Honest question... Is parenting worth it?

[Fagin99]

I'm at an age where Husband and I seriously need to consider starting a family in the next few years. Despite being a very nurturing person and always assuming that I would be a mum one day, I've never been massively maternal, and all the horror stories I hear from friends/family/online about parenting sadly make me wonder whether it's all even worth it.

The main complaints I hear (and which frighten me) are:

1. Kissing goodbye to any freedom: not being able to even shower without a child needing your assistance let alone have any kind of life for yourself.
2. The expense: how does anyone these days afford everything involved (including Childcare) when my generation struggle to even get on the (tiny one-bedroomed) housing ladder?
3. The exhaustion. The relentless exhaustion on only a few hours sleep a night. For years on end.
4. Fitting in work: Due to the problems with point 2, how does one even fit in childcare around both parents working and a commute? All on an average salary?
5. Ruining a marriage: I can only imagine the marriage and quality time with your spouse comes last after everything else is attended to.

This may seem really negative but it's genuinely the impression of parenting that I get from those around me. It may not help that my Mum was luckily enough to be a stay at home Mother (whilst my Dad worked) so I never experienced an alternative growing up. Likewise, my husband's parents were similar so he tends to assume, in a terribly frustrating way, that "we'll just work it out when the time comes", but I prefer to plan, and I just want to scream at him that it isn't the 1980s anymore.

Please, tell me, is it all worth it?? I look around at my relatively comfortable life and wonder if I would be entering a non-refundable nightmare. At the same time, I do not want to wake up in 10 years and think "Shit, we missed out".

You think you know what love is until you have children and it's only then that you truly understand that no love will ever (or has ever) come close to the love you feel for your child.

I have 2 DD (5 and 2), both very different pregnancies, different births and different personalities.

Sleep. Yes there are days you feel you could sleep standing up but you do get used to it and what me and DH do is at the weekend, he will get up with the kids on one day and allow me to sleep and then the next day I will be up early to let DH sleep.

Money. Everyone always worries about finances when thinking of having a child and yes, you MAY need to make some compromises but if everyone used money as a reason to not have children, most couples would remain childless. You get by. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need every gadget under the sun for your DC. Babies don't need as much as you think they might need.

Freedom.

I don't remember the last time I went out alone with hubby on a date but a lot of that is because we don't have family nearby to be able to babysit and I wouldn't leave the girls with just anyone. TBH, I don't miss going out and you may have family that can help out every now and then. Also, I do get 'alone time ' when DH stays home so I can go out to meet a friend or go shopping alone etc. Or sometimes he might take the kids out and I will stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't miss nights out though. Been there and done that already.

Marriage.
I think the key is to work as a team. Having children brought us closer and as long as you share the housework /child care, it makes life a lot easier.

Being a parent IS hard but it's the best thing ever and you know how I know? Because my DD told me she had done a 'melted poo' today (she had a tummy ache) and to me that was the greatest thing I had ever heard!

Also re giving birth. I was induced which is supposedly more painful but it only took two hours and I only needed two paracetamol. It's not always horrific.

Yes. It's brilliant and stressful and hilarious and wonderful and exhausting all at once . I wasn't sure I wanted kids till I had them. Best thing that ever happened to me. Sure it's not all happiness and joy all day every day but life isn't like that whether you have kids or not. The best things in life come with a bit of struggle after all. I don't agree you need to wait until you feel maternal enough or whatever. Make a decision and just do it.

I quite like them when they are little but admit to wondering why I've had five when I'm going through the teenage phase.
Hardly any enjoyment whatsoever, just self centred demanding big toddlers.
(Can you tell I have one currently?) 😂

I have 1 and he will be an only one. I suffered from horrendous pnd and nearly 6 years later I'm still not 100%. We bumble along and make the most of the good days. Your life will change. It's an adventure with no map. You are the only person who can make the decision

I don't know why people say you don't even have time to shower. Maybe this is if you have several children? Or a partner who is useless. Otherwise he looks after kids while you have shower, or you take a shower while baby is asleep

My kid's been chatting nonsense in my ear all bloody day, was so happy when 7pm hit for some peace and quiet. Now I'm sitting here reading these posts trying to keep myself from going and getting her out of bed and bringing her into mine for a cuddle true love.

