Parents of Criers Support Thread - Respite from the Screaming!

[MeadowHay]

Hi! I've noticed there are frequently threads on here from new parents of babies who cry A LOT and who are feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed/lonely etc. So I thought I'd make this thread and maybe we can chat and help support one another? Before I had my baby, I knew babies cried, but I didn't know they could cry quite this much, for no apparent reason a lot of the time. And I don't think other people who haven't had a crier, understand what it is like to have a crier!

To introduce myself, my name is MeadowHay, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have one baby girl who is 4 months old. She is a delight...when she's not crying. But she is crying most of the time really. She is a pretty good night-time sleeper which is a Godsend as I need all the energy to cope with her constant day-time crying and she only has like 30 minute naps in the day.

I have just scoffed some wraps down my throat for lunch and can hear her waking up from her 30 minute nap so I better get over there asap before she starts to...you guessed it...cry!

WTF Ah, I hope you get it sorted soon. I think it's pretty daft that there isn't actually any support to help people stop BF. Idk if that's controversial or what but I know a lot of women struggle with it. I guess you've already tried loads of different cups and bottles? I know some people just leave baby with dad/someone else and go out for ages and then eventually they get hungry enough and will take some, but I appreciate that route might not be for everyone, it does sound really stressful!

Hi disco, I think I've seen you on another thread somewhere? Sorry that you're going through this too. What I would say is that DD started her upward trajectory of improving around the 3 month mark because that's when she started to become more aware of the world around her so you could do more things to distract her, at least temporarily, but it certainly was no magic bullet, so whilst I'd look forward to your DC improving, try not to set yourself this target of 3 months and then it will be all better because as you can see from this thread, sometimes that doesn't happen . I think I saw a bigger improvement around 4 months - it's from then that the weeks have started to actually go quickly rather than each day dragging on and on. But all babies are different.

Bad Good idea to speak to GP. It may just have been a coincidence though, but no way of knowing unless you try it again for longer a second time? I think it's probably good to give up on operation cot while he's ill and then start it up again when he's better? My DD has a cough at the moment which means she is waking briefly every hour or more frequently because her dummy is falling out of her mouth when she's coughing, poor thing. I have had a lot of success with putting her down for naps now whilst she is still awake and having her fall asleep with minimal intervention- I've been working at it over the last fortnight and gradually she's getting good at it, it doesn't work every time and I find that it works best in the pram. But bear in mind my DD is older than yours WTF (she's 5 months). I have learnt a few tricks that have helped my DD that you could try when your DS is better if you haven't already:

• Trying to get the window right so she's drowsy/tired and calm and not overtired. I generally use yawning and eye rubbing as sleep cues.
• Grobag so she's warm before I put her down (although I only do this for bed and we usually put her to bed asleep).
• DD always turns her head to the side to sleep, so I have found squashing a soft toy/blanket/whatever either side of her head helps her burrow into them and fall asleep.
• She has a dummy, so that's pivotal!
• Sometimes I need to push the pram back and forth in the hallway with her in it until she is almost asleep, other times I can just put her in, put the toys either side of her face, pull the hood up and go.
• Patting her on the dummy whilst I replace her dummy 1234567890 times in her crib .

Sometimes she does whinge/cry for around 10/15 mins on and off depending on her mood (more so with crib or cradle than pram). I always give myself the target of 15 minutes and if she's not calm by then I pick her up and we go sort something else, or if she gets hysterical. It might be that you need to wait til DS is a bit older though as DD's only just been learning to do this over the last fortnight and even then it's deffo not perfect, sometimes she still sets off and I have to hold her, or we move from one thing to another and it takes like 90 minutes to get her to sleep :|

Oops, I meant bad about the sleeping!

Hi everyone!

Just a quick update from me . I did something amazing which I think we should all do!

On Wednesday I was so tired and stressed as DD was fighting sleep so was an overtired mess all day. I did the walking with the pram, the singing, everything. Then I thought to myself, you know what? This is really bloody hard, I am a good Mum and actually, I deserve a break.

So last night at 5pm I checked into a spa hotel down the road for one night, put a do not disturb sign on the door and ordered room service. Had the best sleep of my life.

I expressed loads of milk, DH was completely on board and DD cried a bit more than usual as she’s used to me at night. But she was FINE. He had the day off today so after breakfast in bed I arrived back home about 10.30am as they were getting back from rhyme time.

I felt no guilt whatsoever either she’s almost 5 months old now and I definitely was ready for a break. I feel like a new woman . Planning to do that every 6 months!

