New mum angry with baby

[elledubya]

I don’t know where else to turn for a bit of solidarity without fear of judgement, I hope it’s ok to post on here about this.

My LG is 7 weeks old, and has been having feeding and tummy problems for about 4 weeks now. It’s a long story and I’m already getting almost too much help for it elsewhere, so that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m here because I’ve had a couple of occasions now where I feel so angry and frustrated that I find myself directing it at her. I’ve shouted at her a couple of times and today I picked her up and put her down harder than I should. I didn’t hurt her but a little part of me inside wanted to. She wasn’t even being that bad, she’d been napping so I lay down to have a sleep and the second I did she started to cry for a feed. I ended up turning it on myself and smacked myself really hard around the head. I’ve given myself a bump by my temple, but it’s better than being too rough with my daughter.

I know I should have put her down and walked away, I did step away to calm down but she was screaming and I knew it wouldn’t stop til I fed her so in the moment hitting myself felt like the best option. I don’t think I’m generally depressed, but the last few weeks have been so so hard and I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I just have these moments where it’s all too much, and I haven’t stopped crying now for over an hour. She’s feeding away at my breast but I know when she’s done she may be in pain so I just feel hopeless.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a month’s time as I know I need some help so I can be a better mum. I would call my GP but I’ve had some real issues with them lately so I don’t feel able to contact them even in a crisis moment, the thought of talking to them makes me want to be sick. I just feel like I can’t do this, it was a mistake to get pregnant because I can’t handle the pressure and the sleep deprivation. My mum lost her temper with me a handful of times when I was little, and once or twice in my teens she hit me very hard. We have a very close relationship now but have never spoken about it and I don’t want to make her feel guilty by bringing it up, but I’m now terrified that I’m going to do the same thing one day. There will always be moments where she drives me mad, and I don’t seem to be able to cope with it.

I have support around me but I can’t tell them about this anger, they’ll all worry for my daughter’s safety and I’m already feeling like the worst mum in the world. I feel like I came as close as I could get to doing something stupid today but I stopped and stepped away for a moment, so I know if it happens again I’ll do the same thing - I’m just so scared at how I turned on myself, I’ve done that before but not for many years now. I even work with young people who have mental health concerns and often are self-harmers, so I should already know the advice I’m going to receive!!

I just needed to write this all down, and maybe hear from any other mums who might understand this. I know that most mums could never come that close to hurting their baby, but I beg you not to comment with any judgement - if you think I’m scum, please scroll past. I’d give my daughter up before I caused her any injury, so no one is in danger. I already know I’m failing and feel like the worst mother in the world, I can’t believe this is who I am and I hate myself so much right now. I’m desperate just to hear I’m not crazy, that maybe other people have felt something similar. I’m going to stop rambling on now, thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. X

What the absolute FUCK????????!

I’m so so sorry my poor lovely elle, please don’t take any sodding notice of the utter bitch faced evil bastardy .... oh Lord I’ve actually run out of swear words to describe anyone who would say such a thing to a vulnerable yet clearly loving new mother who needs help and support because you know... she’s human and motherhood is hard!

How dare anyone say something so bloody cruel. Please come back elle, after we’ve sent the hit squad round to take out the evil troll poster... you need a place for support and care, because when you’re a new mum that care goes pouring out of you all one way, just when you need a massive top up yourself. And we know it. And we care. Everyone of us who have been anywhere near your situation. Ignoring the errr, the I-don’t-know-what’s.

Mumsnet must be having their boatdslighting up like a Christmas tree with reports right now sweetie. Xxx

BabiesDontNeedDaddies some people aren't cut out to engage in an adult conversation. It's okay. As long as OP has others around her who support her that's all that matters

Ignore the sillyarse telling you to give up yoir child OP. What a load of bollocks.
You have recognised you need help and took the huge leap to go and seek it. Well done you. Been there myself it takes a massive set of girl balls.
You got this

@BabiesDontNeedDaddies shut the fuck up

Ignore the troll please.
I had this too when mine were tiny. The lack of sleep is brain fugging.
I actually put the babies in cots. Locked doors and went to the far end of the garden. So I couldn't hear them cry. Makes me cry now to think about those days but you do what you have to. If that works for you then do it.
And really take the time to cool down. No point being 5 minutes and still angry, take 10 or 15 or 20 or more. It takes as long as it takes to calm down.

I could have written this myself OP, the only difference being my DS is now 8 months and I have only just this week found the courage to open up to my DH and make an appointment with my GP. The fact that you have confronted your feelings and sought help so quickly shows what a brilliant mum you are. Please don't doubt that. You definitely aren't alone

Babies comments like yours are part of the reason people avoid asking for help and suffer in silence. Disgraceful.

