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Parenting

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Original poster

what can you say to a new age man who loses his temper, marches upstairs and slaps his 7 year old

131 replies

nonymous · 09/06/2007 14:56

hard enough that i could hear it downstairs. he is a loving father and is non-violent. neither of us object to smacking but it is a very rare thing.

what bothers me is that this was after the argument. ds was in the wrong. but dp suddenly flipped and stormed upstairs shouted at him and punctuatied it with 3 slaps.

i spoke to them both. dp still raving
got them both to say sorry
but need to make dp understand that we all lose our tempers but he wa sin the wrong to lose it to that extent because it was after the argument so ds wouldn't have understood why he suddenlty got so cross.

and before the anti-smacking comes on and starts going ott, please think before you type, i am looking for advice of the kind of points i can make not your contempt

OP posts:

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fillyjonk · 09/06/2007 15:51

yep i went through this with my dad

i can tell you more but i don't think you want to hear it

remember, your ds is a child. It doesn't matter how annoying he is. To hit ANYONE so loud that it can be heard downstairs is not ok. Actually its probably illegal

I understand that you don't want to hear this and I am actually writing a rather restrained post. And I understand that its hard. But really, you have a problem on your hands here, if not now then in 10, 15 years time. Sorry.

Best of luck

fillyjonk · 09/06/2007 15:53

your ds WILL act normal, btw

that is what he knows

hw wants your dp's approval and doens't want to rock the boat. He is probably also scared.

that is what kids are like, that is what they DO if they are afraid of parental disaproval, if their parents have just shocked them by hitting them or similar and they and want to win it back.

I know this because I have been a child in this situation. And I can't, in all conscience, not tell you this.

lucyellensmum · 09/06/2007 15:55

in an ideal world, i am anti smacking and can't imagine smacking me DD2, i have tapped her leg once or twice when she has kicked me (she is 2) and i have been changing bum at time, but tbh she just thought it was funny and kicked me some more, so didnt work did it BUT, my 17yr old DD, well im afraid i have lost it with her on more than one occasion and have smacked her, hard enough to leave a mark, just wait til you have a teenager coming home steaming drunk etc etc etc.probably not the best way to handlle the situation at all but i lost it, simple as that. I used to feel the same way about smacking her as i did DD2.

My mum used to smack me, my dad only ever on rare occasions where there was nothing else for it (like the day when i was 12 and lost my temper and put my head through a glass door - on purpose!). I love my parents deeply and they were GOOD loving parents.

The original poster made it perfectly clear that she didnt want a smacking debate, begs whe q why open the thread on MN then? She also doesnt say what the argument was about, which may shed some light on the situation, we all know that our kids can try our patience to the extreme. I think it is sad that her DP "lost it" as it were, but my parents only ever smacked me when they lost it too. I bet her DP feels shitty, i bet she feels shitty and the boy feels shitty, i think that parents should say that sorry tempers were lost but explain why and maybe the son will understand that Daddy wasnt smacking because he was angry with him as a person, just with what he had done, attitude etc etc. I definately do not think he should be villified for disciplining his child. Wouldnt we all like to be perfect parents who never raise a hand to our children, wouldnt we just.

So i'll just sit and wait to be slated as a bad parent now. But my point to the OP is this, your partner was not being violent, he was being a parent, i know exactly why he did this after the argument, and im sorry but really, a 7 year old should not be "arguing" with his parent, that is probably what made him so cross in the first place. Again, ideal world, its good that 7 year old confident enough to argue his case but also has to learn that in life one sometimes, not always, has to give in.

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Speccy · 09/06/2007 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janeite · 09/06/2007 16:01

Bravo Lucyellensmum. What an honest post. I think once the op's dp has calmed down and they've all had a nice normalish time on their outing, he should apologise to his son again but explain that he was annoyed because of x, y and z about son's behaviour and that, whilst that doesn't excuse the slap, it places it in context. Perhaps they'll both think more carefully then, next time there's an argument?

janeite · 09/06/2007 16:02

By "both" I mean the son and his father, not the op.

BarbieLovesKen · 09/06/2007 16:06

I think its really unfair of you to say

"get a grip of the 'leave him' comments, that's patently ridiculous"

you have asked for advice or opinions and thats all I was doing! - offering my opinion and/or what I would do in your situation because I was worried for you. Just being honest. I dont see for one second how its ridiculous! If I were in that situation, I would not be in the same room with anyone again(dont care who they are!) who layed a violent hand on my child.

lucyellensmum · 09/06/2007 16:08

what you do not say here is where DP smacked DS and why. If it was on the bottom then it is acceptable, anywhere else and he needs to think twice. None of us are perfect though, i certainly dont think you should leave DP. Was this the first time he lashed out? If so, maybe he is under stress from another source? Has he said how he feels about it? I would maybe just say that if he feels he is going to lose it, then to pass the situation over to you, back up whatever each other has said as kids are great at playing one parent off the other, my dd is completely transparent when it comes to that. As for it being heard downstairs, i reckon a play slap might be heard downstairs, but if op feels it was too hard then it might have been, i dont know, this is difficult.

