Honest question... Is parenting worth it?

[Fagin99]

I'm at an age where Husband and I seriously need to consider starting a family in the next few years. Despite being a very nurturing person and always assuming that I would be a mum one day, I've never been massively maternal, and all the horror stories I hear from friends/family/online about parenting sadly make me wonder whether it's all even worth it.

The main complaints I hear (and which frighten me) are:

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: not being able to even shower without a child needing your assistance let alone have any kind of life for yourself.
2. The expense: how does anyone these days afford everything involved (including Childcare) when my generation struggle to even get on the (tiny one-bedroomed) housing ladder?
3. The exhaustion. The relentless exhaustion on only a few hours sleep a night. For years on end.
4. Fitting in work: Due to the problems with point 2, how does one even fit in childcare around both parents working and a commute? All on an average salary?
5. Ruining a marriage: I can only imagine the marriage and quality time with your spouse comes last after everything else is attended to.

This may seem really negative but it's genuinely the impression of parenting that I get from those around me. It may not help that my Mum was luckily enough to be a stay at home Mother (whilst my Dad worked) so I never experienced an alternative growing up. Likewise, my husband's parents were similar so he tends to assume, in a terribly frustrating way, that "we'll just work it out when the time comes", but I prefer to plan, and I just want to scream at him that it isn't the 1980s anymore.

Please, tell me, is it all worth it?? I look around at my relatively comfortable life and wonder if I would be entering a non-refundable nightmare. At the same time, I do not want to wake up in 10 years and think "Shit, we missed out".

I wasn't maternal. Pregnant accidentally at 30 and now have 2.

I can honestly say I have loved all the ages. To me they take more time and energy when younger but give cuddles and its wonderful to watch them develop. DD has health issues but manages amazingly.

Mine are 16 and 20 and continue to enrich our lives. I didn't (haven't) had terrible teens. I spend lots of time and shop/lunch with my DD. Hubby does sporty things with my DS.. Seeing DD get to Uni is exciting. Still manage to have time for my hobby & hubby!

I'm glad I didn't have time to reflect, work out money, think about the downsides to children.Absolutely no regrets here.

My children are my whole world.
I could not imagine my life as not being a Mum.
Yes it's hard. Pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, financially, emotionally.. it's hard. But it's so worth it.
If it wasn't, people wouldn't go on to have more than one child. I have 3, my youngest has severe ASD and if I didn't know I'll be looking after her all my life - which I want to, and will do through choice, for as long as I possibly can - I would have more..
it puts strain on your marriage at times but for us it's made us a stronger couple. I fell pregnant quickly (after 3 months 🤭) and we knew it would make or break us ... we've been together 16 years in October .

Absolutely. It's really difficult and downright soul destroying at times but nothing could ever compare to the joy you feel when you hold your children. I am not remotely maternal and really struggle to have small children around me at all let alone all the time but I love it.

I felt like you and now have a lovely 5 month old. I'm not going to lie, it's tough and it's probably only going to get tougher.
I don't feel like I don't have as much freedom as DS comes everywhere with us and in fact I seem to have more with the joy of maternity leave. I suppose there are no more nights out, but honestly the thought of drinking fills me with dread.

Yes money does help. We saved as soon as we found out so I could take the full year off. Childcare will be a struggle but honestly our priorities have changed so much we won't miss the extra money.

What I would say is it can put a strain on your relationship as it changes, in our case for the better. I am so thankful for the support of my husband, I couldn't do it without him.

Lastly there is a lack of sleep, I was very much "I need at least 8 hours or I'm a mess" kinda girl but now if I get 5 straight hours I'm happy. You just get used to it.

Having our son is the best thing we've ever done and watching him grow is amazing BUT there are days when I imagine this is what hell is like. Good luck with your decision x

Keep your expectations low, enjoy the children years and don’t expect them to love you like you love them.

