New mum angry with baby

[elledubya]

I don’t know where else to turn for a bit of solidarity without fear of judgement, I hope it’s ok to post on here about this.

My LG is 7 weeks old, and has been having feeding and tummy problems for about 4 weeks now. It’s a long story and I’m already getting almost too much help for it elsewhere, so that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m here because I’ve had a couple of occasions now where I feel so angry and frustrated that I find myself directing it at her. I’ve shouted at her a couple of times and today I picked her up and put her down harder than I should. I didn’t hurt her but a little part of me inside wanted to. She wasn’t even being that bad, she’d been napping so I lay down to have a sleep and the second I did she started to cry for a feed. I ended up turning it on myself and smacked myself really hard around the head. I’ve given myself a bump by my temple, but it’s better than being too rough with my daughter.

I know I should have put her down and walked away, I did step away to calm down but she was screaming and I knew it wouldn’t stop til I fed her so in the moment hitting myself felt like the best option. I don’t think I’m generally depressed, but the last few weeks have been so so hard and I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I just have these moments where it’s all too much, and I haven’t stopped crying now for over an hour. She’s feeding away at my breast but I know when she’s done she may be in pain so I just feel hopeless.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a month’s time as I know I need some help so I can be a better mum. I would call my GP but I’ve had some real issues with them lately so I don’t feel able to contact them even in a crisis moment, the thought of talking to them makes me want to be sick. I just feel like I can’t do this, it was a mistake to get pregnant because I can’t handle the pressure and the sleep deprivation. My mum lost her temper with me a handful of times when I was little, and once or twice in my teens she hit me very hard. We have a very close relationship now but have never spoken about it and I don’t want to make her feel guilty by bringing it up, but I’m now terrified that I’m going to do the same thing one day. There will always be moments where she drives me mad, and I don’t seem to be able to cope with it.

I have support around me but I can’t tell them about this anger, they’ll all worry for my daughter’s safety and I’m already feeling like the worst mum in the world. I feel like I came as close as I could get to doing something stupid today but I stopped and stepped away for a moment, so I know if it happens again I’ll do the same thing - I’m just so scared at how I turned on myself, I’ve done that before but not for many years now. I even work with young people who have mental health concerns and often are self-harmers, so I should already know the advice I’m going to receive!!

I just needed to write this all down, and maybe hear from any other mums who might understand this. I know that most mums could never come that close to hurting their baby, but I beg you not to comment with any judgement - if you think I’m scum, please scroll past. I’d give my daughter up before I caused her any injury, so no one is in danger. I already know I’m failing and feel like the worst mother in the world, I can’t believe this is who I am and I hate myself so much right now. I’m desperate just to hear I’m not crazy, that maybe other people have felt something similar. I’m going to stop rambling on now, thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. X

Been there. Good grief, it's as tough as tough gets.

I love my kids. Adore them to bits. But to this day, seeing an infant in a sling still sends shivers down my spine. I admire nobody's babies.
It's just too damn much those early days. It's the steepest learning curve for ALL of us.

When those feelings of rage hit, walk away.
Place your baby in the cot.
Shut the door.
Don't worry about the crying. It is not damaging in the least.
Go into another room. Breathe. Cry. Curse. Make a cup of tea. Whatever.
Just disengage.
When you're calm and your breathing is steady, go back into the room.
Don't worry about the baby. So long as the baby is safely in her cot, this gives you time to breathe and climb down from the trees.

I love my kids. You love your LG. The love is there. But man, those first 3 months are terror. When people get excited about their pending birth, I feel deflated for them. Because, unless you're blessed with a very straight-forward baby, it is as tough as it gets.
Hugs and strength to you OP. Release the pressure and just do what you need to do to get by with as much calm as possible.
There is no 'right' way. Your love will see you through.

You're in the trenches, OP. Take your time.

You're on constant demand and under-slept. It is total shit, those early days. I hated them and I have no problem saying this.

PS:
When you're calm and your breathing is steady, go back into the room.

Don't rush this part. Don't leave the room with a view to calming down as quickly as possible so you can rush back in to feed. Leave the room with a view to totally releasing the stress from your body.
Corny as it sounds, I still play Tibetan chants on spotify in the background just to give myself at least the illusion that I am calm!
I feel for you so much because I have been in your shoes!
The one I felt total rage with was DC1, who is now 16 and sitting his GCSEs as I type. He is just an absolute lovebug, yep, even at 16. So, it all worked out and above all, it got better.
Strength and hugs again, OP.

