Parents of Criers Support Thread - Respite from the Screaming!

[MeadowHay]

Hi! I've noticed there are frequently threads on here from new parents of babies who cry A LOT and who are feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed/lonely etc. So I thought I'd make this thread and maybe we can chat and help support one another? Before I had my baby, I knew babies cried, but I didn't know they could cry quite this much, for no apparent reason a lot of the time. And I don't think other people who haven't had a crier, understand what it is like to have a crier!

To introduce myself, my name is MeadowHay, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have one baby girl who is 4 months old. She is a delight...when she's not crying. But she is crying most of the time really. She is a pretty good night-time sleeper which is a Godsend as I need all the energy to cope with her constant day-time crying and she only has like 30 minute naps in the day.

I have just scoffed some wraps down my throat for lunch and can hear her waking up from her 30 minute nap so I better get over there asap before she starts to...you guessed it...cry!

Did you quit soy too? I can’t have dairy or soy now. I ate a pizza the other day and she was awful for days afterwards!

Mine had the most worst colic known to man kind plus going through the wonder week six, he was awake from 5pm to 5am for two weeks straight, tummy time was horrible he cried throw up and cried, he now four years old and is bad sleeper, I remember those days when I was practically nocturnal, it does get easier in some ways, just hang on in there mummies.

Night 4 of my husband's night shifts and both girls asleep before 9pm for the first time, hallelujah!

Ugh, had a shit day today. I had to collect my daughter from nursery this evening and as per usual he screamed hysterically the whole way there. So I was already stressed out by the time I got there. Then my daughter had a meltdown over something I did or didn’t do as we were leaving and started bawling. She’s going through a phase of bursting into tears if you don’t do things the way she wants or if you tell her no. It’s very tedious. So the two of them were crying in the back as I was trying to get them strapped in. I ended up shouting a bit at my daughter to stop crying. Now I feel like the worst mother ever and so fucking guilty because I feel like I have no patience at all for her now, and I know it’s because I’m already at the edge because of DS’ screaming. Every day I tell myself that I’m going to be better for her, but I’m often short tempered. I feel like I ruined her life by having him. Our relationship, anyway.

Congratulations on the interview, WTF! Yes, feeding is a good time for reading stuff. Harder with a toddler though.

Glad things have improved a bit, Meadow.

Peony, my daughter rolled off the bed at about the same age. I think it’s a rite of passage! Glad she’s ok.

Haz, we have the same child! Mine is almost 4 months and has an even shorter awake time - often cranky after an hour, and never happy with any entertainment for longer than five minutes. It’s knackering. I’m crossing fingers that it gets better when he starts sitting/crawling. I think my daughter got better around that time. So bloody far away though.

Haz How old is your baby again? Mine only catnapped until she was about 4 months, then gradually started to have more naps of 1-2hrs but even then it's not consistent and not every day and not at set times, and usually she stirs a couple of times even in that period for her dummy when it has fallen out. I think the longer napping thing is developmental and it is normal for cat naps til at least about 5 months. Does your baby have a dummy?

Hannah Thanks for popping in, I really hope it does get easier as things are grim a lot of the time. I definitely do not enjoy being a mum, the vast majority of the time.

WTF Well done, that's great! Hope you had a decent-ish sleep yourself, you're doing a great job !

