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Original poster

"Girls, I have a new partner" - when's the least worst time to come clean?

116 replies

daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 09:55

My partner and I split last summer (my perogative) and I've been in a long distance relationship since Christmas. We're very much in love, she has three DCs and I have two DDs (I am the father).

I've flown over to Finland for long weekends, once a month, thrice and am going for a fourth time in a couple of weeks. I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids. I've asked the kids how they'd feel if I found a new girlfriend and they said they would be fine, "because you're lovely so we think she would be too", which made me well up.... but reality might be very different, and I think my ex would take it really badly, it might be too raw for her 9 months down the line (it was an amicable split and we remain friends). Plus, I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally.

I appreciate that there's no right time but...any advice on how to handle it appreciated!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 15:56

I love them for their emotional intelligence!

That means they will probably cotton quickly that your GF was the OW (come on - you had an emotional affair with her. Don't kid yourself you didn't!)

Anyway, as for when you tell them. Not now. Possibly never. Certainly not until you know that this women you've met a handful of times in a quarter of a century is a keeper or not.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 16:11

If I sound like I'm defending myself at all, I'm not - I'm just trying to appreciate the input, some of which seems a tad judgemental ;-)

On the 'emotional affair' aspect, if I met someone after we'd split up rather than having previous contact then that would be irrelevant, right?

I can't turn back the clock and I really don't think it would make a difference anyway, so I really wonder why it's an issue. It had very little impact on the outcome of our relationship, I can't underline that enough.

I completely get the 'rebound' suggestions but like I've said throughout, I could ask the same original question (it was a simple question, see the thread title) 36 months down the line and judgement might be less harsh - or not! I just don't get what the past has to do with the present, it is what it is.

There's never a good time, is the conclusion I've gained. And I've been able to draw from much that's been discussed, so thank you!

OP posts:
HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 16/05/2018 16:18

So deal with those questions if they come up. That doesn't change what you do now.

It strikes me that you're so caught up in this new romance that the only perspective you can see is your own, to the point that you're running along on frankly unlikely scenarios (a six year old asking her father about girlfriends) because you're projecting that perspective onto everyone around you.

You are the one invested in this new romance. You shouldn't drag other people into it by projecting its importance onto them, just because those other people are in your life. You don't get to do that any more because as I say your romantic life is now outside the family unit. It's one of the fundamental basics of being single and having children - you have to compartmentalise.

I know that there's this fantasy narrative running of how you're overwhelmed by circumstances and it's all such a big drama etc but your children are not adjuncts in this - they are people with their own perspectives, needs and wants, and it is unfair to load them with information they won't understand for the sake of having some big cathartic reveal. Just rein it in.

Interested in this thread?

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Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 16:30

Harolds...six year old? I have an eight year old who is constantly drawing info from her ten year old big sister. They're both bright kids, my entire point is that I don't want to pull any wool over their eyes. I'm asking when I should come clean, not how flimsy my new relationship might be. And:

"your children are not adjuncts in this - they are people with their own perspectives, needs and wants, and it is unfair to load them with information they won't understand for the sake of having some big cathartic reveal."

Ok, so I'll just carry on bullshitting them until they find out? It's not about catharsis, it's about honesty. Fantasy narrative? Please remember that I'm not suggesting I should reveal everything to them - anything in fact. I'm simply asking when is the least worst time to do so, and how best to do so.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 16:36

It's not bullshitting them OP. It's giving them the appropriate information that they need and can handle. You do it with LOTS of things. Every day. It's not lying. It's treating them as children. Some things they need to know. Some things they don't. I'm guessing you don't tell them about all sorts of stuff that they don't need or want to know because they are kids.

And, I'll say again, you have no idea if this relationship will last. You've met with her how many times in the last 25 years?

Racecardriver · 16/05/2018 16:41

Not until the two of you decide to make the relation ship a permenant one

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 16:49

I'll also add, this about how you feel, what you want, what makes you happy, it's about your DD's and they do not need to know so you shouldn't tell them.

So far everything in this thread has been about you. And your feelings. I think you should think about that and why that is.

BTW perogative doesn't mean what you think it does Grin

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 16:50

BitOutOf Practice:

That's great but again, until they find out. I don't need to tell them where I am but if they find out I'm in Finland with a lady, they'll just know (they undoubtedly will). At which point I then have to backtrack/come clean/however one badges it.

And you're right, I have no idea how long this relationship might last, but who does? I'm fairly relationship savvy though, both in terms of partners and children, and I certainly wouldn't reveal to the kids something that didn't feel was rock solid at a particular point in time (which is all that anyone can hope for).

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 16:55

I may be wrong but the impression you give off OP is that you're so caught up in the romantic notion of this situation - long lost friends who never got together, were destined to always be together etc - that you're excited about it all and WANT to tell your children and ex. But you really must yet. It's too soon. You say they have emotional intelligence. What do you say if they ask how you met? How do you explain 3 years of chatting on line? Did your ex know that was going on by the way? During a time when you "suddenly realised you'd never been in love with her (convenient). I'm sorry to sound harsh but you need to grow up a bit here. You're not in 6th form college anymore. She's not your partner. You've spent a few weekends with her. Be a grown up and fight the urge to excitedly share your news with the children (and their mother). It's going to lead to hurt.
Incidentally I'd think it too soon even if you hadn't been having an emotional affair for 3 years before you ended your marriage by the way (which you clearly were and the fact you've already asked your DD now she'd feel if you had a new GF speaks volumes) but in this situation it really is miles too soon

Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 16:56

*you really mustn't that should have said! (Sorry!)

