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Original poster

"Girls, I have a new partner" - when's the least worst time to come clean?

116 replies

daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 09:55

My partner and I split last summer (my perogative) and I've been in a long distance relationship since Christmas. We're very much in love, she has three DCs and I have two DDs (I am the father).

I've flown over to Finland for long weekends, once a month, thrice and am going for a fourth time in a couple of weeks. I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids. I've asked the kids how they'd feel if I found a new girlfriend and they said they would be fine, "because you're lovely so we think she would be too", which made me well up.... but reality might be very different, and I think my ex would take it really badly, it might be too raw for her 9 months down the line (it was an amicable split and we remain friends). Plus, I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally.

I appreciate that there's no right time but...any advice on how to handle it appreciated!

OP posts:
Wannabecitygirl · 16/05/2018 18:11

You keep saying you don’t want to lie to your kids but sometimes you have to keep things secret to protect them. Until this is a serious relationship then keep protecting them & keep it to yourself.

“I’m going to see a group of old friends for the weekend” / “Oh I don’t have anything planned for the weekend yet”/ “I have lots of work I’ll be doing” ... so many possible lies 😂🙈

Dozer · 16/05/2018 18:11

“New partner” - no. Very new girlfriend.

Tell your ex and - later - your DDs, if you wish.

But the important things are whether you are working together to sort out the separation, the DCs’ living arrangements, finances, and focusing on your personal parenting and co-parenting as separated parents.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:16

So many possible lies - haha!!

OP posts:

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Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:19

Dozer, that's sorted. They have no mortage, I'm paying above and beyond, there's no issue there. I live in a flatshare, they have a lovely house with a big garden, I asked for nothing. We have a consistent parental structure. I appreciate why you ask but that has nothing to do with the original question.

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expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:24

'Assuming you're with your own partner, would you like anyone on a forum to judge whether or not it's a laster? '

I'm with my husband of 16 years. You've been with this gal for the dating equivalent of 5 minutes, she lives 1000 miles away, and you want everyone else to just suck that up so you can revel in your lurve.

It's not in your daughters best interests for you to fling this gal in their faces so soon, so don't. Now is not the time to 'come clean', no matter how much you want everyone to applaud your new relationship.

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 16/05/2018 18:25

Good. Because those are the only things that your children are bothered about and that you need concern yourself with on their behalf. Which should indicate to you that this entire thread is about you, and not about your children.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:37

It's all about me. Yes, I'm the Donald Trump of mumsnet.

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Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 18:45

Expat, let me use your example.

You're hammering me on morals but you have NO CLUE where I'm coming from. You've been with you're hubby for 16 years? That's great, and I hope you quadruple that and more. End of.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:52

'You're hammering me on morals but you have NO CLUE where I'm coming from. '

YOU are the one who started this thread, about yourself, asking when to spring it on your kids that you have a girlfriend. YOU are the one who then explained that you got in touch with this gal and after sticking another iron in the fire and only after that, left your partner. Fine. But you're not covering yourself in glory here you asked a question on when to tell your kids, people have responded that the time is not now because you've been dating for a very short time long distance, but you continue to throw your teddy out your pram insisting we're all out to get you, you don't want to lie to your kids, your love will last, etc etc. YOU are the one who have given us clues here, then when people point them out your arse gets out of kilter. Hmm

LittleBearPad · 16/05/2018 18:57

Lost what I typed but what Expat said!

Grow up and stop being so bloody selfish!

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 19:22

I've asked you a straight question about four times now @daddydaddycool But you don't answer it. How many times have you met this woman in the flesh in the last 20 years? This is a very relevant question to your dilemma.

And if they ask you who you're with, say "an old school friend". That's not even a lie

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 20:28

BitOutofPractice - I've spent 27 days with her since we met after 18 years - we met in 2000 with a bunch of other old college pals, she tells me she fancied me but I'd just embarked on the relationship that I've recently left. I don't get what the relevance is - people are with each other for decades before they either realise it's for them or not; or at the other end of the spectrum, hours. Having invested 18 years in a relationship that didn't work out I'd like to think I'm not particularly whismical in that respect.

And sure, 'an old school friend' is not a lie but it's still deceitful. I'm setting myself up for a battering here, I know - 'cake and eat it' springs to mind!

