Feeling so down about age gap - please please help

[munchymoo]

DH and I started ttc number 2 in January this year, sadly I've spent the best part of this year getting pregnant and then miscarrying twice in a row. DS is 2.10 years old, will be 3 in January.

Alongside all the pain and loss of the miscarriages, I have become totally obsessed and depressed about the age gap. I know it shouldn't matter, a healthy child is all that matters, but it's taking over my thoughts and I feel so miserable I want to curl up in a ball most of the time.

If we conceive quickly, and I don't miscarry again, the minimum age gap will be 3.8 years, but is much more likely to be at least 4 years apart. All I can see is the fact that they are too far apart to get on, we'll always struggle to find activities that suit them both, DH and I will have to split to do something with one each, and family life won't gel. As they get older, DS will hit the teenage years and DC2 will be left behind for years.

We never planned a small gap, and I know you can't plan these things (!) but we wanted 3 years, and had I not have miscarried we would have had 2.9 years first, and then 3.3 years gap. Now who knows.

I feel so, so low. Please help.

I’m planning on having a 4-5 year gap because I want to take my time and really enjoy having little ones rather than getting it all over and done with quickly

Absolutely!

I love the fact I had 3.5 years of one-to-one time with my eldest before number two came along.

Thanks guys. I think it's so hard right now because I can't feel or know how it will be for me when, hopefully, number 2 turns however long away that is. Hopefully I will love the age gap as everyone here seems so positive about it, but all I keep feeling now is that is wasn't what I pictured and I can't foresee the future. I just need to have faith I guess?!

I keep seeing pregnant women with toddlers everywhere and every time I do it's like a punch in the stomach, I have to look away and my eyes fill with tears. I just feel so sad. I am seeing a therapist and hoping that will help and hoping one day I won't feel like I do now

I would feel very jealous of pregnant women whilst I was TTC number two and I was always feeling tearful because I was so desperate for it to happen to me.

I remember when one of my male colleagues announced his wife was pregnant and I wanted to cry. I put a smile on my face but inside I felt sick and I purposefully avoided him for over a week because I couldn’t bear to hear him say anything else regarding his wife’s pregnancy.

Jealousy and anger may seem irrational at times but it’s completely normal

I’m so sorry you have had such a rubbish year. Please don’t worry about the age gap though. Our first two DC are only two years apart and they are a pain together. We have 4yrs between our second and third and they are the best of pals.

It's really hard seeing other people pregnant when you areTTC and when you've experienced miscarriages. It's so tough and I remember also feeling like everyone I saw was pregnant, and really struggling when others close to me announced they were pregnant. Both my SIL's got pregnant whilst we were TTC.

I know it doesn't help, but you're not alone in feeling like that. Hope talking to someone helps.

There's exactly 4 years between my two. They absolutely adore each other. Youngest is almost 5 months and her little face lights up when her big sister enters the room. I would have liked a smaller gap at the time but now I wouldn't change it!

Just want to add a fresh perspective on age gap here that might make you see a potential silver lining about a larger gap..

I was two and a half when my sibling was born, I was too young to be a part of taking care of him, yet old enough to realise that I didn't have my mum all to myself anymore. This resulted in my being extremely jealous, resenting him and just not being very kind to him. Growing up we used to play together but fight a lot, and we aren't as close now as I wish we could have been. I almost feel the way I acted towards him as a child has made him feel like I don't want to know him if that makes sense? I wish things were different but it's hard now to show I care and to fix things even though I love him very much.

On the other hand a close friend of mine has over a 4 year difference between her and her sibling, her db was super excited when she was born and was old enough to feel responsible for her/ help look after her. I'm sure it hasn't always been perfect between them but they're now (as adults) really good friends, they go to each other for advice, have been on holiday together etc, it's lovely.

So despite what people may think there's definitely no perfect age gap recipe for a good sibling relationship! It depends on the children's personalities and the circumstances.

Sorry for your losses.

There is nearly 5 years between my sister and I and we are and always have bern very close, we have always looked after each other and no one makes me laugh like she does. She was my cool older sister and I was her crazy younger sister, we shared a flat for years and even now in different countries with very different lives, she would be my first choice for a glass of wine and chat about nothing.

Everyone is different and has different relationships, but 4 years + gap doesn't have to be soon and gloom.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful time. The pain and anguish with miscarriage is something that people don’t seem to understand unless they’ve been through it. A couple of years ago I was in a similar situation. I’d set my heart on a 2 year age gap but I had three miscarriages before I had my son. All of my NCT friends had two year age gaps so we’re off on maternity leave together again. It was really difficult for me to deal with. In the end, I have a 3 and a bit year age gap and I look at friends with different age gaps and realise there are pros and cons to all. I’ve got friends with 5 year age gaps and they’re having so much bonding time with their babies whilst older siblings are at school. And the older siblings are so much more involved.

I look at my son now and think that he is the baby that I was meant to have and I had to go through what I did in order to get him.

My gran has lots of siblings with 20 years between oldest and youngest. The siblings she gets on best with are the ones who she has a complementary personality to, not necessarily the ones she is closest to in age.

It’s really difficult to accept that this is one of those things that you have very little control over - but I hope you have a successful pregnancy very soon.

I had my first two children 16 months apart, then decided to have another child 4 years later. They are all really close and great friends.

