How do parents of two or more manage it?

[helvetica01]

We have a colicky four-month old with reflux in the midst of a sleep regression. I am totally tearing my hair out. She cries during the day, cries during the night, and I feel sad and like a terrible mother. We've seen the GP and there isn't much they can do, and I know we just need to ride it out. We don't have family nearby to help.

My question is: how do those with a toddler and a baby do it? Our plan is to have two children, but I'm now worried I will never cope as this one alone is just such a handful. How do you do it? Does it get easier?

I have twins and as babies they both had colic.

You cope because there isn’t a choice. And you get through it eventually.

You never know what you can do until you are tested.

We had a five year gap by choice, because the eldest (a boy) was lovely and so easy as a baby, apart from three month colic, but became the two year old from hell. I needed to work and we had no family anywhere nearby, so two kids close together in age was not our choice. Our daughter born over five years later was such a beautiful baby and also a very easy toddler. I would have liked more kids but DH was not in agreement.

As adults, the pair of them get on so well together and have a great relationship. There was no sibling rivalry whatsoever, because by the time the little one came along, our son had started school and had lots of his own interests. He was very protective, treating her with the love of an older brother rather than a rival for attention. Once on a summer family day out, she was stung by a wasp. He said that he was really cross at the wasp and wished it had stung him instead because he would not have cried and it wan't fair of the wasp, because his sister was only a baby. He loved her to bits. This is still how it is, the pair of them are really close and get on like a house on fire.

Other Mums used to actually lecture me at the time about how much better it was to have children very close together in age, but as a rule those that did, were able to stay at home. Some later regretted this when they had no career to return to afterwards, at that point I knew we had made the right choices for us.

Why is there nothing you can do for the reflux? What meds have you been given?

I could've written this post 5 yrs ago- DS had reflux and was such a hard baby. He was prescribed ranitidine at 4.5.months and it all started to get a little easier. It took 4yrs to forget how hard it was!

DD is now 9wks. She has a bit of reflux but thankfully not as bad. She's on gaviscon. Agree with pp's who say it's so much easier second time.. it's not as overwhelming as the first and you know it won't last forever. DS is also a great little helper now and I love the 5yr age gap!

I have the same questions as my baby DD often can't be put down without screaming and spends hours feeding. If I had a toddler they would just have to fix their own dinner and put themselves to bed.

Thank you everyone for further insights. I think one PP hit the nail on the head - it's easier when you know it won't last forever. I remember being in despair in the early days when she wouldn't sleep unless in my arms, as I was getting zero sleep, but it passed in a couple of weeks and had I known that I would've powered through.

I do envy my parents though, who had so much more support from their parents when they had babies. We live in London and our parents are a few hours' drive away; it's a shame that we rarely get a break.

@CremeDeSudo we have tried Ranitidine but I'm not sure we saw a difference, and the baby was terribly distressed by the bitter medicine. We are going to persevere with Infacol and gripe water for a bit longer...

I have a 16 month age gap between my two with DC2 being 8 weeks old currently. My DP works 6.5 days a week and sometimes up to 12 hours a day at busy periods so he is as much help as a soggy breadstick.

not going to lie its been difficult the last few weeks, peaking at about 6 weeks with me threatening to leave DP because it all felt so shit.

but day by day its getting easier and as other posters have said you know what is coming with DC2 and you have learnt how to child wrangle with the first one.

DD1 and and DD2 have both screamed and screamed, DD1 was so bad that at 4 months I was the only mother at baby sensory not complaining about the 4 month sleep regression because DD1 had nowhere to regress to, it couldn't have got any worse than it already was!

I remember sobbing into my supper every night at one point because DD1 wouldn't stop crying long enough to let us eat and I couldn't work out what was wrong with her and would be going backwards and forwards trying to soothe her whilst my food went cold.We tried infacol, gripe water, all the winding poses you name it, nothing seemed to stop her crying. DD2 is exactly the same but unlike DD1 I just go and cut up my food into bitesize pieces and hoik her over my shoulder where she will be quiet for a bit, or not

You constantly feel like you are on the verge of not coping in the early days, but then without you really noticing it gets easier and easier as they start developing routines and having proper bedtimes.

