Honest question... Is parenting worth it?

[Fagin99]

I'm at an age where Husband and I seriously need to consider starting a family in the next few years. Despite being a very nurturing person and always assuming that I would be a mum one day, I've never been massively maternal, and all the horror stories I hear from friends/family/online about parenting sadly make me wonder whether it's all even worth it.

The main complaints I hear (and which frighten me) are:

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: not being able to even shower without a child needing your assistance let alone have any kind of life for yourself.
2. The expense: how does anyone these days afford everything involved (including Childcare) when my generation struggle to even get on the (tiny one-bedroomed) housing ladder?
3. The exhaustion. The relentless exhaustion on only a few hours sleep a night. For years on end.
4. Fitting in work: Due to the problems with point 2, how does one even fit in childcare around both parents working and a commute? All on an average salary?
5. Ruining a marriage: I can only imagine the marriage and quality time with your spouse comes last after everything else is attended to.

This may seem really negative but it's genuinely the impression of parenting that I get from those around me. It may not help that my Mum was luckily enough to be a stay at home Mother (whilst my Dad worked) so I never experienced an alternative growing up. Likewise, my husband's parents were similar so he tends to assume, in a terribly frustrating way, that "we'll just work it out when the time comes", but I prefer to plan, and I just want to scream at him that it isn't the 1980s anymore.

Please, tell me, is it all worth it?? I look around at my relatively comfortable life and wonder if I would be entering a non-refundable nightmare. At the same time, I do not want to wake up in 10 years and think "Shit, we missed out".

I love babies and was lucky enough to work part-time for a long time. Absolutely worth it, no matter how hard it has been the bad parts have been massively outweighed by joy. They are now mostly adults and I have a grandchild, even more amazing. Best bit of advice is to have children with someone who is kind and you share values with, and keep a track of money.

I am certain that had I known how hard it would be, I would never have had children. Raising kids is the hardest thing I have ever done and there were times when it nearly broke me. All those years when I felt like a hamster in a never-ending wheel of drudgery, impossible work balancing, bills coming out of my ears, kids fighting. And then feeling like a shit parent who wasn’t able to actually do anything well because I was spread so thinly. As for childbirth, fuck that.

Fast forward 28 years and I adore my 2 fabulous, confident, no-nonsense, independent, feminist daughters. We have a lot of fun together, laugh like mad and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I have always said that a woman can have a great life with or indeed without children. The trouble is once you’ve had the kid, you can’t take it back like returning a handbag. It’s a great big unknown crapshoot.

Also – just when you think you’ve managed to save some measly amount towards a poverty-stricken retirement, you have to dig deep because they need help getting a house…

Childbirth can be be a mixed bag and depends very much on your physiology. I just delivered an 11lb baby vaginally with no tearing nor cutting, was able to wash and pee within an hour of delivery yet some mums havery more significant injury with a 7lb baby.

The loss of freedom can be an issue if daddy isn't hands on. I felt it for the first 8 weeks with my second ds (was 13 years between him and my first) and struggled a fair bit as my second ds had severe colic and cried for upto 12 hours a day. Once I switched him to formula he improved massively, I don't know if he had an allergy to what I was eating as when I went to GP and health visitor I was told some babies just cry and not taken seriously . Once we got into a routine however life opened up massively and now my 2nd ds at 13 months naps for 2-3 hours in the afternoon and is in bed by 7:30pm until possibly 8am.

Money is a biggie, nursery for my ds costs nearly £800 a month even after tax free childcare is factored in. That's before nappies, wipes, clothes as they grow like sprouts and can mess up fast especially if you get a puker like we did and then formula if breast feeding doesn't work out. That's before school and the stupid costs of some school uniforms.

There are days when I just want a day to myself and others where I can't imagine my life any other way. It must be worth it though because despite hating those first 2 months with my 2nd ds, I now have a 3 week old baby and my 13 month old toddler and coping really well ironically. We figured we would get the crazy out of the way whilst we were already surrendering to it haha.

