Too rough with newborn - need advice

[Tommy1980]

Hi - Im the Father of a 2-month old preemie. He was born 3lbs but is now 6. I love him to bits, he is amazing!

I work from home and so share all responsibilities with my partner if I’m quiet. At night I look after him in first part of evening so my partner can sleep. It is during this time I start getting stressed and angry with my son when he is crying / grizzly / squirmy. I get the urge to be deliberately rough with him - I need to stress that it isn’t violence or hitting, but more like wrapping him too tightly in a muslin, or forcing a dummy in his mouth, or hugging him too tightly.

It upsets me that I can’t deal with his behaviour in a calm manner and I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon.

I’m quite a highly-strung and emotional person but not violent in any way and it’s so out of character for me to behave like this with a tiny baby that doesn’t know any better. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.

Any relaxation techniques someone could recommend? Ive toyed with the idea of seeing someone to talk it through. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m shaking my baby wildly or hitting him etc - it’s not that - it’s just this urge to be rougher than I should. It’s such a weird feeling.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and she is being very understanding and says it’s a challenging thing to deal with an shes glad Im being honest with her. I’m glad to say she’s still OK with leaving me alone with him - the idea of her being too scared to leave us alone is just awful. She’s said if I feel that I’m not in control to wake her up and hand him over.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OK wow, this post has escalated...a full blown debate.

Thanks again to everyone who has offered constructive advice. I have been a lot better with him tonight. Rememberng that it is not the end of the world if he cries and that it doesn’t equate to a loss of control. Have tried to be more relaxed.

As someone said, I don’t think I was being as rough as I thought I was. I just felt so stressed and anxious - doing everything too quickly and abruptly - and wanted to deal with him in a more relaxed way. Various people have been jumping to all sorts of conclusions. ‘Do you realise what you’re doing?’ etc etc. Not helpful. Glad to see that the majority of posts have been sensitive and helpful.

As I gently rock my beautiful baby to sleep on my lap I want to thank you all again (well most of you) for your support.

Well done Tommy, glad this evening is calmer.

Being afraid you'll hurt your baby is pretty much part of the territory when they are tiny, I think. You are so desperate to get it right, you obsess about getting it wrong!

Another new parent suggested ear plugs to me, the foam ones that let some sound through.

Not all the time, just when the crying becomes a bit too much but you need keep cuddling or change a nappy etc. It can help to take the edge off the crying and you can meet the baby's needs without feeling like your brain is going to explode.

I do sympathise as a mum, I've felt that way too, but it does get better.

The calmer you stay the more it helps a baby be calm as the can feel the tension when your upset, angry etc

Just saw your update, I'm glad things are better tonight. I agree, it's not the end of the world of your baby is crying, they just don't have any other way of communicating with you! Also sleep deprivation makes everything feel ten times worse! In time you learn to tune it out so that whinging doesnt affect you as much.

All the best!

I don’t agree with posters being so nasty to the OP. This is meant to be a safe space for parents (mums or DADS) to share their feelings and ask for help anonymously. No one should be verbally attacking an OP who is desperate for advice in a situation that’s difficult for them.
I had a prem baby, your emotions are everywhere and you feel like you have to ‘carry on’ but it’s hard.
Glad you are feeling a bit better now OP

@Tommy1980

I am glad tonight you are feeling a little calmer.Yes you are a new Dad but you are also only human. You mind yourself and that little boy of yours. He has so much love to give x

@Tommy1980 it is a shame you have come on here for help and advice and been confronted by the bile that is unfortunately common on here by bitter and twisted women, good job we are not all like that !
It is so hard in them 1st few weeks, (sorry I didn't notice if this is your 1st) it is you trying to deal with all your emotions changing, trying to do the best by your partner and you DC. It's pressure, stress, anxiety and joy and love.

I think popping baby back in the Moses basket and stepping away for a few minutes when they are safe is the best advice.
Keep telling yourself your DC is just trying to learn how to cope in this big new world, where they can't speak, everything is new and scary and they just want to feel safe, secure and loved.