“BabiesDontNeedDaddies some people aren't cut out to engage in an adult conversation. It's okay. As long as OP has others around her who support her that's all that matters”

And repeat til fade....

OP sweetheart, I think you should go have a nice bath or watch a trashy tv show and take your dh up on any of his kind offers... and leave this thread until mumsnet have come along and dealt with this insensitive tone deaf awfulness.

You’re not failing as a mum by the way. When this little, err, interruption, has passed, I’ll tell you about how I felt when ds was a baby... v similar to you, not angry but intrusive thoughts about doing something awful to him, and I was so tired I was scared I might actually not be able to stop myself. It all worked out fine and I wasn’t being a bad mummy, I was actually being a supermum dealing with intense sleep deprivation, hormones and a poorly baby... and still actually even vaguely functioning! Sleep deprivation with a newborn which professionals routinely underestimate I’ve noticed btw, I think because they don’t quite understand how ruddy tough we are to endure it and not go completely stir crazy!

Anyway, I believe in you. As do lots of people on here. Ignore the one person who’s amusing themselves in a very freakish way tonight. Up side is for you this will pass. That poster is stuck in their own self for life :) xxx

Just called Samaritans as I couldn't get hold of my mum or husband, and she talked me down from the panic. I'm going to go home and cuddle my daughter and husband, and just calm down a bit before I come back.

All the kind words from the other posters have truly helped me so much, I will come back for that when I feel able to ignore the trolls. The reaction to her posts has made me feel even better - I know I'd lose my shit if I saw something like that on someone else's cry for help! I just wish I could talk to myself as kindly as you all have.

Big love. I'll be back. Xx

OP please ignore the extremely ignorant comments.

you are a brilliant mum! well done you for getting help.
you've had brilliant advice on how to deal with the MH problems I just wanted to add a few things that have helped me with regard other issues you've mentioned.

regarding going dairy free. I have recently also gone dairy free for dc3 15 weeks. made a huge difference but it's hard work. can imagine it's even harder if you're vegetarian. (think you said that in one of your posts). there's an excellent website and Facebook support groups for cmpa (cows milk protein allergy) if you haven't come across them yet.

have you also considered seeing a baby chiropractor or osteopath? if your baby has any physical pain it will help with that. helped mine improve his latch. so less wind and more settled during feeds.

you're doing an amazing job getting help and trying to work out what's wrong with your baby. especially given it's your first and everything must feel crazy!

I've only worked out the cmpa and chiropractor stuff now and so wish I'd know about it for dc2 and she was much more unsettled.

finally if you're feeling run down try spa tone - it's a natural iron supplement. much easier on your system than iron tablets. and eat as well as possible. google postnatal depletion.

well done again. i can't stress how good a job you're doing. you sound like a brilliant mum and your baby is very lucky to have you.

Honestly? I think all these emotions are normal, it’s if they don’t pass off in a few weeks then you worry. I’d still speak to someone and get it on the table re. Possible pnd. I had all these emotions and when I confided in friends they all admitted that they had the just want to ‘throw them out the window’ moments too. As terrible as that sounds, we all knew there was no real risk of us hurting our babies, including a friend who had such bad pnd that she would have happily given her baby away during the 1st 8 weeks. You’re exhausted, have a massive new load of responsibility, you feel you’ve made a massive mistake and life will never be the same, it’s terrifying. In all likelihood it will pass quickily once things get easier. Keep accepting help from dh and family.

I honestly didn't mean it like that. You're obviously a good mum or you wouldn't feel the way you're feeling. I'm sorry if it came across as harsh, the last thing I'd want to do is make you feel even worse! I worded my first post wrong. It's great you're getting help and realise it's something you need to deal with. I hope you accept my apology as I honestly would never want to upset anyone, especially when you're already feeling terrible and it's an awful situation you're in. I just get worried about things like this due to past experiences with people. Honestly so sorry to have upset you. I just meant you need a break & help & someone to let you know you're doing a good job and help where you feel you need it. You're probably exhausted aswell. I have 2 kids under 2 and know how hard it is. It will get easier. I should have been more compassionate in my first post and after going over it again I can see how it would have came across to you. I wish you all the best and hope things get easier for you soon.

So much love to you elle

Sorry my browser lost half the thread! Glad to see you have been to gp and been prescribed anti depressants. Be kind to yourself first and foremost!

Evening all. Thanks for all the reports about that poster's comments, which were not at all in the spirit of Mumsnet. You won't be surprised to hear that we've removed the posts and have suspended their account.

to you, OP. The early days can be really tough. You've had some brilliant advice on the thread but we hope you can get some RL help asap too.