Theres no wrong answer. It's a great and hopefully rewarding challenge to be a parent. I have teenagers so not sure what the end of our story is. But you can have a complete and meaningful life without children too. Whatever you choose, make the most of it.

All I can say is thank god mine are now grown up and off my hands! I had them young and I am still only 48. OOO, the freedom, the lovely couples holidays, its my reward for the years of slog and aggro!

Yes, 100% worth it. Just don’t go into it with fixed ideas, your child is here to teach you, and you learn daily. General principals are ok, but not fixed ideas. It’s a bit like an arranged marriage, you don’t know who you are going to get.
I guess it can ruin marriages, but it’s made mine stronger.
I was rubbish at the small child bit, but once they can eat, poo and sleep without too much input, life becomes more than just daily survival and it can be delightful.

Chatting in the car today, I was setting out some of the things/behaviours I needed my dc to think about improving. Nothing major, just stuff around the house, their behaviour towards each other. I then said that as I'd asked them to think about things they did, they could tell me anything they'd like me to do differently, or change.

My youngest thought and said "Nothing mum". The oldest said let me have a think, but then said there wasn't anything. This isn't a stealth boast, and let me emphasize that I know it's not that my dc are too afraid to tell me.

I can't tell you what a buzz their answers gave me. The relationship with your dc is unique. The lows can be very low, and I know I've made some poor judgements and decisions in the past. But the highs are like nothing else. Such an emotionally charged relationship is bound to bring it's own stresses, but the good stuff is gold.

I think it depends on various factors, mainly

1. What is the child like? They may be great sleepers, easy babies, etc. Or the complete opposite. They may have SN which brings challenges of it's own.

1. Your support - will your partner pull their weight? Do you have people who can help out?

My own experience is that even with a fairly easy baby and excellent sleeper (only at night!), and DH who definitely does fair share of baby and chore duties, the early days were tough. I'd been awake for 27 hours before birth and she arrived all of a sudden very quickly. I was exhausted, and continued to be exhausted for a long while after. A 3 hour stint of sleep was a luxury. The sleepy snuggly newborn days went by in a fog of sheer knackeredness, I didn't appreciate what is supposed to be such a 'special' time because I was flat out on empty and had a good bout of baby blues.

The fog does lift though. I found 2-3 months a hard slog, she was a grump and prone to upset screaming fits where her whole body went red and I didn't know wtf to do. From 4 something clicked, we got a routine and now at 7 months she's started to move, we're weaning, she's developing a cheeky personality and is in general a very happy girl! For me, it was lovely when she started getting a bit more interactive!

I've started to get 'me' back too, been on a couple of nights out, an overnight spa stay etc. With regards to my relationship with DH, we just tried to be considerate of each other. Sometimes it was hard, 'who's more tired' is a crap contest tbh but chances are you'll still do it anyway! But we are a team and I can honestly say baby and chores is a 50/50 apart from he can't breastfeed obviously He also tried to make sure I had some me time, even if it was 20 mins to have a sit down or shower.

All in all, yes it's worth it. It IS hard. The old adage is true, no one can really explain it, you have to experience it for yourself. You may well think oh fuck what the fuck have we fucking done in the early sleep deprived days. But, it is worth it. Although ask me again in 2 years when toddlerdom strikes and again in 16 when fingers crossed she won't morph into Kevina the teenager

Oh yeah, the shit bits are REALLY shit but conversely the good bits are REALLY good! The best parts of life. Nothing else in life compares to the good bits of parenting.

That’s not to say you can’t have a lovely life without kids, though. I Suppose you just wouldn’t be experience that particular aspect of life. The same way i’ll Never experience fabulous exciting holidays every year like a childless couple maybe could.

I tell you what I hadn’t really considered before that is so great about being a parent. Just how much you come to value and love your own little family unit and Home over a few years gradually without even noticing it happening, and this becomes really apparent once the kids get into early teens and you can have some interesting conversations with them etc. At that age the relentlessness of the actual childcare is over, and you really start to value them as individuals and discover their talents and qualities they’ll have as an adult.