bad That sounds so hard and stressful, I'm not surprised that you get frustrated. But you are a good mum, you are doing your best in difficult circs, you clearly love both of your children, they are safe and well cared for, cut yourself some slack I lose track of who has/hasn't been to GP but maybe some kind of talking therapy could help you? We all get frustrated though sometimes. Yesterday evening was horrific her, she had a 2hr nap albeit on DH who is off sick atm, woke up at 5pm and screamed til she eventually had a 30min nap in the Baby Bjorn whilst DH walked around the house with her at like 7pm, up at 7.30pm screamed til she eventually fell asleep again in the Baby Bjorn at 9.30pm and then 15 mins later we gave her dreamfeed and up to bed. She slept quite well with only about 2/3 wakeups for dummy but they were longer and more cry-y than usual, but she has bronchiolitis so I'm hoping it's just that making her worse. The funny thing was, it was awful and I cried a lot, but it was a lot more bearable for me with DH here and he did most of the legwork really, but he got really wound up himself and ended up shouting at her to shut up by about 8pm so I had to take her off him for a little while. He hasn't got that wound up with her screaming since she was about 8 weeks old, but that was when he was home a lot more in his uni holidays, so I think it's made him realise a bit more how grim it is for me, because he's managed to be more calm since he's been at work more, and this week he's been at home more for various reasons and got really to the end of his tether too. So I think he is understanding a bit better now!! He is a great dad tho I can't fault him, anyone would get bloody frustrated after days of screaming, same for you bad I doubt anyone has been in situations like you and kept calm the entire time!!

My new HV came yesterday and stayed for aaaaages talking to me about my birth trauma etc. She was really nice and helpful. She told me to see the GP as I've moved surgeries now, so I went this morning and saw the same GP that I took DD to see yesterday, who DH also knows through work. And she was really nice and has referred me to CBT although I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go cos of finding childcare for DD :/ and also prescribed me buspirone for my anxiety as she was really reluctant to prescribe diazepam even though I've used it on a 'when-desperately-needed' basis for years before I was pregnant, but she agreed if this doesn't help then she'd prescribe me diazepam so fair enough I will give it a go, I have to go back to see her in two weeks and the HV is coming back to see me in 2 weeks too, so I feel a bit more positive that I've finally found some HCPs that actually care.

It helps to know there are others in similar positions. Day by day, we can do this...

Baby is 6 months in a week, so was both hoping that catnapping would sort itself out, and also generally that he would become less irritable. I really had 6 months in my mind as a ‘he should be happier by then’ thing.

From 3-4 months he was pretty much an hour awake, an hour alseep. Seeing advice on keeping him awake for longer to get him to nap longer, but he seriously can’t cope with more awake time - 2 hours is absolute maximum still, or he will just scream. So like I said to get he ends up on about 5 short naps a day which I’m sure is silly. He does at least go down for naps and sleep pretty easily most of the time nowadays (although only in his sleeping bag, with his dummy, in his bed... nowhere else!)

He’s started sitting up better now, but still needs supervision to not topple over after a minute... maybe that will help as it gets better? I don’t know, it’s like he’s so strong willed and frustrated. Getting dressed is the worst. Cutting back on dairy in desperation, but his only symptom is being super grumpy.

Hey all, how are you doing? Good to see a quiet thread - hope no news is good news. Just checking in. Plodding sling here. DS has been a bit more bearable lately, mainly because I’ve tptally given up on the cot. He’s been taking ok naps in the buggy, and staying asleep when I get back in from walking with him, so I’ve been doing that twice a day. I know it’s not ideal but I just get so frustrated by the failed cot naps, it’s better for everyone to give it a break. I do really miss my evenings though. I would really love a few hours without a baby sleeping on me, or screaming.

I still literally cannot stand it when I have both of my kids together. I feel like I’m the worst mother ever. Trying to get DS to nap in the sling while dealing with my shouty daughter is actual torture. She must hate me, I think. All I do is shush her or walk away from her.

I need to get some kind of cot sleep going by Christmas. I’m going to my in-laws for Christmas Day and I can’t sit under him for hours while he sleeps, and they have a full house so it’ll be too noisy to leave him in the buggy for sleeps. Ugh.

Hi bad!

We are actually doing really well. Although not getting much sleep, DD is up every two hours or so and has learned to roll onto her front so is waking herself up even more.

We are giving her baby rice and considering weaning soon?... (she’s 5 months). She shows a lot of interest in food and is great at eating the baby rice. I wouldn’t dare suggest that to the health visitor though...