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 16:56

You're dying to tell them aren't you? Just dying to tell them because you're all excited and loved up with your Grand Love. But they won't know unless you tell them. They don't need to know. You shouldn't tell them yet.

I suspect you will anyway. Regardless. Because you want to.

And you still haven't answered how many times you've met this woman. You certainly haven't lived any kind of day to day life with her. It's all exciting weekends away. You know nothing yet. You hardly know her. So your kids don't need to know.

But as I say I think you will anyway. Because it suits you and makes your life easier. And because you just cannot wait to talk about her. Not because it's the right thing to do.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 16:59

Yes I totally agree with Luckyme2

You've got a bad case of pent-up mentionitis I think

Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 17:00

Plus you already acknowledged your ex would take it badly as it's only been 9 months. And you've been having this relationship for 5 of those (not counting the 3 years online)! Way too soon to tell the kids OP

Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 17:01

Definitely pinching the phrase pent up mentionitis!

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 16/05/2018 17:04

Fgs you don't need to tell them you're with a woman. You say friend, or group of friends, or old school chum, or whatever. There are single parents up and down every country in the world telling their kids they're meeting up with people from work when they're actually off shagging. This is not difficult stuff.

You're clearly desperate to share this new aspect of your life with your kids, regardless of what's in it for them by doing so, to the point that you're giving all kinds of justifications and scenarios that are flimsy at best. And completely ignoring that the time when they should be aware of what's going on with you romantically is over, and has been since your marriage ended, until such time as you are with someone who makes a meaningful commitment to you.

Talith · 16/05/2018 17:29

Perhaps the answer is wait until they ask. It's private adult stuff. Try not to willfully obfuscate with untruths about where you are - just go for vague and return the conversation to them and what they're doing.

And then if they do ask, take my mum's advice. "Only answer the question you have been asked."

What she meant is, if a child needs an answer to a question, provide an honest answer to the specific question. Don't provide tangential detail which, for example, ends up overloading them with 28 years of history.

"Were you with a lady?" "Yes I was." Let them cogitate that one. The conversation may end there. That may be all they want to know, or can deal with at this point. They sound like smart kids and so if they have a question they will feel comfortable asking. That's great. Let them lead.

Not: "Yes I was. She's very special to me, I know you'll like her too - in fact she's my girlfriend and we went to some cool places when I visited..."

It is hard when you're in love and excited about the future but I do think Harold is right - it's about compartmentalising for the moment.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 17:52

I don't doubt I'm seeing things through rose tinted glasses but can anyone remind me where I've suggested that I'm dying to tell my kids (mentionitis, I like it ;-)), as opposed to to the opposite?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 17:56

Becase you've spent the whole thread explaining why you're finding it so hard to "lie" to them? Maybe that's what gave us the impression? Maybe? Hmm

Wannabecitygirl · 16/05/2018 17:59

Hell no. They are likely to think she is the cause of your split, even if it’s not.
Plus is still early days.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:02

Talith, I've worked alongside lawyers for a long time so I get your gist ;-)

Waiting til they ask is great - again, before I receive a phone call in Finland asking where I am. I'm in Finland. Who with? A friend. A lady friend? Yes. Is she your new girlfriend? No?

And there the lie begins, back to square one.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:02

She's not a partner, she's your girlfriend you've been in a relationship for 5 minutes. You ended your relationship after getting back in touch with her and she lives a thousand miles away. FGS, get a grip! I wouldn't tell anyone anything just now because you've been dating for 5 minutes 1000 miles apart.

Talith · 16/05/2018 18:03

If they ask at that point say yes not no.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:04

BitOut...if I was blase about it I woun't have initiated the thread. I don't mind being dissected, if there's a point. Fel free to ask me straight questions but please don't assume.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:06

'And there the lie begins, back to square one.'

You just tell them you're in Finland visiting. You are. You didn't seem to have a problem lying in the past to a partner, after all.

'You're clearly desperate to share this new aspect of your life with your kids, regardless of what's in it for them by doing so, to the point that you're giving all kinds of justifications and scenarios that are flimsy at best. And completely ignoring that the time when they should be aware of what's going on with you romantically is over, and has been since your marriage ended, until such time as you are with someone who makes a meaningful commitment to you.'

This. Grow the hell up! Put your kids first. They are still young and adjusting to the split but you want to make it all about you and your new love and everyone should know so you can make it easier on yourself. Unbelievably selfish and immature.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:10

Expat, you're splitting hairs (and I admit that I'm not helping).

Assuming you're with your own partner, would you like anyone on a forum to judge whether or not it's a laster?

That's not the point - I could wait to be solid with someone for 18 years...oh, I did.

I'll be the judge of the solidity or otherwise - otherwise why would I bother to pose the original question (which, again, is an entirely different subject to where we find ourselves).

OP posts: