Honest question... Is parenting worth it?

[Fagin99]

I'm at an age where Husband and I seriously need to consider starting a family in the next few years. Despite being a very nurturing person and always assuming that I would be a mum one day, I've never been massively maternal, and all the horror stories I hear from friends/family/online about parenting sadly make me wonder whether it's all even worth it.

The main complaints I hear (and which frighten me) are:

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: not being able to even shower without a child needing your assistance let alone have any kind of life for yourself.
2. The expense: how does anyone these days afford everything involved (including Childcare) when my generation struggle to even get on the (tiny one-bedroomed) housing ladder?
3. The exhaustion. The relentless exhaustion on only a few hours sleep a night. For years on end.
4. Fitting in work: Due to the problems with point 2, how does one even fit in childcare around both parents working and a commute? All on an average salary?
5. Ruining a marriage: I can only imagine the marriage and quality time with your spouse comes last after everything else is attended to.

This may seem really negative but it's genuinely the impression of parenting that I get from those around me. It may not help that my Mum was luckily enough to be a stay at home Mother (whilst my Dad worked) so I never experienced an alternative growing up. Likewise, my husband's parents were similar so he tends to assume, in a terribly frustrating way, that "we'll just work it out when the time comes", but I prefer to plan, and I just want to scream at him that it isn't the 1980s anymore.

Please, tell me, is it all worth it?? I look around at my relatively comfortable life and wonder if I would be entering a non-refundable nightmare. At the same time, I do not want to wake up in 10 years and think "Shit, we missed out".

Parenting is all worth it! Especially when you see them grow well with manners and has a great personality.

Giving birth is the easy part, there is no epidural for the toddler years.
But seriously I love it, I have three kids a trashed body and a trashed house. But if you don't really want to, then don't have any it's bloody hard work.

I love my kids dearly but nope. We probably drew a short straw though as both have SN.

I find as kids it was more the completely unrelenting grind. A miserable groundhog day. As teens/young adults it's more never ending frustration, worry and I find more of a responsibility burden as opposed to when they were young and were under your control in regards to them just going along with the decisions made in their best interest. Teenagers/young adults are not the best when it comes to making great decisions which is normally okay as it's part of life's learning curve but when those decisions relate to life and death matters it's a lot harder than parenting little kids.

I have many colleagues who are child free. They have very full, enjoyable and rewarding lives. I also have some colleagues who have had 'typical' kids who are now adults and while none were fans of the kid phase (all can agree on the groundhog day slog aspect) they find it rewarding to have raised kids into good adults that they can now kick back with and have a great conversation over a nice glass of red. They can even trust the kid to pick the red .

The early years are pretty awful - boring, relentless tediousness, no sleeping, crying whining, shitty nappies, etc.

But at the same time, you have these people who are just amazing - out of this world amazing - and who you could no longer be without.

We're in the perfect window right now - out of the baby and toddler years, and not yet into the teen years. And it's actually great. Life is really good.

Having kids pulls you into a community like nothing else. I mean, if you're a recluse, then this probably isn't a bonus, but neither of us are, so this side of things is a real unexpected upside, and that's not even getting into how awesome our kids are.

I'm wary about navigating the teen years, but I'm hoping it will all be OK.

No, I wouldn't change a thing. But to me, having kids was never a weighing-it-up, make-a-list, pros-and-cons situation. Honestly, I think if it is, then you're probably better off just coasting along as you are now.

pffft... I would have been absolutely fine without kids. Being child-free is a great choice. You never have to justify it. Yet I would have had a self-pity party about No-DC thinking I had missed out on something important.

I hate organising other people's lives. And refereeing sibling rivalry. Interferes badly with work & I like to work. The kids do a billion things I don't approve of. You get the whole world judging & tut-tutting you (see any MN thread). You confront your own character defects every time you aren't the perfect parent. Those are the hardest things for me. I guess the best bit is knowing someone will care about you when you're old. You overflow with love for them, sometimes. And I can enjoy them as people... sometimes. My eldest is adult now.

Is parenting worth it?
For me it's a 100% yes. Like anything worth doing it's not easy, but there is so much in it that is wonderful. The not showering alone bit isn't forever, most children only need their parents that intensely for the first few years. When I held my first daughter for the first time it put everything into perspective for me and changed both of our lives completely for the better though. She doesn't sleep but I wouldn't swap this for anything. The privilege of watching her grow is beyond words. I hope if you choose to become a parent you find joy in it.

