New mum angry with baby

[elledubya]

I don’t know where else to turn for a bit of solidarity without fear of judgement, I hope it’s ok to post on here about this.

My LG is 7 weeks old, and has been having feeding and tummy problems for about 4 weeks now. It’s a long story and I’m already getting almost too much help for it elsewhere, so that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m here because I’ve had a couple of occasions now where I feel so angry and frustrated that I find myself directing it at her. I’ve shouted at her a couple of times and today I picked her up and put her down harder than I should. I didn’t hurt her but a little part of me inside wanted to. She wasn’t even being that bad, she’d been napping so I lay down to have a sleep and the second I did she started to cry for a feed. I ended up turning it on myself and smacked myself really hard around the head. I’ve given myself a bump by my temple, but it’s better than being too rough with my daughter.

I know I should have put her down and walked away, I did step away to calm down but she was screaming and I knew it wouldn’t stop til I fed her so in the moment hitting myself felt like the best option. I don’t think I’m generally depressed, but the last few weeks have been so so hard and I don’t feel like there’s an end in sight. I just have these moments where it’s all too much, and I haven’t stopped crying now for over an hour. She’s feeding away at my breast but I know when she’s done she may be in pain so I just feel hopeless.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a month’s time as I know I need some help so I can be a better mum. I would call my GP but I’ve had some real issues with them lately so I don’t feel able to contact them even in a crisis moment, the thought of talking to them makes me want to be sick. I just feel like I can’t do this, it was a mistake to get pregnant because I can’t handle the pressure and the sleep deprivation. My mum lost her temper with me a handful of times when I was little, and once or twice in my teens she hit me very hard. We have a very close relationship now but have never spoken about it and I don’t want to make her feel guilty by bringing it up, but I’m now terrified that I’m going to do the same thing one day. There will always be moments where she drives me mad, and I don’t seem to be able to cope with it.

I have support around me but I can’t tell them about this anger, they’ll all worry for my daughter’s safety and I’m already feeling like the worst mum in the world. I feel like I came as close as I could get to doing something stupid today but I stopped and stepped away for a moment, so I know if it happens again I’ll do the same thing - I’m just so scared at how I turned on myself, I’ve done that before but not for many years now. I even work with young people who have mental health concerns and often are self-harmers, so I should already know the advice I’m going to receive!!

I just needed to write this all down, and maybe hear from any other mums who might understand this. I know that most mums could never come that close to hurting their baby, but I beg you not to comment with any judgement - if you think I’m scum, please scroll past. I’d give my daughter up before I caused her any injury, so no one is in danger. I already know I’m failing and feel like the worst mother in the world, I can’t believe this is who I am and I hate myself so much right now. I’m desperate just to hear I’m not crazy, that maybe other people have felt something similar. I’m going to stop rambling on now, thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. X

Morning everyone. I've had a reasonable night's sleep (albeit broken) and feel a bit better. I managed to eat and get her to sleep without help as mu DH came home so exhausted I'm surprised he didn't fall asleep at the wheel on his way!! He's with her now though.

I didn't end up taking the antidepressant last night. I read the leaflet and it mentioned withdrawal symptoms which sounds really hardcore, so I messaged the breastfeeding network and the pharmacist told me it's probably fine but in her experience some babies can get withdrawal when they start weaning. The symptoms include dizziness, nausea, elevated heart rate... There's another drug that is apparently prescribed far more often and is less likely to effect baby; has anyone used Sertraline while bf? I've actually used it before and it really helped me, so I'd like to go back and ask for that instead!

I think the hardest part for me has been admitting I need some help. I'm still not actually convinced this is depression... I've been there before and this is different, I know I have issues around needing to be perfect and feeling shame when I 'fail' and I think the tiredness and frustration over her tummy problems are just adding to that and bringing me to breaking point. I want to take the meds if they'll help, but I'm really hesitant about this Paroxetine stuff so this weekend I'm going to lean on my DH (who is so desperate to help however he can and to spend as much time with our girl as possible) and get through it that way. I can always go back on Monday and ask about other drug options.

