Too rough with newborn - need advice

[Tommy1980]

Hi - Im the Father of a 2-month old preemie. He was born 3lbs but is now 6. I love him to bits, he is amazing!

I work from home and so share all responsibilities with my partner if I’m quiet. At night I look after him in first part of evening so my partner can sleep. It is during this time I start getting stressed and angry with my son when he is crying / grizzly / squirmy. I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person but not violent in any way and it’s so out of character for me to behave like this with a tiny baby that doesn’t know any better. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.

Any relaxation techniques someone could recommend? Ive toyed with the idea of seeing someone to talk it through. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m shaking my baby wildly or hitting him etc - it’s not that - it’s just this urge to be rougher than I should. It’s such a weird feeling.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and she is being very understanding and says it’s a challenging thing to deal with an shes glad Im being honest with her. I’m glad to say she’s still OK with leaving me alone with him - the idea of her being too scared to leave us alone is just awful. She’s said if I feel that I’m not in control to wake her up and hand him over.

Any advice would be appreciated.

My DS was also a 3lb preemie. I think that after going through the NICU and SCBU, your nerves are completely shot and by the time you are discharged home, the emotional impact of the premature baby journey can leave you emotionally charged and your responses are more heightened than they might normally do. I definitely think talking to your GP or HV would be helpful. Or look through the Bliss website because there are links for support in dealing with the emotional impact of having a preemie. Please do speak with someone

Just another voice of support and comfort for you OP to try to offset the nasty posts.
You’ve been great to post here and your level of self awareness will only help shape you into a great Dad.
I know you want him to stop crying, but as so many others have said-that may not be possible. So your role is to be there for him and comfort as much as you can while he cries if necessary.
Music to listen to with a strong beat can help as you pace/rock...and a sling and evening walks are also good.
Make sure you also get rest- as you are working during the daytime too- so don’t overdo it.

Well done for acknowledging the problem. You need to deal with this now-babies are so fragile that it is dangerous for you to use any rough touch. Can you move out temporarily?
I felt like this with my first. I had PND. Could you have depression? You really need to be honest with your feelings and see a professional, or you could be coming on here saying you've killed your baby.
It really is that dangerous.

I assume those folk who equate me to the Bitch From Hell constantly lambasting vulnerable posters have reported me ?

Yet my posts still stand. Funny, that.

Ime babies cry unconsolably for a spell early evening - it's also when you are tired.
I found walking round holding them with their heads /ear on my chest, and singing helped. Am a terrible singer but felt the vibration of my voice soothes them.
Was your childhood relaxed, I think having angry DPs as a child makes it harder for me to accept something upsetting which is outside my control such as baby crying.

OP, go to Youtube.com and watch the video by a paediatrician called “This doctor has a trick to stop babies crying”.
It’s a simple technique and worth a try if you haven’t done so already!
I also agree with all the PPs who say to put the baby safely in his cot and walk out of the room until you feel calmer. Things will improve dramatically once baby is sleeping through the night and beginning to react to you and smile at you. Hang on in there!

Make sure you have some time to yourself - go for a walk or cycle. But when you have the baby learn to feel acceptance. Go with the flow. Pretend you’re on camera if that helps.

Ignore anyfucker.She gets a kick out of being spiteful to most people. Especially when they're feeling down.

Bollocks. AFs kindness and advice on the Relationships board has helped me and countless other people over the years. I've never known her to be spiteful, only blunt, and there's nothing wrong with that. The op has had lots of handholding and advice from others which I'm sure he's found terrifically validating helpful.

What’s wrong with validating a parent seeking help? This board is weird.

I think it's inappropriate to validate the described "rough handling" actions as normal or typical. The feelings of frustration and anger, perhaps, but not the actions.

@Tommy1980

What you are feeling is normal. It is how you deal with it that matters. Well done for asking for help.Babies have the ability to send the emotionally strongest person around the twist.

Firstly,try and figure out why he is being whingy.

Hungry? Don't presume that because you fed him an hour ago that he can't be hungry. He can because he is growing at a rate of knots. Try giving him more to drink.

Winded? He may have burped but may have a little bit left. A tip for you is to lie him down on his belly,with his legs out straight and rub his back gently. He may wriggle and squirm but that is fine. He will work that wind out.

Tired? Overtiredness can cause small people to get really cranky and they find it difficult to settle then.Swaddle him well and just hold him against you,gently patting his bum. Don't keep moving him around etc. Just sit there and he will drift off with the repetitive action. Slightly elevate his mattress too. It is far more comfortable than flat if he is having any digestive issues.

Nappy changed?Just double check.

Once all that is ticked off and he is till crying,walk away and take some time for yourself. Have some air or a cuppa,talk some sense into yourself and go back to him. If you can't calm yourself down,ask your partner for help.

Good luck.

Looking at my darling DS now aged 4.5 months it's horrifying to imagine that I shouted at him to 'shut the f*ck up' when he was just a few weeks old. But I did. Now realise he probably had some degree of reflux, and I despise myself for that behaviour.
You are not alone.
Lots of good advice earlier. You don't have to justify yourself to everyone on this thread (or even reply). Take the good advice as you find it.
It does get better!

