"Girls, I have a new partner" - when's the least worst time to come clean?

[daddydaddycool]

My partner and I split last summer (my perogative) and I've been in a long distance relationship since Christmas. We're very much in love, she has three DCs and I have two DDs (I am the father).

I've flown over to Finland for long weekends, once a month, thrice and am going for a fourth time in a couple of weeks. I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids. I've asked the kids how they'd feel if I found a new girlfriend and they said they would be fine, "because you're lovely so we think she would be too", which made me well up.... but reality might be very different, and I think my ex would take it really badly, it might be too raw for her 9 months down the line (it was an amicable split and we remain friends). Plus, I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally.

I appreciate that there's no right time but...any advice on how to handle it appreciated!

Whatever you do, please don't undermine the relationship you had with the mother of your children. Don't tell your DDs anything like 'I was never really in love with her'. It will devastate them and possibly lead to issues for them later on.

Also, you and your ex split mid 2017, but by the end of the year you were already involved with someone else? Again, that will devastate your DDs.

To you, your ex is just your ex who you feel you never loved in that way. But to your DDs, she is probably the most beautiful woman ever, and they want to grow up to be like her. If they love you as much as you think, they probably have both parents on a pedestal. You don't want them learning the lesson that even the most beautiful, lovely woman isn't good enough to keep a man and that men always leave for someone else. Yes I'm projecting but pls take my advice!!

I’m not sure that being friends 28 years ago and 3 years of on/off internet contact while your marriage was breaking down counts as ‘a pretty strong foundation’.

You have met up with this person a handful of times and yet feel confident that your children will come to love her in the fullness of time. With the greatest of respect I think you need to slow down and take some time. Have you reflected on what went wrong in your previous relationship? Have you had any decent period of being on your own or have you replaced your long term partner with a new person ASAP?

(And no, I don’t think you should tell your kids and ex about her.)

I think you need to be very careful how you introduce the concept. You may view the new Gf as separate to you relationship collapse but your children and ex may take a somewhat different slant and view has as the Other Woman

You're wanting your ex and kids to be happy about your 'new'happiness with an old friend' when your feelings for your now girlfriend was actually the impetus for ending your marriage?
Charming.

Not really a cool daddy, are you?

It's too soon in your relationship and far too soon after the breakdown of the relationship between you and your children's mother to consider bringing a new girlfriend into the equation for them. It's unfair and putting your own happiness before theirs. You barely know your new 'partner', you've spent three weekends together, you simply don't know if it'll last. Not to mention the fact it will be very hard for your children not to see her as the reason their mum and dad aren't still together.
I would give it a lot longer, maybe a year before thinking to introduce the idea of a girlfriend. If they ask, don't lie but don't present her as your girlfriend (or partner as you're calling her already), just say you're taking holidays and seeing friends.
When you do introduce the idea, please do it gently, and never compare her with your children's mum. She's wonderful to them, and was once to you. You'll achieve nothing other than to push your children away if you go down the oft-chosen route of 'I'm so much happier now!' narrative.

Put the brake on your impulse to tell your children about this. It has clear benefits for you, but I can't see any for them, as other posters have said, at this point. All the things you raise as possible issues (dialling tone, really?) aren't major. In an emergency it makes little difference whether you're in Finland or Falmouth, either way you're not able to get there quickly, hardly matters why. Just take things steadily and only tell your kids things that will do them good rather than making you feel better.

Well boy, you tell your children when you and your partner have no doubts whatsoever about the potential permanence of your relationship. Until then your DC don't need to know or meet her.

My advice might not be relevant as I am not a "girl". Hopefully you are not that condescending with your partners.

Miggeldy - ok, fair enough, I get you. Thank you. You initially sounded righteous.

In the context of your own angle I'm not sure how to proceed other than be completely honest (when it comes to it). That's a given. My ex knows I was unhappy for years, otherwise why would I have initiated Relate intervention in 2007, for example...but you're not to know that of course.

It's going to come out, and it won't be fun for anybody, and I appreciate you reminding me of that fact but I can't turn back the clock in terms of my own actions - nor would I.

"You're wanting your ex and kids to be happy about your 'new'happiness with an old friend' when your feelings for your now girlfriend was actually the impetus for ending your marriage?
Charming."

