Honest question... Is parenting worth it?

[Fagin99]

I'm at an age where Husband and I seriously need to consider starting a family in the next few years. Despite being a very nurturing person and always assuming that I would be a mum one day, I've never been massively maternal, and all the horror stories I hear from friends/family/online about parenting sadly make me wonder whether it's all even worth it.

The main complaints I hear (and which frighten me) are:

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: not being able to even shower without a child needing your assistance let alone have any kind of life for yourself.
2. The expense: how does anyone these days afford everything involved (including Childcare) when my generation struggle to even get on the (tiny one-bedroomed) housing ladder?
3. The exhaustion. The relentless exhaustion on only a few hours sleep a night. For years on end.
4. Fitting in work: Due to the problems with point 2, how does one even fit in childcare around both parents working and a commute? All on an average salary?
5. Ruining a marriage: I can only imagine the marriage and quality time with your spouse comes last after everything else is attended to.

This may seem really negative but it's genuinely the impression of parenting that I get from those around me. It may not help that my Mum was luckily enough to be a stay at home Mother (whilst my Dad worked) so I never experienced an alternative growing up. Likewise, my husband's parents were similar so he tends to assume, in a terribly frustrating way, that "we'll just work it out when the time comes", but I prefer to plan, and I just want to scream at him that it isn't the 1980s anymore.

Please, tell me, is it all worth it?? I look around at my relatively comfortable life and wonder if I would be entering a non-refundable nightmare. At the same time, I do not want to wake up in 10 years and think "Shit, we missed out".

No and yes. It's an absolute mindfuck.

Ps. I of course didn't even mention the actual giving birth consideration, of which I have received graphic, detailed horror story accounts from new mothers.

100% worth it

I never wanted any kids.
We slipped up once and now we have 2

And if I'm honest I would have 10 if money wasn't an issue

For me, the first two years were mostly hideous with some nice bits here and there.

From two onwards, my PND started to lift and it all became more tolerable.

Don't get me wrong, there are days where I hate being a parent but there are way more good days than bad now. Child is nearly 4 and it definitely gets better as they get older.

Won't be having any more though.

It changes everything.

But yes it is worth it. Listening to his voice to his ‘jokes’, seeing him become his own person. Yup it’s worth it.

Exhausting, expensive, relentless - yes it’s all of those things. Although any good life is all of those things imo.

Pregnancy and newborn stage are the best bits, the rest is pretty much hell on earth.

Not everyone gets a healthy child.
Not everyone gets a well behaved child.
Not everyone gets the child they imagined.

Do not underestimate how challenging the teenage years can be. The aggro, worry, lack of sleep because they're out, missing, stormed off whatever. Worry for their future (would you want to be born now?)

If you're remotely anxious, being a parent will exacerbate it.

BUT it may be absolutely fine for you and you get a lovely child who sleeps, behaves and exceeds all expectations.

If I knew then what I know now I would choose to be child free. I'm in the minority though as everyone else will bound along to tell you how wonderful it all is

Yes it’s worth it. They’re better than anything you have now including your husband

It's so so worth it. My kids are now 5 and 2 and it's so much easier. Sleep is still a bit hit and miss and I am tired but not the spirit-crushing exhaustion of the new born days. They're so sweet and funny - they make me laugh multiple times a day every day. Childcare is expensive but we've worked things out to minimise childcare, I work part time and DH does compressed hours. We're lucky to be able to do that, of course. I do have less time for myself but it's improving. And i just love them so much, and they love me so passionately and now they love each other... and watching them turn into actual human people... it's hard but it's amazing.

If you feel like this you are not ready. Just wait a while (a few years?) and see if any maternal feelings kick in. I felt like you do up to 30 but from them on wanted to be a mother more than practically anything. It is tiring but also amazing.

1. Loss of freedom is temporary; that phase doesn't last forever.
2. The expense is significant. And in some cases can continue even after they have moved out (e.g. topping up student maintenance loan).
3. Sleep deprivation was temporary for us. Apart from in the first few weeks of their lives, I have rarely been woken at night by any of my children.
4. Affordability of childcare will depend on your circumstances.
5. Having children did not have a detrimental effect on our marriage. Looking forward to spending more time together when the youngest leaves.

Oh it's hard, it's so bloody hard, but is one million % worth it, you will never know love like it.