Ah Perfect that's amazing!!

Thanks all for the continued supportive words. My husband has some time off coming up so looking forward to a bit of a break in the relentless parenting.

Hi sweets, thanks for your post, I actually teared up a bit when I read it . I am deffo not someone who has trouble leaving DD with others for a break though - the problem is that nobody will have her because she's so difficult! DM will have her if she percieves there is a need (e.g. when I went to the dentist, when I went to see the nurse, etc), but not for me to just have a break. DH would have her on the weekends when he isn't studying, but there are certain jobs around the house that we can't get done at any other time (we moved a few months ago and there is still loads of unfinished jobs), and also I like for us three to occasionally do something together even if it's just 1hr to our local supermarket (as we did today!), so if I left her with him we'd never sort the house, or spend any time together. And nobody else will have her . Not that I blame them! She has significant stranger anxiety atm so is even worse with strangers. We popped over to DM's neighbours the other day (family friends), she took one look at them and started hysterically crying which she did on and off for the 45 mins we were there .

Peony Glad you had a rest! Unfortunately that's not something I can do primarily for financial reasons . But I also don't think I'd sleep properly on my own anyway. DH has said I can sleep in the spare room on Friday and Saturday nights if I want but I think I would just be even more anxious so haven't taken him on the offer. (I do have longstanding GAD.) DD slept til 8.45am on Saturday morning though, and then this morning DH got up with her about 8am and let me stay in bed til 10, so I am well-rested atm which is good, although she is up a lot in the night atm coughing as she's got a cold and is quite poorly . She is crying a lot as a result but then we are used to that and it's easier to deal with then you know why she's crying, i.e. she's unwell, you know? Hope everyone is doing ok.

Handsoffmysweets, that is the loveliest message. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I am definitely one of those on the edge. I know rationally that it won’t go on forever. It does feel like it. My toddler was also w monumentally shit sleeper (legendarily so, she was the benchmark for awfulness in my baby group), and she didn’t start sleeping through till she stopped napping in June, at 2.5. And still doesn’t consistently sleep through. I guess the thought of that is influencing my despair at the moment. It just feels an impossible amount of time. He’s only 15 weeks now and that’s felt like a lifetime.

Peony, that sounds incredible. Hotel stays alone are one of my favourite things. I go to conferences occasionally as part of my work, and the hotel room is the best bit. Ordering room service and watching crap telly in bed on my own is my idea of actual heaven. Jealous!!

Meadow, that is sound sleep advice, and we already do some of it. The main issue is that he can’t seem to link sleep cycles unless he’s lying on me. So I can put him down, but it’ll only ever last 30 minutes or so, and won’t resettle with shush pat or even feeding.Then he’s an overtired mess within 30 minutes of getting up. I’m hoping he’ll get better with time. I actually can’t wait till he’s older.

WTF, I hope you find a way to stop breastfeeding soon, if it’s causing you so much stress. It’s tricky if she hates the formula. You poor thing. I think you can nightwean from 6 months though, if you haven’t already? That helped me loads last time around, though I didn’t do it till 13 months as I was so stupidly anxious.

We’ve had an ok weekend here. My mum took my toddler overnight last night. Of course that just means my husband had a break, though to be fair, she’s such hard going at the moment with the tantrums, he did need it. He went golfing this morning, which obviously I felt insanely resentful of since that’s the fifth time he’s had since DS was born (as well as three nights out). I hate the pettiness, but it’s so hard not to bitterly keep note of ‘breaks’ (I’ve had two hours away at a work meeting, for the record. Sigh.) But still. It was infinitely easier only having one child to deal with.

Totally agree about breaks bad I've been thinking of changing career so have been working on a job application that had a deadline of today. I started it two weeks ago and it took me two hours to complete in total probably. Which means I have literally had two cumulative hours to myself in two weeks. My husband gets an hour a day on his commute alone! So hard not to feel trapped and resentful, and so awful to not want to spend time with him but to spend time alone when the opportunity arises.

