"Girls, I have a new partner" - when's the least worst time to come clean?

[daddydaddycool]

My partner and I split last summer (my perogative) and I've been in a long distance relationship since Christmas. We're very much in love, she has three DCs and I have two DDs (I am the father).

I've flown over to Finland for long weekends, once a month, thrice and am going for a fourth time in a couple of weeks. I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids. I've asked the kids how they'd feel if I found a new girlfriend and they said they would be fine, "because you're lovely so we think she would be too", which made me well up.... but reality might be very different, and I think my ex would take it really badly, it might be too raw for her 9 months down the line (it was an amicable split and we remain friends). Plus, I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally.

I appreciate that there's no right time but...any advice on how to handle it appreciated!

It's still very early days all round. How old are your kids?

You’re not being deceitful, you’re being private. And honestly you’ve barely spent time with this new lady. I think for now it’s just a grown up relationship. Depending on your DDs ages you could let them know you are casually seeing someone who lives far away and maybe introduce a few months from now if she visits you but there’s really no drama or rush here.

Don't think of it as subterfuge. You've had three long weekends together. That's nothing. Sure, if they ask where you've been, say you went to Finland to see a friend. But don't tell them till you know this person better.

Don't tell them she's a girlfriend, that should say.

Btw, she's really not a partner. Not yet. She's barely a girlfriend. Just a woman you've started dating.

Telling them you have a new partner in a different country would be a disaster, especially as she barely counts as a girlfriend.
You know they will be concerned that you are planning to move away?

My DDs are eight and 10. I met my new partner 28 years ago at sixth form college, we got in contact 3 years ago online (after her divorce) and it soon became clear there was something there, but although I increasingly realised that I had loved but had never been 'in love' with my then-partner of 18 years, I couldn't meet her until we'd split. In other words, there's a pretty sound foundation there.

Thank you all for your comments.

I would add that my new partner is English (well, Hungarian but born and raised in West London). We're in no rush to come together, her kids are in school in Finland and I wouldn't move out there. But she would possibly return to the UK down the line, whether because of me or not.

Sorry for the piecemeal info - her mum and two older sisters live in West London, so from a family/support pespective she might return here at some point.

Why do you need to tell them anything? Your private life is just that. It's none of your exs business who you see and I'm not sure it's even relevant to your kids at this stage given she's miles away and not likely to be popping in at odd times or staying over when they are around.

My boyfriend is 80 miles away and in 9 months he's met the kids (same age as yours) once. That's enough for me . I refer to him as my friend, I see him on my free weekends and show them pictures of our adventures, but other than that don't really talk about him to them. It would only be me somehow seeking their approval which wouldn't be appropriate. I'm not looking for a replacement father for the kids, and they are too young to know the ins and outs of my relationships.

Enjoy your time with her, don't rush to involve the kids. You may have had 23 years to get used to the idea of being with her but they are still getting used to their parents being separated.

So you dumped your long term partner and mother of your children for a fling with someone you used to know, but missed your chance with at the time! Don't tell the children at all. It probably won't last and then you'll have to tell them about the next one.

So your new gf is pretty much the cause of the break up of your family? Yeah, I'd keep that to yourself if I were you, your kids won't appreciate that.

This may go against what others have said but I think you should just go ahead and tell them that you've met someone.

I told my kids that I had a 'boyfriend' (weird to say at my age but there you go) a few months after we'd met. It was much longer before they met him but I wanted them to get used to the idea of mum having a boyfriend before they met.

Just seen your update, I see it's a bit more complicated than you originally stated.

I might be reading this wrong but I feel like you are seeking your kids approval, or are itching to tell them about what you might think of as a romantic story stretching back to your youth.

You need to think about it from their perspective and that when it all comes out (which it will) they'll have to assimilate a lot of complicated feelings, including how their mum must feel about never really being loved. It's about them, not you. Go slow.

Thanks Talith, decent advice.

Singlenotsingle/MiggeldyHiggins - in no way was my new partner the cause of our split. I had given it my best shot for years prior to us being in touch again, initiated Relate and counselling, etc. - it's separate and distinct - call it serendipity; just that I was emotionally prepared to move on quite soon.

You implied differently:
we got in contact 3 years ago online (after her divorce) and it soon became clear there was something there, but although I increasingly realised that I had loved but had never been 'in love' with my then-partner of 18 years, I couldn't meet her until we'd split

you hooked up online while you were still with your ex, and your online relationship made you end what you had,

Miggeldy - are you asking me or telling me?

I'll say again, our online dialogue bore absolutely no impact on the split. At most it mildly catalysed it, but a) it would've happened anyway, and b) what does it matter anyway? The original question still applies either way.

