Too rough with newborn - need advice

[Tommy1980]

Hi - Im the Father of a 2-month old preemie. He was born 3lbs but is now 6. I love him to bits, he is amazing!

I work from home and so share all responsibilities with my partner if I’m quiet. At night I look after him in first part of evening so my partner can sleep. It is during this time I start getting stressed and angry with my son when he is crying / grizzly / squirmy. I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person but not violent in any way and it’s so out of character for me to behave like this with a tiny baby that doesn’t know any better. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.

Any relaxation techniques someone could recommend? Ive toyed with the idea of seeing someone to talk it through. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m shaking my baby wildly or hitting him etc - it’s not that - it’s just this urge to be rougher than I should. It’s such a weird feeling.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and she is being very understanding and says it’s a challenging thing to deal with an shes glad Im being honest with her. I’m glad to say she’s still OK with leaving me alone with him - the idea of her being too scared to leave us alone is just awful. She’s said if I feel that I’m not in control to wake her up and hand him over.

Any advice would be appreciated.

AnyFucker (lovely name by the way), I don’t know what you mean by a ‘you can’t tell me what to do attitude’. Again, I didn’t come on here to be harassed and made to feel guilty. If it was a Mum on here with a similar issue I doubt you’d be treating her like this. There has been some very helpful advice on here and it will definitely help me - I’m hlad I posted. However it is a shame that the thread is peppered by toxic posts like yours. Really doesn’t help when you’re already having a stressful time with a newborn baby.

Again why can’t you askvthe mother of the baby to help if you are struggling and not randoms. Much easier to ask for her help I would think

Tommy, please ignore the unkind responses you have received. There’s been some great advice on here, I think this is something many people can relate to but are too scared to tell anyone about (even over the internet) so well done for posting. I’m sure others have read this and found it helpful too.

Good luck. It really does get easier.

But of a temper you’re displaying now, Tommy. You need to talk to your GP urgently.

Thanks Honey2018. I was starting to regret posting it (I was actually looking for a ‘Dadsnet’ but doesn’t look like that exists!)

Fortunately there has been some helpful advice which I’m going to take onboard. I posted whilst I was looking after him and I was much better with him as the night wore on.

Tommy, believe me all of us have been there. It is incredibly stressful trying to soothe a baby that just will not respond to everything you're trying. You're desperate to help them and it makes you more and more anxious that you can't work out how to...the anxiety when a tiny baby is screaming can push you to the edge sometimes.

I echo other posters that you absolutely must put your son down somewhere safe and walk away for a breather if you need to. Your baby is so tiny and delicate and you can't undo any moments that you don't manage these urges. There is no defence or excuse for acting on them. If you have acted on any of them so far I would have a serious discussion with your wife about how to cope with your son in the evenings. I'd also check if there's anything that could be causing him discomfort...reflux, wind etc.

Your son has no way of defending or looking after himself and is completely reliant on you as his parents. The only way he knows how to communicate right now is to cry. Often a new baby is most unsettled during the evening and it can last for hours each night...it does get better and easier.

Of course now I’m arguing back to the unkind and thoughtless messages they are now thinking ‘I’ve got a temper’...I can’t win 🙈

Have you actually done the things you describe (wrap too right, roughly shoving a dummy in etc) or are they just thoughts at the moment?

some of these replies are utterly disgusting!

I know it seems incomprehensible when you have never had these thoughts towards your baby.
I look at my newborn daughter and I cant imagine even being remotely angry with her... the thought of being aggressive towards her repulses me completely. I naturally just want to protect her and have endless patience with her.

That was not the case for my first my son, when he was a newborn.

I had PND and felt incredibly hostile towards him. I shouted at him to shut the fuck up when he was only a few days old. I used to put him down on the bed with more force than I should. I used to fantasise about drowning us both in the nearby river.
So I know how this feels and I also know how it feels when you are well and you cant imagine thinking these things and think anyone who does must be some kind of monster.

Newborns can be so stressful and can lead some people to feel aggressive towards them. Good for you if youve never experienced this but it is so deeply unhelpful to act with outrage towards people who are trying to talk about it. Talking about it is essential.

OP its good you have identified that you feel this way and are trying to sort it out. It is worth talking to your GP and health visitor even if just to say 'I sometimes get very stressed and angry with all the crying can you give me any tips on how to cope with that?'
The health visitor will honestly have heard that millions of times from women and she will not jump down your throat like some people on here are.
And your wife sounds very supportive and is doing the right thing.
My husband was very supportive when I was ill (im not saying you have bad PND like I did but just that theres some crossover with the stress you are feeling and the things you have done) He never once suggested that I might actually harm the baby or that I shouldnt be left alone with him. He just listened to me and tried to be there for me as much as possible and take the baby if I said I was getting overwhelmed. In fact no one ever suggested that I might actually harm the baby and my ability to care for him was not questioned. I did get alot of support in the end from the health visitor and from the mental health crisis team. No one was nasty to me and they all encouraged me to talk about what I was feeling honestly. So my point is please dont be frightened to talk about this in real life. Any medical professional you mention this to will not overreact like people on here have. They will give you real support.