I find it a lot easier to listen to a negative comment than a positive one, so posting on the internet was always going to be a bit dangerous for me! If anyone is reading this after Googling, please do post either here or in a new thread and ask for help. I lurked on so many threads before finally posting in desperation, and I'm so glad I did.

So much love to all of you who have shared your struggles, and especially to anyone who's still there now. I hope we can keep talking and getting each other through -there were moments yesterday where I'd have broken without this thread.

@amyddss Thank you for your response. You made me cry again but in a good way this time! I totally understand that you didn't mean it to come across that way, and completely accept your apology.

I'm off to have a shower - I plan to wash, dry and straighten my hair. What strange, luxurious parallel universe is this? I love DH's day's off!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Elle, glad that today is a little bit better. So I have been prescribed Sertraline and found it so helpful. My irritability has almost diminished to nothing since starting it. Like you I questioned whether I was experiencing depression as it seemed quite atypical with the rage and irritability being the main symptom, I wasn't crying or low mood so much as feeling just a bit of a useless Mum and constantly self critical. However the medication has definitely helped so I guess PND might just be different from other types of depression. My GP certainly told me that Sertraline is very safe when breastfeeding (my son is EBF).

Hi, I’ve been on sertraline for a couple of years and have breastfed my baby (now 16 months) throughout.

No problems at all, and it’s massively helped my mood and anxiety.

It seems to me that despite your very difficult feelings you are lovingly protecting and caring for your daughter in every way you know how, that is an immense achievement in the midst of what you're going through with all those stored and embodied memories of your past. It's true as a previous commenter wrote, guilt and blame really have no place in parenting, as you'll know from your work children and babies do pick up on the emotions around them and how we were parented affects how we parent, BUT it does NOT determine how we parent. You only need to be 'good enough' that's what babies and children need, love, delight all those key attachment needs being met, and being good enough looks like what you are giving her. You're reflective, empathic, able to control your behaviour even when your emotions feel too big to control; you've reached out for help, here, from loving family and friends and support services - such wisdom, such grace is needed to do this. This warm loving motivated care - to give your child the best, is what a your daughter needs from you and you are doing that!
Parenting is, as so many have said already, so very difficult. There is such a lot for you and your body to get used to with this brand new no doubt wonderful new being who has just emerged and totally rearranged everything about your life from washing to eating to sleep to toilet, er and you're doing this whilst still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth too? applause I think!

I don't think you need fixing. You might find some mindful breathing helpful to restore calm when you feel your systems activated into fight flight responses, and check in with your knowledge of CBT to help avoid unhelpful cognitions.

I hope this is helpful, given with good intentions.
Good wishes!

I was prescribed sertraline for my post natal anxiety and intrusive thoughts that absolutely dominated my every waking moment. I never took it because i was too anxious to take the bloody things, i wish so much that i had though. That's the problem with mental health, it controlled me so much and wouldn't allow me to treat it. Please take the meds, i so wish i had xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry that sounded really bossy!

I was supposed to be good at this

No, there is no supposed about it. Looking after a very young baby is extremely hard work. No one is really prepared for it. Talk to people, get as much support as you can. It will get easier, it really will.

I can't begin to thank each person who has got under my skin and made me start treating myself more kindly today. I'm overwhelmed in the best way by you all. I will try to respond to as many people as possible, but I'm off out tonight (!!!) so will quickly start with a few of you ❤️

@Intheprimeoflime I copied and pasted your first list to me and saved it as a note on my phone, so I can come back to it at my worst moments. You have been so very kind, and your words have had a huge impact already. I actually really want to take the meds, btw. I wasn't clear in my post earlier - I've been prescribed Paroxetine which has nasty withdrawal symptoms, but I would rather take Sertraline so I'm gonna go back on Monday to discuss it!

@Mixedupmummy Thank you for your reflux advice ❤️ I have taken her to an osteopath, and we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I'm sticking with the df diet and will have plenty to discuss with the paediatrician next week! I hope your LO is doing better now.