Bloody well done for calling the Samaritans for help. That can't have been easy and yet you did it. The hardest part is telling people that there's a problem and accepting it yourself. But having a problem does not mean that you failed. You are an incredible mum and you're doing a fantastic job. You just need to remember to look after yourself as well as your little one and reach out for help whenever you need it. As everyone else has said why would you assume that you should know what you're doing? Your life has been turned upside down and you're all trying to find a new normal. Then just as you get that normal, your baby will develop and grow before your eyes and then you need to find another new normal! You'll get there. Just remember to keep talking!

Aside from the troll, this has to count as one of the loveliest threads I’ve read on mumsnet. Pity the constant stream of support had to be disrupted like that. Please do come back OP and look what a lovely response you’ve had from amyddss stuff like this makes me happy to have a mumsnet account.

I have two young DC and can 100% relate. I don’t know if it’s that I also take far too much (everything) upon me, but I get wrung out and so when DC act up (now mine are a little older so they do act up!) I have no reserves, and I quickly see red and I hate it. I’ve never acted on it but my god I’ve been close. Why on earth do my DC - beings I love to the end of the world and back - have the ability to instantly wind me up?

My one recommendation - from bitter experience - is do encourage your DH to do even more than the wonderful contribution he’s already making, to be fully involved. Don’t guide him, let him get on with it. Don’t stress when he doesn’t do it as you would. Set this as normality from an early stage and you will continue to be the wonderful team that you are, properly share the burden, don’t get burnt out. Don’t be me and insist on running the whole show and micro managing not 2 DC but effectively 3. What an error. My DH has to step in when I’m at breaking point but I wish he’d step in sooner so I didn’t get there in the first place...!

I totally agree with @Popskipiekin about not trying to manage your dh with the baby. Just let him do it his way. Youre a team

I had a very similar night with my PFB at 7 weeks old. My DH came upstairs to find both of us crying, and took her away. They spent most nights watching a video of 2010 Space Odyssey while I slept.

She is now 32 years old and none the worse for the experience. I can remember every detail so clearly all these years on.

FWIW I had another 4 babies after her and none of them did the same.

Elle, I was thinking about you earlier, and about how hard it really is, and how important places like Mumsnet are for women, and especially women in your position. The airplane analogy is so right though, make sure you're ok, and then help others. A lot of people in care professions risk burnout because they pour everything they have into caring, and I think a lot of new mums have exactly the same experience. I know I've come close to breakdown a couple of times, even after getting help. I'm glad you're getting some help, and I'm so glad your dd is too. If you ever want to chat about it, we're all here, please don't let one vile nasty evil (I have no words either!) troll hurt you. You deserve much much better than that.

well done for reaching out OP, it's a really tough time

I found those early months the hardest and biggest change to my life. I lost all identity and didn't recognise myself or my behaviour.

Please don't be hard on yourself, you are doing amazing by reaching out, that really is the hardest step. It truly gets easier and it's good to hear you have an amazing support with your DM and DH. X

Hi elle! I'm really glad you came back to the thread tonight. I only saw the first comment from that awful poster before the rest got deleted. But please bear in mind that 99% of the people in here are being supportive and those comments say everything about that poster but nothing about you.

Well done on being so brave about what you're going through and for getting help straight away. It can't have been easy.

I'm ashamed to admit that I was in a similar position to you when DD2 was around 7mo as she was such a terrible sleeper. I was so frustrated with trying to get her to sleep that I lashed out at myself on more occasions than I care to remember. Unlike you, I wasn't able to admit that I needed help so well done you.

Good luck.

I’ve not experienced the anger but can remember how utterly miserable I was at this age. My DS literally never slept and screamed 24/7 and I used to cry with exhaustion. It does get better, he’s now a teen and barely ever gives us any problems to deal with, well, homework dodging aside...

Thankfully I’d didn’t read the deleted messages, thank god. You’ve had some lovely advise on here already, I just wondered if you’re oniron for the anaemia? My DSister has it at the moment and she’s utterly exhausted without having to recover from a birth and look after a baby.

Really well done for calling the Samaritans and for being so candid on here, I’m sure you will have helped a lot of other new mothers

Do keep posting and let us know how you are.

Awww that’s so sad I feel for you as I have a 10 week old and it can be frustrating at times but the fact that you recognised you need some sort of help says a lot Than a lot of people who suffer in silence once you get the correct help you can start to enjoy your lo coz believe me it goes so quick and I’m determined to make the most of my last child and enjoy every milestone as life passes by far to quickly these days really hope you get help you need and good luck

Morning Op how are you today?