You made the mortal mistake in being a man OP!

A kind and loving man clearly, who’s is taking on a lot of responsibility in caring for his child, by letting his partner have a lot of rest and helping out with as much as he can I between work. You’re a lot better than most men people post about on mumsnet!

The best thing you can do is see your gp. Also, mumsnet probably is the worst place you could post because it’s full of perfect parents. In the real world, I don’t know a single mother or father who hasn’t felt like flinging their baby out of the top window at some point. It’s normal. Your sleep deprived, you’re whole life has changed and babies are inherently frustrating.

Obviously if you are being rough with your baby then that is unacceptable but you know that and you know what you need to do next.

In the real world, I don’t know a single mother or father who hasn’t felt like flinging their baby out of the top window at some point

WTF.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

This from the op implies he isn't simply having thoughts about being rough with the baby but that he already has.

You need to tell your oh and be completely honest as you have done with us here, she needs to know, and you need to stop doing the nights for the time being until you can be with him without this sensation.

You have been incredibly brave to talk about it, but now you need to talk about it with someone that can help you. Start with your partner please.

If you crack and something happens then the consequences could be enormous and life changing for everyone.

It is far better for you to step away and take control now, you are in the driving seat and if you are finding night times like this, then you need to stop straight away.

Do you have the same sensation during the day?

Is it the crying that gets to you? What is triggering the response.

Please take this very very seriously, you love your baby very much and you must make the right decisions now.

Ignore anyfucker. She gets a kick out of being spiteful to most people. Especially when they're feeling down.

i think you've probably already gotten bashed pretty hard to this thread, but you know that it's not ok to be rough or you wouldn't have asked for help with how to be more calm.

i used to really struggle when my DS1 was a baby. it was all just so....shit.

things that worked for me:

• outside is your friend. for some reason the crying can be just as intense but when you're outside it's not as overwhelming. wrap them up in plenty layers and get you both outside, walk fast.

-look in the mirror when you're carrying a crying baby. you're responsible. that person in the mirror. seemed to reconnect me to the idea of me. (found out later that it also means you're more likely to behave as if you're being overlooked - how would someone else see this?)

-memorise and repeat the sacred fact (i have a paediatrician friend who told me so they must be true): kids don't die from crying. as long as they're clean, dry, warm and fed three floors of distance and a pair of headphones playing something relaxing can be a life saver.

it's hard but it does get easier. i've heard that the same isn't true for prison.

anyfucker keeps getting resurrected from being banned, and now has a big opinion of herself.

She should be permanently banned. She's a spiteful poster who's really stuck the boot in to vulnerable people time after time.

Gosh there are some nasty people about.
I've stopped reading the thread so maybe others have said this...

Many many women experience intrusive thoughts of horrible things when suffering with post natal depression/anxiety. 99.9% of these women do not and would not harm their baby. Nor are they told to leave, or do they have their baby removed from them. The majority of sufferers don't require inpatient/ mother and baby care. They're at home looking after their child.

@Tommy1980 the most important thing is you are worried and frightened by how you feel. I don't know but I feel pretty confident in saying I bet the things you believe you've done roughly weren't actually so. Men produce more oestrogen after having a baby this is the body's way of making men gentler, kinder etc
Often men who struggle with having a baby feel they're too rough to hold them, will break them etc. An example of this is I had a 4.10lb baby, my Dad didn't hold him until he about three months old! He never said but I know it's because of how small he was! I think you're probably exaggerating the way you've been with baby in the same way many women will obsess over thinking they've hurt them/been rough. - we've all spent 20 minutes putting a vest on a newborn and irrationally thought we've broken a finger because they cry!

To those who recommend leave, I cannot think of anything worse than if my husband had left me with a newborn alone. What a horrible thing to suggest for all three of them!

Oh and if things are getting to much you feel angry put him in his basket and go and make a cup of tea and breathe. Even if he's crying no harm is coming to him. This is really important and again all parents have been there. I've had to hand baby to husband and go and have a few minutes and he's had to do the same to me during those first weeks.