Yes of course it’s difficult and life changing. You are responsible for a dependent human being. Why on earth would that be easy? And as you pointed out, it’s not compulsory to have kids.

Yes they are expensive. We earn enough to afford decent childcare. Mine are 6.5 and 1.5 and both sleep through the night. Both are relatively well behaved as well. Relatively. Yes, I don’t have the same freedom I did but I knew that. DH is a very very hands on and equal father in every way so we take turns if we need to do something. Our marriage is also fine.
Remember the truly dependent baby stage doesn’t last long. Today the 6.5 year old and I had a chat about Brexit at bath time, then he and the toddler got into a ‘kissing and tickling contest’ where they were trying to see who could make the other laugh more.

I wanted kids. I also wanted to keep my career. Both dh and I have made career sacrifices. But I would do it all over back.

The thing about having children is that they then become your family don't they? Nobody loves you like your family etc so I guess most of us have kids in order to create a loving family around us. I also believe that only the very strongest of marriages survive without the addition of children at some point, obviously providing the female is of child bearing age of course. I'm sure plenty on here will disagree with me on that but forever is a very long time for 2 people to be enough for each other day in day out .

My baby is tiny so I can't comment on what parenting is like from any sort of informed position. What I have noticed even in these few weeks though is that the negatives are really easy to describe, be funny about etc., but it's hard to talk about the positives without sounding like a smug twat. You can make jokes about the lack of sleep, horrors of nappies, etc., etc. but if I said 'I love him more than I knew was possible' or 'sometimes DH and I just sit there staring at him and occasionally saying "but look at his actual face"' then my friends would think I'd lost my mind in the labour ward.

I don't like children. Never have done. The least maternal person I know.

Except for my own.

My own I love so much I cannot describe. I would kill for them. I would die for them. I worry I'll die younger than I want, not for me but because of the impact on them.

I remember feeling like you. Someone described having children as closing a gate behind you forever. You can never go back. God that depressed me. Then I found out that after that gate my world opened up beyond my wildest dreams.

Some days, most days it's hard and I could tear my hair out, and I've been lucky to be blessed with a baby who slept 11pm to 7am at 5 days old and 7-7 at 12 weeks old. DS came second and wasn't such a great sleeper but even that was manageable. I'd do it all again if I got my time over.

It’s so difficult to explain because it’s hard and relentless and exhausting but it’s also the best experience ever. And you can’t explain it to someone without kids because you just know they don’t understand why it’s so great with all those negatives.

It sounds weird but I get such a good feeling when someone close to me falls pregnant for the first time because I just know theyre Going to get to have the experience of being a parent and I feel excited for them.

Definitely worth it! Am a lone parent who has suffered so much at the hands of my DDs dad.. the worst thing about parenting is being tied to him forever.

But she's the best thing that ever happened to me. She makes me laugh like I've never laughed before, I adore her to the depths of the earth, she's my absolute world and I'm hers and as she grows up it just gets even more special. Sick bucket I know, but that's truly how I feel. Couldn't be without her.

Disclaimer: she sleeps wonderfully, eats quite well and is generally pretty well behaved though she talks non bloody stop. I'm sure if I ever have another, it won't be such a fairytale

It's been worth it for me

I've loved every stage. I loved the baby stage and breastfeeding, loved them as tots, loved taking them for 10 mile hikes and watching them learn to swim, loved reading to them at night. One of ours was a stroppy teen but she's come out of the other side of that. Both now adult and it's great having adult children.

I'm ready for a break now. I reckon I've got at least a 10 year break before it starts all over again with GC (perish the thought)

I think it’s like saying is having a partner worth it? There are always uos and downs and draw backs but also massive gains. Just do what you are drawn to doing- it’s been worth it for us.