Bad I know this isn't helpful but unfortunately some babies are just awful sleepers and they probably turn into adults who are awful sleepers - like me. I didn't consistently sleep through the night until I was 5, a few months after I started school . And I've always had problems with my sleep. I think it's genetic. My poor parents. Wrt DS linking sleep cycles - ah, I think that's age-related/developmental and will come with time. I read one of the sleep consultants on an AMA thread on here said that most babies can do this from around 5 months old, DD is 5 months and only about a fortnight ago did she start doing this, and it's still not 100% consistent, she still does lots of 30 min cat naps but she has started having a good 1-2 hour nap once or twice a day most days, gradually becoming more frequent over the last 2/3 weeks. So hang in here, it's probably just a bit more time they need . I know it is so hard though and the time seems to drag! Also I've found once she hit 4 months that has been a turning point for us. The last month has gone faster than any time since before she was born. The last few weeks have actually gone fast. Before 4 months every single fucking day dragged. on. and. on. Sorry for my language! But now sometimes the days can be a bit slow especially if stuck at home a lot on my own but I try to keep as busy as possible and the weeks go by quite quickly. I'm not saying 4 months will be some magic turnaround for you but here's hoping that things will start to improve soon . Actually one last thought about sleep, does he sleep in the pram? (Sorry I get so confused about who has said what before!) Or sling/carrier/car? Because if so, something you could do that I used to do sometimes is wait for them to wait from their catnap, then immediately put in carrier/car/pram and go out for a bit, might scream for a few mins at first but DD used to go back off to sleep again with the movement. Obv not as ideal as one nice long nap but better that they get the sleep. Just a thought.

I think we are all on exactly the same page with resenting our partners!! Tho idk about your partners but mine I know if I suggest or say "I'm going to do x, you need to look after her" he'd just go "sure honey" and let me get on with it. He just hasn't thought to offer before which in itself is upsetting! But we are having a lot of frank talks about this kind of thing over the last few weeks and I think he is starting to feel bad and being a bit more proactive in actually offering me breaks/whatever which even if I don't take them, helps me psychologically I think. This is the first weekend we've actually spent the time properly together to do stuff (just sorting out chores and things at home, nothing nice sigh) because the last few weekends he spent most of the days working on an essay for uni so I was still doing the childcare on my own most of that time. But now he is 'back' it feels better. Hope you get that job WTF. I am going to be applying for jobs in the new year as mine pays terrible, but same sector (legal). I am also going to spend DH's uni holidays near Xmas applying for solicitor training contract !

Sounds like everyone is very tired and also having lots of trouble with naps/ sleep!

Bad, the fighting naps is very similar to the problems we are having. Some days I start naps a few hours after she wakes up and I will literally be trying to get her to sleep for hours- pram/ feed/ pram repeat. It’s actually better when we are out, we went shopping at the weekend and she just napped in the pram. In the week though I like to mostly be at home so have to make an effort to put her down for naps at the correct time.

WTF, I hope the job application goes well. Well done for getting it in! I have some studying to do (I work in financial sector) to open a few opportunities for when I go back... but just can’t seem to get it done. My head is just like baby baby baby!

Meadow, I know it must be rubbish when he doesn’t offer. I’m sure it’s not intentional though, some people are just better at being told what to do rather than organising? I am getting better at saying ‘I need you to help me’ rather than ‘why aren’t you helping?’- it can be very easy to end up resentful. I’m glad you’ve had a chance to spend some quality time as a family.

Back to co sleeping last night. I gave up putting her back in her cot at 11pm. This sounds stupid- but to those who don’t co sleep. How do you get them down? Do you just persevere and keep putting them back in their cot? I think this is what I need to do but I’m too lazy really!

Peony We've never really co-slept, but she only fed in the night consistently til 8 weeks so we've had it really easy on that front. Those first 8 weeks were awful, I really struggle with lack of sleep, idk how we'll cope with baby no.2 in future as I highly doubt we'll get that lucky twice! At that age she would fall asleep feeding and I'd wait 10 minutes or so to make sure she was in a proper sleep then put her in the crib. She would sometimes wake, I'd try dummy, if she still woke I'd offer the other breast if she'd only fed off one til she was asleep and try again, sometimes the same thing would happen, try dummy, if she still wouldn't go to sleep then I'd wake DH up in despair and he'd usually bounce her on the exercise ball until she was asleep whilst I went back to bed and then try again. On bad nights this process could take a couple of hours. Idk what it would be like with an older baby? though?

I can get her to sleep in her own cot at the start of the night. Like last night, fed to sleep in my bed and kept moving her until she stayed asleep in her cot. So she got to sleep about 7.30-8 (it took and hour!)

Then she woke up at 11pm, when I’d just got to sleep. I couldn’t be bothered to do it all again so I just kicked DH out of my bed and brought her in with me. We have a king bed but I’m worried about her falling off because she is so fidgety during the night.

I think I will relax until she is 6 months then I’m going to make it my mission to move her over. Considering introducing formula or expressed milk soon- she keeps biting me (luckily she has no teeth yet) but it really hurts!