I’m sorry you’re finding it hard with your two but glad it’s been a bit better than usual. It’s tricky thinking about Christmas isn’t it? We have some weekends away planned etc. which is going to be difficult to fit in with nap times but we are lucky DD is a lot more chilled now.

She’s actually very cute atm, DH took her into work and a lot of the female staff were getting broody- ahhh if only they knew what a little terror she really is! Her smiles do make up for it now though

Hi both, glad to hear things are going better peony apart from the nighttime sleep, bad tbh the buggy naps sound like bliss to me right now, DD's lack of napping has got even worse and seems to be getting worse as each day goes on. She won't nap for more than 45 mins absolute tops again, today she has not had a single nap of more than 20 minutes and all of those naps were on DH apart from one which was in the carseat. I feel like literally pulling my hair out, the incessant screaming from overtiredness is driving us both insane and neither of us have any idea what we can do about it. I have a thread in the 'sleep' subtopic but nothing people suggest is possible because she won't let us put her down, she just screams. She won't even sleep in the pram atm! And never for more than 30 minutes, and wakes as soon as you try and put her down if she falls asleep on you.

I'm sorry things are still bad for some of us :(
We've actually had almost 3 weeks of smiles and barely and crying until Friday night when he was feeding and suddenly shrieked, pulled off the breast and then screamed like he used to for about an hour. He eventually took a bottle and conked out for the night but seemed to wake up with a horrible cough and sneezing on Saturday and has been out of sorts ever since. We've just had a complete screaming fit where he's refused the breast again and has taken a bottle and some calpol and fallen asleep. I'm praying this is just a cold and not a reflux flare up again as I seriously can't go back to how it was a few weeks ago.

Fuschia How is your DC now? It is hell over here...DD had bronchiolitis which made her very cry-y and a bit screamy again and set back her napping loads, she was ill for about 10 days or so so I couldn't take her to any baby groups or anything and was going stir crazy. Then she was well for only about 4 days before she caught another mild cold, which has exacerbated and now she is really screamy, last night was awful, she screamed most of the time from 8pm-1am, DPs came over as DF is a dr and he thought she was probably ok but to call NHS 111 to be on the safe side with her being so small, so I did, and the OOH GP called but said that he was happy that she would wait til today to see GP, but they had no appts til 5.50pm today. And on top of that - since yesterday I have a horrible vomiting bug (possibly food poisoning?) and every time I move I vomit. Yesterday I didn't manage to keep any food down in the entire day! Today seems a little better so far as long as I don't really move. So DH has had to take the day off placement and since yesterday has been looking after DD basically on his own and also trying to look after me too. It's the first time he's basically taken sole care of her, but I have sympathy because she's awful atm.

Oh dear Meadow! It seems like you have been having an awful time with DD getting ill a lot. We have been lucky to avoid colds so far, but it’s only a matter of time.

DD had half a banana last night at about 5.30... and she woke up every 4 hours instead of 2! So maybe weaning will be a turning point.

@meadowhay oh dear you are having a rough time, I'm so sorry and hope things improve very soon for you. Does your daughter settle ok for her dad? Annoyingly my son will only settle on me and usually only if I breastfeed him. I feel like I've done everything wrong (feed to sleep etc) and have spoiled any chance of him settling any other way. All naps are on my lap so I'm usually trapped for a few hours each day (when he does finally sleep)!! Sorry, went off on a rant there.

He's ok, went to the dr and it is just a little cold. He's a bit unsettled with it but not massively screamy (yet!) I panic now at any sign of screaming that it's going to go back to how it was. I really think it leaves you somewhat traumatised when you've had a screamer. I can't just accept the "don't worry, babies cry" line that people give me when I say I don't dare go to places with him.

Fuchsia your baby is still quite young isn’t he?

People who say ‘oh well babies cry’ have never had a baby with colic type issues. They just don’t understand. The crying is horrendous, draining and very stressful. Me and DH almost called an ambulance once we were so worried.