@TheVanguardSix Your words struck such a chord with me. Thank you for caring so much ❤️

@WellThisIsShit Woe betide anyone who ever messes with you and yours - you were fierce in your response to the troll, and made me feel so protected. A huge thank you ❤️

@Shewasjustawish WELL DONE. It's so bloody hard just to reach out and ask for help. Maybe I did it sooner because I have a history of MH issues, I've already had to swallow my pride once but it is always so tough. We're in it together, please do reach out if you ever need to talk about it. I could really do with the company ❤️

@ConnectParenting My god. Your post today was everything I needed to hear. I will be copying that one to my notes as well. I can't thank you enough.

The kindness of strangers has knocked me for six since posting here. You are all so beautifully kind. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart xxxx

The internet can be an amazing place, there has been so much good advice and support on this thread!

I'm a perfectionist too and find it really hard to ask for help or admit I'm struggling. I'm really bad at accepting help when offered for fear people think I can't cope.

I'll never forget when DD1 was around 7mo and I was struggling to do something with one hand whilst holding her with the other. One of my oldest friends was with me and, when she offered to help, I turned her down.

Her reply? "I know you can do it all by yourself, but you don't have to."

It's stayed with me to this day. All new mums should keep that in mind m! You don't have to do it all single handedly and even if you want to, you won't do yourself if your baby any favours by trying!

Well done for carving out some me time - sounds like bliss! I think small things like that can go a long way to helping you recharge your batteries.

Chloechloe: your post has reminded me that when people spoke about managing singlehanded as a parent, I didn't realise they meant literally!!! But I have been trying to do everything with one hand since my son was born...! Challenging.

I'm so glad you're off out tonight. I hope you have a fab time and know that it's ok to miss your baby and feel terribly guilty while you're not with her. Totally ok.

Thanks for coming back and keeping us all updated. This has truly been one of the nicest threads I've ever seen on MN.

please seek proper professional help.

I've been there too. You're not alone. I was a single mum with no family or support at all (still the same now). It was the lack of sleep more than anything that was tipping me over the edge and causing me to snap. I never laid a finger on my child but did raise my voice and was not the perfect mother I wanted to be. But I think that's it, we are human, we are not perfect and we make mistakes. I didn't completely read through the thread but saw that you have a DH and DM that are trying to help. Would it be possible for you to express BM for some of the night feeds and ask DH to help. Alternatively, ask him if he could do one or two of the later ones or the early one so you could get a few more hours sleep. I read that you said you were anemic and vegetarian and now dairy free. Is there any possibility that because you are not getting enough nutrients that baby is not getting enough either and may be adding to the baby's distress. Would it be worth supplementing with formula feed (combination feeding) to make sure baby gets enough nutrients? I would be asking the GP/HV about this as a matter of urgency. You yourself also need a very good multivitamin and it might be worth asking your GP to run some blood tests to see if you're deficient in anything else and how best to correct it.

I think (if you are happy to consider it) to try supplementing with formula feeding (and expressing to keep your supply going). Anyone can formula feed the baby so you can get longer periods of uninterrupted sleep, it gives you and your body a rest, it might help to top up the baby nutritionally and perhaps the baby may go longer between feeds. Also MAM anti colic bottles are brilliant. Also forget housework and cleaning (just do the minimum or have a splurge every couple of days). When baby has a nap, you do the same thing and try and get as much as rest as you can when you can.

@elledubya you’re right, I did get really angry at the troll! I felt so protective of you the other night, and I’m glad I helped even just a little xxx

Like many others on here, we’re been where you are now, and we know how very vulnerable you are, and how hard things can be in those first few weeks... because we’ve lived through it too. I, like you, came onto mumsnet in those dark moments in those first weeks, and I found women willing to hold me up and they told me it’s because they’d been through it too. And strangely, somehow, the weeks and months tick by and I find myself on the other side of that now, and I’m only too happy to give back a little of the support that kept me together then.

Although I have other problem that life throws at me, those intense, crazy making days after having DS stand out as the hardest and most, well, up and down and just, grindingly hard times to live through.

But you’re doing everything so well, you really are.

So please, pat yourself on the back because, you cannot help or control getting the baby blues or a bit of pnd, but you can help how you respond to it... and in spite of all your fears and self doubt, you’re doing everything you can to help yourself and look after you and your baby

And considering how much fighting against your own self-doubt and thoughts running yourself down, that’s pretty damn impressive!