Haven't rtft but I have three kids. They're wonderful people (OK surly teens) but seriously if you must have any, just have one. I'm sure other people will have covered the reasons why but I wouldn't do this given my time again.

It's so crazy but yes it is. First three months were mental. I wasn't very happy. Probably would have got PND if I didn't have family so close by. Didn't love meeting competitive mum's. By 6 months she was sleeping better. Got some mum friends who I got along with. Got in to a routine. And so on. She's now ten months and doing new things all the time, turning in to the sweetest little chum of mine. It gets easier.

Met a cousin today - hers are 11 and 17 - and she says she loves how they are so grown up and just do everything for themselves. I can't wait to get to that stage, but I do love my squishy little baby and don't want her to grow up!

It can be hard but is also a lot of fun. Remember your friends are probably needing to talk about the difficult bits. Ask them if they think it’s worth it.

Having kids is great and I'm really glad I did it despite costs, exhaustion etc.

But you know what gets to me? The monotony! Same pick up and drop off every day, same nighttime routine, the same 7 dinners on rotation. Fuck it can be so boring! I love my children but there are times I want to get off the hamster wheel because it can be really boring and one can start to become boring too.

I think the answer to that is to ensure you don't lose yourself to parenting and try to keep your hobbies or interests or just have 30 minutes of reading a book, not just doing stuff for your children.

I'm single and work ft so that makes it hard. It's a lot easier to make it work with parent who are together!

So my message is go for it OP but ensure you don't lose yourself and keep your husband!

I had all your worries, including the fear about the horror of birth. I also worried about any problems our baby might have.

The downsides. Our toddler is 2 and I've found I aged a lot, never got my slim figure back, never have time to pursue my hobbies, shop or exercise. I'm fitting work in but don't feel like I can advance there. The romantic side of our marriage has been shelved, we are stronger as partners but have very little quality time with each other. I hope that will come back eventually.

Yet it is all so worth it, there is nothing that compares, you can't describe it. You have to plunge headlong into it and that's what makes it so exhilarating and crazy and special. Having a baby made me feel truly awestruck about life and that feeling has stuck with me as he grows. I had never truly felt what 'life' is all about until we became parents. It is magic.

The exhaustion and sleeplessness is temporary, even if at the time you feel like a zombie and can't face another day. It passes.

They’re better than anything you have now including your husband - yes I couldn't imagine this before but both me and DH absolutely love our son more than each other!

I second the poster below splishsplash

No regrets at all - yes, there have been very hard times, not all directly related to having DD, but she's (now 5) a brilliant person, learning and coming on so much all the time - it's amazing, and she's such good fun & company.
Childcare is expensive, I managed to condense my hours, and STBXH jiggled his days so didn't work 2 days in the week but worked Sat, which still helps massively now she's at school.
The time between returning to work & getting some subsidised hours, and then school are the hardest financially- you certainly don't need to buy new or spend much at all on the essentials.

Sorry posted before I finished.

You think you know love and might love your husband but seriously the love you can feel for your child is unimaginable.

My daughter hasn't stopped chatting or asking for things or following me around all day, she's had messed up the toys I spent all morning tidying. She follows me to the toilet or shower, she asks me for things constantly when I am trying to eat, she has become a nightmare at sleeping waking 2 or 3 times until I put her in bed with me. But I love her so much it hurts, her little personality amazes me, the fact she adores me as I am amazed me. She wants to look like me, dress like me.

The funny thing is she's my third child and you would think I would feel differently by now but I don't, yes I'm exhausted, yes we can't go out as much, but we sat watching sex in the city 2 (over 2 evenings due to kids waking up) and agreed with my husband that life without kids would be so boring to us, and meaning less.

Million percent worth it
They make life worth loving and make you want to make yours and their lives the best they could be
And love is like no other love

All of your fears are real. Being a parent requires unimaginable sacrifice, and for many life is unrecognisable. There is life before kids, there is life after kids. They are different lives. The early years are hard. But, in my experience, the thing Bill Murray says in Lost in Translation about them being the most interesting people you'll ever know, and the only people you'll really want to be around is starting to come true now those relentless days are easing.

That said, if I had a crystal ball 5 years ago, and could see into the future without knowing my children or feeling the love I have for them, would I choose motherhood for the experience? I doubt it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, with bugger all recognition or reward.