My baby is 15 and sitting his GCSEs this month. He is the most chilled out child. Yet when he was born oh my god those first few months I thought what have I done. I followed the techniques above ie made myself a cup of tea etc etc. It is hell. Use your mum more. And get some help hugs.

Are you feel g anxious? In some people anxiety expresses in the form of rage.

Def go to see your gp ASAP
Sounds like it could escalate into a dangerous situation for you and/or your baby. Good luck 💐

You are not alone.
Another I've been there.
You are not unusual.
Motherhood is one hell of ride.
If one more person tells me to 'enjoy' these early days, I'll slap em.
So glad you have family support.

I've been there, I took it out on myself, I hated myself for it. But I didn't and I still haven't asked for help about it. Everytime I went to something stopped me. My DS is a little older now but I can still feel it there though mostly I feel much better. I worry for when I have another child but think I'll be more well equipped to seek help if I have the same feelings. I massively regret how I was in the early days and I took me almost a year to properly bond with my boy but now I feel like I'm doing ok

OP, I felt exactly the same rage with my DS when he was 7/8 weeks old. It is likely PND and nothing you can do about it, it is an illness. You need support and appropriate help (medication/counselling ASAP). I hope you managed to see the GP. It CAN get better and quicker than you think. It takes serious guts to be honest about how you're doing but you've done the right thing for you and your baby.

Reading these messages of support has really helped me today, thank you all so much. I'm still fighting against these feelings of failure, it's an ongoing battle for me and I've previously had CBT to help me overcome my high expectations of myself. I'll be digging out my old CBT diary to remind myself of the techniques. I've always been embarrassed of my mental health issues, despite spending my life advising people that there's nothing to be ashamed of and that seeking help for depression is just the same as getting help for a physical condition. For some reason I just cannot be kind to myself, it's driving me mad.

I went to the GP today and was prescribed Paroxetine. I'm nervous to start taking them as the side effects are all things I'm already experiencing (nausea, tiredness, anxiety) and I'm afraid to add to it. I will take my first one tonight before bed, hopefully then I'll sleep through the worst of it. I saw a different GP who was ok, but the follow up appointment had to be with the one who made me feel like shit before... I've also got to go for a blood test to check my iron levels, but god knows when I'll be able to do that. Hopefully my MIL can help me out with LG next week sometime.

I did get some good news today - my daughter's paediatrician appointment has been moved up from August to next week, which is such a huge relief. My LG has been less worked up today, we're starting to see a real improvement in her symptoms after 10 days of me being dairy free. I made the decision to cut it out myself as I really felt that could be the issue, so I feel a bit better knowing I made the right choice based on my instinct and knowledge of my daughter. Maybe I'm not so useless at this after all.

Thanks again for all the support, ladies. I need to keep reminding myself that it's ok to need help and I'm not doing any lasting damage to my LG. My husband has also been amazing, saying everything I needed to hear - we're a team, don't take it all on yourself, I'm so proud of you, never be afraid to take a night off if you want to see your friends etc. I'm going out with all my best friends tomorrow and I think that'll really help.

Also, thank you for not judging me. I was so afraid that people would think I was a monster. I even called Mind but hung up straight away thinking they'd call Social Services! It's so hard to remember that others don't see me the way I do xx

My husband has also been amazing, saying everything I needed to hear - we're a team, don't take it all on yourself, I'm so proud of you, never be afraid to take a night off if you want to see your friends etc

Don't forget to take him up on this regularly, not just once. But also if you can get someone to look after your baby then when you're ready make time to go out with just the two of you and remember to always keep talking to him

You need to get help NOW. Not wait for the counsellor. You said your child "wasn't even being that bad".. they're not bad at 7 weeks old. They're going to cry, frustrate you, be demanding. That's just what they do. They are completely dependant and all they want is to be looked after. You need to speak to someone immediately. I am not judging you whatsoever but your baby will pick up on how you're feeling too. Extremely dangerous situation. Get help ASAP and I would recommend you let someone know that at the moment you shouldn't be left alone with the baby. You can't take chances with a 7 week old baby. Good luck.

Sat here applauding you through my Braxton Hicks this afternoon. Keep it up. You're doing so much to help yourself already. Good on your husband as well!

The thing is OP - whatever you have done before in life you hve never been a mum so - and this is said kindly - why would the fact that you have counselled young people mean you 'shouldn't struggle with being a mum?