I'm not at all maternal and didn't enjoy the baby years much. When I see women who are pregnant or who have tiny babies I think 'rather you then me' mostly although I've noticed that I'm softening up on this, and thinking that I might actually rather enjoy being a hands on granny in ten or so years time. We are lucky and have two fantastic children, both of whom will have left home in a few weeks time (which is both exciting and sad). Some struggles along the way but looking back they were pretty minor in the scheme of things. Some of our friends and family have had significant challenges including chronic and terminal illnesses, sudden death, serious mental health issues and developmental delay. Having a baby is a hostage to fortune and a decision that you can't go back on so it's a big decision to make. It's also important to remember that many people have wonderful lives without children, enjoying lower costs, greater earning power and more flexibility and doing all sorts of interesting things.

You risk your marriage, your health both physical and mental, your earning power, your financial independence from your spouse and your independence full stop.

The more money you have the lesser all these risks become. I feel like not enough lip service is paid to how different the experience is with resources both family support and money. Knowing what I know now if I didn't have enough money to throw at a night nanny in the beginning and a nanny later one plus a cleaner then no frankly I wouldn't. The experience of having an easy perfectly healthy baby is lightyears away from having s colicky baby who grows into a child with autism. You don't know what you'll get and need to be prepared for the worst really.

It's also about what you have to offer a child. The world isn't short on people especially half-loved damaged ones. Unless you feel you can really dedicate yourself to being a parent then no I wouldn't for the sake of the child.

A friend of mine once said that children do not stand up in a cost-benefit-analysis.

For the last two years I've been constantly skint and tired. My commute is longer because we had to move to a cheaper area. I can't walk into the kitchen without DS getting upset if I don't walk out immediately with food lol.

But I couldn't imagine my life without him now. He is so beautiful inside and out. So he is worth it.

I am very caring but don't have a maternal bone in my body but my god it's worth it.

Yes it's tough and you don't know the hand you are going to be dealt but it's ok.

Kids are as expensive as you make it, babies don't need that much stuff.

It's tiring but it's survivable and it does get better.

In this first year I've argued more with my husband than the rest of the time I've known him but it hasn't ruined our marriage at all, I think it's stronger.

Freedom, I've just found that the things we do has changed. So we might all go out to lunch together instead of dinner alone and that's ok with us. We don't have much in the way of babysitters.

Sorry wanted to add that people are very quick to tell people the bad stuff, there's tonnes of god things!

Like first smiles, being called mama for the first time, playing and hugs!

Personally I'd say unless you REALLY have the urge to have kids, don't. Don't do it just because thats what most people do in life.
Be really honest about the lifestyle you like/want. I wasn't, I now have a child, it's hugely restrictive to the lifestyle I want to be having. The idea of teenage years terrifies me.

I have glimpses of loving it and hours / days / weeks / months of hating it. Somehow the glimpses are enough to keep me going. I've had one amazing east child, one nightmare. PND, sleep deprived, sense of humour failure - yes to all, but I don't think I would change anything if I had my chance again.

WRT working, don't just assume it makes life harder. It's really hard being a SAHM (I've done both, I've also worked from home with no childcare which was nearly the end of me). Many people relish the chance to be away doing something different and the heavy costs of childcare just hit the early years hardest, so as long as you can manage through that time it all gets better around age 4.

In essence, I believe it's short term pain, long term gain. In the long term you will hopefully have another 1/2/3 wonderful people with whom to share the rest of your life. I've watched my parents' health decline suddenly and I can't bear to think what life would have been like if they hadn't had us. Also, I've made some amazing new friends with whom I have connected on a much deeper level since having children, who I probably wouldn't have had otherwise.

As for labours, it's brutal but pretty short in the great scheme of life. I got v worked up about it before dc1 but now look back on it as a necessary life event that I got over pretty fast.

I once read that there is a switch in your brain that flips when you have children if it didnt people would abandon the demanding crying weeing little terrors upon sight.

Yes all those horror stories youve heard are true but they are balanced out by an experience of unconditional love and joy that no other relationship in your life will ever be able to fill.
Parenting is an emotional response that no amount of mental rationalisation will be able to account for.

Dont have kids your head will be fine and your heart non the wiser.

Have kids and your heart will feel it while your head will be screaming wtf.

It changes everything

Utterly and unequivocally

Forever

And having my DD in my life is the best thing I ever did - and I wasn't remotely maternal

I had such a shock with my first ds. I was one of those who couldn’t find time to shower. I cried every day. I was so anxious, it crippled me. I was in horror at the state of my body, my brain, and I felt so helpless.

I think the one thing you could really test or think about before having children, is how you partner at the moment. Are you the one that sorts things out? Can you imagine your husband playing and being silly? Will he cope with sleepless nights? Will he pick up things like putting the right clothes on the baby or will he have to be told?