If you think things are getting on top of you a trip to the GP isn't a bad idea, we'd all advise it for a woman feeling the same. Having a prem is stressful, and you haven't mentioned circumstances of birth but if your wife had an emergency c-section that's really stressful for the Dad. I'm sure lots will disagree but I think I had the better seat being put under GA than my husband who stood in a room not knowing if he'd be leaving with a wife or baby. He will still say waiting for someone to come and tell him our baby was out and ok was the worst 15 minutes of his life. So you could have a little PTSD from the birth.

I think that if you find yourself thinking “ I need to get the baby to do x” or “I need to stop baby doing x”, that is where frustration creeps in when it doesn’t work. For example if Im really tired at night I can feel quite desperate for my LO to sleep so I can go to bed too.
If you think “I need to get baby to stop crying” you are placing pressure on yourself if you can’t do it. And babies sometimes carry on crying even when we have fed them, changed them, cuddled them, rocked them! As others have said, it’s ok to step away and gather yourself for a moment.

@Tommy1980 babies are hard - so hard! I've had three and there have been days with all of them when you get so overwhelmed and you're tired and they just cry. It's hard.
I found talking out loud, softly, almost narrating what I was doing really helped. In fact, when I'm super tired and irritable, I find it helps ground me even now with the toddler.
Definitely taking five minutes when it gets a bit much always helps.
Personally, I'd advise seeing your GP just got a chat - it might make you feel better.
Are there any grandparents around to give you both an hour or so's break? Even if it's Netflix and a takeaway in a different room, it might help.
Babies are hard work but the minute you start feeling that frustration or urge to be rough, take a step back.

Welcome to mumsnet- full of toxic posters who are quick to jump on posters.

I agree with some advice- put baby somewhere and move away. You know you need to tackle this. You need to find a way to calm down and not act on impulse.

You could hurt your baby, even though you think you couldn't.

Being honest about it is the first step, now you need to ensure it doesn't happen again and this means reminding yourself when you feel the frustration build up

I don’t get why people are putting the boot in here. Babies will really take you to places that are your limit. I have put my son down roughly on the bed, told him to shut up, and gently bounced him in my arms singing ‘go the fuck to sleep’. He’s ok, he’s loved and cared for and now a bonny, full on 8 months.

Two things stood out for me - actually you sound a lot like my partner - is that you want to stop the baby crying, and that you are an emotional person.

Babies cry. Sometimes even when there’s nothing wrong. If you can shift your goal to be that you want to be there and be comforting, rather than you want to stop crying, this may lift the pressure. Headphones may be useful. Also thinking of it as communication rather than crying. Basically baby is saying ‘something is up’ and what may be up is that they don’t know what they want but something is not right.

Being an emotional person: here is your opportunity to change the script. Being this kind of person or that person makes you rather fixed. You may be emotional (that’s good! Yay feelings) but you have a choice what you do with them. Now you have a little person, it’s about feeling the feelings but not necessarily adding actions. It’s ok to have strong feelings, fighting them will get you nowhere, but because you are the grown up you choose when to act on feelings. Of course this is so easy with sleep deprivation and your child’s early arrival. What a crucible the early days are.

Things that helped me:

This is an unreasonable situation, and it is temporary. Unreasonable situations tend to unearth things about us we didn’t know, so we have to use different tactics. Be kind to yourself and your partner, you are both in this unreasonable place together.

Ask for help. Partner and I had an agreement to tag each other in if we were struggling and before we got to the point of ‘go the fuck to sleep’. If not available, agree put down and walk away. I have actually found that once I’ve calmed down, I tend to have better results settling. I say walk away, I’ve cried on the floor next to the crib before. Whichever, it serves the same purpose.

Nap. Sleep deprivation robs you of good decision making.

Look at your baby. Sometimes a wailing baby in the dark can become just noise. When I can see my boys face I tend to have a lot more patience.

Second getting out. And a sling! I had a stretchy wrap, get to sling library to show you how to do it safely and find one that suits you. Gives you close contact which is good for both and little babes benefit from it. Plus until he was about 4 months it was a sure fire settler. 10 mins round the block and he’d be asleep.

And... congrats on your baby. I agree that it gets easier. You can do this.

At our antenatal classes the midwife went through this with us really well. She reminded us that the biggest danger to a newborn baby is it's stressed out parent.

If you feel frustrated, put the baby down in the cot. Close the door and go into another room. Make a hot drink, put on some music. Go into the garden for some freah air if you can.

When you're calmer, return to the baby. Repeat as often as necessary. Leaving a baby to cry is not going to harm them compared to shaking, or handling them too roughly.

I actually think it's a brave post. You are self aware enough to identify the problem. Talking about it is a start. You now need coping techniques. I'm sure there are resources out there. Your GP would be a good starting point.