FrannyandZooey · 09/06/2007 16:14

Ah Filly I am the beanpole and dp is the bulldozer

and unpredictability is a cardinal sin in Franny's Book of Happy Families

fillyjonk · 09/06/2007 16:16

franny i do not think we are wanted on this thread

I do see your point, I agree, dp would UTTERLY agree (oooh he does NOT like unpredictability)

I am rather that this behaviour can be normalised, tbh.

ah well, off to eat cheese as befits a bulldozer

FrannyandZooey · 09/06/2007 16:19

I am sorry Filly I would imagine this has dredged a few things up for you

OP, good luck with it all, and I hope you can resolve this somehoe

fillyjonk · 09/06/2007 16:22

ah no, spent years getting drunk and falling in love with sofas, am sorted

but i know what its like to be the kid here. i am sorry if that is uncomfortable reading but i DO.

kimi · 09/06/2007 16:22

I am not anti smacking, but I do think there is a massive difference between smacking and smacking out of anger.

Also if it was after the argument did the child know what he had done to get a smack, or did he just know he was getting smacked?

edam · 09/06/2007 16:25

I think you need to sit down and have a calm but firm, very serious conversation with dp. He needs to recognise that his behaviour was unacceptable - way beyond 'normal'. He is a grown up and should act like one. Seven year olds are annoying sometimes. So are adults, but he wouldn't expect to get away with hitting an adult. Your son shouldn't be held responsible for the behaviour of a violent adult - and at that moment, your dp was violent.

Dp needs to accept that he has to get a handle on his temper - blows that can be heard from another floor of the house are downright wrong and illegal. If he'd done this to an adult, he'd be expecting a call from the cops.

So, you both need to sort out how dp can change his behaviour so he keeps a lid on his temper, recognises the triggers and goes off somewhere else when he feels himself losing it to the extent of getting violent - much like the advice in the red book about not shaking babies ie put the child somewhere safe and go off into another room until you've regained control of yourself. Go to the library or a bookshop and get some books on anger management.

saadia · 09/06/2007 16:35

Agree with singingmum, something along the lines of "you must be feeling bad about what happened" and give him a chance to admit that he shouldn't have done it. Maybe discuss other forms of discipline.

AbRoller · 09/06/2007 16:44

I have a confession - I am absolutely anti-smacking since my mother deemed it to be an everyday reaction and punishment to anything bold or irritating and I smacked my child 4 years ago leaving a mark. I have never forgiven myself. I had never hit her before and never since but I know it can happen.

There is a world of difference between smacking for everything under the sun and loosing it as happened me and obviously your dp today but it is still wrong IMO and IME. It is deeply humiliating to be hit whether you are a child or not. Think about it - apart from the shock of violent physical contact from another how humiliating it would be for you to be struck so hard by anyone else.

I am not coming down hard on you or your dp - I'm in a glass house (!) but I would really suggest besides the apology that he explains to your ds that he was VERY wrong for what he did and it will NEVER happen again. DS will understand and learn from the courage it takes a grown man to admit he made a mistake.

best of luck to you and your family

Original poster

nonymous · 09/06/2007 18:06

I have not tried to justify it anyweher - i have asked people for advice because we need it - because this is a situation i didn't expect and my lovinug, kind, sensitive dp didn't expect either. that is why the leave him advice is patently absurd.

fillyjonk I am sorry for your history but please don't let it coulour your valuable advice here. we were both hit as children, it was a normal part of growing up, neither of us has any bad feelings towards it although we would like to choose not to smack our children we are not adamantly opposted to it

i am not justifying the initial situation it was wrong, i don't go back on that. But we are a loving family raising confident kids who can be total brats. I think that lucyellensmum has it spot on and would like to thank her for the understanding

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 09/06/2007 18:09

Sorry, haven't read all the thread. I'd say to him 'it happens to the best of us. Raising kids is bloody hard work and sometimes they get to you and you crack. Don't worry, apologise. Move on. Is not the end of the world. Let's talk strategies incase this situation comes up again. And then I'd say, go and have a drink. This is MEANT to be difficult'.

Right now I'll go read thread.

soapbox · 09/06/2007 18:11

So you asked for advice, but only liked the one poster who said 'it's okay' and ignore all the others who have said this is serious!

So you didn;t really want advice at all - you just wanted to be told it was okay.

Well it isn't - it really is far off of being okay!

ahundredtimes · 09/06/2007 18:12

No it's okay Soapy, is totally understandable. He lost it. It happens. It isn't the end of the world.

Original poster

nonymous · 09/06/2007 18:13

i asked for advice on how to deal with the situation. i specifically asked that those who are adamantly opposed to smacking would not go OTT. of course I'll ignore any advice that says leave him - its patently OTT and ridiculous. if you have any advice about how to discuss this then fair enough

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 09/06/2007 18:15

Strategies nony. I bet he feels very bad about it, so I wouldn't go for the moral high ground. I'd say 'you got really cross and that was awful and you shouldn't hit him like that EVER. What's the best way to avoid it again? We could say, okay if you do it again then there's no TV for a week.'

ScummyMummy · 09/06/2007 18:16

I just asked my 8 year olds what I should do if their dad lost it and hit them hard 3 times. They said 'Tell him he's a bastard and dump him."

FrannyandZooey · 09/06/2007 18:17

No tv for dp for a week if he hits ds again?

Your methods are unorthodox 100x but they might just work

FrannyandZooey · 09/06/2007 18:19

As said earlier I would find this scary and difficult, but I do have sympathy

I lost it on Friday and screamed and shouted at ds

he said "mummy I am scared"

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