One reason that being a new mum is so hard is because you are insanely sleep deprived - I worked shifts /night work for a long time before having children and expected it to be 'easy' because I was used to it. actually it in no way prepared me for the fact that you NEVER GET TO SLEEP at all as a new parent - at least only in 2 hour slots.

It's very dangerous to be in a position where you can't be honest about how you are feeling - so of all the things you have said here please consider telling your mum and partner exactly how you feel

and believe me it's very very normal to feel angry / exhausted/ furious/ resentful of your baby

@amyddss I don't know if you've read my subsequent posts, but I have been to the GP today and been prescribed antidepressants. I have also shared my feelings with my mum and husband, who have both offered their support to give me a chance to rest. If I still feel like this between now and my counselling appointment I will go back to the doctor and ask for more help.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but after a day spent putting myself back together and asking for all the help I can get your post really upset me. When I said she wasn't being 'that bad', I didn't mean naughty. I simply meant she wasn't having a bad spell like we have had these last few weeks - a lot of my frustration and anxiety has come from the fact that she's been in pain with her tummy for weeks, I am well aware that it's not her fault (I also know I didn't go into detail about that originally, but you seem to have misinterpreted my meaning). I spent all of last night sobbing and hating myself because I felt like a danger to my daughter. All the other people posting here have encouraged me to seek help, made it clear that this can't continue but have made me feel understood.

Sorry to rant a bit, but sometimes the tone of a comment can really have an impact and yours has left me literally shaking and feeling nauseous. I've done all I can to get support, short of handing her over to someone else to keep her safe from me which I don't honestly think is necessary after all.

Some stuff which I figured out when I was going through this, FWIW:-

The frustration which was directed at my baby was to do with me and not my baby. My baby is still the same but I'm not getting frustrated with him any more, because I am getting better in my head. The frustration was really with myself because I felt like I was doing a crap job as a Mum, and because it's so hard being exhausted and having a baby that you don't know how to help. Once I started to be kinder to myself and take things day by day then they started to get easier. Now I can see how far I've come already and how much I've learned in nearly four months. Give yourself a chance.

A counsellor I saw before my DS was born reminded me of the safety advice on planes: put your mask on before your child's or you will suffocate first. This works as an analogy for mental health too. Those who care for children need more support not less; and they must look after themselves first.

So glad to hear you've seen the GP and that things are moving forward positively, hoping this will be the moment that things start turning around for you.

My DS had colic for about 6 weeks starting at about that age. Every evening crying whenever he tried to suckle, doubling up in pain, poor little thing. Then he'd finally sleep from exhaustion but not have fed enough to sleep well so I'd have a really bad night with him. He's 18 now and I still really remember it at the absolute worst part of parenting, just with the sheer exhaustion and frustration that my tiny baby was in pain and nothing I could do was helping. I did feel close to shaking him or throwing him down roughly in his cot on a few occasions - when I was given the invaluable advice that you can't always stop them crying and don't always have to try. You can leave the room and take a break.

I got though it with that advice and a bit of support and have had no ongoing mental health problems. It was just a really, really tough time. DS had no ongoing health problems or allergies either - I think it was just an immature stomach that wasn't coping well. But so, so miserable for those 6 weeks or so with no solid sleep.

Don't worry OP about comments like that, they're possibly well meant, just the filtering process doesn't work
You've done great today, trial out what he gave you and as my fantastic dad always says "get out and count to 100" , has helped me massively with kids!

You're doing fantastic already, asking for help is the biggest step!

My DD has CMPA (cow's milk protein allergy). It was he'll, she wasn't diagnosed until she was 4/5 months. I feel your pain OP, great that LO is improving.

Sadly I think I'm going to have to take a break from this thread if not come off entirely. It really felt like this was going to help, all the support was amazing. But after the comments about giving up my child I am on the verge of a full blown panic attack.

My husband is due home any minute, for anyone concerned about my baby. As I'm such an unfit mother and a danger to her, I'm sure it will comfort you to know she won't be alone with me much longer.

Please don't let amyddss upset you, just one person in a crowd of people here to support you. That comment would have really thrown me over the edge when I was in your shoes. Of course you can be left alone with baby ffs! Listen to the rest of us, you are doing a wonderful job xxxx

Wtf babies

Did you need to comment that

BabiesDontNeedDaddies

What an awful thing to say. We were really helping this lady, now you've made it worse

Babies, I am so shocked by that comment. It demonstrates so much ignorance and no compassion at all.

You really shouldn't be paying attention to someone called BabiesDontNeedDaddies anyway.

@BabiesDontNeedDaddies: fuck off.