But... 5 months on. When DD cries now we barely notice. Whereas the people with chilled babies from our NCT group are stressed/ freaking out now their babies are crying a bit because of sleep regression overtiredness etc. In a way going through all of this has made us stronger- especially our relationship.

The screaming has turned to whining, which is annoying but it’s not unbearable like it was before. We can take her out places no problem!

I was writing similar stuff to you a few months ago! Hopefully it will get easier soon. Now I can actually leave the house without even worrying that she is going to cry- I never ever thought that would happen.

Nothing wrong with feeding to sleep. DD is starting to settle by herself now in pram, being sang to etc. but I still like to feed to sleep. Great if we are going away and easier at night! I don’t believe any of the rod for your own back stuff babies are always changing anyway.

Yes I wouldn't worry about feeding to sleep. DD stopped feeding to sleep within a few weeks of being exclusively bottle-fed so that was around the 12 week mark. Idk why! Sometimes I wish she would because it feels like it would be easier to get her to sleep, but I appreciate that's another habit to break, but they're only tiny anyway, I think we just need to do whatever we can to make our lives easier!!

DD was getting better a bit more like your DD peony but she's been ill for most of the last fornight and has regressed to being awful, I'm really hoping once she's recovered fully she'll go back to being better again. I agree fuschia I get that weird trauma thing too, like my tolerance for it has decreased over time and when the screaming starts, I start to panic and envision hours of it, even though that's an ovvereaction and not often what happens! At the same time I agree with peony that I do deal with her crying well in public and much more calmly than a few of the mums at the groups that I go to who have babies that hardly ever cry.

Thanks both. Tbh I didn't even think that feeding to sleep was a issue until I started using mumsnet. He naturally fell asleep when feeding from birth so I assumed this was normal and continued (he's 11 weeks now) but now I don't seem to have any other way of getting him to sleep so it worries me. On occasions when he doesn't want to feed but is tired he gets so frustrated (rubbing his face into me, the matress etc.) as it's almost as though he wants to sleep but doesn't know how without me feeding him (he can fall asleep in sling, pram, car etc though but is such a light sleeper he awakens as soon as we stop). I let him sleep on me for the first 8 weeks as his reflux was bad so he didn't like laying down. Now I've got him next to me in bed but it can still take a good 2+ hours to get him to sleep at night and trying to get him to nap throughout the day is even worse. I want to get him into his crib so much but he just won't settle in it I've also tried putting his sleepyhead mattress next to me in bed and curling myself around it but again he just cries and cries. I'm just worried that my husband can't settle him and is sleeping in the spare room so feel like they aren't getting any bonding time. I wish I could start again and try and do things differently. My friends all seem to have easy babies that are in routines and it makes me feel like such a failure that I can't even get him to sleep in his crib. It makes me not want to see my friends as I'm jealous of how easy they appear to have it.

I hope things get better for us all soon.

I really liked reading this thread the other day-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3437682-To-think-it-s-not-the-end-of-the-world-if-he-feeds-to-sleep

Don’t compare yourself to your friends babies- trust me they will have challenges too. Maybe not now but later on. I was resentful when a close friend of mine had her easy sleeping baby a few weeks ago- but now she has started to cry/ not sleep. I tell myself it is all character building!

Not actually a very good morning so far, DD very overtired and currently whining in her pram while I sit in the kitchen on Mumsnet... I actually wish I could feed to sleep as thats not really working in the daytime anymore.

