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Parenting

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Original poster

Too rough with newborn - need advice

147 replies

Tommy1980 · 07/09/2018 23:13

Hi - Im the Father of a 2-month old preemie. He was born 3lbs but is now 6. I love him to bits, he is amazing!

I work from home and so share all responsibilities with my partner if I’m quiet. At night I look after him in first part of evening so my partner can sleep. It is during this time I start getting stressed and angry with my son when he is crying / grizzly / squirmy. I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person but not violent in any way and it’s so out of character for me to behave like this with a tiny baby that doesn’t know any better. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.

Any relaxation techniques someone could recommend? Ive toyed with the idea of seeing someone to talk it through. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m shaking my baby wildly or hitting him etc - it’s not that - it’s just this urge to be rougher than I should. It’s such a weird feeling.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and she is being very understanding and says it’s a challenging thing to deal with an shes glad Im being honest with her. I’m glad to say she’s still OK with leaving me alone with him - the idea of her being too scared to leave us alone is just awful. She’s said if I feel that I’m not in control to wake her up and hand him over.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Heratnumber7 · 07/09/2018 23:22

I remember calling DH once when DD was a baby. It was one of the first times he'd gone out after DS was born. I was at the end of my tether, and really frightened that I was going to hurt the baby - he wouldn't stop grizzling and whinging.
DH said he'd never driven so fast before or since.

That's not much help, but at least you know you're not alone. Have you tried taking the baby out in the car? It usually calms them down.
My other trick was to put the baby in front of the washing machine and turn it on. Always stopped him crying.

LauraMipsum · 07/09/2018 23:30

Seeing someone isn't a bad idea.

I don't think it's uncommon to feel a surge of frustration with babies, but what is not acceptable or common is acting on that - even if it's just shoving a dummy in. I also think the surge of frustration comes not from the baby's behaviour (come on, at 2 months they don't have behaviour!) but at yourself. Turn away and give yourself the 30 second pep talk you'd give a friend: the baby is not being personal, you're doing well, they don't come with instructions.

Baby in bouncer, parent in shower with baby in bouncer in the bathroom is a good de-stress option too. Mine used to stop crying and watch in apparent wonder if I had a shower!

Iggity · 07/09/2018 23:34

A six pound baby is tiny and one that was premature is even more vulnerable. What you have described sounds violent to me. stuffing a dummy in his mouth?

I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

BigBlueBubble · 07/09/2018 23:36

Is it an urge or have you actually done these things? Forcibly restraining a child or forcing something in his mouth is terrible. You need to take a step back and hand him to the other parent if you get the urge to hurt him. And definitely seek help to understand why you feel this urge to hurt your child.

Somerville · 07/09/2018 23:37

Have you just had the urge to do those things,l to your 6 pound baby or have you actually done them??

Rednaxela · 07/09/2018 23:40

Don't try to carry on if you feel that way. It's really good you have noticed the feelings in the moment. That gives you the opportunity to wake your partner up for support.

Original poster

Tommy1980 · 07/09/2018 23:40

Thanks for your advice. I don’t have a car and don’t think driving at night in that state would be a good idea - but thanks again.

OP posts:

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:41

Yea You need to leave the house for the baby's safety and get some help.

Original poster

Tommy1980 · 07/09/2018 23:45

Thanks LauraMipsum - good advice to take a step back / take a breath. If nothing improves or I have to hand him to my partner I will go and see someone for sure. Thanks again

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 07/09/2018 23:45

You need to go to the GP. You are simply not coping.

You are not coping with caring for an absolutely normal newborn.

If a mother couldn't cope, she would go to the GP and say so.

You have to as well. You have to be open to any and all recommendations. This is a completely helpless child who cannot stop you being forceful.

You have to man up and ask for some help to cope.

Kids don't get easier. They get worse. You have to sort this NOW.

Or leave.

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:50

You really can't wait for things to improve. You are acting on these thoughts already and admit you are highly-strung and emotional. It only takes a second of loss of control to cause terrible harm to such a tiny baby. You cannot minimise this or downplay it. This is really very serious.

