OMG...Assaulted Somebody Today

[Momp]

Hello All,

Haven't posted for what seems like forever so I hope you are all ok.

Went to Cadbury World today with MIL, DD (4) and DS (18mths). DS started to get crabby.

We waited in a cramped and very full area to see a film, but we missed the first show as there was so many people waiting. During the next wait, DS started screaming. He was obviously tired and he NEVER sleeps in the pushchair.

Our turn came for the show so we went into the small cinema. DS was very upset so we asked one of the staff to show us how to get out. MIL would take him out while I stayed in the show with DD. Staff said go into the cinema and wait for her to come over.

This didn't happen. 5 mins into the show a middle aged chap (on his own with wife) came over to MIL, asked her to leave as we were spoiling the show for everybody. Lady next to MIL said don't you dare leave.

Man goes back to his seat. MIL goes over to him and asks if he has kids. Quite politely I must add.

I go over to him and explain that we asked someone to show us the way out but nobody helped.

I then called him a very rude man, grabbed his glasses and threw them at him! We spotted a fire exit, left the cinema and came straight home.

I am now awaiting a knock on the door from Mr Plod.

What would my fellow MN's do in the same situation?

Don't want to pile it on, Momp, but for me, losing my glasses would also be a financial disaster. I just don't have £500 (specialised prescription), so I would have to go for about six months with bad glasses that aren't good enough to drive with. It would be horrific.

Sorry if you have already answred this but Did you actually rip his glasses off his face and thow them at him ??

Hi Momp,
With my professional head on:- If this man wishes to make a complaint to the police, he can allege common assault against you and he presumably has witnesses to back him up. He can also make a civil claim for (possible) damage to his glasses.
The police would examine CCTV tapes to determine your vehicle registration, if you were caught on CCTV and if the quality of the tape is sufficient to see it - they usually are these days and its a fairly prominent police drive to persuade companies, councils and so on to upgrade CCTV. If the reg is clear, then a quick, simple computer check would identify the registered keeper. Secondly, did you pay cash or some traceable form - credit card for example? It would depend on how insistent he was and how much time and money the police would want to put in to tracing you - but they have a responsibility to complainants.

With witnesses, you would be found guilty in court but would undoubtedly be given a caution - and maybe community service and / or instruction to attend anger management classes (if they believe this incident is not a one-off) at your own expense. This caution would stay on your record for several years in a declarable form - eg on job applications, loan applications and so on. Civilly, you would be held for the cost of repairing / replacing his glasses, plus in todays litigious society, he may well sue for compensation for hurt feelings etc and be awarded a couple of hundred pounds.

Personally, I would file an assault charge against you and insist the police look at CCTV etc - but I know how to play it. This man may have just been shocked and glad you left, and not given thought to filing a charge.

I would strongly recommend you DO NOT make contact with your local nick - Gawd, you might just find yourself on the receiving end of a charge anyway, even without witness statements. I think you are only considering doing this to make yourself feel better.

I have felt like you did but thankfully never acted on it - though I have yelled - so I do really sympathise with that seconds loss of control. But Momp, you grew up seeing your fathers violence. Is that what you want your children to see?

I think most men would feel a bit embarassed about being attacked by a woman. Truly, I don't think this will go further. I would normally suggest apologising to someone you had hurt or offended, but here I think you risk embroiling yourself in something you might regret. In your first post you did sound quite pleased with yourself - it is hard to tell the tone of a post sometimes. You clearly aren't any more, even if you were, and I think that's enough. I really do doubt you will do this again. It's not a hit and run. Nobody died. You did overreact and I think you realise that.

aloha, you so don't want her to go to police!!

It just sends shivers down my spine!! At best the police will think she is a loon, at worst there could be hideous consequences from a momentary loss of control. It's a noble impulse, but not a wise one IMHO.

I agree - steer well clear of the boys in blue, Momp, there's no point in courting trouble. Even if you did contact them and make all the right repentent noises, it might not make much of a difference to any sentence, and might precipitate a court case that otherwise wouldn't have happened.

Sunchowder you must be a saint of a mother - "I never let my children cry anywhere" - can you give me lessons?!

Momp,I have a suggestion if you want to find out if he has made a complaint.I'm not sure if it would work though,but may be worth a try.