Fuschia Tbh from what you describe I don't think it is the feeding to sleep that is the problem with your DC not falling asleep easily, because many babies that feed to sleep will always have a very quick few mins on the boob to put themselves to sleep even if not hungry, if they're easy, iyswim, whereas DD hasn't fed to sleep since she was about 12 weeks old, and it still often takes 2+hrs to get her to sleep! So if I were you I really wouldn't be trying to remove a habit that at least some of the time helps you get some rest and get baby to sleep. I use the pram for most of her naps because I can't usually get her to sleep any other way. For the last 2 months or so she has stayed asleep once the motion has stopped, thankfully, but she still only sleeps for like 20-30 mins most of the time. Also, you may have done things differently and it may have made no difference! Some babies are just easier than others and others are more difficult. I don't think there is anything I could have done that would have somehow made my difficult baby an easy one. You sound very hard on yourself Fuschia, and quite down, have you spoke to the GP about how you are feeling, or your HV about how you're struggling? My new GP and new HV are both great and helpful even if it's just to vent a bit. I also have a telephone assessment with the local IAPT service this afternoon as the GP referred me and wants me to get CBT.

My vomiting bug is finished, thank God!

@perfectpeony, thanks for sending that link, that was good to read, I feel a bit better about it :) I think so many people have trotted out the "rod for your own back" line at me that it got me down. Also having friends say things like "oh just walk about rocking them for a few minutes to get them to sleep, that always works for me" (!!!!) when I say he literally will not sleep even though he is blatantly exhausted. It just makes the whole thing seem worse. You're right though, I shouldn't compare as everyone has their own issues. I hope your afternoon is better than your morning.

@meadowhay I know you're right, it would be silly to remove it when it works some of the time. I need to stop reading what other people do and accept that he is a difficult sleeper. My friend sent me a nap schedule and that just made me feel even worse as I couldn't get him to do any of it. I think even if I could get him in his crib I'd feel better about things. Thank you for your concern, it's really kind of you. I'm ok, much better now that his reflux has improved, I just don't feel like I'm doing things "right" and that it's all on me as the baby won't settle with my husband so it's draining.

I'm pleased your vomiting bug has gone :)

Fuschia Tbh I know it's easy for me to say, but if on the occasions when baby won't be fed to sleep, and you can't get them to sleep, and it's taking you 2hrs, have you left baby with DH for over 2hrs to settle them to sleep? Because I'm struggling to see that it could take him longer than that to settle baby, if it can take you that long anyway? Also couldn't he take baby in the pram or car even as you said that works and that way you get a little break from baby too? Also baby will learn to settle with dad if you leave them with dad enough, I don't think there's any other way to change that, even if it's tough at first.

@meadowhay no we haven't tried him settling to sleep with his dad since he was very newborn and before his reflux issues. He cries with me but I can eventually calm him whereas he screams with my husband and doesn't calm down. My husband is good though and will pace the streets with him in the pram on the nights when it's bad.

@WTFdidwedo @Perfectpeony thank you so much for linking me to this thread!

Sorry to see so many people suffering with screaming babies. Mine has just fallen asleep... he's 7 weeks old, only 9lbs and absolutely gorgeous. He's okay most of the time but about once a day has a 1.5 hour + screaming fit. He gets so upset and nothing I can do will help him.

I've tried:

• sling
• car journey
• holding in different positions
• given up dairy
• white noise
• gaviscon
• EVERYTHING

I think he gets over tired, then hungry, and can't concentrate on feeding as he's so tired so just gets confused the poor little sod.

Hope everyone's little ones come through this phase and wishing you all the best.

No problem, welcome!

Just to add to what's been said on your thread, cranial osteopathy and checking for tongue tie also made no difference. Nor did solid food in fact because she seems to really struggle to eat proper food still at 8 months.

ARGH. Getting DD to fall asleep (and then stay asleep) is a fucking nightmare. I was so naive before we had her. I thought babies slept most of the time (at least newborns - she slept even less then than now ) and that you would calmly rock them to sleep when they were tired and off they would drift, and then you'd put them down in their bed and get on with things....LOLOLOL.

Hi Marteena, welcome. I'm not going to lie, I feel really envious when I see that you have one screaming fit a day and that baby is ok the rest of the time! I wish mine was like that . Although she doesn't tend to scream for as long periods anymore unless she's ill, but it took 4/5 months to get there.