Talith - I'm just trying to do the right thing by everyone, which in this case is probably not possible. If my DDs asked if I had a gf I'd say no, but I'm trying to fit my trips there (and her trips here) around not getting found out, which feels shitty, and I'm going to get found out sooner or later (international dialling tone on mobile/not available if there's an emergency, etc.).

It's a question of whether I fess up before it becomes apparent, I suppose - and I'd far rather the former for obvious reasons, but it's balancing that against how soon it is.

I'd describe her as an old friend that you have got back in touch with. Whose company you really enjoy and who you'd like to see more of.

As for your wife, it depends what she already knows.

You didn't have an 'original question'. You asked for advice.

I think it is too soon and probably a little unfair on your daughters and on their mother to land your happiness on them when they are probably still processing what happened last summer. Out of respect to the adult relationship you had for many years with your ex-wife, you should give her more time to adjust to her new reality.

You probably also need more time for the relationship to settle into something more long term. I agree with the posters who have said it is too soon to call this woman a 'partner', no matter how long ago you first met her. The truth is, you are both different - more mature and with more life experience than the teenagers you used to be. So, you need to get to know the person she is now before deciding this was always your destiny.

Out of curiosity, if this is a grand destiny sort of romance, why didn't it happen after sixth form college?

When you do tell your family, think that while it might feel like a romantic story to tell your children, they won't perceive it the same way you do, at least not initially. They will think about their mother and the impact it might have on her. Also, until now you will have shared stories with your girls about when you met your wife and got married, and your shared history together. If this new story is not told right, it could challenge their understanding of your relationship with their mother and, possibly them, and their identity with entity that is still their family (regardless of separation/ divorce). Might they think that you would have preferred to have just stayed with her all along than have this family?

And also, I agree you are not being deceitful in engaging with a new (or rekindled) romantic interest now that you are free to do so. But you might have been three years ago when you initially contacted her - don't know enough about the details - and your ex-wife may have a problem with that.

I can assure you it will matter very much if your ex and children find out. I imagine their reading of the situation would be very much like mine.

"Oh I got back in touch with my ex while I was still with you/your mother and conducted an online relationship of some kind, while realising that I never really loved you/your mother at all, split our family up, left our home, and now I'm flying off to see her at weekends while telling you all that I'm single and pretending that no-one else was involved in all of it"

She was, in some way, the Other Woman.

Thank you all again, very much, I love this place for its objectivity and candidness! Sorry if I'm being a bit drip-feedy with the context but it's hard to know what to say before another relevant question arises and I think "arse, I should have stated that from the outset".

LondonKitty - some really useful things for me to consider there, ta. In terms of deceit, that's really the crux for me. I'd been faithful for 18 years and when my now-partner (we were just fairly distant mates at college) contacted me it was genuinely pretty innocent - looking for old contacts, sharing like-minded music, then after two years she asked if we could meet but I wasn't into it as I didn't want the temptation. Then after my ex (partner not wife) and I split, I dropped contact with my now-partner almost completely for four months to gain some clarity on where I was going.

Even though I'm free to do what I want relationship-wise I'm not being honest with my family:

What are you doing next weekend, Daddy?
Oh, mountain biking in Wales with x & y

It's feels awful. But the alternative feels no less awful, until it comes out by being discovered rather than being up front. I definitely don't harbour any romatic notion of my DDs being excited by Daddy's new girlfriend (although I'm confident they will come to love her down the line).

Miggeldy, I appreciate your view as much as anybody elses but you're clearly on a moral mission. Was I unhappy in a relationship? Yes. Did I try to compromise? Yes. Was I unfaithful? No. Do we each have a right to move on? Yes. Is there a 'right' time? No.

I'm here because I hate the deceit and you're lecturing me on deceit.
What would you advise I do? Drop my existing, happy relationship because I don't deserve to be happy after years of (from my perspective) being in an unhappy relationship?

I'm not on any moral mission. i don't care what you do, I'm not judging you.. I'm just explaining to you how it will look to your family (because thats how it was).

I think you are being disingenuous and would find it easier to be honest with your family if you were a little more honest with yourself.

Your post did strike a chord for me - sorry to digress a bit... One of the first people to get in touch with me after my separation was my very first boyfriend (from the age of 15) It was very healing for me to spend time with him 30 years later, talking mostly, and cuddling (although we didn't have sex). He'd haunted my dreams somewhat over the years and I got to ask him lots of questions.

There were aspects to him that I'd forgotten and over a few weeks I realised that we weren't suitable then or now. It's like we auditioned being together again but on balance we both saw that the differences which had clobbered things at 16 were still there now!

There is a healing aspect to spending time with people from your past. It can be psychologically healthy to put ghosts to rest so you can move on. I know you're confident that the relationship has a future (moreso than my reunion!) but that nostalgia can give us very rosy tinted glasses for a while.