How do parents of two or more manage it?

[helvetica01]

We have a colicky four-month old with reflux in the midst of a sleep regression. I am totally tearing my hair out. She cries during the day, cries during the night, and I feel sad and like a terrible mother. We've seen the GP and there isn't much they can do, and I know we just need to ride it out. We don't have family nearby to help.

My question is: how do those with a toddler and a baby do it? Our plan is to have two children, but I'm now worried I will never cope as this one alone is just such a handful. How do you do it? Does it get easier?

I thought exactly the same as you. Was really sad that DC1 was going to be an only child! But I've got two now.

Babies get way way easier. 4 -5 months or so is probably the worst. You spend the first six months getting your breath back after the bombshell arrives in your life then they all go changing again and you're onto weaning and crawling... but it does get easier. PROMISE.

All babies are different so your second could be far more chilled. It's always going to be next-level tough for the first few months when the sibling arrives but that's the toughest it'll be (in my experience) so get all the help you need until life settles down a bit.

I've got a 3 year age gap and in some ways it's easier than the 2 year gap all my friends have as DC1 can be reasoned with slightly more, can entertain themselves a bit better and can get more involved, but also threenagers are SO EXHAUSTING. They already giggle their heads off at each other though!

You're not a terrible mother. DC1 was colicky for over 2 months and it was awful. I have videos of the crying and it still makes me really upset to see. But it cleared up and they slept really well after around 6 months. (DC2 doesn't have colic or anything but has taken a lot longer for sleep to settle down. The annoying thing is everything throws sleep off - colds, teething, gas - so it can be pointless obsessing over numbers of wakeups and trying to predict a 'pattern' and getting really upset if it seems to be going backwards!)

In my opinion I think your more relaxed with your 2nd, 3rd etc child. It doesn't mean it will be any easier having another I just think with mine I was so worried I was doing everything right with my first I panicked over everything. I too thought I was a bad mother at times. I'm probably not wording this right but with my 2nd n so on I trusted my instincts a bit more, recognised the crying a bit more what was for attention and what was pain. All babies are very different always said if I had my 3rd child first I dunno If I could of had anymore. Completely opposite as a baby to the first two. But still went on for a fourth :)

My DD was exactly the same around they age, colic, reflux, screaming! It brings my anxiety back just typing this. Lol!

But by 6 months, she was a completely different baby. Shes so relaxed, happy, a good sleeper and good with her food! She'll be 8 months next week and I'm 9 weeks pregnant with DC2, so don't let it put you off, it definitely does get better!

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Reading your stories has given me hope! It's a dark phase but I'm glad to it's just that: a phase.

I'm in your position but am very lucky to have an 'easy' DC2. Had I had my two the other way around I'd have been tearing out my hair too as my first was very reflux-y. Those parents who appear to cope amazingly well have, in my experience, relatively 'easy' child(ren). Don't worry it'll get better!!

I agree with Mumof4, it’s much easier with your second baby. First time round you have no experience, you’re terrified that every high temp is meningitis, every sniffle is pneumonia, you worry about feeding, you worry about sleeping!
The constant anxiety not only wears you out, I’m sure your baby picks up on it and is more unsettled.
With the second, you are so much more relaxed. You ditch the babycare manuals, you know what’s best for your own child, you project calmness. Also, you have to juggle the needs of your toddler- you can’t spend all day fretting about what the baby is or isn’t doing right!
I was surprised how much simpler it all was with my second. Thankfully, as my DH died before her first birthday, and I was managing a 2 year old and an 11 month old on my own...

I'm so sorry about your DH @Babdoc you're an absolute hero mummy!

also OP when you have your first it's like a long dark tunnel with no idea of what happens next, you kind of assume the way it is now is the way it'll always be.

When you've had one you realise how short each little phase is and can be ready for the next one! And you realise how short the time is that they're so little. What's that saying: the hours go slowly but the years fly by...

I have three children. The first was a dream. The second two less so. The oldest was 3.5 the second 21 months when number three arrived.
I am still punch drunk but oldest starts school in September and 2.5 yr old will be at nursery four mornings a week so I’m hoping that helps.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done especially logistically but I keep saying this will pass. And it will!

Have a 3+ age gap!

Put your baby on her belly across your knees and gently rock your knees and rub her back.. my mum showed me when Mine had colic and it kind of worked for them both
Could try it see if it’s any help

It's not you being a poor parent. Some babies are just much harder work than others. My first was quite easy and contented so i felt like i was doing ok, my second was really highly strung and a bad sleeper, so i found having a baby and toddler really hard. Your next one might be easy or your baby might have become easier when they are a toddler.