Frazzledkate · 07/09/2018 23:52

I have to say I don't agree at all that they don't get easier. At all. 2 months is just about the worst, the height of purple crying. It does get easier.

I just couldn't cope at all with newborn crying. My oh had to step up and take more than his fair share of parenting a newborn, despite me breastfeeding. That terrible crying did something to me. It's good you're trying to do your fair share but your oh may just have to do more if you're really struggling. For what it's worth, from a year onwards, I love my kids and am a brill mum. You may find being a dad easier soon. Speak up and admit how much you're struggling. It will get easier.

Pastaagain78 · 07/09/2018 23:52

Having a new baby is stressful and a premature one is incredibly stressful. You may well have some PTSD and anxiety. Go to the doctors to talk about it. Seeking help isn’t going to get you into trouble it’s being proactive. Are you doing these rough things or having the urge to do them but are able to walk away?

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:52

If I was your wife and I knew you were not coping and being rough, I would not be leaving you alone. You need help now.

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:53

The OP reads to me that he is already rough.

Frazzledkate · 07/09/2018 23:55

Also, so fed up of reading comments on mumsmet giving advice for mums to leave their partners (or the other way round). Ffs, the 8deal is for kids to have two parents. It's no good quitting the instant things get tough. It's about hanging in there and communicating and helping each other through the tough times. Of which having a newborn is one.

curlykaren · 07/09/2018 23:56

I don't think your feelings are hugely unusual, women have certainly made similar comments previously on these boards. The usual advice is to see a doctor in case there is underlying depression, make sure that both you and your partner are getting adequate rest and to communicate. For what it's worth I think some people are far more troubled by lack of sleep than others, likewise a babies crying is more grating for some. All the best to you, well done for posting, be kind to yourself/partner, babies are fucking hard work.

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:57

Nobody is saying end a relationship frazzled. This is about the safety of a baby. The OP isn't coping, is being rough with a tiny baby and needs help.

PipeTheFuckDown · 08/09/2018 00:00

Also reads that he’s already rough.

My advice? Leave.

Swatsup · 08/09/2018 00:04

I disagree that it gets harder. I know some people that just didn’t get the tiny baby stage. As soon as they smile or react more they found it easier.

Honey2018 · 08/09/2018 00:08

I agree with curlykaren

You need to take a step back, talk to your partner and make a plan of action in regards to coping. Even if it means leaving short term. Talk to your GP/ health visitor.

It is not something widely talked about but I agree it is probably quite common to think this.

I never did anything physical but I’m so ashamed to admit that when I brought my daughter home, one night (maybe day 5) she’d cried non stop through the night and I shouted at my husband ‘I don’t fucking want her’- she’s 9 weeks old now and I feel so awful for ever saying that because it’s so far from the truth.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 00:10

ramming a dummy in ?

Original poster

Tommy1980 · 08/09/2018 00:10

Ok, thanks so much to everyone who has been kind, gentle and understanding. It wasn’t easy to admit there may be an issue here and I definitely think it is something I can work on and improve. I’m with the LO at the moment and trying to be far more mindful. I think some of it was to do with worrying about my partner waking up - as I want her to sleep and don’t want her thinking I can’t cope!

Much less thanks to people on here flying off the handle, telling me off, telling me I should leave, generally being melodramatic and telling me what I already know. It’s not helpful and I didn’t come on here to be told off. Also, you don’t know me - I’m an intelligent, kind, thoughtful person and have noticed a change in my behaviour. In hindsight perhaps Mumsnet wasnt the best place to share this.

OP posts:

snapple21 · 08/09/2018 00:11

Hi - I'm a midwife.

In our handheld notes we now provide for all families a leaflet entitled 'Don't shake your baby'.

It talks about coping strategies for situations as you describe which are very normal for newborn infants.

It's important to know that if you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, as long as you know baby is clean, fed, and warm, that it is perfectly ok to place them in a cot or Moses basket, any safe place, and step out of them room for five minutes to calm down and reset and get things in perspective.

Please talk to the GP or health visitor if you are struggling.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 00:12

Where would be a "better" place to share this ?

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