what can you say to a new age man who loses his temper, marches upstairs and slaps his 7 year old

[nonymous]

hard enough that i could hear it downstairs. he is a loving father and is non-violent. neither of us object to smacking but it is a very rare thing.

what bothers me is that this was after the argument. ds was in the wrong. but dp suddenly flipped and stormed upstairs shouted at him and punctuatied it with 3 slaps.

i spoke to them both. dp still raving
got them both to say sorry
but need to make dp understand that we all lose our tempers but he wa sin the wrong to lose it to that extent because it was after the argument so ds wouldn't have understood why he suddenlty got so cross.

and before the anti-smacking comes on and starts going ott, please think before you type, i am looking for advice of the kind of points i can make not your contempt

I would like to be able to be supportive here but I feel gagged tbh. I think it's off of you to post that your dp marched upstairs and slapped his 7yo 3 times, loud enough to be heard downstairs - that was your description and you sounded unhappy about it - and then to react defensively towards any posts which show disapproval of this behaviour. Did you think we would all say "Oh well, no harm done"? Frankly, no, it isn't OK, it's appalling and I think you know it. If you didn't want to hear it, you shouldn't have posted.

Poor dp. No TV.

No what I meant was that people do lose it and everyone jumping in and saying 'this is terrible' isn't massively helpful. Nony asked for advice, rather bravely, on what she should say to him NOT as to whether this was a good or bad thing to do.

So advice, is needed I think. When I say strategies Nony, I mean giving him another 'line' to say when flash situations happen. It helps. Remind him there is a back up plan

oh I see, so people who really do have problems that could be sorted by talking and discussing and reaching conclusions, people who would appreciate the advice of others in how to phrase this discussion. These parents shouldn't post if they actually want help then? is that what you're saying?

or should they only post if they are happy to consider breaking up a normally happy family home becaues of unexpected behaviour from a partner, rather than try to fix what I have never for one moment said isn't a problem

this is such a judgemental site, it is becoming increaingly difficult to actually get advice when needed

thank you ahundredtimes for putting it so succinctly

yes, we tend to get a bit twitchy where battering children is concerned. Sorry about that.

I am sitting here looking for advice

I cannot use your dp is the devil or leave him

any other advice will be considered

he doesn't have any marks greensleeves, there was no lasting physical damage. we have had family discussions, apologies and hugs and a family outing. would you like to split up our family now?

Okay have spoken to dh. He says say this:

'It's absolutely not ok to hit ds. He will be scared of you now. You are the grown up and you must win his trust back. It is never to happen again. Now let's talk about what you can do next time you feel your blood begin to boil.'

Do you think that will help?

No, I wouldn't.

If I were in your position I would probably insist that we sit down together and have a proper, calm in-depth discussion about exactly what triggered the sudden release of such abger and what strategies could be put in place to prevent it happening again. I would want to impress upon dp that this is not just parental discipline, it is violence, and it deserves to be taken seriously and measures taken to stop it from ever occuring again. Perhaps something like: if dp is angry or tense after a conflict, he leaves the house for half an hour and you take the reins with ds. I don't know.

It's HARD to give sensible advice when something is so appalling and emotive, though. And I take very badly to OPs which seem to be saying "only say what I want you to say please".

thank you for that greensleeves, that is useful advice

I don't care if you take offence at my op I am having a problem i never expected to have so i don't want to be jumped on but helped.

and thanks to ahundredtimes dh too - that is a good phrasing

he is my partner and i do not want to be put in the role of counsellor or mother to him so it is a fine line to tread

Greeny, it is never HARD to give sensible advice. It is especially important to give fair and unemotional advice over situations such as this. It didn't happen to you, I don't suppose you want it to happen again, so let's find ways to help nony out.

Hmm. No you need to call him on it Nony, he IS your partner but he stepped over the line and he needs you to tell him. Is what partnering is all about.

I think you have to remember we are people behind the screens as well nony, and for many of us this is a particularly emotive subject

you are going to get some reactions along with the advice, perhaps after giving a reaction and feeling that it has been heard, people will feel more able to be constructive?

speccy pleas remember there is a mother on the other end of this screen who is feelign incredibly fragile

"it is never HARD to give sensible advice"

good lord speak for yourself 100x

Nony how does he tend to react if you offer advice or criticism?

I don't think I would want advice from someone who trusted themselves so utterly and never found it hard to be objective, 100

I am trying to be helpful nony, of course your family shouldn't split up over it. You have to have a bit of patience with the rest of us too though if you want honest thought-out advice.

I cross-posted with you frannyandzooey, you are right we are all people. But this is an immediate problem I am going through with MY family and am emotionally invested in it to the point of tears. Others may come along with their baggage and wish to condemn. I only ask that they think twice about the person behind the problem. i am acepting we have a problme and i am open to consturctive advice. i am not open to people saying leave him

I rather suspect that as far as Nony is concerned it is all over and done with. They've had their family day out, everyone is friends again and it is difficult to pull her DP up on his unreasonable behaviour, because afterall she doesn't want to become his counsellor or mother

Where in all of this has Nony talked about what her child needs? Her consideration of his needs is conspicuous by its absence.

Nony what happens if you talk about his behaviour?

well frannyandzoe when i called him on it today he was still riled, i didn't pick my moment but waded straight in and we shouted at each other for a bit out of hearing of ds.and then he calmed down and agreed it was a proiblem and apologised to ds, and ds apologised to him. We have spoken as a family about making the right choices and that everyone makes mistakes but that daddy should not have hit him. we have agreed as a fmily to all try harder and then we went out and had a nice afternon cycling in the park.

i think dp and i need to discuss again tonight though

soapbox please back away you are not being helpful at all

If you have new age man, who loses his temper once in a blue moon, then I would tell him that you think that you feel his behaviour was unacceptable and forgive him.

Suggesting that you seperate from the father of your child for one mistake is totally over the top.

The child abuse that child suffer in divorce cases is worse than 3 slaps. Obviously if your partner is violent on a regular basis then its a different matter.

Husbands are not perfect, but neither are wives or children. Within reason accepting each other's mistakes is what makes relationships work.