Aw! Give yourself a break! Having your first baby is like learning to swim when drowning. You’re still in the really early days, it will get easier and at some point you’ll feel ready for another. But give yourself time. 4 months is nothing! When DD1 was born I was really clueless and really found it hard adapting to my new life. But when she was 12mo I felt totally ready for another. I have 21m between my first two and all being well will have 23m between two and three. Going from zero to one was infinitely harder than going from one to two.

For the time being I would invest in a good sling and carry the baby round as much as possible. Sorry the Dr isn’t being much help, but 4mo is probably the most difficult age! It will pass!

I won't sugar coat it; those were dark years. Had two under two. It was basically like a divorce in that DH had to focus on the older one's routine and I was with the baby. Our life saver was taking every other night with the baby (toddler slept OK).
It got easier when youngest was potty trained. Now they are nearly 10 and 8 and pretty great together.

I have 6 month old DTs, so no idea of what a singleton is like! One is easy, the other is quite vocal, but they like to switch, and sometimes duet. There’s no time for worrying, I just wing it and hope for the best!

I agree 4-5 months is a bad phase. You feel like everything should be improving and you should know what you're doing by now but in reality your baby isn't sleeping, you have no idea what all the crying is for, you keep hearing mythical tales of babies that are sleeping through by that age....it will get better. I found from 6.5 months onwards parenting gets so much easier. DS was like a completely different baby. We are now ttc number 2 and DS is 14mo. We know the first six months will be hell but as others have said, it does actually pass so quickly and we are more prepared now for what it is like.

I used to joke (years later!) that dd1 used to look at me as if to say "you have no idea what you're doing, do you? " and start bawling. I 'd say "no!" and join in!

having my first was like having a bomb go off in the middle of my life! It was blown to smithereens and I had to rebuild a new one, slowly and painfully! DH is forces, so he was away a lot. I had a little postnatal exercise class that kept me sane, especially thanks to the friends I met there.

You muddle through, it gets easier and then you feel ready to do it again! It is definitely easier second time round. I ended up with 3 under 5. Lots of people asked how I coped but looking back it was one of the happiest times of my life, believe it or not!

This hard bit will pass! Honestly, they get more fun!

My eldest was the evil refluxy colicky baby from hell. We went onto have a second! The second time around we knew that the horrible stage didn't last forever. We also knew most of the things to do to settle a grumpy baby so it was a bit easier. Although, frankly after our eldests constant crying all evening, anything remotely better would have seemed easy in comparison!! Thankfully youngest didn't have reflux as bad, he at least napped more than 30 mins a time and didn't spend 3 hours crying every evening.

They’re all so different. Our DD1 was (and has continued to be) hard work with pretty much everything. DD2 is still only a tiny baby but the first couple of months with her have been a completely different experience, she is so very, very easy! In the nicest way possible, she’s just slotted right in to family life with minimal fuss. I think I’m probably a bit more relaxed about everything which helps too.

I used to think the same as you OP. How on earth would I manage a school run/swimming lessons/toddler tantrums as well as a baby?

I agree that they’re all different. My first was an absolute horror. Screamed blue murder and projectile vomited. Second was an absolute dream. Sometimes I’d plonk her in a high chair and get distracted doing jobs and I’d forget all about her! She would sit and smile for ages. Sadly, my third was worse than my first and we were back to square one!

First babies often scream if they’re left alone (when you go to the toilet/shower/stick in a load of washing) but second babies have their older sibling to keep them company. They are generally more content.

Looking at purchasing a trampoline for my children, I have three and one due in November. My eldest is four! 😃 I want to buy a big trampoline that will last years and the children can all play on. Tried a Berg 17x12 today which was good but expensive. Any tips and suggestions, greatfully received.

It's bloody hard. I have zero help or support.

Met a lady the other day who had 5 kids - she said it was easy. Then it turned out she had both sets of grandparents on hand plus various sisters/sister in laws etc to help out when needed and give her a break!

But you manage because you have to. I'm just coming out of the fog - 5 yr old and 4 yr old here. Challenges are different now..some things easier some things a lot harder.

Personally I wouldn't recommend such a small age gap unless you do have help! It was like twins but without the sympathy!

I think you’re on the wrong thread livelife, but I have a TP trampoline that’s fab! We’ve had it 6 years and it’s still going strong. Think it was £450ish.

My daughter's children are 19, 8, 6, 5, 3 and 10 months. The 19 year old has left home. I don't know how she copes (she home schools as well) beyond being ultra relaxed about things. She lives 200 miles away from us. I do know though, that she could have written your post when the 19 year old was a baby.

It is hard and I used to wonder how on earth I would cope when I had dc1. I think mostly by massively lowering my standards.😅
I didn't think I was a perfectionist before but I did want things a certain way and got stressed if they weren't. I had a 21 month gap and my benchmark became 'ah well at least they're not BOTH currently screaming their heads off. I had a lot of guilt in the beginning but they honestly get so much from each other and it's so lovely watching them hold hands or giggle together.