Love
You remember the lovely bits.
There are difficult bits inbetween.
But the joy of the newborn and the heady smell of baby head and gighling tonight about memories of melting crayons on radiators and the five year old coating marbles in pop tart jam so the 2 year old sucked them - first time he shared that she nearly choked to death, dr neighbour ordered me to dial 999 just before success of heimlich manouvre
They are 23 and 20. Worth every bloody awful bit, including the teenage awfulness.

Yes it is.

I'm not maternal at all, had kids really to appease DH and ends up with twins, which was a good thing as I was absolutely shit at being pregnant and wouldn't have gone through it again for a sibling!

Yes it's bloody tough, but worth it.

I've always been able to shower etc. A
Shower takes two minutes. Even if the baby cries you can still shower /
Wee / make a sandwich.

Before you have them, it doesn’t seem worth it at all.

Once they’re here, even on the shitty days, it’s worth it.

Yes so worth it.
My kid is amazing. He is so easy and fantastic. We still go out etc but just bring him with us. I don't see it as a loss of freedom but rather totally embracing motherhood. We have only been out twice as a couple without our son- in nearly 4 years. Truthfully we don't miss it at all. We adore him SO totally,we love being with him.
He has always slept well- we co slept from birth. I breastfed on demand so couldn't be arsed going from room to room. He is happiest in our bed- so we 're happy.

I can't disagree with your negatives. Dd1 has ASD so our lives have changed more than most. She gets very anxious away from home. I used to travel abroad a lot and now even a weekend at my parents house 1 away is a big deal to be prepared for. The stress and the cost, even to live a modest life, is difficult.

I don't regret it though and I don't where I'd be without my two little girls. They are amazing and beautiful and I feel so privileged to be a mother.

Don’t know about how you measure worth it. I think comparing the positives and negatives is a tricky road to go down. I have a disabled child...I hate to think how much a of a martyr parent I could be if I was that way inclined. Oh woe is me it’s so hard for ME etc etc. But my job as a parent isn’t to be fulfilled its to care for them. I love my kids utterly and can’t imagine my life without them. Having children is a choice I would make every time because it was like a physical need for me.

If you aren’t sure about children, maybe try buying a pregnancy test! I know it sounds bizarre but when you’re there picking one, queuing to pay etc are you thinking oh wow how exciting if this was real or are you thinking oh god how embarrassing I hope no one sees me this was a silly idea.

I certainly found taking my first test a real OMG moment. Even though it was negative. It was a reminder that this was really real. In a way all the discussion about having children had felt a bit...theoretical.

Absolutely worth it. The love you feel is amazing. Loved every stage and mine were often very hyper and not that well behaved. Loved every minute though, pregnancy, birth and all the stages. They're late teens, early twenties now. Most worrying thing is always concern about their future and happiness.
Please 9

Stressful, exhausting, expensive but If money wasn't an issue I would have at least 2 more in a heartbeat,

Parenthood is amazing! I was never very bothered about having children, but ended up with three. It certainly had its moments in the early days, but you honestly soon forget the hard bits. I've never regretted it for a minute and now I have DGC its even better.

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: That's temporary.
2. The expense: You have to spend your money on something. Seems like a sound investment to me.
3. The exhaustion. Yes, this is hard
4. Fitting in work: Teaching has worked out ok for me. As has dh's 9-5 job. He does the school runs.
5. Ruining a marriage: But you have a shared focus.
6. Giving birth. This is horrendous and why I have stopped at 3 kids!

Family, to me, is everything, and creating my own is a joy and a miracle. Completely worth it. I wouldn't rather be rich, fit and rested. Not in a million years. My kids give me love, joy and purpose.

All of your points are valid. Unless you feel a strong pull to have DC I wouldn't.
Mine are going back to school tomorrow and I am frankly rather relieved. I am also sad as they are going into their last year at primary and I can't believe they are growing up so fast. I am also glad that they are older because I found babies boring. I don't find much logic in child rearing but I would do it all again personally.

Totally worth it. It my own experience it not that tiring and not that expensive but massively amazing! The best thing ever.