Btw, Mind’s online boards are pretty good too if you ever need somewhere else to reach out to. I’ve posted there myself when I was very down, and it helped me.

Thanks elle , the same applies to you -
and thanks for posting so honestly in the first place. I'm sure this thread will help lots of mums who come across it in their dark moments!

Good luck!

I'm so glad i could help. Like others have said, those early weeks were so dark and so bleak i can still remember it very vividly. But it's so much better now, and you will feel better soon too.

lovely update op. glad to hear you sounding more upbeat. keep posting if it helps.
and yes thanks my lo is doing great now!

You are so brave to ask for help op, much braver than I was. You can and will get through this, and you are not a bad Mum. Your love for your baby shines through your posts.

I used to find it helpful to scream into the sofa cushions at times... in fact, we both did. It was a signal that it was time for DH to take over from me, or vice versa!

Please keep seeking help but also please believe me when I say that it does get better and it does get easier.

so do you have an appointment at the GP?

Jesus, petrolpump the OP is not accountable to you. She's asked for help from lots of different people and she's getting help.

There's a reason every single baby parenting book includes advice about putting baby down or counting to ten when you're stressed with them. It's because feeling this way is so incredibly common.

The OP appears to be saying the same sort of things I went through,

Its extremely tough.

Whilst this can be a useful tool for gathering ideas it has its limitations.

The OP by her own admission feels unwell.

Therefore a doctor is her best way forward.

and she is entitled to change GP if not happy with the one she has.

Hi OP, I have just read the thread and wanted to give my support too.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and we’ll done for seeking help and opening up to people because it can’t have been easy.

Why I had my first baby I found things very tough and on numerous occasions I shouted him in the first few weeks, I lost my temper when he would t sleep, I even swore at him sometimes. I used to push him into the arms of my husband, more forcefully than I needed to and tell my husband to “just take him because I don’t want him near me.”
Sleep deprivation is very tough and I found breast feeding very hard at the start too and my anger and frustration just built up. I would say things had settled down by the time he was about 3 months old, but it was tough. At the time I felt horrendously guilty about the outbursts I had but he’s 4 years old and definitely no lasting damage.

I’ve also got a 9 month old who has a dairy intolerance which was picked up at 11 weeks old even though he’s been showing symptoms for about a month by that time. I went dairy free and have been for 6 months now. I remember a few weeks after going dairy free I broke down in tears to the GP because I was so tired, so anxious and feeling so run down and faint all the time. I belong to a FB support group for breast feeding CMPA babies as they said that our bodies can actually have withdrawal from the sudden stopping of dairy and make us feel really crap. The same goes for the baby and they can actually worsen initially after the removal of dairy but then it settles down after a few weeks as their body adapts to the change in their nourishment.

Anyway, I’m waffling

Ina nutshell, we’ll done on seeking help and with time things will be fine x

Another good day today, I'm taking them one at a time. I was a little nervous about a day at home tomorrow when hubby goes back to work, so I've arranged to go to a baby group with the NCT ladies to make sure I get it of the house!

@petrolpump28 I did actually update throughout the post to say I've been to the GP and been prescribed antidepressants. I've since been told by a pharmacist specialising in breastfeeding that the drug I was prescribed has bad withdrawal symptoms that can impact baby when they wean, so I'm going to go back tomorrow and ask if there are alternatives. I have my counselling booked in from July, and have been advised to tell the GP if I can't manage until then which I am happy to do now that I've opened up to people around me who are looking after me.

@QueenofmyPrinces That's really interesting to hear that we can feel worse after going dairy free... My HV said she didn't think it was to do with my diet, but what you said makes sense! I'm on supplements and am going to the hospital for a blood test ASAP (when I can get a Grandma to come babysit 😂) to see if my iron is low again. I'll mention how I'm feeling when I see the paediatrician on Thursday, I'm sure they'll have seen it all before and have some sort of advice! Thank you for your kind words xx

Glad today went well.

When seeing the GP tomorrow it might help to take a print out of the information from the breastfeeding drugs network, I did that and it helped them understand.

However you feel tomorrow do go out with your NCT friends, don’t shut yourself away!