You could ring CW,ask to speak to security,don't tell them it was you that did it,but say that you were in the cinema at the time & saw what happened & do they need witnesses?If the security staff don't know anything about it,you are probably in the clear.However if they do want to take your details or anything like that,it would indicate that it is being pursued.Then make hissy noises down the phone & make out that you are being cut off (perhaps best to block your number before calling them too).After that,you can consider what you want to do next.

Yes Nutcracker, that's about the giste of it.

Aloha, I was so not pleased with myself at first. Haven't been pleased with myself at all about this. I was just getting defensive I suppose.

Personally Momp I wouldn't call the police, but I might contact Cadbury World and explain. If they have had a complaint they might be able to pass on a heartfelt apology. I don't think I would go to the police at this moment, because I doubt it would help much.

As to what I would have done in this scenario, I guess I would have made a sarky comment and fumed for the rest of the day, I am sorry but I do thinkyou were ott. Although you know that. The technical terminology doesn't matter, you know you were out of order, so I would try to find a way to say sorry if you can. It might at least make you feel a touch better.

Momp, I know you reacted badly when someone suggested anger management, but it might be worth thinking about. Looking back at your original post, this guy wasn't threatening you or your kids in any way. He made a polite request, which irritated you as you were stressed. He then went back to his seat. You and your MIL followed him and then you physically attacked him. I think that's a very worrying progression. It's also worrying that in your first few posts you interpreted this as you defending your kids in some way. And that your MIL finds this funny ? what sort of example is that for her grandkids?

Actually, you were the aggressor here (and I'm sure you were very stressed, I'm not having a go, but trying to explain how much of an over-reaction your behaviour was and how frightening it must have been to him and to anyone else who saw it ? presumably several children).

Even if you couldn't bring yourself to go to classes, might be worth borrowing a book from the library.

But, from this thread, it looks as if you frightened yourself as well so at least you've learnt something from all this and will presumably be trying hard not to let your ds/dd see you doing this sort of thing again.

I hope, for your sake, that he doesn't complain to the police.

I'm amazed you say mil was laughing about it. How can it be funny to anyone with any standards? I can't imagine behaving like that and I would have been shocked to witness such an incident.

How do you want your daughter to grow up? WIll it be ok with you if she goes round attacking anyone who puts her nose out of joint. You say you were protecting your kids (nonsence) but I imagine for a young child it must have been very scary to see thier mother raginf like that and deliberately picking a fight with some bloke. And I feel you picked the fight. He didn't say anything to you.

Everyone has stressful times with their kids, but, thankfully, you don't see them carrying on like that.

And finally you also say it wound you up, someone daring to suggest your kids were badly bahaved ..... I only hope they behave a bit better than you.

Overnight I have managed to do a lot of thinking.

DH and I both know I have been letting things get on top of me for a long time now. At the end of every day I am exhausted physically and mentally. (I am disabled with arthritis).

I do not find time for myself and desperately want to.

I am too exhausted to do any exercise classes (consultant only suggests swimmimg due to my condition).

I was meant to start an adult ed course this Sept but it would mean DS going to college creche and we do not agree with "other people" looking after our kids. I cannot rely on either set of parents to look after DS as they both have health problems.

I wholly agree that I over reacted. All I can say to explain how I felt is that the guy upset me because he was complaining about my child's behaviour. It is the usual thing - only we can complain about our loved one's; it hurts when somebody else does.

Edam, thank you for your post. It is so much more encouraging to read constructive comments when I feel like such a s**t.

I typed another message entirely and then read your last post and deleted it and wrote this one instead. I think you MIL should be told to stop laughing - what example is she setting your dd? I also think that you should do something that a 4 year old understands, like sit down and write a letter of apology (of course you can't send it, but she won't know that). What would you make her do if she pulled another kids glasses off for being mean about her little brother? If nothing else it's a really good time to have a chat about right and wrong.

Thank you toddlerbob. Have spoken to DD since she woke up. She does know that mummy was naughty yesterday.

She told me about other times when she gets scared of me - like when I'm driving or telling her off.

DD said I should try to be a little bit more quieter in future when I'm cross.

DH on call all weekend when I really needed him here. I'm thrown in at the deep end which is probably the best way to deal with things sometimes.

Momp, sorry you've had such a tough time. Can you re-think the adult ed? You need some time for you ? and the kids will benefit from having a less stressed mummy. You are going to have to let someone else look after them eventually, when they go to school. There is nothing wrong in them going to a creche for a couple of hours, they will be fine ? might even do them good to mix with other kids. You've got such a lot on your plate and it is clearly getting on top of you. Maybe this incident is a sign that something needs to change.
Thanks for the kind words about my post!

