Too rough with newborn - need advice

[Tommy1980]

Hi - Im the Father of a 2-month old preemie. He was born 3lbs but is now 6. I love him to bits, he is amazing!

I work from home and so share all responsibilities with my partner if I’m quiet. At night I look after him in first part of evening so my partner can sleep. It is during this time I start getting stressed and angry with my son when he is crying / grizzly / squirmy. I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person but not violent in any way and it’s so out of character for me to behave like this with a tiny baby that doesn’t know any better. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.

Any relaxation techniques someone could recommend? Ive toyed with the idea of seeing someone to talk it through. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m shaking my baby wildly or hitting him etc - it’s not that - it’s just this urge to be rougher than I should. It’s such a weird feeling.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and she is being very understanding and says it’s a challenging thing to deal with an shes glad Im being honest with her. I’m glad to say she’s still OK with leaving me alone with him - the idea of her being too scared to leave us alone is just awful. She’s said if I feel that I’m not in control to wake her up and hand him over.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Frazzledkate - thank you so much, that really helps

You need to never do those things again, because even those are dangerous let alone if your behaviour escalates.

Your tiny vulnerable child isn't "behaving" like anything, he's displaying totally normal baby behaviour. You can't cope with this normal behaviour which shows you have to take immediate steps to change.

If you feel this anger rising, you need to act before you are "too rough". As others have said you need to wake your partner and give the baby to her. Or walk away and leave him (safe) for a minute whilst you calm down. If you were my partner and I knew you were handling my baby roughly I wouldn't ever let you be in sole care.

Thanks 🙏🏻

Sorry, but you do need to be told. Being "too rough" with a tiny prem baby is beyond any kind of normal and acceptable. It isn't just a parenting disagreement or a matter of different approaches.

Oh hang on, were we supposed to just praise you for posting and say how brave you are? I think responses were very measured and not melodramic. You said you were rough and an "emotional" person. It's not about you and your pride. It's about keeping a baby safe. Wise up.

Did you answer the question about whether you are already being rough?

Frustration is normal- acting on it is not ok. Your partner would rather be woken by the baby crying than have the baby hurt.

Headphones can help - it's hard to comfort a baby that's constantly crying. Music or an audio book.

If you're alone and that red mist descends, put baby down safe and walk away for 2 minutes. Get fresh air, have a drink of water, grab a sausage roll, have a wee. Basically, if you have a physical need not being met in your frustration, deal with it quickly to take that pressure off. Baby will probably still cry, but you get chance to regroup and crying, alone, for 2 minutes will hurt less than if you lose your shit.

Get dh home, if possible. Sleep, as soon as possible.

And please talk to your gp or hv.

Having a newborn is a massive change in life but also change in your routine and they're sssoooooooi needy!
BUT they have two people in their world, you and mummy. They talk and communicate to you alone, you're their only help, comfort and support.
Honestly, hand on heart, it DOES get easier - people say it's an easy time, no it's not, it's a massive change in lifestyle and huge responsibility
You can do this, just take a big breath, stick your head out the window and get a few lung fulls of fresh air then care for your baby.
Talk to your HV too as they've seen it a million times
Be gentle, be only strong inside, your baby will change and grow, so will you - enjoy him but don't beat yourself up

Headphones in and listen to calming /happy music or a tv show. Go through the motions of looking after him and don’t think about it and make sure you can’t hear the crying. Rocking a crying baby to sleep is much easier and relaxed if you can’t hear them.

What you’ve said has made me so sad. He doesn’t mean to be like this. He’s brand new, he’s born into a world and trusts you completely because you, as his parent, are absolutely everything he needs to survive and he trusts and loves you the best he knows how. Being new is hard, it’s so overwhelming and scary for him right now. His body is doing things that hurt him because he’s new. Also at his weight his body probably doesn’t work too well right now at all and that will come with a lot of pain.

It’s okay to put him down to cry somewhere warm and safe if he’s been fed and cleaned.

snapple21 - this is a real help, thanks. I think my main focus at the moment is stopping him crying. If that’s proving too difficult I will put him in the basket and take a step back before resuming trying to comfort him.

@AssassinatedBeauty

you do need to be told. Being "too rough" with a tiny prem baby is beyond any kind of normal and acceptable. It isn't just a parenting disagreement or a matter of different approaches

^^ This

I know it’s not acceptable, thats why Im on here 🤔

@AnyFucker

Where would be a "better" place to share this ?