I used to think, what would I have to be going through to cry like my DC is doing, then it would just melt me thinking of what he must be thinking and I would just want to hug him. ( I don't know if I have explained that properly , just ignore me if you I haven't lol )

I think you know yourself, if the techniques on here don't help, the next step would be your GP, and if you will come on here for help, you obviously a good dad who just want the best so I have no doubt you would go the the gp if needed.

Lots and lots of new parents feel like this and may benefit from you raising this thread, and the helpful responses.
Sending a hug, and it does get easier in my experience, or your coping mechanisms become more effective, one or the other lol

Sorry only just got the updated thread lol. Well done @Tommy1980 I'm so glad it's going better. There is no better feeling to rocking your beautiful baby to sleep.

Not read it all but at least you're acknowledging you have an issue.

1. Babies cry so don't feel bad about this.
2. Your premie baby may have additional needs so please have all their health checked.
3. Sleep deprivation can make you go mad - make sure you look after yourself too.
4. I have walked the streets in the early hours with baby in pushchair just to get some peace for us all.
5. Leaving your baby in a safe place is perfectly acceptable until you're able to deal with them calmly.
6. you've had a bumpy start together-maybe talk to Home Start for some support?

Why are people essentially "babying" a full grown adult? An adult who has admitted to being rough with his tiny baby?

"If it was a woman we would be giving her help."

A woman (I'm prepared to be flamed) 9 times out of 10 is not as strong as a man. A man could more than likely do a lot more harm to a child by wrapping it tightly or shoving a dummy in its mouth then a woman could.

Plus I'd be telling a mum the exact same thing. Thinking things is normal, acting on them, how ever small it may seem, is not normal and definitely not ok!

The thread title is literally ‘Too rough with newborn’. You say ‘I’m a bit frightened that this roughness will escalate if I don’t address it soon’. Posters have drawn attention to how worrying it is, and within 48 hours you’ve decided that you weren’t as rough as you thought you were - you’ve suddenly become more relaxed? a disturbing amount of downplaying and minimising happening.

You seemed rightly concerned in your first post about your behaviour and roughness being very wrong. I sincerely hope that you will get help and tell your partner about your roughness. Swaddling too tightly or shoving a dummy in roughly will hurt and cause damage - even to a full term baby, let alone an even more vulnerable preemie. Pulling the victim card over being called out about your dangerous behaviour doesn’t change that.

Sorry it doesn't sound like you can manage the baby and you need to leave his mum in charge of his care

Me again (the control freak). Well done for relaxing a bit. Go with it.

I wanted to add that as a parent to a young baby (arguably to a child until they’re old enough to be without you) you must always be in control of the situation, but you mustn’t and can’t control the child. They’re different things.

Tonight, as your baby cries or doesn’t, you are in control of the situation: you know what to do and can deal with what happens. So you let the baby be a baby and do what he needs to do - you’re not controlling him. But whatever situation that causes, you control that. Cries because he’s hungry? Feed him. Cries because he’s wet or dirty? Change him. Cries because of wind? Burp him. Cries because of colic? Hold and soothe him. Wants a cuddle and a snuggle and to feel warm and safe and loved and close to you? By god, that’s the most amazing feeling in the world, and it’s so fleeting. Cuddle and hold for as long as you can, because soon that kid is going to be giving you backchat and rudeness and asking you for money and the WiFi password!

Once you’ve overcome this thing, and you’ve accepted your new role and life and lifestyle and job and everything that goes with it (it took me years, honestly, but I think many people do it instantly or take only a short period of time), you may well end up enjoying this much more than you thought. Just let your DP raise the prospect of #2!

I'm sorry you're getting a rough response here, you're obviously trying to deal with your emotions and that's to be applauded.

I also felt crazed when I had a newborn, I found the whole thing completely overwhelming and i also felt out of control at points.
I went to the GP and got help and it changed things for me, I suggest you do the same.

Good luck op, it definitely gets easier (harder in different ways but let's not talk about that!)