Someone said around a year, I appreciated that as it was my general thinking, so I'll go with that. Probably a bit longer, 18 months (lots of people suggesting I want to blab without any basis whatsoever). And if I get found out, I'll come clean. And if it fizzles out before then? So be it, but at least excitement and longing are the primary emotions for a change x

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 20:31

OP excitement and longing are wonderful emotions. But your kids don't need to know about them yet. Particularly when it comes out (as it will) that those feelings started before you left their mother. Give this time before you unburden yourself to them

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 20:35

Expat, hello!

YOU are the one who started this thread, about yourself, asking when to spring it on your kids that you have a girlfriend. Yes

YOU are the one who then explained that you got in touch with this gal no and after sticking another iron in the fire and only after that, left your partner no.

I appreciate some of what you say but when you misinterpret - actually, make it up as you go along - then I find it difficult to heed your overall advice.

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Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 20:40

Luckyme2 - thank you.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 20:45

'I appreciate some of what you say but when you misinterpret - actually, make it up as you go along - then I find it difficult to heed your overall advice.'

Nope, not misinterpreting. You wrote that you realised you loved but weren't in love with your former partner once your new girlfriend got in touch. It's common for people who do this to twist the truth to assuage the facts. It's a script in fact. Quite classic. Nothing new or exciting, just a well trodden path, rather sad.

But you're not after heeding anyone's advice, anyhow, so not sure what your continued obsession with getting personal with me are, it's very strange and a bit creepy Hmm.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2018 20:46

You want to cause your DDs potential upset and angst over a 27 day relationship. That's 4 long weekends I'm guessing. Listen to yourself OP.

And yes, some people rush into relationships on this amount of evidence. I know that. But people with kids have a duty to be a little more circumspect

Do the answer to your original question, now is NOT the right time. For sure.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 20:57

Thanks for all your advice, I'll consolidate and absorb.

As for being accused of creepiness...hopefully that's the first and last time ever!

OP posts:
MMcanny · 16/05/2018 21:32

Seems to me like you’ve chosen your own ‘happiness’ over that of your daughters. If this Finish woman were to finish with you tomorrow would you just move on or is there any chance you would see what you’ve left behind? You see your girls once a fortnight I think you’re explaining. Might you think it’s worth making the effort with their mother to see them every weekend plus every morning and evening if there wasn’t the temptation of some romanticised idealistic future with this other woman? The cold hard truth is that if you do move on and in with her you’ll be living with some other man’s daughters while you’ve no idea what’s happening to yours. Unless your delusion of the perfect lost and refound soulmate lasts you’ll be back in the same position you were with the mother of your children in a couple of years. Yet your own kids will have missed out on a full time daddy. Maybe they’ll find someone better if their mum moves on but he’ll never be their real dad. Good luck with the lifetime of heartache you call happiness.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 21:44

McManny, I have one question to ask - what gives you the impression that I see my girls just once a fortnight? Please point me in the right direction above for what paints that picture.

OP posts:
Miranda15110 · 16/05/2018 21:44

Life is too short. If it were me I'd take the gently does it route. Casually mention you're meeting a friend and infer it's a female friend. Take it slowly with the kids and make it sound casual. This gives you a starting point, the fact you call her a friend means you can build on the how and where later on. Do the same with xp. You don't have to tell all at the outset and you are entitled to a private life.

Good luck

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 21:46

MMcanny, sorry

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/05/2018 21:48

Yes, op has not said how many nights a week his DC stay with him.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 21:51

Thank you Miranda, good luck to you too whatever your journey.

OP posts:
HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 16/05/2018 22:02

Agree that you are entitled to a private life. Fwiw me and my ex have been apart for a long time. I have dated and had relationships as I'm sure he has but it's not discussed - it's none of my business just as what I do is none of his business. There's one at least who was around for a while because the kids met her kids, but they haven't mentioned them in ages so I guess it's fizzled out. If my ex had gone full on blazing in telling them about how special she was and how much he was sure they'd love her after a few dates then I would have been pissed off but as far as they were concerned she was a friend they were introduced to just as they've met other friends of their father's so what he does is really up to him as far as I'm concerned.

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