Yea.

Ok Tommy, you know it's not acceptable but do you know how serious this could be? You are already rough. Next time could be an injury. Why are you so offended by suggestions to seek help now or leave for a little while to get your head sorted whilst protecting your tiny baby?

You must leave the room when you feel like this. Your baby will continue to cry but is safer without you there. Close doors so that you can't hear the crying. Take time to calm down properly before you return.
You don't want your partner to know you can't cope. But the thing is you can't.

You wrote this. It's alarming, it really is.

*It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person *

Neepneepneep - I think you must be bored / have nothing better to do than to lay into me.

I’m not going to waste my time telling you which posts I found helpful and which ones were not. You seem to be very concerned about my son but for the record I can assure you that my son is not in danger, he has 2 loving parents and I will never cause him any serious harm. I came on here to ask for different coping mechanisms during the difficult first few weeks of him being at home (after a very stressful pregnancy).

"I will never cause him any serious harm". Just re-read that and have a little think about what you've actually said there.

Sometimes a baby is crying and they don’t need someone to settle them, they just need to go to sleep. The first time I was alone in the house with DD a week after her difficult birth she was crying and it was doing my head in. I went away to the furthest place I could go to in the house and left her for 10 minutes. When I went back she was fast asleep and she self-soothed forever after that.

Failing that, do what I did when DS was doing my head in - stomp into the kitchen and smash a plate. Believe me, it really helps.

In my experience, the 'red mist' or surge of frustration often happens when your 'hopes' or 'aims' of parenting or caring for a child are in direct conflict with some other external aim, E.g. The baby is crying, but your focus is actually on making sure your partner doesn't wake up, rather than comforting the baby, or e.g. the baby is crying but you really want to just finish putting dinner in the oven/emptying the dishwasher/put a wash on, because if you don't do that now then it might never happen or at least not for a few hours, or e.g. (when baby is older) you are hoping the child will go to sleep by X time because you want to have enough time to finally watch a programme/call a friend, but your child just won't go to sleep. Those are the times I've behaved in a way towards my child that I've regretted in some way. One of the biggest adjustments in becoming a parent has been learning to completely put your child first, and let go of other, actually less important aims/desires, so that you can avoid frustrations that escalate.

Being aware of my frustrations and so learning to anticipate them, and then consciously adjust my expectations and reactions, can help at these times. Removing yourself from the situation for a few deep breaths is a good idea. Also being open with your partner and discussing these things with her. I did also go through a period of wearing headphones while holding a colicky screaming baby. Talking to someone professionally is a good idea. Do you have friends you could also talk to?

Really? Bored? Any right-thinking person would be concerned given what you posted but as long as you don't cause "serious" harm that's alright then. This is just getting bizarre now. Try googling relaxation techniques.

Surreal. I'm going to bed.

That’s really helpful, thanks. I hadn’t thought about it like that but it’s true that I need to change my way of thinking - the extrenal aim thing really resonates - that he comes first before emails, the television, partner waking up, etc. It’s such a sudden change after 37 years of just thinking about yourself and having everything your way and just so.

The only reason I admitted to being emotional was because it maybe means Im more prone to finding this hard. Deep breathing is something I tried to do before the LO arrived so I will definitely do more of this whilst I’m looking after him. Thanks again

I believe you. I’ve felt the same way (I’m a woman), and have at times been too rough when pushed to the limit (nothing hurtful or damaging, but it wasn’t ‘softly softly’ or ‘endless patience’ in the way we are lead to believe loving mothers should be with their children). I’m highly strung and don’t have a violent bone in my body (the idea is preposterous if you know my physique).

In my case it’s 100% control freakery. I’m some years into parenting now, and I can tell you that mastering this need to control, or rather letting things go and giving in (no matter how difficult) and grasping that you cannot and should not control your children, is the key to happy and healthy children. This part of parenting has been by far the most difficult thing for me. I’ve even been questioned as to whether I actually love my children (that’s what tipped me into sorting myself out - for the record, I love them with every fibre of my being).

Seek outside help, sort it out yourself, do what it takes. It’s good you’ve identified it early, your mistakes will be forgotten by the baby. Don’t leave it so long that it damages the child or your partner’s estimation of your fatherhood.