Plus, the swimming - I know how hard it is to haul yourself off to something like this when you are knackered. BUT if you do, you'll have more energy. Honest! Just try it, once ? you don't have to commit to going again. Go on...

Momp i think you have had enough grief off everyone and i honestly believe you feel shitty about it all. You regret it which is enough. I would let it go now and try and be a bit kinder to yourself you are obviously suffering a little at the moment.
As for someone else having your kids while you go to college, personally i think that would do you the world of good, what is wrong with someone else having them if it means you will get a break and in return be less stressed and a better mum when you have them. You have to look after yourself too, perasonally i think you will enjoy your time with them more then.
Just learn from what you have done, it has served as a lesson to how strung out you are getting, do something positive about it all and turn a shit day into a positive one. Good luck and try and not punish yourself anymore, we all make mistakes it is people who don't regret it that are the true fools.

Momp I agree with most of what has been said before , but I wanted to add that maybe you could try and make some good come out of this incident. Having such a frank talk with your dd is a good start, I hated putting dd in nursery but actually once she settled in she loved it and the mixing with new kids was great for her.
It sounds like you are overstressed and tired ,swimming always makes me feel better , I think it is a good way to unwind. Good Luck

Hi Momp. I have just read this whole thread and am somewhat dazed. I completely understand peoples negative comments towards your actions (especially glasses wearers) but to be perfectly honest I would just chill out and put this down to experience-albeit a very humbling one. I doubt very much that this miserable old git will make a complaint. I too think he will be ashamed of his behaviour and also embarrased at being "assaulted" by a woman. Wrong though it undoubtedly is I completely understand that momentary flash of complete anger. It was the expression "seeing red" was made for. When my DS1 was literally a week old I had a run in with what can only be described as a "little old lady" in a Tescos car park. First trip out, struggling with car seat,she beeping her horn for parking space. I screamed at her through her open car window. Maybe its the vulnerability you feel when your children are involved. I'm not condoning your behaviour-but I so totally understand it. And yes I know I've got a bad temper.
I would try and put this out of your mind otherwise it will drive your already stressed mind to distraction. You were wrong-period. But you know how wrong you were and have learnt something. Hopefully he has learnt not to cross the mothers of small children.

momp, interesting to read how this thread has morphed from something a bit angry and negative to something constructive and positive.

I can see your feelings have changed along the way - for the better IMO. Excellent but chilling message from Lisa78. I had no idea the police could trace people so easily if they decide to do so.

I really wouldn't stir up trouble by contacting the police right now. However, it's going to be a painful time while you wait to see if the police will knock on your door. Probably not, but there's a chance.

In your shoes, I'd wait a few weeks, then do something like Mirage suggested: Phone from a public phone (not your home one) and speak to security at Cadbury World. Say you witnessed a minor assualt in the cinema, can't remember the date, all a bit confusing as to what happenend, but did Cadburyh World need witnesses - had the person who was assaulted made a complaint? Just to see their reaction. Then if they want your details, say you'll phone back - you need to talk to your husband about it all first or something.

It would be useful to know how long you need to wait before you can safely assume no compaknt has been made against you. Perhaps someone here has the answer.

Good grief I get people complaining about ds1 every time I go out. Last week on a ferry I had a man stare, tut tut and shake his head whilst looking at him as if he a piece of dog poo (I was restraining ds1 at the time). What do I do? a) I avoid places I know he can't cope with (we're not going on a ferry again until we think he can cope with it for example) and b) I walk away. Occasionally I'll say that he can't talk, but usually I say nothing and walk away.

Momp I recognized some of me about two ago in your posts - I rectified things by entrusting dd to a nurserey and going to uni it has made me feel much better and I have some time for me - it has made me a better paren. i hope you can find a way to feel calmer soon or your children will notice and be upset

I thank you all for your comments and have taken on board everything you have posted.

Tigermoth, I truly agree with how you feel the thread has changed.

Yesterday when I started the thread I thought I would receive replies from like minded people who supported my acts.

How wrong I was! MN has been judge and jury and I have been totally gobsmacked.

I will endeavour to start the adult ed course if DH allows it. He is the one who strongly believes in us raising the kids until school starts. DD starts reception in 2 wks and DH isn't too trusting of teachers either!

I desperately want to go swimming but feel cheeky to go out for an hour after DH gets in from work or at weekends if he is off.

Will have to play it by ear.