New mum angry with baby

[elledubya]

I don’t know where else to turn for a bit of solidarity without fear of judgement, I hope it’s ok to post on here about this.

My LG is 7 weeks old, and has been having feeding and tummy problems for about 4 weeks now. It’s a long story and I’m already getting almost too much help for it elsewhere, so that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m here because I’ve had a couple of occasions now where I feel so angry and frustrated that I find myself directing it at her. I’ve shouted at her a couple of times and today I picked her up and put her down harder than I should. I didn’t hurt her but a little part of me inside wanted to. She wasn’t even being that bad, she’d been napping so I lay down to have a sleep and the second I did she started to cry for a feed. I ended up turning it on myself and smacked myself really hard around the head. I’ve given myself a bump by my temple, but it’s better than being too rough with my daughter.

I know I should have put her down and walked away, I did step away to calm down but she was screaming and I knew it wouldn’t stop til I fed her so in the moment hitting myself felt like the best option. I don’t think I’m generally depressed, but the last few weeks have been so so hard and I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I just have these moments where it’s all too much, and I haven’t stopped crying now for over an hour. She’s feeding away at my breast but I know when she’s done she may be in pain so I just feel hopeless.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a month’s time as I know I need some help so I can be a better mum. I would call my GP but I’ve had some real issues with them lately so I don’t feel able to contact them even in a crisis moment, the thought of talking to them makes me want to be sick. I just feel like I can’t do this, it was a mistake to get pregnant because I can’t handle the pressure and the sleep deprivation. My mum lost her temper with me a handful of times when I was little, and once or twice in my teens she hit me very hard. We have a very close relationship now but have never spoken about it and I don’t want to make her feel guilty by bringing it up, but I’m now terrified that I’m going to do the same thing one day. There will always be moments where she drives me mad, and I don’t seem to be able to cope with it.

I have support around me but I can’t tell them about this anger, they’ll all worry for my daughter’s safety and I’m already feeling like the worst mum in the world. I feel like I came as close as I could get to doing something stupid today but I stopped and stepped away for a moment, so I know if it happens again I’ll do the same thing - I’m just so scared at how I turned on myself, I’ve done that before but not for many years now. I even work with young people who have mental health concerns and often are self-harmers, so I should already know the advice I’m going to receive!!

I just needed to write this all down, and maybe hear from any other mums who might understand this. I know that most mums could never come that close to hurting their baby, but I beg you not to comment with any judgement - if you think I’m scum, please scroll past. I’d give my daughter up before I caused her any injury, so no one is in danger. I already know I’m failing and feel like the worst mother in the world, I can’t believe this is who I am and I hate myself so much right now. I’m desperate just to hear I’m not crazy, that maybe other people have felt something similar. I’m going to stop rambling on now, thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. X

You need to talk to hv or a counsellor right now.
Not in a month. Far too long to wait.
Please tell h v or go they can arrange support.

You're sleep deprived, stressed and frustrated. It's all still fairly new to you and you're still adapting. Exhaustion and depression do funny things to you. Your experience is in no way abnormal - DH and I have both shouted at DS and got angry because we were struggling to cope. You have to remember that your little one is still just tiny and needs love and care, and doesn't intend to upset you. It's a temporary phase and it will pass.

You need urgent help.

Call your GP in the morning and ask for an emergency appointment for mental health issues.

If they won’t see you, go to a and e.

Being rough with such a young baby is extremely worrying. Please get help for your child’s safety.

And please don’t worry about judgment or whatever: I went to my GP about 6 weeks ago because of anger issues. I felt that I was close to hitting my 3 year old or toddler. There has been no condemnation, no judgment, just lots of support and help.

I'm sorry not to offer any practical advice but the fact that you have written your post and that you know you need help shows that you are a good mum.

You are not 'failing'. It is hard. My LO is 9 weeks old and has also has feeding and tummy issues. She also has very brilliant timing - just waking up and being hungry when I've finally got myself a brew!

If you can't face speaking to your GP, do as cestlavielife says, speak to your HV asap.

Hi love
I had very similar emotions to you when I had a newborn and I also took it out on myself.
I understand where you are.

Please don't blame yourself, you're at a VERY hard stage right now and you need some assistance to get you through.
I went to the doctor and came away with anti depressants which helped a lot.