Have you tried a dream-feed? Idk if that might help extend the time she is in her cot, because it will be like putting her to bed again, which you do successfully on an evening? What kind of cot is she in? But yeah I think just do whatever works best for you atm, if that is co-sleeping then just go with it, I'm a firm believer in doing whatever makes your life easier!

I need to try dream feed. Maybe I will tonight as DH is away with work. It’s the thought of her not going back to sleep though! And I tend to go to bed really early at the moment in case she doesn’t sleep!

I will try and report back ha. Hope you have a good day!

Have had a terrible day. She hasn't been this bad in probs around 6 weeks. Crying almost all the time she's been awake today, with lots of bouts of full-on ragey screaming. She is unwell with a cold so I'm telling myself it's that, but it's just a throwback to how she used to be all the time. I've been really struggling, feeling so low, shouting at her (well not really at her, more just out in frustration tbh but still), thinking I wish we'd never had her and imagining what my life would be like if we hadn't decided to ttc...I do love her (I think??) and when she's happier I start to enjoy spending time with her but it is so so hard when she's like this.

Oh meadow I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day. Yes you do love her! You just don’t like her sometimes. We’ve had a similar day. I think it’s a Monday thing where she is really overtired from the weekend.

My way of coping atm (this is gonna sound really weird) is imaging myself shouting at her while she is crying. Then I count to ten and decide it will achieve nothing. I imagine there is a tv crew following me around and I put on my Mummy voice and do the ‘shhh it’s okay’ etc. etc. then keep counting until I calm down!

We are human and nobody likes the sound of a baby crying. Have you read the book ‘The unmumsy Mum’ - I got it from my local library! She says what we are all thinking, about missing your old life and stuff

Ugh today is the same again. Screaming all the time. And I can't take her anywhere because I can't take her to baby groups cos she's ill so I don't want to make all the other babies ill, and then it's really cold and pissing it down all the time so I can't just go on walks either especially with her being ill. It's so grim. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to manage another 3 days of this until it's the weekend and DH is home. I'm just crying all the time . It's like we've just gone back in time 2 months, she learned to sleep with minimal intervention and now she won't, she's just screaming all the time and then waking after 20 minutes and screaming for another hour etc. She's trying to nod off now in the pram after screaming for about 45 minutes after waking up from a 20 minute nap, that she screamed for an hour before that too . The tv crew thing is actually helping me a little Peony although I find that I'm crying even more to compensate for the lack of shouting. But that's better at least I don't feel so much guilt. When do they know if you're sad? Because I don't want to emotionally damage her with all my crying. I will ask the library for the book, I will probably go next week sometime as I just went yesterday to get some books for DD.

Oh dear I haven’t been out to any groups this week either, I just can’t face it.

How old if your daughter now meadow? DD is coming up to 5 months and her sleeping is getting worse and worse. She’s up every 45mins-2 hours. I probably got 4 hours sleep last night, don’t know how much more of this I can take. We are getting the screaming too, I think I made it worse by eating some pizza. So going back to cutting out dairy.

I’m going try a later bedtime tonight, as putting her down at 7 doesn’t work. By 11pm she’d woken up 3 times. Also going to try baby rice, I’ve never had a big milk supply- never needed to wear breast pads or anything. So I wonder if she’s hungry? She has plenty of wet nappies and isn’t underweight.

You won’t emotionally damage your baby, I cry in front of her all the time. This morning I put her down, she started crying and I said a stern ‘no’ and she stopped, then laughed at me! If she’s like this now she’s probably going to be horrific as a toddler.

Never again, DD will 100% be an only child.

Do you think you need to go to the GP meadow? I know everyone says it but if you’re crying a lot it may help- but obviously so would a decent nights sleep! I had to get DH to take over last night, as DD screamed for hours. I feel your pain

Sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time Meadow my husband's nights this week and neither of mine will sleep so I've gone from having 20 minutes to myself a night to absolutely none. I have to lie down with both of them in my bed at about 10 to have any chance at sleep, and then I only manage about 3-4 hours through the night as they both wake each other up at least it's just one week I suppose.

I have got an interview for the job I applied for though somehow!! Financially I'm not sure how we'd work it if I were successful but just the experience of an interview would be good for me I think. When I'm going to prepare, I don't know!