I had a lovely marriage. I have a willing but completely clueless partner. My overwhelming feeling is that of disappointment and abandonment and that I had to take on this whole new life I felt desperately unqualified for without an equal partner. We have nearly separated over the unjustified but seething resentment I have that I’m having to lead on the most things. Read about mental load and ask whether your husband would get it and take on his fair share.

I’m on anti depressants and having counselling to work through it all. It’s getting better.

I’m completely in love with my two boys, though I’m not a natural parent and have to work hard to adjust my thinking and find things to enjoy with them. It’s getting better as they get older.

I was always very maternal and I'm a primary school teacher , I have 3 kids and I find it very hard at the moment . They are 2,5 and almost 7, the sleep deprivation is AWFUL, we still never get a full nights sleep but it has improved, DD1 woke at 5am for years , it was soul destroying, I'd feel physically sick everyday , I didn't realize there were so many regressions and wonder weeks and the teething , the fucking teething . I hate that there's so much blame too like when I was pregnant with DC3 a friend asked what I was going to do different this time to ensure DC3 would sleep better as if I'd done something wrong with the first two. Same with fussy eating , you feel it's your fault . And the hardest of all , co parenting , nobody talks about how hard it is , your partner may have different ideas about handling behavior , acceptable food , bedtimes etc nightmare and a lot of my friends feel the same unless they're married to yes men . I love my kids but 3 close together is too much , can't give them all the attention they need , the two girls compete for my attention all day . I'm almost 7 years without enjoying a Christmas dinner or family event , one of Them wants to sit in my lap as I'm trying to eat or wants me to play or go out in the garden with them . Id definitely have children if I was to choose again but I'd stick to 1 or 2 , it wouldn't be so overwhelming.

For me it's worth it. As PP have said, the list you've written is true but for me the good outweighs the bad.

For us the worst bits are mainly related to sleep deprivation as my 16 month doesn't sleep.

The best bits for me are watching the 16 month dance to any music he hears (or without music) and how happy he is to be with his family. My three year old is so proud that she can write her name and that she is learning to count and recognise numbers.

I love my 2 children, but only because I have a husband that supports me: in the evenings he looks after the children and he does his fair share of the housework. If I want to go out by myself on a weekend day I know he'll look after the children for me.

Having children is hard. Life will never be the same again. You won’t be able to indulge yourself in the same way as before e.g get home from work and do whatever you want, go off to the spa / last minute decision to head out for a night out with your DP without having to worry about childcare etc. I used to love clothes shopping especially in shops like Karen Millen, Reiss etc. Now I buy most of my clothes from Sainsbury’s and if I’m really pushing the boat out I might treat myself to something from Joules. Are they worth it? No. Only joking! Yes they are worth it. They are an absolute delight and they light up our lives. All that stuff I had before was just stuff. It had no meaning. When they reach out to you for a cuddle or they cry for you and you comfort them. It’s wonderful.

Yes x1000 I had no clue how amazing it would be.

It’s funny because I’m sure others have said this too (haven’t read the comments yet) but all that stuff is completely valid in a way but at the same time it’s by far the best thing I’ve ever done.

It’s tiring (although to be honest I’m not as tired with a 9 month old and nearly 3 year old as everyone always says you will be). It can be really hard work when they are going through phases but if you do your homework. Understand their development and what works then it’s really rewarding to watch them grow.

I have to say my children aren’t particularly difficult though and that obviously isn’t always something you can predict. I’d never be without them and I’d sacrifice anything (and have sacrificed a lot) to have them both. But it’s hardly the end of your life. Of course you’re not going to shower alone or even wee alone with a toddler! But those years are vanishingly short compared to the rest of their lives and even the rest of their childhood.

I’m not sure you can judge parenting or children as a whole based on the early years. They require a lot financially and logistically and practically and emotionally, as well as being physically very demanding. But it’s not always like that. I’d do it all over again a million times to see their smiling faces in the morning

To see them grow and develop over time is just so rewarding. As babies I remember the first time I saw that look of recognition in their eyes when they looked at me across the room if someone else was holding them. I remember the first time I heard my daughter laugh as a baby. It took us many years and ivf before we were able to have our first. They were definitely worth all the initial heartache and years of fertility investigations. I would go through it again and again if I had to. Only last night I was discussing this with my husband - I feel so sorry for people who desperately want children who for whatever reason are unable to.

If you're remotely anxious, being a parent will exacerbate it.

This is true. In fact if you are remotely anything being a parent will exacerbate it. Careful, generous, lazy, emotional, angry, disciplined, critical, perfectionist, intuitive...