DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

[Newmummyagain2018]

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

I know you've got enough to think about already, but no one's sleeping pattern sounds good here, and when adults or children haven't had proper sleep everything is harder. You also speak of you getting up several times to put DD back - does your DH never do it? He's been in their lives for years now, as stepdad I don't think he should leave all that to you. But also can you get back from work earlier

..to help stop bedtime sliding? It sounds like a full on and long day for you. I would try and start cutting that back now as you'll be on mat leave soon enough anyway.

DD has also decided she wants to sleep in DS"s bed and will get up in the night to go there.

Does your DS get any privacy? For a start his sleep is being disturbed by DD. That is not on. And (he knows it) will likely get worse when the baby comes along. I assume she wakes him and then you have to go and get her and put her back. He must be utterly miserable and exhausted. If she goes to his bed in the night, what is she like during the day? Does she always go into his room/bathroom when he's in there? Because that won't help him on setting privacy boundaries in his mind. Do you knock before going in his room or ask before checking his bag?

My DC are younger than yours and have known for a good few years that the only person they are allowed to wake up during the night or morning is me. And if they wake a sibling, then I come down like a ton of bricks on them.

As for the handbag/phone, mine were taught as babies they weren't allowed into my bag, no idea if the phase will come again! Are they watching you for your passcode or are they guessing it?

Each post is consistent in one thing, the fact your DH isn’t happy or doesn’t like certain aspects of your children.

Your DS will be only too aware of that and possibly feels uncomfortable at home which could be affecting his behaviour. Is he not better off with his DF?

Just a thought if your DH is unhappy now I wonder what he will be like when his own DC arrives I assume that his tolerance for your children will be even lower.

It's a massive thing to me that your DH isn't speaking to you for your sons behaviour? That's really really odd and controlling to me and points to DH being a massive part of the problem here. I agree family therapy - it sounds like he doesn't like your son and he punishes you for it. I'm not surprised the kid is unhappy and feeling like he won't be loved when the baby comes

Insecure with low self-esteem and clearly disliked by his stepdad - that would explain the overcompensation behaviourally, the invasion of privacy and the fear (masquerading as anger) about the baby.

Question 1 is what triggered the change in behaviour towards your DH? That could be significant.

Question 2 is how do get a very mixed up, hurting (anxious?) little boy to engage with the professional help he seems to need?

You are in danger of creating a dynamic of DH vs DS, if that happens and DS perceives you as picking your DH over him (rightly or wrongly!) things are going to go from bad to worse.

You need to keep DD out of his room. He needs a place that is his own, and to get a good nights sleep. Is DD your DH's? Why isn't he helping out with all these nightly wanderings?

Thanks so much everyone. Really helpful.

DS doesn't seem to mind about DD's night-time wanderings and it doesn't affect his sleep although I do get up and put DD back as I don't think they can both sleep that comfortably in the same bed.

Agree that DH's attitude to DS may be part of the problem. The issue is though is that DH is right on some things but wrong/overly harsh on others. He is right that DS is entitled and rude but should be more understanding of what is just normal behaviour with kids. Over the years he has been very good with DS but has backed off after DS started to act out a lot. I will talk to DH about his attitude to DS and see what we can do but I fear that DH thinks that DS needs discipline and firm boundaries rather than a softer approach. I can understand why DH is backing off. I love DS unconditionally but it's really hard to like him at the moment after he is so repeatedly horrible.

DD is not DH's. DS and DD have the same father.

And yes, I will be around a lot more once I go on maternity leave which will give me more time with DS (in theory anyway) although will also be juggling the demands of a new baby.

If you don't get home until 7.30pm does your DS get any time just with you? Just to talk, play a game, read a story, talk about his day? Something positive?

To be honest I still think your DH refusing to talk to you is a bit of a red flag, it's emotionally manipulative as you and DH don't seem to be working together. You need to both compromise and be saying the same thing to your DCs so they know where they stand with the both of you. At the moment there doesn't sound like a lot of stability at home, or school for that matter, if his behaviour is of concern enough to look into a diagnosis.

Honestly this was something my friends and I discussed as teenagers and laughed about. A couple had walked in on their parents, some (like me) had heard the horrible noises. We weren’t ‘scarred for life’, it was just a gross memory to laugh about.

It’s an extremely common occurrence and not something that will damage him. He sounds as though he needs counselling though, threatening to kill his unborn sibling is not so normal...

Oh and you need a better passcode for your phone too. I don’t know if your phone has the pattern passcode option but those are good and harder to break. If not use a word that he would never guess in a month of Sunday’s and don’t let him watch you typing it in.

Honestly @Advice people shouldn't have kids at all then or only have one. Just because first one will take focus away from the partner and he can feel jealous or second one will make the first kid jealous. So illogical.

Agree with @Lookatyourwatchnow. You are the parent here, not your 10 year old. you have given him too much power and control over your lives and it's affecting not only him but your relationship with your husband as well. Whatever his issues are that doesn't give him an excuse to behave the way he is right now. Get him therapy or whatever will help him but be firm when he does something unacceptable. He should not be snooping around on your phone or listening to your private conversations to your husband. You need to set boundaries and stepping over them should have consequences. What consequences have been given to him for taking your phone and reading your messages? For reading your messages..well thats a punishment and lesson in of itself but his ipad should be confiscated for going in your bag and taking your phone without your permission. Any further bad behaviour should result in loss of more privileges. And tell him that the way he is talking about the baby is totally unacceptable and you love him but you will not tolerate if he does anything to the baby as your love each of your kids equally.

I also kind of see your partner's point of view and understand his frustration. He has been . doing his best to raise these kids with you and treating them as his own but he is not getting that back. Plus you say he is overly strict. Do you go against every ting he says or tries to discipline the kids or try to make up to the kids? May be that's where the disrespect from your son s coming from. You always need to be a team infront of the kids. Yes your husband might feel the need to be more stricter because you are not and he is trying to compensate and this is affecting his relation with the kids too. Can you next time give consequences to the kids before your husband does? And try to discuss with him how you would like to deal with things but don't do that infront of kids as they always try to play parents against each other if they realise that they are not on the same page. Heck my 3 /12 year old tries that and 10 year olds are way smarter. You shouldn't pander to your kids too much. You are their parent and need to set boundaries.

I'd up the discipline and make sure there is consistency to help him feel more secure but I'd also keep reminding him of all the special privileges he will get because he is older and more grown up than the baby and his other younger sibling. Let him do things that the others won't be allowed to do until they are also 10 because he is now so grown up.

Talk to him about feelings and give examples of how you felt in certain situations at that age - make them up if you have to, and ask him if he's ever felt like that. Reassure him it's normal to feel lots of different emotions and tell him that he'll always be your special boy and what a wonderful big brother he'll be.

In future put a passcode on your phone so he can't access it

Saw this and thought of you op!

Ha ha! Thanks Username. So, nearly a week on DS seems to have forgotten about what he read and doesn't seem "scarred for life" as I feared! I have changed my pass code to something they can't crack (and I can't remember! Keep locking myself out) so big sigh of relief. Thank you all.