I promise you that it gets so much easier, but right now you need to call the doc in the morning and make yourself an appointment.

Hugs for you

Sadly I can relate to your post. I’ve been there, done that. The feelings at the time are truly shocking. Looking back I had postnatal anxiety, I should have got medical support but I didn’t. Although my son is older now I still have regrets over some of my feelings and action s towards him as a baby which were similar to yours. PLEASE get some mental health support ASAP. I went to a counsellor, should have taken anti anxiety meds too but I didn’t and I regret that. If I had my time again I’d be straight to my gps for meds and get a lot of support from my health visitor, a counsellor/psychologist and anyone else who I felt I could lean on. Good luck OP but don’t hang about on this. It won’t get better on its own so please get some support on it ASAP.

Give your child a bottle. I know it's hard, I was in the same place, but a bottle will lift the stress 10 fold. MAM ones are great as they prevent colic so her tummy issues might improve

Oh bless you,

Just another saying I've been there too. Please don't beat yourself up. Do get right on the phone to the health visitor in the morning. Mine saved my life when I finally admitted I was struggling when DD was nine months old. You do not have to suffer on your own or for as long as that.

Put baby down in a safe place and walk away. She'll be fine for ten/fifteen minutes in another room while you calm down. Just walk away and have a scream or a cry. If you feel like hurting yourself, please, please do tell someone.

Sending lots and lots of supportive thoughts. You're doing an amazing job. Hang in there. It's not forever and it does get better eventually.

There are lots of us here who know what you're going through and would do anything to help support someone going through the same thing. I'll keep checking back. Keep posting if it helps.

Advice I was given by my health visitor was if you ever feel at breaking point and angry at the baby, put it down somewhere safe (,eg, in the cot) and check it's not too hot or too cold. Then leave the room, go as far away as you can in the house. Put music on so you can't hear the baby crying and make a cup of tea and relax on your own for 15 minutes or so.

Better to leave a baby on its own for a while than stay with it in that situation.

Please call your health visitor or gp first thing in the morning, extra support is there and right now you need it. Do not suffer on your own. As others have said, put the baby down and walk away for a bit. Looking back I can see I had PND after DD1, I desperately wish I'd got help as I was living through hell.

@elledubya - how are you feeling this morning? Are you calling your GP?

For some women anger is a symptom of post natal depression. Please don't blame yourself but for both your sakes, please get help right away from your GP.

Do you have any family or friends who could come and give you some company / a hand / just share a coffee? Doesn't matter if the baby is crying or fussy, guaranteed they will notice it much less than you do, and if you say how hard you are finding it (even if you don't want to tell them the full story, just that you're a bit tired and overwhelmed) they WILL want to help.

Http:www.thejournal.ie/readme/postnatal-depression-anger-rage-1881061-Jan2015/%3famp=1

You're going through a hard time, I remember doing similar when dd was very young, I even considered putting a pillow on her face just to stop her crying once - sleep deprivision is a wicked thing.

Can anyone have the baby for you to rest? I was very pfb with mine and thought I'd be a failure by accepting help. It got to breaking point when I thought people were reading my thoughts and I almost had a breakdown. My dm swept in and took dd overnight for me to rest, I think I slept for about 18 hours and then has the strength to start again, I've been very lucky that the overnights became a weekly thing and it's the only thing that got me through those early months.
It does get easier I promise, every few weeks things change

I also got angry with my newborn at times and shouted at him. I too felt awful and like the worst mother ever. It gets better I promise. Sleep deprivation is incredibly difficult.

Thank you for all your replies, I feel a little less alone.

I ended up calling my mum last night, and she came over and let me go up for a sleep. I was a bit too worked up to sleep well but I had a bath and felt a bit more calm. When my husband came home he was fantastic. He looked after her all night (she takes a bottle of expressed milk with no issues) and told me he'll take care of her tomorrow so I can go out for a couple of hours with friends.

I've got an appointment at the GP at 2pm. I've gone dairy free in the last week or so in case my daughter's allergic, and as I'm already veggie and was anaemic during and straight after pregnancy I think it's all adding to my exhaustion so I'll raise that with the GP as well.

