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Original poster

"Girls, I have a new partner" - when's the least worst time to come clean?

116 replies

daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 09:55

My partner and I split last summer (my perogative) and I've been in a long distance relationship since Christmas. We're very much in love, she has three DCs and I have two DDs (I am the father).

I've flown over to Finland for long weekends, once a month, thrice and am going for a fourth time in a couple of weeks. I hate the subterfuge but it seems too early to tell my ex and kids. I've asked the kids how they'd feel if I found a new girlfriend and they said they would be fine, "because you're lovely so we think she would be too", which made me well up.... but reality might be very different, and I think my ex would take it really badly, it might be too raw for her 9 months down the line (it was an amicable split and we remain friends). Plus, I don't know how long I can maintain the deceitful front, either practically and morally.

I appreciate that there's no right time but...any advice on how to handle it appreciated!

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 16/05/2018 22:20

My sister caused a lot of trouble when our parents got on new relationships. It solidified that our parents weren’t getting back together,ever. It destroyed her self esteem and she in turn ruined my mother’s relationship. Keep it to yourself a while longer and enjoy your burgeoning relationship. Especially seeing as you had an Emotional Affair which ended the marriage.

LemonysSnicket · 16/05/2018 22:21

Oh and the online ‘friendship’ and ending things with wife ‘serendipity’ was exactly what happened with my dad, albeit we were older. Sister views it definitively as an affair even if he didn’t.

Pannacott · 16/05/2018 22:30

On a small point - not talking about your view of your new relationship is not lying and being deceitful. You might feel very much in love and confident and excited about your new partner - not telling your children that is not lying or being deceitful. You can stick to facts if / when it comes out 'she's a friend' 'I've visited her three times' 'She lives in finland' 'I plan to visit her again' 'I'm not going to move to Finland'.

Please think really hard about what posters are saying to you. You really seem to be giving off the impression that some part of you wants to share the truth of your emotional experience and connection to this woman, with your children. I think it is really possible that you are currently blinded by your own happiness and that it is making it really hard for you to imagine how horrific the truth would be to your daughters and ex. And I think you are looking to justify sharing your 'truth', in terms of deceit being wrong. But the wrong thing here, as a parent, is hoping that you can unburden yourself.

If you care for your girls then find a way to keep your joy at your new relationship from them. They see their mother as part of themselves, and your finding a new relationship that makes you happier than their mother did, will mean that they will see themselves as replaceable and discardable and not enough. This could have highly damaging consequences to their ability to allow themselves to have decent partners in the future. You need to compartmentalise more and really try and think about what is best for them, even if that is at odds with what is best for you.

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TheBogWitchIsBack · 16/05/2018 22:44

Did your wife at the time know you were having an online friendship with this woman or did you keep it a secret.

Talith · 16/05/2018 22:55

I agree it's not deceitful, definitely don't think of it in those terms. It's private grown up business. By framing it as "deceitful" in your own mind you are creating a moral obligation for honesty, but quite possibly it's a round-about way of gaining permission for yourself to tell them about something you want to share. It's private and they don't need to know yet.

LifeinColour · 16/05/2018 23:12

This deserves repeating, please read it again OP..

@Pannacott

On a small point - not talking about your view of your new relationship is not lying and being deceitful. You might feel very much in love and confident and excited about your new partner - not telling your children that is not lying or being deceitful. You can stick to facts if / when it comes out 'she's a friend' 'I've visited her three times' 'She lives in finland' 'I plan to visit her again' 'I'm not going to move to Finland'.

Please think really hard about what posters are saying to you. You really seem to be giving off the impression that some part of you wants to share the truth of your emotional experience and connection to this woman, with your children. I think it is really possible that you are currently blinded by your own happiness and that it is making it really hard for you to imagine how horrific the truth would be to your daughters and ex. And I think you are looking to justify sharing your 'truth', in terms of deceit being wrong. But the wrong thing here, as a parent, is hoping that you can unburden yourself.

If you care for your girls then find a way to keep your joy at your new relationship from them. They see their mother as part of themselves, and your finding a new relationship that makes you happier than their mother did, will mean that they will see themselves as replaceable and discardable and not enough. This could have highly damaging consequences to their ability to allow themselves to have decent partners in the future. You need to compartmentalise more and really try and think about what is best for them, even if that is at odds with what is best for you.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 23:17

Please think really hard about what posters are saying to you. You really seem to be giving off the impression that some part of you wants to share the truth of your emotional experience and connection to this woman, with your children.