I'm glad I had children because I'm glad of their existence. I love them, and I think they love me too. And so far the love outweighs the shitty bits and the cataclysmic life shift. But the scales don't fall that way for everyone, and you won't know until it's happening. It's about taking the chance and hoping for the best.

Ds was prem with significant medical needs. 18 months in and out of hospital, 4 months being our longest stay over his first birthday. He's 3 now, still some delays, still some medical concerns, some behaviour issues linked to being non verbal. Had to give up work to care for him, holidays etc are a nightmare as he's on o2 and tube fed.

Absolutely worth it

My experience has been that it’s really, reallys fucking hard until about 2.5. I’m not great with babies. I love my one year old DD to the ends of the earth but she tests me on an hourly basis and nothing entertains her and I don’t feel like a good Mum to her.

I felt this way the last time round too. But DD1 is 3.5 now and she’s just the best. She’s my little shadow. She is funny and easy going, good company. And that drives me with DD2 because all too soon the hard bit will be over.

All the negatives that you pointed out are true, in my experience. I’d still say it’s the absolute best thing we ever did. They are my whole entire world.

IME, pregnancy, birth, newborn: appalling.

My marriage did end, and that had a lot to do with the introduction of our DC, but only inasmuch as it served to highlight pretty starkly what a selfish cunt I married. Without DC I'd have got there eventually, I'm sure. I'm grateful for the clarity it brought.

From about 14 months onward: fucking brilliant. He's my best friend (yeah I know people have reactions to that sometimes but ya boo); he's funny, kind, thoughtful, insightful, ridiculous, challenging, argumentative, optimistic, fabulous. I love everything about him and I don't think I've felt that way about anyone ever. I'm so immensely proud that I've managed to make something so utterly utterly good.

I wouldn't change anything about any of it. It's been wonderful. It's a miracle he's here at all and I was very settled to the idea that I couldn't have any children and would instead have a comfortable adult life filled with travel and so on; but when I think of that alternative universe I feel no longing whatsoever.

Should probably also mention that birth complications necessitated 5 surgeries (incl hysterectomy) and 3 years chronic pain. Still worth it!

Yes it's worth it. The first few years are hard but then going through A levels and GCSEs is too. It's a lifelong commitment.

But yesterday my DD18 and I went to Ikea, we spent the afternoon building shelves together and then we went to a comedy club together. Such fun.

But if you have to ask - it might just not be for you.

It is worth it and I can still say this while I'm in the threenager stage, barking orders at me and telling me I'm a stinky butt and she doesn't like me. Pregnancy, while that brings it's own struggles, you bond with this little human that is yours alone. The new born part you make sleep sacrifices but you get baby cuddles which are amazing. Toddler stage is difficult but you have to understand that it's only temporary (I'm on my 2nd toddler now so I can see further ahead). I also have a 9 year old and am starting to see the hard work of parenting actually working. You will definitely lose the freedom of being able to make plans on a whim and financially your kids will take priority but I don't begrudge them one bit. Make sure you discuss parenting with your partner beforehand. One may have to be bad cop, other good cop. You will have to stick to this forever. I'm sure you will have lots of parents tell you that 80% of the time Its pretty shite but that 20% of niceness makes up for it totally. I often have much of my day not very nice with the kids but a nice cuddle and something cute they say makes up for it entirely. Kids are totally worth it. They have changed my world completely but I wouldn't be without them and I love them with every part of me even when they are not very nice! Unconditional love is very very real

Like many others I wasn't at all maternal but always just assumed I would have kids.

I had easy pregnancy and loved feeling them kicking. Pretty straight forward births. Sleep was not good for either of them but theyve been reasonably easy otherwise. I love them so much, but, they did show up the cracks in my relationship with their dad and we separated when the youngest was 1.

But then, if we couldn't get through the baby as the together I don't believe we were right for each other (even though he was my dream man before).

But I couldn't imagine my life without them. They are amazing

Yes, yes and YES!

This thread just shows though that everyone's situation is unique. For example a PP said that it's all downhill from newborn and that if you're even a little anxious it'll be exacerbated - I found the opposite. It's been better every day since the end of the dark days (first six/eight weeks!) and my anxiety is a thing of the dim and distant past.

I have a two year old who is heaven and an eight week old who I'm just learning to love!