DH and I were only taking about this the other day, he was feeling guilty because he had suddenly realised lately that he no longer feels as close to his own parents and siblings anymore in middle age in the same way he’d felt as a youngster when they felt like the best mum and Dad and brothers ever. As he’s got older their foibles and more irritating aspects of their characters have become clarified in his mind whereas he wouldn’t have noticed them when he was living in the family home when young. He said he just felt that all his really strong emotional ties and feelings of belonging and loyalty are to us now and his own family home - his parents’ house where he grew up just felt like the house where he goes to visit his parents rather than “home”.

I realised I knew exactly what he meant. It’s the way you might all bicker and get on each other’s nerves a bit sometimes if you are on holiday, say, once your kids are teenagers but if ever another family took issue with one of you, or made a nasty comment, that’s it, you’d all completely pull together as a “team”. I absolutely love as a parent the way that when you create your own family, you’re creating a separate little unit each member of which has each other’s back.

I realise there are exceptions to this where family relations are strained, but it has only recently that I’ve begun to realise how important the little family unit is to emotional well-being.

I agree FranticallyPeaceful, I think if you really want them that's different, but if you're not really into having kids then it's better not to. There's a lot to sacrifice by having kids. The freedom, sleep, money etc etc. I think a lot of people have kids without really thinking it through, and then they become resentful. I think if you're hugely maternal then the opposite is true. I guess it depends what sort of lifestyle you want to live.

I've never really found it that tiring (18 month old and 3 year old).

Expense, yes there is the childcare / work thing. It is very expensive especially if you have more than one before any funding comes in.

They do change your life more than anyone can ever prepare you for. Some people love it some people find it really hard. Only you can decide what's best for you.

I love life with kids. It's busy and a bit manic and they do my nut in quite a lot of the time, but looking back now if I'd not had them I think I would have missed out big time.

It is a 100 percent worth it in my opinion. I was not maternal at all, my friends all had their babies and I still had no maternal pangs, ( had never looked after or really held a baby )I was quite happy with my career and my beautiful hubby and the life we had planned out......then I just stated to think, well maybe it would be nice and we are "getting on" so to speak age wise ...so we tried for a bit, nothing happened so back to plan A , then our DS came along. I was terrified,happy, excited and probably lots more emotions, all in that split second of being told.

Our DS is our greatest achievement, he is just amazing. It amazes us everyday we have created this wonderfull little human.

Yes it is hard, the burden of responsibility Is the largest I have ever felt, the lack of sleep at times is tough, the lack of personal time can be a hard adjustment but weigh that against the first time you hold them, their first giggle, smile, hug, kiss and step and it is so so worth it.

I never understood and probably underestimated what that love could feel like...it can genuinely bring me to tears I love him that much ( and I'm not a gushy person) it has changed my whole perspective on life and in a good way.....I bloody love it !!!

I think you have to be realistic about what you are willing to "forfeit" in your life if you had to and ask yourselves some really tough questions and be honest. Its ok to admit to being too selfish to have kids, it's not ok to have kids and be too selfish.

No and yes. It's an absolute mindfuck

Haha what a great reply, so true!

1. this depends a lot on family help. I know people who regularly go out because there are grandparents happy to babysit. We don't have that so we don't have much freedom but we know it won't last long really. Before we know it DS will be a teenager and we will miss the time with him.

2. We live in a part of the country we don't like but which is cheap and we have just the one DC.

3. most children start sleeping through by 1 so the sleep deprivation doesn't last that long (there will of course be exceptions).

4. see point 2. We can afford childcare.

5. definitely the biggest downside. DH is sad that as he puts it he only gets the straggly ends of me after work, housework and DS have taken their cut and I get the same from him.

It is definitely worth it to me (although I didn't think that for the first year) but I really really wanted a child. We have also decided to stick to one as we wouldn't cope with more than one, we know our limits. It helps that I have significantly younger siblings so I know that this stage passes so fast and before we know it we will have a teenager who sleeps loads and will be out with friends giving us more free time. The joy that DS gives me outweighs everything else. However I can absolutely see the appeal of a child free life, especially in terms of your romantic relationship.