MNHQ need to deal with Anyfuckers personal attack. It's unacceptable. Just because you're a long term poster doesn't make you untouchable or it shouldn't! We have posters being banned left right and centre for saying women don't have penises but calling a vulnerable parent a "manbaby" stands. Fuck that. Deal with MNHQ!

Each if you want to get shut of me you have a perfect opportunity.

AS me, baby.

Assassinated I don't anyone is validating rough actions. As I said it may be that he is perceiving himself being so much worse than he is and I think we've all been there.

I can remember when my son was a few days old I thought I got too close to a wall when walking through the kitchen (I was About a 30cm Ruler away) I cried for days that I almost bumped his head. I kept coming back to it and felt so guilty. - it could be that the OP is over analysing his behaviour the fact he's come to post here shows he is not a child abuser I doubt those who kill/harm their children analyse and reflect on their behaviours

Just reread the bit about serious harm.
ANY harm to a tiny baby is serious. Their tiny organs and brain, bones, skin. They are delicate. You really cannot ever be rough.
If you can't control it, you need to get out immediately. I get the impression you are minimising after reading all the comments.
You need to tell us, if they are JUST thoughts, or if you have ACTED on them, by the way you've said. You won't get in trouble but you need to be honest. If you were my husband I would not let you near the baby for not only the baby's sake, but yours. Having 37 years to yourself really isn't reason to resent and want to hurt a baby. And yes, being rough will hurt the baby.
I fucking hated mine at times, shouted at them to fucking shut up. Could have launched me and the pram under the nearest car, wanted to punch my toddler in the face for tantrumming. But I didn't, and I got help.
Raising kids is bloody hard work but you need to stand up and admit fault.

You know the more you stress and get agitated the more the baby is going to get upset, they pick up on your emotions. I had a premie and let need lots of skin to skin as they should still be in the comfort and protection of Mummys tummy. Plz remember newborn babies dnt cry for no reason they don't have the mentality to just cry like older babies. He will be needing your comfort as it could be many things, its very scary for a newborn baby.

I really don't know why the "I would never cause him serious harm" statement is being ignored or accepted.

Sorry but there's a big difference between feeling extremely frustrated and stressed at the baby crying and actually being rough with the baby. I've got a 10 month old and I've been so sleep deprived I can hardly function. I have never ever handled my baby roughly and never would.

I think you need help op. And if you were a woman I'd be saying exactly the same thing, it's nothing to do with you being a man.

You will end up harming your child if you continue this way, you're only two months in and already shoving dummies in his mouth and wrapping him too tightly??  it's wrong, and you need to seek support until you can cope with the crying from your baby.

Why are people having a go at @AnyFucker ?? I don't see that she has said anything out of line here.

If a Mum with PND said I have intrusive thoughts but I'd never cause baby serious harm. Would you pick up on the word serious and think she could cause some harm? Or just think it's a way of wording it because the things that are frightening her are serious.

OP seems scared in his first post so perhaps he's imagining himself doing something absolutely dreadful and that's why he said serious harm. Obviously I could be completely wrong and he could be a risk to his baby but I don't think someone will go was truly a risk would go looking for help. He is displaying good self awareness and normal new parent over worrying about everything you do.

OP, please appreciate we have no idea if you have just had thoughts of being rough with your tiny baby, or have actually been rough and even already caused pain/injuries. The critical posts are wholly justified, I think.

If you feel like this I’d recommend getting help from GP or HV...I’ve had the rage in the middle of the night when they wake you up for the 100th time. In my experience as the months go by and the tiredness has worn you down, they start teething, having sleep regressions, tantrums...it only gets more challenging. I’d suggest getting professional help to deal with the build up of frustration because IME it’s something you will urgently need. If you’ve been rough with such a small baby that is not normal and absolutely must stop.

Small baby crying can be awful, even normal crying and I totally get where you are coming from. Well done for recognising it isn't acceptable and seeking help.

First do see your gp or speak to your health visitor if they are nice. Dad's can get pnd too. They will have seen it before and should be able to help.

In the mean time put strategies in place for when you get these feelings. Absolutely wake your partner, she would much much rather you did than were too rough, and it will help her trust you can handle it in the future. Also put baby somewhere safe and step into a different room. Or wrap baby up warm and go for a walk with the pram. Actually evenings are often the worst time for crying and an evening walk can really help. Or put baby in a sling and dance around the house. Or put them in front of the washing machine or TV while you calm down.

Also when in the moment make a conscious decision to do the opposite of what you feel, so when the urge to hug too tight give the gentlest hug you can, maybe shove the dummy in your own mouth instead.

Good luck

I had a 2 month preemie too, born 4lb - they are not little for long!!! Haven't read the whole thread but if you get an urge as you describe, maybe putting your baby down safely and leaving the room to compose yourself is something to consider. Scream into a pillow, out of earshot so you're not frightening your baby, that sort of thing! And remember you are the whole world to your teeny tiny preemie so please be gentle with him.

If you are still here, OP, I recognise your feelings. Your baby is so tiny and vulnerable and you feel like every move needs to be feather soft. That gets quite hard to do when you are intensely emotionally aroused.

Work on your anxiety, maybe put your baby down and do some stretching and shaking exercises to release the tension. A lot of what you are feeling is the conflict between needing to be gentle and carrying a lot of physical tension.