@pastabest sounds like you're doing a fab job :) I especially like the hoiking her over your shoulder and continuing with dinner bit. We do this too now!

You just do, because you have to. Mine are 5, 3 and 2 now and they're at the easiest they've been so far.

You'll make it through! I promise. And you'll look back and think NEVER AGAIN! :D

Maybe someone should write the one handed meal recipe book

Just attach a nose bag for hands-free eating!

My neighbours have 5 children and a dog in a small house. 3 of the children are under 3 (twins). I don't think they cope at all. The arguments and shouting starts around 7am and ends around 9pm, with very few breaks. Both parents are at home all day. I honestly don't know why people have more than one child.

People have more than one child because it's lovely for the children and lovely for the parents, once the awful stage is over. I'm an only child and have wanted a sibling since my teens. It wasn't lonely growing up but it's a bit of a shame now not having someone who understands fully your complex family situation.

It's not always lovely. I hated my brother and sister and they hated me. We still hate each other as adults and have no contact. I tell my daughter she's lucky to be an only child. She can pick and chose friends that she gets along with instead.

My neighbours don't sound like they're having a lovely time either. Not even one minute of loveliness.

A bigger age gap helps. Once they are 3, you can get 30 hour funding (not really 30 hours in reality) but it helps. We had two before this 30 hour thing, so with 15 hours and two lots of childcare vouchers, DC1 was at full day nursery 3 days a week. On the off days, I signed her up for gymnastics and dance. Both are unaccompanied. So an hour for her to be exercised with me sitting down with baby.

So look for a 3+ year gap and you won’t end up with a toddler and a baby type situation so much.

And it’s lovely now they are 7 and 4. DC2 goes to nursery full time but o take her out for days over summer because she keeps DC1 company. If DC1 goes to a playground or soft play alone, she feels lonely.

I have 3 and about to have 4 - it does get easier with experience. Also, babies are all different - my eldest was colicky, then Ds2 was so mellow as a small baby, the first few weeks I couldn't believe it and kept waking up at night in a panic because he had slept for 6 hours straight, my boobs were so engorged and I was in a panic he'd died

However, my colicky reflux baby was the easiest toddler by a mile, still a sensitive personality but never had the 'terrible two / threenager' stages you hear about, and has barely thrown a tantrum in his life. My mellow baby however, is a total diva at 5! DS3 has been somewhere between throughout.

Do what you need to get through this first stage, it's not your fault or your baby's fault, and soon you'll be seeing improvements and excitement with new stages like weaning and crawling, which also tend to improve things for fussy babies. Good luck!

I get the impression a smaller gap can be harder when they are younger but potentially easier when they are older.

OP keep your babies head above stomach at all times it really helps.
Towel under the matress etc

Usually stops the constant crying and let's the baby catch up on some sleep

Try it for 2 days and see a difference

My babies are pretty easy. Both slept through by 3 months. I can’t hack sleep deprivation and honestly I sleep trained (controlled crying and gradually adjusting time of feeds) at that point.

So yeah once the sleep aspect is sorted babies are so easy. I have a toddler and a baby and the toddler is 95% of the work and so you barely notice the 5% that is the baby. Now when I have 2 toddlers that will be “interesting” but then there will be the advantage of them being able to entertain each other.

That said I’m totally planning a nice 3-4 year gap before I have the next one. Mainly because I want to lose weight but also because I have a handle on things now and I want the kids to be more independent before we have any more.

I had a 3.5 year age gap! And kept dd in childcare 3 days a week.

@DieAntword did you sleep train with controlled crying at 3 months? I'd heard it's not be done before 6 months but maybe that wasn't right. I'm trying to get her to sleep without having to be fed to sleep but she's not letting me win that easily...