Parenting is really really hard sometimes. Babies can really push you to your limit. Mr dd was a screamer who would never be put down (she did have a milk allergy and silent reflux though). Sometimes I did just have to put her down wherever (safe) and go and pull myself together again. My husband had to do the same sometimes. I shouted at 8month my daughter to fuck off once when she was screaming in her high chair. I will never forget doing that. So awful and I am deeply ashamed of myself.

My sister is the most patient person in the world (I am not). When her daughter was a young baby I saw her put her crying for ages dd down on her bed a little too abruptly, kind of a tiny gentle drop, instead of slowly laid down. It made me realise that we all are just humans who sometimes struggle to stay 100% calm.

My dd is 2 now and sometimes is quite challenging. When I feel myself getting pissed off I remind myself that she is just a 2 year old and doesn't understand her feelings etc. Babies have even less of a clue. Sometimes they will scream no matter what you do.

I think it's great you've spoken to your wife and on here. It shows that you recognise you need to improve your behaviour and are looking for ways to do so.

I'm finding many of the posts really frustrating to read, for instance:

@winnerwinnerchristmasdinner

Why are people essentially "babying" a full grown adult? An adult who has admitted to being rough with his tiny baby?

Because being kind to someone who had admitted to struggling and is asking for help, might actually be more helpful and lead to a better outcome for the dad and baby. OP already knows that it's not right to be rough with a baby, so why on earth do some posters think that a harsh word and telling him to leave is going to help him cope, or why would he even listen when he wants to be involved and to be a good dad.

A woman (I'm prepared to be flamed) 9 times out of 10 is not as strong as a man. A man could more than likely do a lot more harm to a child by wrapping it tightly or shoving a dummy in its mouth then a woman could.

That's pretty ridiculous statement, the disparity between an adult and baby is such that either sex could kill a baby before you even start to compare strength.

Plus I'd be telling a mum the exact same thing. Thinking things is normal, acting on them, how ever small it may seem, is not normal and definitely not ok!

The OP knows this - that's why he's here asking for help! Piling into him is not helpful.

OP I read some great advice when my children were babies that was essentially to try and parent as though you’re being followed by a camera crew. It sounds mad, but it’s sometimes useful to keep in the back of your mind ‘what would an onlooker make if this situation and my reaction’, it really does help to keep those feelings of frustration in check.

I also have found that cuddling the baby and singing softly helped, as the contact and the singing helped me to calm down and concentrating on the lyrics etc gave me something else to focus on other than the crying.

I haven’t read the thread, aside from your op, but have you considered using a sling to try to soothe the baby. It worked wonders here.

I’ve personally always found it easier to keep even a screaming baby nearby, as for me, leaving a room never sorted the issue but just sent my anxiety levels through the roof and made me more frustrated.

Above all, it does get easier, but it’s useful to build up your arsenal of self diffusing weapons, as the little ‘darlings’ do tend to have a way of pushing you to the brink.

Best of luck, hang in there, and keep breathing.

Oh and also, my understanding of sucking is that young babies need to have the reflex stimulated. This can be done with a dummy by rubbing it very gently on their lips and then once they open their mouth to very gently stroke the top of their mouth with it.

They have to ‘accept’ the dummy as a sucking device and this method helps to do that. (Ramming it in doesn’t have the same effect!)

@sunrise888 you summarised my thoughts much more succinctly than I would have managed! But yes, this exactly.

Not sure I have anything useful to add but a couple of things I don’t think have been suggested came to mind:
1.) longer term, practice good breathing techniques (search YouTube for yoga/meditative breathing). If practised, can calm you down very quickly, and if your breathing is slow, steady & calm, hopefully baby will match that mood a bit more easily.
2.) you say you do the evening shift. Perhaps try switching & doing a different time sometimes. Perhaps the baby is a bit calmer in the early morning, perhaps you will be too, so you won’t be dealing with the most difficult parts of the day all the time. Then you can be sharing the load but at a calmer time.

Of course, neither of these may help, but good luck to you & keep taking some of the great advice on here.

If you are finding the newborn stage a struggle, you really need to get professional help now as when your child is a deliberately disobedient toddler you will really struggle. I think this man needs urgent help and should be talking to his gp or health visitor ASAP.