I really don't want people to see that I'm struggling, I was supposed to be good at this. I've always been the person my friends turn to when they have these issues, and I spend my working life counselling young people so I'm the last person who should be feeling this way. Just feel like a massive failure and a waste of space today. I'm letting everyone down, including my amazing little girl who deserves so much better. Sorry for the moan, I promise I'm going to get help so I don't make the same mistake again.

Nobody can predict how they’ll react to childbirth and the sleep deprivation - your hormones and thoughts will be all over the place.

I’ve had counselling in a PND support group and one of the women there had been a nanny for ten years before having a baby - she was very shocked when she found it difficult, as she was as well prepared as anybody could have been!

You’re doing exactly the right thing getting help.

I was where you are around the 6 - 8 week stage. That stage is tough because it's peak crying for most babies. It gets better.

One of the thing I found helpful re anger is trying to catch it as early as possible, but rather than waiting until you feel like you can't take anymore. This means paying attention to physiological signs like your heart beatimg faster, face getting hotter, stomach churning etc and realising that this is the time to walk away.

When you do put the baby down to walk away, a tally focus on relaxing / calming down rather than going over things in your head / judging yourself et.

I don't know if you are experiencing intrusive thoughts (sudden thoughts / images about hurting baby) but if you are, do some Googling and learn more about this phenomenon. It will really help with the anxiety and guilt around this.

I second what others are saying here about needing to get immediate help from a medical professional. Do please contact your hv if you can't deal with your GP xx

It's great that you have managed to be open about this with your partner. I see that they have offered to help out short term. It may be worth having a conversation with them about how they can support you further more long term. Sometimes support can fizzle out once people think you feel better.

I highly recommend this book. It's very insightful (I got my copy from the library).

wordery.com/overcoming-baby-blues-gordon-parker-9781743316771?currency=GBP&gtrck=em5qZFNNRTdpVEZWbzJrOUV2YU94ZTRycjkydmZ1R1ZjZjdhK292QjdYZkw1bHZuUVllUlo4U3dvY2l3RDg0SGZpU2ZEVXJtWEZOMFltRitJTy9DQ3c9PQ&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_4qJz8TD2wIVqL_tCh3QUwsHEAQYASABEgIPevD_BwE

Sending a big hug, and I agree with all the PPs’ advice about getting help, walking away for a break etc. But I also wanted to pick up on your remarks about feeling a failure, of being the strong one who counsels others, etc.
That sounds like you put yourself under pressure to be perfect, that you maybe have unrealistic expectations of being a perfect mum and that you’ve failed to live up to your own impossible standards.
I have news for you, lady - there is no such thing as a perfect mum!
All of us get tired, grumpy, sleep deprived, get things wrong, struggle to care for a baby and house to any kind of standard - that is just normal!
If your baby is fed and clean, and gets some cuddles, then that’s plenty good enough. Stop beating yourself up - in your case, even literally beating yourself.
Give yourself praise for producing an amazing little human, and for caring enough to seek help, and for being perfectly good enough, rather than impossibly perfect.
Things will improve, if you go easier on yourself, have some breaks, accept help. And babies do grow up, sleep through the night, need less hands-on care.
Good luck, OP. Don’t try to do it all alone, and I hope it’s helped to express your worries here rather than brooding by yourself. God bless.

I remember the first 3 months being the hardest. Sleep deprivation, emotional rollercoaster, body still healing. Putting baby down in a safe place and giving yourself time to calm down is great advice. Helped me a lot. Sometimes I made myself a decaf coffee and stepped outside the front door and got some fresh air and a different scenery helped. When breastfeeding I put on dvds and watched my favorite TV shows, it helped me to unwind. My baby hated the pram and screamed if I put her in one so I got a good quality supportive baby carrier/sling and wore that with baby snuggled inside. That made a huge difference for me as my little newborn wanted to be held all the time. I went out to cafes and walks, to the beach, shopping, anything that was relaxing to me before I had my baby. With her in the sling I had my hands free and could do more and she was close to me. Sometimes I was so tired I lay on my side on a rug on my lounge room floor to breastfeed and sometimes I admit that I dozed off. I talked to my dp and asked him to pick her up when she finished breastfeeding if I had fallen asleep. Getting out of the house really helped as you feel a bit housebound and depressed if stuck inside all day everyday. Try not to be too hard on yourself as that can cause greater stress. Focus on ways to help you feel better. Happy mummy happy baby. If you need anti anxiety medicine then speak to your doctor. You be the judge on what you need. If you are overwhelmed try to lessen the load a bit. Let the housework slide a bit, get takeout instead of cooking or cook simple meals, serve it up on paper plates to minimize dishes. I got a slow cooker, chucked everything in, in the morning and let it cook for 8hrs. By the end of the day when I was too tired to cook, no worries dinner was ready and only one pot to clean. I bought a rice cooker from a garage sale too and it is also much easier than cooking rice on the stove. Baby is very new at being in the world, it can be overwhelming for them. You are new at being their parent and that can be overwhelming for you. You're both going to learn together and it will get easier. Love and hugs your way