"Not really a cool daddy, are you?"

Oh boy...really? Would it be ok if I was asking the same question 12 months down the line? Perhaps 24 or 36 months maybe?

I'm here asking your collective advice because I feel shit about the situation, and I accept that it might not sit well with some but we are where we are. My DDs will always transcend any other agenda, btw. I remain heavily involved in their lives, and that of my ex by giving her the freedom to...well, ultimately have the space to meet someone else herself, at least from my perspective. At which point I'll probably come back asking 'how do I deal with a new man in my DDs lives'. I didn't dictate how this situation transpired, I didn't set out to mislead anybody. Quite the opposite, which is why I'm here, trying to figure it all out.

Thank you for all your advice so far btw - bar none.

There’s a poor woman who posted who’s life has been turned upside because her dp of 12years is marrying the ow less than a year after the split! She was the ow don’t brush it up as anything it’s not your guilty of an emotional affair. I also agree don’t lessen what you had with your ex 18years is along time, you had two dc together and many memories it’s toayally unfair to rewrite history infavour of a woman you had a romantic connection when you were in your youth. I wouldn’t say anything to the girls it’s long distance and may not materialise into something yet unless your prepared to move.

Dancingmonkey87 - better that I'm here trying to be up front, no? Trying to make the best of the situation, trying to rationalise it and proceed least blunderingly; proactively rather than being the subject of the thread?

Also my now partner/gf never had a romantic connection in our youth, we were friends.

But you are actively lying to them now about what you are doing at weekends. Not misleading, but bald faced lying to your children.
This is what I mean about being honest with yourself....

MiggeldyHiggins, that's my entire point. My original post stated:

"I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids"

"I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally"

Feel free to 'school' me but on something I don't already know.

Miggeldy Higgins, we've clearly got off to a bad start, we've ruffled each others' feathers somewhat ;-)

Rather than you simply highlighting what's shit about my situation, can I ask what you think I should do to rectify it? I would genuinely appreciate your input.

I would counsel you to keep this to yourself. You aren't deceiving your children by not telling them about someone you've been on three dates with - you're just not burdening them with information that they really don't need to know.

I think you have to realise that, having split up your family unit, anyone you are romantically involved with is not a part of that. What I mean is that when you were with your wife, your romantic life was an integral part of your children's family structure, because your partner was the woman who gave birth to them. As such, they had a stake in that romantic relationship.

However, anyone else who you get involved with is not tied up in their lives in the same way, and therefore they don't need to know about it until the two of you are absolutely committed to her being a permanent part of each other's lives. That's just how it goes when you are single with kids.

But WHY are you outright lying? Why not say "I'm visiting a friend in Finland" instead of telling them you are going to Wales?

Why are you complicating this situation?

Thank you Harolds...I agree with much you say.

But again, in terms of immediacy it's about whether or not to be up front. I've never had a friend in Finland before so admitting so seems obvious as to what the real deal is.

Is your friend in Finland a lady?
Yes.
Is she your girlfriend?
No, she's just my friend.
Daddy, come on....

I can see it coming! Three simple strikes and I'm out.

Miggeldy - that post above wasn't meant for you but it part answers your question. In 18 years I've never had a Finnish friend from my ex's perspective, why would I lie about making a new Finnish friend now?

I'm either up front or not, there doesn't appear to be too much middle ground.

You're seperated, its not their business what friends you have. You're outright bald faced lying to your kids though.

There is plenty of middle ground, you seem determined to go to extremes, which suggests this is all more about your needs than theirs.

You are overthinking things. Your daughters, particularly at the ages they are, are very unlikely to be asking you those kinds of questions. They don't think of you as someone with girlfriends - you're just daddy as far as they're concerned. It seems obvious to you because you know what's going on, but they don't.

"You're outright bald faced lying to your kids though. "

So I should be honest with them, I get that. Or maybe play around in the 'plenty of middle ground' there?

Come back to me when you're honest with yourself, perhaps.

Harolds...I'm really not overthinking, they'd cotton on fast. We're from a tight-knit family and friends unit(s), they'll be onto it sharpish, and I love them for their emotional intelligence!

Thank you for all your advice thus far.