I don’t know where else to turn for a bit of solidarity without fear of judgement, I hope it’s ok to post on here about this.
My LG is 7 weeks old, and has been having feeding and tummy problems for about 4 weeks now. It’s a long story and I’m already getting almost too much help for it elsewhere, so that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m here because I’ve had a couple of occasions now where I feel so angry and frustrated that I find myself directing it at her. I’ve shouted at her a couple of times and today I picked her up and put her down harder than I should. I didn’t hurt her but a little part of me inside wanted to. She wasn’t even being that bad, she’d been napping so I lay down to have a sleep and the second I did she started to cry for a feed. I ended up turning it on myself and smacked myself really hard around the head. I’ve given myself a bump by my temple, but it’s better than being too rough with my daughter.
I know I should have put her down and walked away, I did step away to calm down but she was screaming and I knew it wouldn’t stop til I fed her so in the moment hitting myself felt like the best option. I don’t think I’m generally depressed, but the last few weeks have been so so hard and I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I just have these moments where it’s all too much, and I haven’t stopped crying now for over an hour. She’s feeding away at my breast but I know when she’s done she may be in pain so I just feel hopeless.
I have an appointment with a counsellor in a month’s time as I know I need some help so I can be a better mum. I would call my GP but I’ve had some real issues with them lately so I don’t feel able to contact them even in a crisis moment, the thought of talking to them makes me want to be sick. I just feel like I can’t do this, it was a mistake to get pregnant because I can’t handle the pressure and the sleep deprivation. My mum lost her temper with me a handful of times when I was little, and once or twice in my teens she hit me very hard. We have a very close relationship now but have never spoken about it and I don’t want to make her feel guilty by bringing it up, but I’m now terrified that I’m going to do the same thing one day. There will always be moments where she drives me mad, and I don’t seem to be able to cope with it.
I have support around me but I can’t tell them about this anger, they’ll all worry for my daughter’s safety and I’m already feeling like the worst mum in the world. I feel like I came as close as I could get to doing something stupid today but I stopped and stepped away for a moment, so I know if it happens again I’ll do the same thing - I’m just so scared at how I turned on myself, I’ve done that before but not for many years now. I even work with young people who have mental health concerns and often are self-harmers, so I should already know the advice I’m going to receive!!
I just needed to write this all down, and maybe hear from any other mums who might understand this. I know that most mums could never come that close to hurting their baby, but I beg you not to comment with any judgement - if you think I’m scum, please scroll past. I’d give my daughter up before I caused her any injury, so no one is in danger. I already know I’m failing and feel like the worst mother in the world, I can’t believe this is who I am and I hate myself so much right now. I’m desperate just to hear I’m not crazy, that maybe other people have felt something similar. I’m going to stop rambling on now, thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. X