You're not a failure. Youve recognised you need help and you've reached out to people in your life who can take the pressure off you. That shows that you are the exact opposite of a failure. The help is out there if you can reach it. This stage will pass op. Please be kind to yourself.

Dear god being a mum is hard. My dh and I were talking only last night about how everyone tells you it's hard, but you never really know until you're in the middle of it. My ds is 4 months. I've been diagnosed with pnd and the main symptom for me was how very quickly I'm losing my temper at the moment, something which is very rare for me.

It sounds like you've put an immense amount of pressure on yourself. Saying you're supposed to be good at this, when this is something you've never ever done before, is expecting a lot of yourself, and I totally understand it, I've sobbed exactly the same thing to my dh on more than one occasion when I've struggled. But on top of never having done this before, you're trying to manage on minimal sleep, the physical and emotional after effects of birth, your little one is having these tummy issues, and then you're putting all this pressure on yourself too.

I promise you that your little one thinks you're a fantastic mum, and it's clear you're pushing yourself very hard to do the best you possibly can. Definitely get the help you need, reaching out like that is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of strength, and just more proof that you are doing the very best you can for your baby. But also try and be kind to yourself. It's hard, so very hard, definitely the toughest thing I have ever done. Sometimes you need to walk away, and so long as your baby is safe, going out of the room, punching a pillow (not yourself, you don't deserve that!) or kicking the couch, or whacking some noise cancelling headphones on and turning up the music for ten minutes, whatever you need to do to get back on track, is really fine.

Just know that you're not alone x

Sending so much love to you. I couldn't go through the first 3 months again, i thought i was losing my mind. I would love to write all my experiences with you, but i have a toddler running round my ankles so i will summise by telling you some things I wish someone would have said to me when I was exactly where you are

1. You are exhausted, your mind is exhausted and your body is healing, none of your thoughts are at all representative of what kind of mother you really are,
2. Take the pressure off, so you get angry? Who wouldn't? Your mind and body are screaming out for rest and you're not getting it. That's all! Nothing actually happened, (i have lost count of how many times I hit myself over the head. I figured a bump on my head was better than shouting at baby. So yes. I know exactly what you're going through)
3. This is all temporary, take it one hour at a time and concentrate on the moment. You will get through this and you will feel yourself again one day.
4. Look objectively at baby, they're fed and clean and clothed and safe. They have no idea what's going on in your emotions so take all that guilt away right now. You're not doing any harm to anyone whatsoever, you're just beating yourself up. (I couldn't even look at the newborn pictures for a few months because of how guilty i felt about my PND)

I hope that list wasn't too bossy..?
I would never tell anyone this stuff in real life either, somehow it's easier to write down for strangers to read.

In the first 3 months i thought i would NEVER feel better again EVER. You will, I promise. This is not how life will be forever, but it sure feels like it at the time.

for you xxxxxxxxxxxx

Rage was one of the main symptoms of PND and PNA for me. I remember once knocking over a bottle of formula I’d just made and I flew into a complete rage and threw anything I could get my hands on across the room. I was just lucky that it didn’t strike when the twins were around. There was one time where one of them did something really irritating for about the 100th time that day and I really yelled at him - he just laughed in my face, which fortunately defused the situation and I realised this wasn’t right at all.

They’re 20 months old now and things are so much easier, mainly because they sleep so much better. You’re currently experiencing known torture techniques designed to break a person down.

Also, from one perfectionist to another - do whatever you can to let go of that. I’ve wasted so much energy on unnecessary guilt. Get yourself some help and hold on to the fact that this will pass.