasonable. I can explain about what stage of child development he’s at.

OP can I just pick up on your point about toddler groups and seeing families with small age gaps. I used to think the same, that this was the total norm. But it's a specific sample population at toddler groups. If the group is for ages 0-4 you won't see 2 siblings there with a gap much greater than 3 years! The older sibling will be at school. Maybe some of the children you see have older siblings with a bigger age gap but you don't see that child so you don't know? I have a 3 year gap between mine and have been at so many toddler groups for both of them, when I'm there with my youngest people assume he is my only child as the older one is at preschool.

Also, and please please don't think I'm generalising, but some mums with a smaller age group may choose to not go back to work in between children or while they are small, so that might be another reason why you see them at toddler groups? Maybe with a larger age gap parents have gone back to work in between so you won't see as many families with a larger gap with their children there unless they are on mat leave?

OP, I remember that so much. There’s a two year age gap between my sister and I, and five years between DH and his brother - and they don’t get on at all. We aimed for an 18 month age gap - and got a four year one. And honestly my boys get on so well at 2.5 and 6.5, in a way I just couldn’t have envisaged. It’s lovely, and I can give them time on their separate interests as well as time together.

And then, having spent years of my life TTC, I’m cuddling a newborn who was very much an ‘oops’ and whilst I’m very grateful and love her to pieces, I’m wondering how the 2.5 year age gap will work out as it seems so small.

Good luck x

OP can I just pick up on your point about toddler groups and seeing families with small age gaps. I used to think the same, that this was the total norm. But it's a specific sample population at toddler groups. If the group is for ages 0-4 you won't see 2 siblings there with a gap much greater than 3 years! The older sibling will be at school. Maybe some of the children you see have older siblings with a bigger age gap but you don't see that child so you don't know?

Yes, this. Plus--the close-age-gap families who actually make it to toddler groups will probably be the ones who are lucky enough to have both a relatively easy baby and a relatively easy toddler.

The ones who aren't quite so fortunate and either have a less-than-easy baby or a less-than-easy toddler or (God forbid) both at the same time won't be visible to you, because they don't find it easy to make it out to a toddler group because they are basically spending most of their time pinned to the couch crying into a bucket of gin surrounded by a sea of sippy cups and dumped toys and used nappies, while their baby wails and their toddler systematically trashes the house around them. (OK, slight exaggeration but you know what I mean!)

I know this because I see posts from very tired and stressed toddler+baby mothers in the trenches on my FB groups etc. every day!

Close age gaps will of course work out fine in the long run and they do have some real advantages in terms of getting the "baby years" out of the way and returning to the workforce 100% at a quicker stage and so on. But most parents have a hard time for several years when both kids are small. Pick your poison! There is no ideal gap.

In the long run, sibling relationships end up being about personality, not age gaps.

I agree with other posters that you are (very understandably) hurting over the miscarriages and this is leading to all sorts of negative thoughts and catastrophizing. It's very natural, but I think you will actually love having a slightly larger age gap.

OP my siblings are 8 and 10 years older than me and we all get on fine and I see them both regularly, there really is nothing to worry about and those gaps are much bigger than yours!

Do you think it might help to speak to your GP or a therapist about the undestandably very very painful feelings you are experiencing?

Also OP I was thinking about this, I'm sure others have commented the same but with families with more than 2 children, there will usually be an age gap of at least 4 years and usually more between the oldest and the youngest and those families all make it work with the age gap!

So sorry for your losses, we had a mc between DS1 and DS2. We have a 4 year age gap, and it's actually great. We are only 8 months in but there is such a lovely bond between them and DS1 loves helping to look after DS2. It helps with him being that big older and therefore more independent and can do things himself, or go and fetch things for me etc which he loves to help do, but also it's so delightful to see him excited when DS2 does something new etc.

We've probably had it easier than friends with smaller age gaps.

Also I'd meant I'm on mat leave whilst DS1 starts school, which is great as I'm around to do all pickups etc as he settles in, and also gives me time with just DS2 whilst older one is at school.

Honestly, it's working so well, I'm glad we have this age gap rather then smaller.

There are nearly 4 years between my two (also miscarried). It's brilliant!! I was able to do all the same stuff with DC2 as a toddler as DC1 started school, so I felt like they both had loads of attention in the early years. Bedtime etc was soooo much easier with a slightly older one who could have a snack and watch a DVD whilst I bf'd DC2 at bedtime.

They get on SO well. They are absolute best buddies and always have been. They are 12 and 8 now and my only worry is that as DC1 has started secondary that they will grow apart but it hasn't happened yet. The youngest has always looked up to his big brother - the only downside is that he has to do everything he does which has at times been difficult to manage over the years. But I would not change the age gap at all. DC1 looks out for DC2 and gives him encouragement. I feel that DC2 keeps DC1 "younger" in terms of the games they play and what they play with, which is a good thing imo. Luckily they love all the same things. They even get on with each others friends - if either of them have a friend over they all seem to hang out together, rather than me having a get another friend for the other one! Perhaps same sex helps, but I also have friends with large age gaps between brothers and sisters, who also have lovely relationships, just different to mine. I hope it all goes well for you.

6.5 year age gap here and it is honestly fine.
Please try not to let it stress you. Xx

Also, it doesn't matter at all what you think other people are doing - you have no idea of their story or background! I have a friend who would go to toddler group with her toddler and newborn; people assumed they were her only children but she had 10 and 11 year olds at school! I know loads of people with much bigger age gaps than 4 years.

6 year gap here too. So much easier for me. Eldest was old enough to talk about new baby coming and how he felt. He understood babies wake at night and need feeding more than him. She idolises her older brother and they share the same sense of humour. It’s not the age gap I planned. (Losses etc) But I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Good luck.

We have nearly 6 years between #2 and #3, and it has a great n brilliant so far. Much easier than the 21 months between #1 and #2.

I'm sorry for your losses

I’m 8 years older than my sister and we’re very close- she was godmother at my daughters christening yesterday! I’m planning on having a 4-5 year gap because I want to take my time and really enjoy having little ones rather than getting it all over and done with quickly

**I’m planning on having a 4-5 year gap because I want to take my time and really enjoy having little ones rather than getting it all over and done with quickly

This!! You don’t get those years back so why rush through them?