I adore my children with every cell of my being but if I had known how difficult it would be I would have stayed child free. I find it gets harder every year that goes by. I wish that weren’t so but it is. I feel totally smothered and trapped by parenthood.

Some of the times when parenting has been stressful for me:

• When we had four children under five, including twins.
• Some of the challenges related to one of the children being on the autistic spectrum and having ADHD.
• The worry associated with one child having a long-term serious health issue in his teens.

Well it's hard work and sometimes I do think fuck my life but honestly the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

Birth was easy , straight forward and fast for me three times. As was the recovery from birth. Only the last one I was really exhausted with. Yes it's expensive especially before school with childcare costs. I never really struggled with showering to be honest. Everyone's different.

At the end of the day though you will get people on here who will say the opposite from each and what it all comes down to is what you want really.

What ages are you?

I mean if you aren't bothered about having a child why bother just now? You may know one way or the other for sure in a year or two.

All the negatives you list are real. The thing is, those negatives are easy to understand and imagine, but the complete amazingness and wonder of your own child is impossible to imagine until you have them.

Having DD is absolutely the best thing I have ever done (including good London career, lots of travel etc). Worth all those negatives (and the others you don't know yet!) many times over.

1. DH and I take it in turns. I have an hour to myself in the evening, where I can shower, relax and do my hair etc.

1. We bought a house 5 years before DD was born. Most of our baby bits (except cot) were either given to us by family or friends or bought second hand.

1. DD has slept through from 3 months, and she's currently 8 months and now sleeps 12hrs, so I get plenty of rest and evening time. Although she never sleeps past 7am! So DH take it in turns at the weekend to have a lie in.

1. I'm going back part time, so I don't have to put her into nursery. My MIL has kindly offered begged me to have her.

1. Yes our marriage is different, but only because we now share our life with this amazing little person that we made.

As you can probably tell, I absolutely love being a mum. So much so, that I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC2!

It is fucking hell on earth and you have no idea what you may have - from druggie criminal to life saving genius. There is no logical reason to put yourself through that. But most of us do. It is called life, and it gets messy. And amazing.

For me it is 100% worth it.
All of your reasons are valid but you do just get on with it, they are just part of having children and I think people love to have something to moan at.
The only thing I didn't budget for is now they are getting older I have came to realise you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child and that wouldn't have crossed my mind pre children

All of the things you say are true

But it's entirely worth it. I honestly couldn't find words to describe the strength of love. If you've ever listened to love song and thought it sounded over the top ... youd catch a grenade for me? Walk 500 miles?? I'm doing that for no man thank you - but for my son? Oh suddenly it all makes sense, I'd stop the world for him. Hes amazing. He makes me laugh all the time. He's worth anything life throws at me.

Unequivocally yes

By the way, I didn't feel very maternal or drawn to other peoples children.

I questioned what the upside was - just as you are - for years. So did DH. Eventually, after thinking it through a lot we decided that this was something we wanted to do despite all the obvious downsides, and the less-evident upsides.

Obviously ymmv

I felt/feel the same OP and I am about 2 weeks away from giving birth!

My biggest worry is that I'm just not going to love it - 'it' being both parenting and the kid itself (we don't know if it's boy or girl).

I just figured that we'd come off contraception and see what happened - I am 36 - and we got pregnant so just decided to go with it....

I know this isn't helpful but I had and still have all the same fears you have listed - I just figure we'll work it out, as others do!....

We have three. At one point three under 3 and a half.

Frankly it’s relentless at times. Well most of the time.
But they are absolutely fucking brilliant little creatures and honestly all the drudgery, hard work, worry, lack of sleep, grey hairs, ruined dinners, blah blah blah are wiped off the slate when they cuddle you, tell you they love you, make. You laugh. Surprise you, delight you, when you sneak in on the rare occasion they’re all asleep and watch them dreaming.

Despite me wanting to bang my head off the wall repeatedly (when The eldest posted tomato sandwiches he begged for half an hour through the fire guard downstairs) I would not change them or being a parent for anything

Wait until they tell you they love you and that you're beautiful, or until they learn to ride a bike that YOU taught them, or write their name that YOU taught them, or wake you up every morning with a smile and telling you that you are their best friend. Of course there's shit parts, but the raw, unconditional love is the most warming thing ever and makes it all worth it xx

I can't disagree with any of your negatives, but oh my goodness, a million percent worth it.