This is a really intruiging point. I really, really don't want to share the truth because (like I said in my original post) it feels to early, but whether for right or wrong what's occuring is real, and I'm struggling with the consequence of them finding out rather than me telling them - whether that be via subtle drip-feed or otherwise.

I appreciate from consensus that it's too early in the day to tell them - both in terms of knowing where the relationship is heading long-term and the time period since the split.

But it still stands that in two weeks, or a month, or whenever, that they discover that 'something is afoot' before I've told them. Sure, I have a 'female friend in Finland' but of all the well-meaning people commenting on this thread, only I know that my DDs would surmise what that meant immediately. Without any shadow of doubt.

As for the new relationship, who knows, it might go pear-shaped but my hunch is that it won't. If I put my heart and soul into one for nigh-on two decades before (again, feel free to ask before assuming...) then I'm hardly a fly-by-night. But I'm in love for the first time ever - yes I've loved before, but not like this. And we're both 44, we're not kids.

TheBogWitch - you've got me there. No, my partner didn't know. But even in the most innocent of days, "I hope you don't mind me sharing music that you don't like with an old college friend" can't really be dressed up in a testing environment, whether innocent or otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddydaddycool · 16/05/2018 23:24

Pannacott/LifeinColour, cheers to you both.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2018 06:52

I think you really need to have a really long, honest, conversation with yourself about this. About how the relationship started. About where it's at now. Because if it looks like it was an emotional affair to all of us, if It looks like you're rewriting the history of your last relationship to us, if it looks like you're acting like a giddy schoolboy in the (very early) throes of the World's First Ever Great Love, then you can bet that that's how it'll look to your girls, your ex, everyone you know.

Stop trying to dress this up as True Love United At Last and make some sensible, grown up, honest decisions. You owe that to your DDs.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 07:03

Yes I'm with pp, sounds like an emotional affair. Keeping it secret is the clincher for me.

But in answer to your question, I don't think you need to tell your ex or dcs anything currently.
There is no real relationship to speak of. You've been over and met her yes but until there is a firm idea of what's happening in the future I would say nothing.
Unless this person is about to become a big part of your life I don't think there's any need to tell them.
It's not secrecy as such, it's privacy, why tell them about someone who may never feature in their lives and possibly confuse them.

Love51 · 17/05/2018 07:25

I realise that you aren't looking to blend families, but introducing a new girlfriend is in some ways similar. In the happiest blended families I know, the new partner was always introduced as a 'friend'. My armchair psychology about why, is that it takes the pressure off the kids that they MUST like this person because they will be moving in / dad might leave if they don't. It's just a lot more relaxed. It also gives the new partner a chance to 'interview' the kids so they don't end up on mumsnet saying 'i feel uncomfortable with my stepkids'. Your overriding job as a parent is to protect your kids. If your kids and girlfriend don't gel, you might decide that your relationship with her stays as an occasional thing separate from family life, you don't your kids blessing for this!

Love51 · 17/05/2018 07:27

Incidentally, I'd leave it a while. Not on her first visit to you. You need time to develop as a couple.

Original poster
daddydaddycool · 17/05/2018 09:21

Thank you all for your sage advice - time for a bit of introspection me thinks!

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/05/2018 09:58

I would tell your ex well before your DC, it’d be more respectful that way IMO.

LifeinColour · 17/05/2018 12:37

This is a really intruiging point. I really, really don't want to share the truth because (like I said in my original post) it feels to early, but whether for right or wrong what's occuring is real, and I'm struggling with the consequence of them finding out rather than me telling them - whether that be via subtle drip-feed or otherwise

I don't understand that if they happen to ask: "is she your girlfriend Daddy?" That you can't reply something like; "well.. she's my friend and a girl!" (.. they don't need to know any more than that, if anything at all at their age surely?! This isn't lying to them, it's the truth but age appropriate truth.. Or am I missing something?)

If they do ask, say that and then just distract them with games/toys etc and they'll soon forget & move onto something more interesting to them, like chocolate 🍫

Dozer · 17/05/2018 13:07

I have not especially “streetwise” DC of a similar age who, if they were told I was visiting a man in Finland, would be persistent with Qs and work out quickly that it was a romantic relationship.

But if you plan trips while DC are at their mother’s and with modern telephony etc the DC don’t actually need to know if you’re away or in Finland.

IMO it wouldn’t benefit them to know about your new relationship at this time.

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