My eldest is now 22 (boy), middle 21 (girl) youngest 17 (boy).

The age gap has never been a problem for my children. 6 year age gap from first child to last child, and 5 years between middle child and last child. They are all so close and the best of friends.

I also have a brother 10 years older than me (and we are not very close), but he is very close to my younger sister - and they have a 13 year age gap between them!! Sometimes its down to personalities rather than age, so I wouldnt worry about it too much.

Sorry, I should have said, eldest two are nearly 23 and 22, hence why I put age gap of 6 and 5 years respectively. (In case anyone thought I couldnt add up!! 😁

I haven't rtft yet but I am in exactly the same position. Pregnant at the beginning of the year and MMC in April. Haven't fallen pregnant since and it doesn't seem to be happening at all for us and we fell pregnant really quickly the last twice. I worry that if we leave it much longer the age gap will be too big and we will have to stop. My DH is also a lot older than me and is 40 atm and he will soon be verging in too old to go back to babyhood again!

Try to stop thinking about ‘minding the gap’ and concentrate on your DS
So true Stop minding just focus on Good parenting because that's what matters the most.

I have a friend with a 12, 17 and 18 year olds. The 12 and 17 year olds get on way better than the older two !

I have a 14 year age gap between my two. That's a big gap ! 4 or 5 years is nothing really.

Sorry for your losses.

Thanks again ladies for your replies. I go through good days and bad days with this whole thing and today is a bad day

The best laid plans and all that...this year was supposed to be the year I spent having my newborn baby, not still trying and not even pregnant. I see DS getting bigger and it breaks my heart there is no sibling. I know you just can’t plan these things but I’m struggling so much with that “should”/could have been and isn’t x

OP. I have just over 5 years between my DDs. There are distinct advantages. Initially you have time to take elder to after school activities, and little one tags along.
By the time little one is old enough for these things, big one can be left at home, or do homework.
Secondary/GCSEs - again can focus on one at a time.
Ours have a good bond. Sometimes going places was harder but with two of us to parent we divide and rule. I remember visiting national Gallery - I took DD1 to look at Da Vinci and Turners, DH took DD2 to look at the cute animals in the pictures!

There are pros and cons to all family setups. What will be will be, and it will work out, even if it is not what you planned in your head.

Sorry to hear of your losses OP

There's nearly 4 years between myself and my brother, and we've always been fairly close, even in our younger years. We could bicker and fight with each other but we stuck together if anyone else tried it!

I have a friend with a 17 year old and a 5 year old, and another with a 10 year old and a 1 year old. My DS is 18 months, and I won't even consider ttc until he's 3.

You may not consider the age gap ideal, but it will all work itself out in the end.

Good luck! 😘

Speaking as someone with ten and a half years between me and my only sibling - your family is your family and no child questions age gaps. Only on Mumsnet have I seen so much worry about age gaps of more than two years. I don’t know who sold us the dream that you need to have your babies close together otherwise they won’t get on, because it’s a load of bollocks.

There are nearly four years between my children. After a traumatic birth, severe PND/anxiety and a difficult toddler stage, the idea of getting pregnant again so soon filled me with horror.

Sorry to hear about your losses OP.
7 years between DD and DS and they absolutely adore each other and won't have a word said against each other.
It has never stopped us from gelling as a family. The only time the little one would have tantrum was when DD could get on Disney rides and DS couldn't. They just came along to the separate activities be it music or sport or whatever. Definitely an advantage when it comes to exams, only one set of stress at the time and the older DC also there to support.
DS now at uni and older DD helps us keep an eye on him from afar because he will tell her things he might not tell us.
We also still have family holidays/weekends just the 4 of us.
I can honestly say with all my heart that the age gap has never been an issue.

My niece is 22 and her sister is 7. They are very close- they like going shopping togther, watching movies, baking etc.

My eldest was 8 when my youngest was born and they love each other and get on very well. The only awkward thing was for a couple of years we couldn’t go to the cinema together but they both like going to the park, playgrounds,swimming pool, theme parks, zoo etc. They also like lots of the same movies - ones like Toy Story.

It must be so hard when you've imagined how life would be and then almost had it, twice, then had it taken away each time. That would make anyone pretty depressed. I guess we just have to remember that we can never control anything when it comes to having children and parenting! I really hope you have a successful pregnancy soon OP. I think also that when you do, these feelings will subside and when your new DC is here, you won't be able to imagine it being any other way

Thank you @catlike, I really hope so. Trying to stay positive and hope it’ll happen soon...

Sorry to hear of your losses OP, that sounds really hard.

I haven't got number 2 yet (keeping my fingers crossed!), but am comforted by a lady at work who has a four year age gap and thinks it is the best thing ever. She is always talking about how wonderful it was that she got lots of special alone time with her youngest because her eldest was starting preschool, and how it made it so much easier to afford that she didn't have to pay nursery for two at once. The kids have a wonderful relationship, the elsdest really enjoys caring for the younger one and is learning so much from being the big sister. She's one of the nicest and most mature kids I know now she's five.

Fingers crossed it all works out for you soon.

My friend deliberately spaced all of her kids 4 years apart, they all get on like a house on fire. The best part in my opinion is that you get to spread out the magical bits of childhood. Because mine are closer in age, it was gone in a flash.

My child is 5 and it seems like half his school class have baby siblings under 1.