Today has been a bit better, PHEW. The morning was tough still but afternoon a lot better, she seems to be starting to recover a bit from her cold too which I guess is helping, DM came over and helped for an hour this afternoon and DH was back home at 5pm, so an easier day. I spoke to The Big Boss about my flexible working application and it's been approved so I am going to be having Fridays off now too. I'm still ideally hoping to move jobs instead of going back there as I am massively underpaid, but the weighing-up of potential future offers will be even tougher now that they've granted me this because I really want to only work 4 days a week to spend more time with DD. Do you know how when I start applying for other jobs in the new year, should I only apply to things that explicitly state that they'll consider PT/flexible working or just apply for anything and then bring it up if I get an offer? I just don't want to waste everyone's time in those situations but also aware that if I was the right candidate, they might be able to arrange something, whereas if I ask up-front, it might put people off before they get a chance to know me and my skill-set properly?

Congrats WTF on the job interview! You're BF, right? Could you read stuff to prep whilst feeding? I hope this week isn't too awful for you, get as much rest as you can, it sounds really tough, you're doing a great job and you're really brave and I'm sure you don't realise at all how well you are doing, it must be so hard with 2, I can barely manage with one!! I think you are amazing!

Peony One time when DD was particularly bad, crying because she couldn't sleep, I started crying a bit hysterically and she stopped crying and started laughing at me . It was horrible and I was thinking like you but to be honest they're babies and they don't understand, it's just the loud noises sometimes make them laugh I guess (DD laughs if I go 'BOO!' and stuff like that so). Yes my DD is 5 months. Her sleep went a bit 4-month-sleep-regressiony around the 4 month mark with hourly wake ups for a few nights in a row and then again a few nights later etc, it is still like that the odd night (especially not last night but the two nights before it when her cough was really bad) but generally she only wakes about 2/3 times now, it has settled down again. But that's from like 10/11pm as we don't put her properly to bed til then, after what other people would call a dream-feed (although we tend to change her nappy and into PJs then too so not really a dream feed). I don't think she is hungry if she's gaining, some people just aren't very leaky. I'm not sure the food will do much because I've read that the quantities that eat at this age are so small and not as calorific as milk by the same volume iyswim? We want at least one more as I don't want DD to be an only child but I'm thinking of 4/5yr age gap, but my career aspirations mean that we will probably have to struggle through it within the next couple of years or have a 6yr+ gap so not sure what we are going to do. I saw the GP about 6 weeks ago and he just wanted to put me on anti-Ds which I don't want to do.

I’m glad you will be getting your 4 days! It will work really well and you can spend some quality time together. That’s good that her cold is getting better too, it’s horrible when they’re ill.

I have had the worst morning ever. Not because she’s been crying or anything though! It’s all my fault this time.

DD was in the middle of the spare bed as I was doing my makeup, I left the room to get something and in that split second she’d rolled off the bed and hit her head on the wardrobe! Scariest thing I have ever experienced. I feel terrible. Went to GP and she is absolutely fine (FYI if they get a bump and cry straight away that is a good sign!).

She is having a nap now and I think we will try to get to our baby group. Never felt so guilty in my life.

Meadow, I tried dream feeding which didn’t work. But last night I just let her go to bed at 9pm and she only woke up 2/3 times (sounds bad but it’s an improvement!). So I’m thinking maybe she just can’t do a 7pm bedtime yet.

WTF good luck with your interview!

We had been doing better, and then this week he is so cryey again. 5.5 months old. Nothing is making him happy. This too shall pass this too shall pass.

I can't help but compare him to other babies who seem so chilled out. I can't leave him for a minute and even with constant entertainment he's generally so grumpy and cries at the slightest thing. I'm 99% sure it's nothing medical, having tried ranitidine and cutting dairy in the past, I think it's just temperament. He seems so easily overwhelmed and upset by things. What if he never grows out of it though... What if this is just how he'll always be. I have to remind myself though, how he used to just constantly scream and how far we've come, but really he has brought me to my knees so many times.

And I know it's not his fault. He's just a baby. But I wish he'd just be calm.

Hi Haz! Sorry so hear you’re having a hard time.

How are his naps/ sleep? Could it be that he’s overtired a lot. We have gone through phases recently where DD can only stay awake for 1.5 hours at a time. I think it’s a growth spurt.

DD is loads better than she was but it’s still hard when she has bad days. I think my mind has blanked out the colic crying! Hang in there if you can get through that you can get through this.

He can only stay awake a maximum of 2 hours without having an absolute meltdown, so is always down for a nap around 1.5hrs. He only catnaps though, no matter what I do, so ends up on about 5 naps a day! He has just this week (touch wood) actually starting to have a good sleep at night with only 1-2 wake ups, was hoping that might have an impact but alas no. I might try quitting dairy again.